lil stef big world

Trial: Temptation from Worldliness

2011-12-07T16:08:00.003Z

"As you come to him, the living Stone - rejected by men but chosen by God and precious to him - you also, like living stones, are being built into a spiritual house to be a holy priesthood, offering spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ. For in Scripture it says:

"See, I lay a stone in Zion,

a chosen and precious cornerstone,

and the one who trusts in him

will never be put to shame."

Now to you who believe, this stone is precious. But to those who do not believe,

"The stone the builders rejected

has become the capstone,"

and

"A stone that causes men to stumble

and a rock that makes them fall."

They stumble because they disobey the message - which is also what they were destined for.

But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light. Once you were not a people, but now you are the people of God; once you had not received mercy, but now you have received mercy.

Dear friends, I urge you, as aliens and strangers in the world, to abstain from sinful desires, which war against your soul. Live such good lives among the pagans that, though they accuse you of doing wrong, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day he visits us."

(1 Peter 2:4-12 NIV)

As we have seen so far, the people Peter was writing to were under a lot of trial. In the last post, we saw that they were tempted to hypocrisy; to live one way, but believe another thing. In this post, we'll see that they were also being tempted to worldliness.

Worldliness is basically the evil desires inside of us warring against our souls and forming a belief system. It is elevating culture over Scripture. In the Church today, we have two directions of worldliness that we are tempted to - progressive (following the culture of today) and traditional (rejecting the culture of today and trying to go back to the 1950s).

Culture in itself is not the problem, but it is what we choose to do with it. We are work in it, but not follow it. The traditionals think that because culture is so against Scripture, we should go back to the 50s when things were a lot more wholesome, but this is also worldliness, as it still elevates culture over Scripture, though a much older one. The progressives think that the views of the Bible are outdated and too strict for today. But whether progressive or traditional, any belief that puts culture over Scripture is wrong. Our goal should not be to say what values in culture are right or wrong, but to point people to Jesus and we will be made holy through faith in him.

Before we can point people to Jesus, we should be clear on the following five things:

1. Our Jesus (1 Peter 2:4-8)

- From the perspective of the world, Jesus is offensive, which is why Peter refers to him as a stone they stumble on.

- Some people will always find Jesus and the Gospel offensive, since he often speaks of hell and therefore people see him as intolerant and exclusive.

- People tend to like some aspects of Christianity like turning the other cheek and helping widows and orphans, but they don't like the fact that we say that Jesus is God and is the only way to heaven.

- We know, as Christians, that Jesus is God, Lord, Saviour, King and Christ and that to God, he is precious and priceless.

- Jesus is our cornerstone.

- In construction, picking a good cornerstone is vital because it determines the durability of the whole building. The builders would choose the best, most dependable stone to rest everything else on.

- Just like builders, we should build our whole lives on Jesus as our cornerstone - not anything else. If we based our lives on anything else - money, status, race, etc. - our lives will crumble because only Jesus and carry the whole load.

- People are happy for us to compromise and have a Jesus merely as one of the 'bricks' that make up the whole structure, but they don't like it when we base our lives on him.

- Everything will collapse if we don't have Jesus as our cornerstone.

- Peter also reminds us that Jesus is a 'living' stone.

- We have to ask ourselves if Jesus really is our cornerstone.

2. Our Identity (1 Peter 2:9)

- If we based our identity on our performance, we will either end up proud or in despair.

- We should instead base our identity on who it is that loves us - namely, God.

- Sometimes we are so focussed on comparing ourselves to others that we forget that God loves us.

- The people Peter wrote to were 'nobodies' who lived in an insignificant part of the world, but Peter calls them a 'chosen people' and a 'royal priesthood'.

- In Jesus, we are all royal priests and since he is our mediator, not one person is closer to God than anyone else because through Jesus, we are all equally God's children and have equal access to him.

- We tend to underestimate our significance and not realise that we are all in ministry. Yes, some people are in vocational ministry, but even if we are just in an 'ordinary' job, we are in ministry when we work as if we are working unto God because in doing that, we have the opportunity to change the world by what we do.

3. Our Worship (1 Peter 2:5; 2:9)

- We worship God in three main ways - with or words, our works and out wealth.

- We worship him in our words when we speak of him, in our works when we serve and help people and in our wealth in our tithes and offerings.

- If Jesus is really everything in our lives, he will show up in it.

- We should make sure that we are in fact regenerate and not just religious.

4. Our Community (1 Peter 2:10)

- You can't love Jesus and hate the church because Jesus loves the church and is building it.

- We were not a people before, but in Jesus we have all been brought together to be a people and that is why it is important to seek out and live in a community of believers.

- We can't 'do' Christianity on our own because we only get information on Sunday, but transformation comes from living that out in community.

5. Our Mission (1 Peter 2:11-12)

- The purpose of community is not only for our individual lives to change, but we are also to be missionaries in the world around us.

- Fundamentalists tend to leave the cities and hide in the suburbs and liberals tend to live in the cities and compromise, but Peter says we are to live counter-cultural lives and so do things like money, sex, gender, food, sex and job differently from how the rest of the world does it.

- We should abstain from worldly passions, but we should do good deeds.

- In living our lives counter-culturally, we will be ridiculed and people will speak evil of us, but we should continue because living in this way brings honour to God.

- Sticking to the Gospel means we will always feel homeless because our home is not on earth, it is in heaven.

- For liberals, the cornerstone is tolerance and diversity. Conservatives have self-righteousness, pride and intolerance as their cornerstone. But we should have Jesus and the Gospel as ours.

Finally, our response to opposition is not to return evil for evil, but to 'out love' those who oppose us. We should call those around us to repentance, but at the same time, we should humble ourselves and also repent. We shouldn't become proud and self-righteous. In living our lives in this way with Jesus as our cornerstone, some people will come to know Christ.

Trial:Temptation from Hypocrisy

2011-12-03T17:51:00.003Z

"Now that you have purified yourselves by obeying the truth so that you have sincere love for your brothers, love another deeply from the heart. For you have been born again, not of perishable seed, but of imperishable, through the living and enduring word of God. For

"All men are like grass,

and all their glory is like the flowers of the field

but the word of the Lord stands forever."

And this is the word that was preached to you.

Therefore, rid yourselves of all malice and all deceit, hypocrisy, envy, and slander of every kind. Like newborn babies, crave pure spiritual milk, so that by it you may grow up in your salvation, now that you have tasted that the Lord is good."

(1 Peter 1:22 - 2:3 NIV)

The people Peter wrote to were going through a lot of trials and were tempted to hypocrisy. They believed one thing, but were tempted to act another way to make things easier for themselves.

In these verses, there are three points:

1. Revelation - 1 Peter 1:23-25

2. Regeneration - 1 Peter 1:23; 2:2-3

3. Response - 1 Peter 1:22; 2:1

The Bible is important because through it God speaks to us, so we don't need to speculate. Though Peter is talking about the Word of God, which is the Bible, he also means the preached word. Unlike other books, the Bible is the living word of God and our spirit is made alive through it. Just like the Bible is abiding and has persevered through time, we too can persevere, so Peter says, "All men are like grass", but the word of the Lord will stand forever. It has so far!

The Bible has been translated into 3,000 languages and has been read by many different people and has not been without opposition. Over the course of history, people have been persecuted in violent ways, but they have not put down their Bible. The Roman Empire banned the Bible, but though it has disappeared, the Bible is still with us.

Our view of the Bible is inextricably related to our view of preaching, so that if we have a low view of the Bible, we have a low view of preaching. On the other hand, if we have a high view of the Bible, we will also have a high view of preaching. It is God's word and so we must put ourselves under its authority and also the authority of preaching, even though it is counter-cultural to submit to any kind of authority.

There are many examples of preaching in the Scriptures. It starts with God preaching the world into existence. In Genesis 3, we have the first false sermon preached by the serpent, who tempted Eve, but later in the chapter, God brought Adam and Eve together again and preached once more, and this time about Jesus. Throughout the Bible we will see that Satan has a succession of false preachers to lead God's people astray and at the same time, God raises up prophets to reveal the truth to the people. This culminates in the last of the Old Testament prophets, namely John the Baptist, and after this we have Jesus. He states in Mark that he came to preach and once he was baptised by John, he was taken to the desert where Satan tried to preach false sermons to him, but Jesus resisted by preaching the truth.

Just like in the past, there are many false teachers as well as teachers of the truth, so we have to be careful who we listen to and who we follow. Paul speaks often of wolves coming in to the church to lead the sheep astray. We know who wolves are because they don't tend to lead people into repentance. They accommodate and excuse sin. Jesus, however, preached repentance, which is turning our backs on sin and turning our faces toward God. Jesus preached repentance so much, that the only way to get him to stop was to kill him, but even that didn't stop him because he rose three days later and continued preaching.

When the Holy Spirit came on the disciples in Acts 2, they also preached. The disciples continued to preach all throughout Acts and the only time Acts doesn't speak about the preaching of the apostles is when they were put into prison. The apostles were totally committed to preaching and they did not let imprisonment or persecution stop them. Preaching is to continue until Jesus returns where the last sermon will be preached by an angel (Revelation 14:6).

Revelation contributes to regeneration. First, the word must be preached to us and then we will change. Once we put our faith in Jesus, we will get a new heart, be born again, become a new creation, have union with Christ and in the end, be raised with Jesus from the dead. The only way we can know more about God and be passionate about him is to go to his word.

In the Bible, there is only perishable or imperishable seed. We are either sons of Adam or sons of God. All of us are born into sin and the only way out is by salvation from God.

- Psalm 51:5 - we are born in sin

- Psalm 58:3 - all fell through Adam

- Ephesians 2:3 - by nature, we are children of wrath

Regeneration is a gift to make us completely new, whereas religion is all about sinners trying to do better and earning their way into heaven. We can't do anything to regenerate ourselves because we have as much control of our new birth as we had of our old birth. Just like we had no say about us being born into the world, we have no say about being born as a new creation in God.

Since repenting and trusting in God are both signs that we have been born again, we have nothing to boast about. We were saved because God chose us and not that we chose God. After our re-birth, our desires change too. Before regeneration, sin seems good and we desire to do what we want, but after regeneration, we desire to please God and turn from sin and be like Jesus.

Finally, we come to response. We respond by obeying the word and so the last thing we would want to be as new creations is hypocritical. Religion tries to get us to change as a result of guilt and fear and we have to try change ourselves into a new person, but regeneration gives us a new heart and so our desires change (Psalm 37:4).

We will still be tempted, but we shouldn't pursue it. We should instead pursue the deep passion of our hearts and go after God. Sin and sinful desires are shallow desires next to our deep desire to please God. We shouldn't listen to Satan and we need to listen to God. We overcome sin with worship. We overcome lies with the word of truth. We overcome Satan with the Spirit. We overcome temptation with our passion for the things of God.

In pursuing our deepest desires, we can overcome the enemy.

Trial: Temptation from Sin

2011-11-29T14:18:00.003Z

"Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed. As obedient children, do not conform to the evil desires you had when you lived in ignorance. But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do; for it is written: "Be holy, because I am holy."

Since you call on a Father who judges each man's work impartially, live your lives as strangers here in reverent fear. For you know that it was not with perishable things such as silver or gold that you were redeemed from the empty way of life handed down to you from your forefathers, but with the precious blood of Christ, a lamb without blemish or defect. He was chosen before the creation of the world, but was revealed in these last times for your sake. Through him you believe in God, who raised him from the dead and glorified him, and so your hope and faith are in God."

(1 Peter 1:13-21 NIV)

We are tempted to sin in two ways:

1. To go back to our old way of life

2. To stop believing that God will help and will be there for us in our future.

Peter writes this section to give those under trial some hope and to encourage them to persevere. To understand what he is trying to say, it is necessary to define what Peter means by 'hope'. He defines hope as a "confident certainty in God", therefore our hope should have Jesus as it's foundation since:

- (1 Peter 1:3) Jesus is alive and so our hope is alive

- (1 Peter 1:13) Jesus is coming back and will give us grace

- (1 Peter 1:21) Our hope should only be in Jesus and all the he is

The problem is, once we lose hope in God, we stop changing, learning, growing and repenting. In other words, once we stop hoping in God, we stop trying and so we start dying.

Listed below are 6 ways we can hope:

1. I can be a wise learner (1 Peter 1:13)

- Hear God's word: listen to sermons, download an audio Bible, listen to good, sound teaching on God, download theology seminars from websites (Reformed Theological seminary allows free downloads of it's courses)

- Read God's word: don't just rely on other people to tell you what God's word says. Read it for yourself, so that you can be informed of the truth and know how to recognise sound or false teaching. Be like the Bereans (Acts 17:11).

- Memorise God's word: this can be individual verses or whole books of the Bible. Start small and work up to it.

- Study God's word: don't just read the Bible. There are different ways to study it like inductive Bible studies, reading around in history, looking at the context of the book and getting a good study Bible.

- Discuss God's word: share what you've learned with others and learn from their insights.

2. I can be a sober thinker (1 Peter 1:13)

- This is a result of studying the word of God and being absorbed in it. The more you study, the more you will be able to make sound, biblical decisions.

3. I can be a grace seeker (1 Peter 1:13)

- When we are focussed on what we lack, we are unable to see God's grace in our lives. The idea here is to make a conscious decision to look for God's hand in our lives, even the small things of each day. Another way is to listen to the stories of others, how God is helping someone get through cancer, how God is helping a couple to restore their marriage; God's grace is all around us and we need to open our eyes to see it, so that our hope can be strengthened and we will persevere because the same God who's been faithful to them will also be faithful to you.

4. I can be a holy worshipper (1 Peter 1:14-16)

- Holiness is the attribute most mentioned in the Bible when describing God. Holiness means to be set apart and to be completely other from anything else. Striving to be holy in everything we do is an act of worship. Being holy is not something we have to be to get God to love us. He already does! In loving us, he enables us to obey him and it is by his love that we are transformed into someone more like him - someone holy!

5. I can be a ransomed sinner (1 Peter 1:17-19)

- Just like the Israelites were exiles in Egypt under the cruel taskmaster, Pharoah, though their home was the promised land, we were exiles in the world under the sin as a cruel taskmaster. Our 'promised land' is heaven. Jesus came, died and rose again to free us from sin and one day we will be in heaven with him.

- However, just like the Israelites complained once they had been freed from slavery and longed for the 'good old days' in Egypt, we too lose sight of what we have in Jesus and look back on our life before Christ and sometimes long for it. We romanticise our sin and think of ourselves freer than we are now, forgetting that we were slaves to sin.

- We have to realise that our slavery to sin is voluntary. Nobody else puts us into that position. Unfortunately, we only realise that we are once again a slave to sin once it's 'shackles' are on us.

- But just like God sent Moses to rescue his people from slavery in Egypt, he sent Jesus to free us from our slavery to sin. With Jesus we can overcome sin and not just manage it. He can release us from our addictions.

6. I can be a legacy leaver (1 Peter 1:19)

- In Jesus, we are freed from the legacy given to us by our family. We do not have to continue in the same way our families did before. With Jesus's help, we can change and leave a new legacy for our children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren. We can change and transform our family history.

The last point is why we should have our hope in Jesus . This is what is covered in 1 Peter 1:20-21. Before we can put our hope in Jesus, we have to see him as he really is. The view we tend to have of him is a weak, passive person, but that is not how Isaiah saw him in Isaiah 6 or as John saw him in Revelation. He is strong, powerful, he has been glorified and now sits at the right hand of God. This is the Jesus we have our hope in. He will never fail us and he will see us through to the very end.

Trial and Scripture

2011-11-22T17:00:00.002Z

So we come to sermon number 3.

"Concerning this salvation, the prophets, who spoke of the grace that was to come to you, searched intently and with the greatest care, trying to find out the time and circumstances to which the Spirit of Christ in them was pointing when he predicted the sufferings of Christ and the glories that would follow. It was revealed to them that they not serving themselves but you, when they spoke of the things that have now been told you by those who have preached the gospel to you by the Holy Spirit sent from heaven. Even angels long to look into these things."

(1 Peter 1:10-12 NIV)

The Bible is a history book, which tells us of our need of salvation and a Saviour. It is full of prophecy that culminates in the birth, death and resurrection of Jesus. No other religion has the amount of prophecy that our Scriptures have. The writers and prophets in the Bible did not write just their own ideas, but they were divinely inspired by God through the Spirit and so essentially, it is God who wrote the Bible. The Bible, therefore, is not speculation and it's main theme is grace - the story of us, ill-deserving sinners, pursued and saved by God. This also makes the most perfect thing on this earth the Bible.

There are only three things that the Bible is about:

1. Salvation

2. by Grace

3. through the suffering and glory of Jesus

This is where the doctrine of Verbal Plenary Inerrancy comes in. This is the doctrine that means that you have to take the whole Bible, all it says and all the words and ideas, at it's word. There is not one part of the Bible that can be left out or thought to be useless. Some might think that the Old Testament is obsolete and useless, but we have to remember that when Jesus preached to the two disciples on the road to Emmaus, the only Bible there was was the Old Testament and he showed them how it all spoke about his birth, death, resurrection and how God would save his people. Moreover, in this passage, Peter is referring to the Old Testament and saying that it was written by God because no-one other than God could know the future and bring it to pass.

Following is the summary of some of the prophecies about Jesus:

700 BC: Isaiah 7:14

The Lord will give you a sign - a pregnant virgin, who will give birth to a son.

700 BC: Micah 5:2

God will be born in Bethlehem, an inconsequential town, as a baby.

400 BC: Malachi 3:1

Before he comes, he will send a messenger - this we now know was John the Baptist. Also, God is coming to his temple, therefore, it had to have been before 70 AD when the temple was destroyed, which implies he has already come.

700 BC: Isaiah 35:5-6

God on earth would perform many miracles including healing the blind, deaf and lame.

500 BC: Zechariah 11:12-13

Jesus would be betrayed for 30 pieces of silver and this betrayer would throw the money back into a specific part of the temple, namely where the potter was.

1000 BC: Psalm 22:16

A band of men would surround Jesus and crucify him by piercing his hand is feet. This is one of the more astounding prophecies because crucifixion was not invented until a few hundred years later.

700 BC: Isaiah 53:6-11

The end of Isaiah 52 and the whole of Isaiah 53 is packed full of messianic prophecies. The suffering servant would come, be sinless, he will bear all our sins, we have all wandered away from God, he would be buried in a rich man's tomb, and then he would be resurrected and give salvation to his people. If this isn't talking about Jesus, who does it describe?

Religious people tend to moralise the Bible, looking at it as a book full of inspiring stories that will enlighten us, but this takes us away from the hero of the Bible - Jesus! The Bible is not just information, it is about transformation. Informing ourselves and being intelligent is good, but the whole point of the Bible is telling us about Jesus and enabling us to love him. The Bible is all about Jesus and it is only about Jesus.

To believe in the Bible requires faith and this comes from God. A by-product of faith is holiness. So by faith, we will love him more and by loving him more, we will become more like him, therefore, we will be holy.

Another point is that the Old Testament was written by prophets, but the New Testament was written by eye-witnesses. The prophets were told about what the apostles saw and experienced. The New Testament is all about eye-witness accounts and so it was not made up. Peter says in 2 Peter 1:16-18 that what they wrote was not "cleverly invented stories". Along with this verse, there are other verses in the New Testament which back up the fact that the Bible was not made up - 2 Timothy 3:16 (scripture is God-breathed and useful for teaching, rebuking, training and correcting), 2 Peter 1:20-21 (the prophet's were inspired and didn't make it up) and in 2 Peter 3:15-16 (Peter refers to Paul's letters as Scripture). Not accepting the truth of the Bible reveals a hardness of heart.

Finally, there are two ways to view Scripture:

1. You have authority over it and so you can pick and choose what you believe.

2. You are under the authority of Scripture and so you change your mind, repent and submit to it in humility.

Peter ends this section by saying that all this is so wonderful that even the angels long to look into it. Fallen angels have no chance of repentance, but we fallen humans have a chance to repent and be saved because of Jesus. They have no hope, but we have hope in Jesus. He has given us a way out of this life of sin and a way into an eternity in heaven with him. :)

Trial and Jesus

2011-11-16T15:38:00.003Z

Trial and Jesus

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade - kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God's power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith - of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire - may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honour when Jesus is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls."

(1 Peter 1:3-9 NIV)

The main focus of this sermon was on verse 6 - grieved by various trials, but greatly rejoicing. Trials are what all of us go through at various stages of our lives and this causes many of us to be grieved. There is no sin in grieving because Jesus was also grieved by his suffering. As Christians, we should not hide behind the lie that we should be smiley, happy, positive people all the time.

Grieving takes many forms. It can be a heaviness that hangs over us, anxiety about the future leading to difficulty in getting to sleep, dread, fear, malignant sadness, deep sorrow, weeping, despair and depression. In these times, our friends will try to counsel us and sometimes this causes us more pain. They may be like Job's friends asking us to confess sin believing that God sent the trial to punish us. They may also be painful friends in that they don't seek to understand and grieve you, but tell you instead to 'be positive' or that 'you're a winner'. This is because many of us fail to realise that sorrow and trial are a very real part of being a Christian that the Bible talks about sorrows as well as joys. What we have to remember is that Jesus was described in Isaiah as the 'man of sorrows' and that Jesus was not immune to sorrow and suffering.

Another lie is that in grief, Jesus will fix everything. The Bible does not say this. Of course, in the midst of trial, it is not wrong to pray that God will deliver us from it, but it may not be his will to do so. False teachers claim that God will fix it if you pray hard enough or have enough faith, but this will only lead to more pain because what if it doesn't happen? What will you do then? The Bible does promise, however, that God will get us through our trial and that he will be there with us. The purpose of trial is to purify us so that we can be more like Jesus.

The correct response to suffering and trial is to rejoice. This is not a feeling that you can muster up, but an action that we should will ourselves to perform. Later I'll list the 10 reasons in the text for us to rejoice, but for now, these are some more natural responses to trial:

- You judge God - just because the trial may obscure God, does not mean that he ceases to be God or that he ceases to be good.

- You envy people - you want what they have because they are not suffering like you, but envy is a sin.

- Fall into self-pity - not only is this a form of pride, but it causes you to focus on yourself and takes your focus off God.

- You run to a 'functional saviour' - you go to alcohol, a boyfriend/girlfriend, sex, food or anything else other than God, but instead of relieving the trial, it only exacerbates it.

Once again, the correct response, though it doesn't come naturally to us, is to rejoice. It is not wrong to feel grief, but we should respond in rejoicing. We should give God the glory and focus on the weightiness and importance of God instead of the weightiness and importance of the trial.

Here are 10 reasons and ways that Peter gives to rejoice:

Verse 3: "In his great mercy" - a lot of our trials are a result of sin, but God is present, loving and affectionate. The world is not full of mercy, but God is.
Verse 3: "he has given us new birth" - he has caused us to be born again. He has given us salvation and therefore, a complete re-orientation of who we are.
Verse 3: "living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead" - because Jesus has conquered death and is alive, the source of our hope is also alive.
Verse 4: "into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade" - the treasure in heaven that we store up instead of here on earth will never be destroyed.
Verse 4: "kept in heaven for you" - this is a reminder that the earth is not ultimately our home, but heaven is. One day, this will all get better because we will be with our saviour for eternity.
Verse 5: "shielded by God's power" - our salvation is secure. When you don't feel like you can hold on to God, he will hold on to you. When you feel like you can't walk with him, he will carry you.
Verse 6: "though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief" - a little while refers to our life here on earth, which is long, but looks like a day in comparison to eternity.
Verse 7: " These have come so that your faith - of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire - may be proved genuine" - trial really purifies our faith just like fire purifies gold. For this reason, many of the godliest people we know are the ones who have suffered the most. Don't rejoice in the trial, rejoice in the result of the trial. To God, your faith is much more precious than gold.
Verse 8: "Though you have not seen him, you love him" - and though we do not see him, he loves us.
Verse 8: "though you do not see him now, you believe in him" - it is in trial that we see if we really believe in him.

And finally in verse 9 we have the whole reason of the trial which will give us yet another reason to rejoice - "for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls". We shouldn't forget that the sanctifying work of the Spirit in our lives is not instantaneous. We are a work in progress and trial is one way God uses to sanctify us and make us more like him.

I hope in this you don't misunderstand. Mark Driscoll does not want us to sing and dance because we are suffering in a masochistic way. He merely means that we should rejoice in anticipation of where the trial will bring us - closer to God, deeper into our knowledge of him and ultimately, we will be more like Jesus and because of these things, we should rejoice.

Trial and Sin

2011-11-15T20:15:00.003Z

Going to try a new thing. See what you think. I am basically going to write what I've learned from Mark Driscoll's sermons on Trial (1 and 2 Peter). I might also intersperse it with things I've noted from John Piper's book "Battling Unbelief". I don't know. I hope it encourages your walk.

Trial and Sin

"Peter, an apostle of Jesus Christ,

To God's elect, stranger in the world, scattered throughout Pontus, Galatia, Cappadocia, Asia and Bithynia, who have been chosen according to the foreknowledge of God the Father, through the sanctifying of the Spirit, for obedience to Jesus Christ and sprinkling by his blood:

Grace and peace be yours in abundance."

(1 Peter 1:1-2 NIV)

Though these are just 2 verses, in these two verses we get all the truth of our salvation - namely that we are elect, we have been chosen by God, we are sanctified by the Spirit and therefore we can obey Jesus.

I don't know what your viewpoint is on election and predestination. I don't mean to cause a stir, but in these verses we are told that we are elect and God foreknew us. We know from Romans 3:10-18 that we didn't seek God because we were lost and we all sought our own way. Despite our unwillingness to follow God, God chose us and enabled us to have a relationship with him. We didn't do anything to deserve his grace and yet he pours it out on us anyway.

We know from the outpouring of his grace that God is never going to fail us and we are never going to surprise him with our sin. On the cross, Jesus died for our sins - past, present and future. We are no longer condemned, but have been given the right as sons and daughters to approach the throne of grace which we can approach in prayer.

Once we believe by faith in the truth of our salvation, we are given the Holy Spirit, who works in us to sanctify us, which means he is transforming us from the inside out so that we may one day be like Jesus. Phillipians 1:6 reminds us that we are a work in progress, but that God will finish what he started. The Spirit also transforms our desires, so that the closer we are brought to God, the more we desire to get closer.

Peter also refers to us as 'strangers'. The ESV uses the word 'exiles' instead, which makes his idea a lot clearer. The world is not our home, but heaven is. To make the world home is to make yourself depressed. It can't satisfy because we are being made for an eternity with our Saviour. This doesn't mean that life on earth is easy. To be a Christian means to be at war and we will be persecuted.

Persecution comes in two forms. In the West, what we experience may be verbal persecution - snide remarks by friends and colleagues, people maligning Christians, people calling us all stupid and misguided, etc. This gradually eats away at us and takes away our joy. The persecution that our brothers and sisters in the East face is physical. They put us to shame because they face up to it, but we merely try to be politically correct and sometimes say nothing at all.

There are 5 ways to respond to our form of persecution:

- Be liberal - take what seems palatable from the Bible and leave behind the things that make us uncomfortable

- Privatise your faith - keep silent and keep your faith to yourself without sharing it with anyone

- Quit - life as a Christian is too hard, so we give up under pressure

- Be fundamental - instead of loving our enemies and showing them gentleness, we fight against them

- Live as an exile - this means living as a missionary and living differently, not for our glory, but for God's glory.

I don't know what this looks like, but the early Christians loved their enemies in such a way that they too became fellow followers of Christ. We are to do this too. It is easy to retaliate and not love, but we are to love and forgive others as Jesus has loved and forgiven us. This is really scary, but we have to look at Peter as an example. He was, at the beginning of his faith, like us - someone who was afraid and affected by what people thought of him. The New Testament gives us two examples of when Peter caved in to the fear of man - when he denied Jesus three times and when he followed the Judaisers, who expected the Gentile Christians to live as Jews. However, church history records that Peter was so transformed later in his life that he was willing to die crucified upside-down instead of denying Jesus.

Like Peter, we should keep our eyes on Jesus and trust in the sanctifying work of the Spirit. If we persevere in our faith, we too will be transformed so that we will pay more attention to what God thinks of us and not what people think of us. By God's grace, I hope we will all become people who will be bold for Jesus and will be vessels God uses to bring people to Him and to disciple them.

Update

2011-08-26T12:29:00.001+01:00

Just a quick update, my boss has offered to pay €160 of the total cost, which is €560. I am still waiting to hear from the landlord and I'm hoping I can pay it in €50 installments. Thanks for praying.

2011-08-23T20:23:00.002+01:00

Sorry for shamelessly posting a prayer request on my blog, but why not. The more people praying the better, right?

Here's the background. In April, I looked after my boss's cats and stayed at her flat. She was on a business trip. Everything was fine when I left, but when she came back, there was a crack in her ceramic stove top and it gradually became so bad that it cracked all the way across the stove top. As it wasn't damaged before she left and I didn't take a photo of the stove top before I left, it looks like I did it and therefore I am liable to pay for the damage and repair costs.

My boss has tried to use her third party liability insurance and her home contents insurance, but neither of these has agreed to cover the costs and so it is up to me. My stance has been that I am willing to pay, but the problem is that I am not in a position to pay the whole amount at once. Right now, work is very slow - I'm freelance, so I get paid only when there is work - and I have just about enough money for all my regular costs and not much extra.

My boss has given my email address to her landlord and I am hoping to negotiate a repayment plan. Please pray that we will be able to come to an agreement that I can afford and if not, that I will trust that God knows all about this and that He will provide for me. I'd really appreciate your prayers, as I really don't know where the extra money will come from. Thanks! :)

2011-08-13T20:54:00.002+01:00

Two posts in one day!! Well, I wanted this to be an encouragement - since it encouraged me. Please go on and read the 'Joy in Suffering' post first and come back to this version of Charlotte Elliot's hymn "Just as I am".

Just as I am without one plea

But that thy blood was shed for me

And that thou bidst me come to thee

Oh Lamb of God I come! I come!

Just as I am and waiting not

To rid my soul of one dark blot

To thee whose blood can cleanse each spot

Oh Lamb of God I come! I come!

I come broken to be mended

I come wounded to be healed

I come desperate to be rescued

I come empty to be filled

I come guilty to be pardoned

By the blood of Christ the Lamb

And I'm welcomed with open arms

Praise God! Just as I am

Just as I am I would be lost

But mercy and grace my freedom bought

And now to glory in your cross

Oh Lamb of God I come! I come!

How great to have a God who loves us just as we are and where we're at and will lovingly cleanse us from all sin and deliver us from our trials if we come to Him in prayer and surrender our lives to Him. :)

Joy in Suffering

2011-08-13T20:41:00.004+01:00

So, I've been listening to Mark Driscoll's sermons on Phillipians and this one - the third in the series - is amazing. Well, his teaching is generally good. But I wanted to share some things that he said because they really encouraged me.

I'll only be sharing extracts, so they may not be so coherent. To listen to the whole sermon - or in fact, the whole series - go to marshill.com The series is entitled "The Rebel's Guide to Joy".

"...in large part, to be alive means that you will suffer; that you will suffer physically, and emotionally, and spiritually, and mentally, and relationally. And the Bible is so replete with suffering that roughly one third of the Psalms, which are songs and Psalms sung of God’s people in praise and gratitude to God, one third of those or more include Psalms of lament, where God’s people are groaning, and struggling, and wrestling, in a lamenting fashion with the difficulty of sin."

"And human suffering is so real, and so raw, and so replete throughout Scripture that there are, occasionally, those in Scripture who, despite their great love of God, question why they were even born, cursed the day of their own birth. Perhaps, you can identify with them. Perhaps, you have or are suffering to such a degree that you wake up and, occasionally, look in the mirror and ask, “Why, God, was I ever born? It seems like it is nothing but sorrow, and shame, and suffering, and why in the world would I be brought into an existence that is marked by this level of pain?

If so, then Job and Jeremiah would echo your sentiment. Those two men in the Bible asked the question of God, “Why was I born? Why did I leave my mother’s womb to see nothing but sorrow, and shame, and strife, and suffering, all the days of my life?”"

"You and I can only handle seeing so much suffering, and hearing so much suffering, and we reach a point where we simply cannot continue to see it or hear of it. And I want you to, for a moment, consider with me what it must be like that we are incapable of fully experiencing this; what it must be like to be God. The Bible tells us that God sees everything. That means that God sees all injustice, evil, sin, atrocity, pain and suffering. He sees all of it. There is never a moment that God is not seeing suffering. Unlike you and I, God never has a moment of respite.

Additionally, the Bible teaches us that God hears all. There is never a moment that God does not hear those who are weeping, and wailing, and screaming, and shouting, and crying, and moaning in agony, and pain, and suffering. And God endures this continually, unendingly, unceasingly. And the Bible says that God is good. That God is loving. That God is merciful. That God is compassionate. And you and I, when we see suffering in our life for the life of others, when we hear of suffering in our life or the life of others, we are overwhelmed. And for God, this is continual and it encompasses every human being on the earth."

"You and I will suffer. Will we suffer in a way that is purposeful that God might do something in us or through us, or will we suffer in a way that is purposeless, that nothing good would be accomplished in us and that nothing good would be accomplished through us?"

"You and I will suffer. Paul, here, is suffering. And what Paul is exemplifying for us is that there is a way to suffer as a Christian so that our suffering is purposeful and not purposeless. My question to you is this: when you suffer, because the question is not if, when you suffer, will you suffer in a way that is purposeful or purposeless? Will you suffer in a way that God could do a good thing in you? We call it sanctification. It is where through suffering, and hardship, and pain and mourning, and loss and strife, and struggling, we are made to be more and more patterned after the character of Jesus Christ. Or will suffering, for you, become an opportunity that you allow to pass you by so that God is not able, because of your stubbornness to do anything good in you?"

"You will suffer. Will you suffer well? Will you suffer in such a way that God, through Jesus Christ, could do something good in you; grow you in love, and mercy, and patience, and kindness, and faith, and humility, and Christ-likeness. My first question is will your suffering compel you to love Jesus more? Some of you know what I’m talking about. You have suffered, and because of your suffering, you love Jesus because in your suffering, you lost everyone and everything but Jesus, and he’s the only treasure you have.

Some of you, in your suffering, have learned to love Jesus more because you realize that our God didn’t stay distant and far away. Unlike the false demon gods of other religions, he was willing to humbly come into human history and our God suffered because of that. When you suffer, you love him so much because he chose suffering in a way that you and I would never choose to suffer."

"Have you suffered? Are you suffering? In what way has or could God, if you would partner with him in the suffering, use it to accomplish something good in you? And if you will partner with God in that way, he will take what he has worked into you and he will work it through you as a witness so that, as the world sees you suffer, and as the church sees you suffer, they see that Jesus is making a difference. They see that Jesus is at work. They see that you are suffering in a way that you absolutely could not apart from Jesus. Will your suffering be purposeless in you? Will it be purposeless through you? Or will it be purposeful in you, and will it be purposeful through you? I am begging you not to waste your suffering. Your tears should not be in vain. Your struggle should not be in vain. Your hardship should not be in vain. It should not be wasted. It should not be neglected. It should not be abandoned. It should be embraced as Gospel centered, Jesus given, divine opportunity. Paul is demonstrating that for us."

"...will the Christians who watch you suffer, and hear you suffer grow in their faith? Will they become more bold? Paul says, “What has happened to me, brothers, has really served to advance the Gospel.” Some of the Christians were timid. They were shy. They were embarrassed a little bit about Jesus. They didn’t wanna say his name and now, the Christians have become more bold. They say, ‘Yes, I am a Christian. Yes, I do love Jesus. Yes, I do belong to Jesus.’ Christians are watching other Christians suffer and we may articulate a theology, but we demonstrate true belief with how we suffer."

"You will suffer. Will you suffer well? Will you suffer purposefully or purposelessly? Will you suffer in such a way that God does a work in you and through you or will you waste it? Will your waste your sickness, and your poverty, and your hardship, and your loneliness, and your tears, and your grief, and your sadness, and your sorrow, and your suffering? What a great tragedy it would be for you to waste all of that.

There was American missionary to India. His name was E. Stanley Jones. He has a great quote that I think articulates so much of what Paul is trying to summarize. He says this: "Don't bear trouble. Use it." "Don't bear trouble. Use it. Take whatever happens, justice and injustice, pleasure and pain, compliment and criticism, take it up into the purpose of your life and make something out of it. Turn it," he says, "into a testimony." "Into a testimony.""

Ok, so Mark Driscoll goes on to talk about 10 false teaching about suffering, but this is already a very long post, so I am going to leave it there. There's enough for you to chew on and to think about. I really recommend listening to the whole sermon. :)

2011-08-04T21:12:00.003+01:00

Wow! I haven't blogged since March!! Goodness! So much has happened since then. My timetable totally filled up and I've been so busy.

Anyway, what's going on now is that I am struggling to really understand what it means that God is sovereign and that He is good and, particularly, good to me. I went on the church retreat in June and there I really realised that I can believe that God is good to you, but to me, no way. To me, He only sends difficulty and I can't expect anything good from God. So, obviously, I was convicted of this thinking and wanted to change.

What I did when I got back was study the book of Ruth. The book of Ruth, of course, is a book all about God's goodness and sovereignty - particular at times when it seems like God is not working at all. I loved the study I did. I did it mainly by listening to the Redeeming Ruth series by Mark Driscoll and John Piper's sermons on Ruth. I loved those sermons and learned a lot, though since then and having prayed that God would show me what it means that He is sovereign and that He is good to me, it seems like my life has become more difficult than it was before.

I won't go into details of the difficulties, as they are mainly financial. Anyway, my point is that my heart is at the point of giving up. I feel so heavy under the weight of it all that I don't really know what to do. I know what I should do is pray, but I feel like I have no strength. I am, unfortunately, at a point where I have lost all motivation to read God's word. This is ironic because I know in my heart of hearts that this is exactly what I should do.

Well, my main struggle is that my heart is turning bitter. It seems like things are going so well for my friends and for me, it's going in the opposite direction. This is, of course, not entirely true as my job is going really well. I am established as a really good teacher and my timetable is full most of the time. There are down periods, of course, but I still have enough money to pay my bills and to socialise. My church has come through and helped me with the big bills that came out of nowhere. I have support in dealing with the issues I have to deal with and there are people praying for me. I have become a member of the church and I have made some real friends.

So what's the problem? The problem for me is the apparent ease of other people's lives. I feel like I am constantly hiking up a steep hill where my friends are strolling along a plateau. I have very little idea if that is actually true or not because I feel bad thinking it and so I haven't asked them.

I guess I thought one of the reasons that God brought me to Germany was to develop my career. I am beginning to see that the main reason was to develop my spiritual life. I have learned so much more about God and me in relation to Him since I started going back to church last year and I feel right now more than ever I am being refined and pounded. There is a part of me that is joyful because I know at the end of all this I will be more beautiful on the inside and more of a reflection of God's glory than I am now. And that will be amazing. Of course, I won't be 'done', but I will be that much closer to the woman God wants me to be and that brings a part of me so much excitement. Unfortunately, a bigger part of me is just so tired of the constant 'pounding'. I know as 'clay' we have to be, so that we can be moulded into the right shape, but goodness! When will it stop?!

I feel like Naomi at the beginning of the book of Ruth. I feel like saying, just like she did, "Do not call me Naomi; call me Mara, for the Almighty has dealt very bitterly with me. I went away full, but the Lord has brought me back empty." My hope is, of course, found at the end of the book of Ruth where Naomi's life has done a complete 180. Her life is full again and it was God who did it all. I don't mean, of course, wealth and prosperity - except that my spiritual life will be full of it - but I know God will work it out, that God is working though I can't see it and that God is with me now even though I can't feel it. I know because I see it in His word and He is always the same, never changing. Still, it's hard being in the middle of it and not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel with my eyes, but knowing that there is a light by the very little faith I have at the moment.

This is the day that the Lord has made

2011-03-06T19:37:00.004Z

... I will rejoice and be glad in it. Or will I?

What is joy? What does it mean to rejoice in the Lord always? I have no idea!

Recently my mum told me that God had said to her that I have no joy in my life. Since then, at least 3 people have said the same. Joy is one of the fruits of the Spirit. Why do I lack it? This is something I have been thinking through, but the only conclusion I could come to was because I was looking too much at my own life and not enough at God.

Tonight I was listening to a sermon by Todd Nighswonger from Cornerstone Simi. He was talking about being filled with the Spirit and what is really means. Now, a lot of it was pretty intense, so I am not sure that I got all of it. But the part that spoke to me most was the part about joy. We don't rejoice in God when we try to live our lives apart from him. We are not filled with the Spirit when we try to do things our way and expect God to bless it. So, I guess that's a big part of why I don't have joy. I am still trying to live my life and ask God to join in when he should be the centre of my universe and I should follow him.

Ok, how do you not get overwhelmed and bogged down by this? I have a tendency to always look at all the sin in my life, and then I realise that there must be more beneath the surface because I am not aware of half the filth in me and I feel condemned. And then you have to remind yourself that condemnation is of the enemy and not of God because God doesn't condemn us. Our awareness of sin should lead us to repentance, forgiveness, God's grace and his mercy. Which I guess should lead to joy. How do you get out of this cycle?

What does it mean to rest in God's peace? What does it mean to rely on God's strength to get you through the day? What does it mean to redeem the time for the days are evil? I don't know. Ok, so I know what it means, but how does one apply it to one's life? Any ideas?!

I don't want to be a joyless person. I don't want to be someone who doesn't know God. I want to say "This is the day that the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it" and not be sarcastic.

Anyone worked through this and get to the other side?

Grace is always undeserved

2011-02-12T11:48:00.003Z

This week I have been overwhelmed by so many things. So many things are happening in every one's lives around me. I don't really know how to deal with it. What I should have done is prayed about it all, but as yet, I haven't.

I have been struggling financially for the past few weeks and on Thursday, someone gave me a vast sum of money because God had placed it on their heart to do so. I was so blessed at the generosity of someone I really haven't known for long. She gave it to me so that I can start putting money aside for going to Malaysia.

However, this situation has revealed to me just how short-sighted I am by God's provision. As you may remember from a post earlier this year, I have a horrible tax situation coming up with a bill that may amount to close to £4000. As much as God has been good to provide some money toward me saving to go to Malaysia, I am questioning this fear and anxiety that is building up in my heart about this tax situation. I wish I could explain everything, but it really is so very complicated.

I had a very long conversation with one of my friends today about various things, but at the very end she said, "You have seen God's provision first-hand in your life this week. Do you really believe that in this tax situation where you are trying to do the right thing and the legal thing, with the intention of honouring God through it - do you really think that God's provision will not come through for that?" All I can do is answer honestly - my head knows that she's right, but my heart is prone to becoming anxious about it.

I also realised that I have such a huge tendency to focus on the mountain in front of me and not on God. Don't I remember that God is bigger than the mountain?

Another thing going through my mind is how much I didn't deserve to have this nice thing happen to me when so many of my friends have had such a bad week this week. But another thing I was reminded of is that in all these things, God is being good. To all of us. He is doing something and in that something He is drawing us closer to Him and shaping us into the people He wants us to be. And don't I know that nothing that we have is deserved? Aren't our daily lives a picture of the undeserved grace of God?

I guess this is why it is important to spend time with God daily. We need that consistent reminder of who God is and I guess this is why God always asked the Israelites to remember who He is and what He did for them in the past. It is only in this constant reminder of God's past faithfulness that we can truly be assured of His faithfulness in the present and future.

Into the Wild

2011-02-04T20:45:00.003Z

Have any of you seen the movie "Into the Wild"? I just watched it tonight. It is about a young guy who was disillusioned by the world, particularly because people were so horrible to each other. According to him, people threw the word 'love' around a lot, but were still really horrible to each other. He also thought that money was evil and gave the remainder of his life savings to Oxfam. Throughout the film, whenever he had money, he used it for supplies or, a couple of times, he just burned it. So, because he thought he knew better, he decided to go off alone and live in the wild. He came across many people throughout his journey and with his candidness and honesty, he solved a few problems and really touched some people. His big aim though was to get away from everyone and live alone in the wilderness of Alaska. He achieved his dream.

The irony of the whole movie was, right before the end, he realised that he couldn't be truly happy without people and so he packed up all his stuff and set off back home, however, a river that he'd forded in the winter had expanded into a torrent and he couldn't cross it without endangering his life. Then he faced a period of hunger, which led him to look for plants and berries that he could eat. In his haste, he ate the wrong plant and this led to a slow and painful death, during which time he reflected on his decisions and died alone. Only 2 weeks later, moose hunters found him and finally his family, who hadn't heard from him for 2 years, had word of what had happened to him. Two weeks! If only he could have survived till then! But then, perhaps it was already too late and what happened was inevitable...

The other movie that is about how you can't survive on your own is '127 Hours'. I've only watched a featurette on it and an interview with the guy who inspired the movie. But this guy thought he could make it on his own too and then ended up stuck in a gorge for 127 hours with his hand trapped behind a boulder and eventually he had to cut it off so that he could leave.

I just wanted to mention the other movie because it came into my head and is vaguely related to the thoughts that resulted from the 'Into the Wild' movie... Also, both brought Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 to mind (Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up.)

Why am I posting about this? Well, this year God has told me will be the year I finally let the pain that I've been carrying around with me for the last 4 or 5 years go. The pain that was caused all those years ago by certain and various people. The pain that has so warped my view of human relationships that I don't even recognise it when people care. The pain that prevents me from admitting I'm vulnerable and I need help. The pain that has made me forget what it is like to have people in my life that I can rely on. The pain that has made me so sensitive to people's actions that the moment they slip up I turn around to them and say, "See, I knew you never really cared". The pain that, if taken to the extreme, would have led me to do exactly what the guy in the movie did - leave every one and every thing behind because 'love' is just a word for most people, if not all of them.

One of the people that were briefly in his life was a man called Ron Franz, who said to him "But when you forgive, you love. And when you love, God's light shines through you."

Isn't this what God said to me this time last year when my church started to go through 1 John? I still remember the impact of 1 John 2:9-11. (Anyone who claims to be in the light but hates his brother is still in the darkness. Whoever loves his brother lives in the light, and there is nothing in him to make him stumble. But whoever hates his brother is in the darkness and walks around in the darkness; he does not know where he is going, because darkness has blinded him.)

So, letting go is a painful process. This pain has become a part of me. It has made his home in me. It has grown into all the recesses of my heart and it's roots are deep within me. For God to bring me closer to the woman He intended me to be, this pain will have to be uprooted, thrown out and destroyed. I have to open myself up to the people He has put into my life, trust them, love them and I have to forgive them. They are not responsible for my past hurt. And my present hurt is really caused by me. It's going to be one long, painful process, but at the end of it, I will be free of that, healed and more whole than I was at the beginning.

The realisation the guy had at the end of the film was that happiness is nothing if it isn't shared. This brought to mind the fact that God created us to be in relationship with one another. In Christ, we are a body and a family. We all need each other and we were all created to function together. That means me too. And this is a great barrier to me using my gifts in the church God has brought me to...

If you pray for me, pray for me as I battle within myself because I do not want to let this go. I feel justified in my pain and use it as an excuse to not be a part of this church and small group that God has put me in. I use it as an excuse to keep people at a distance. In any case, if God says I have to let it go, I have to. He knows best after all! Pray that I submit and that I don't struggle. And pray for the people in my life, that they will have all the patience they need to love me and help me through this process. Thank you.

Stewardship

2011-01-12T21:51:00.002Z

What do you think of when you hear the term 'stewardship'? Since going back to church last year, I've really been convicted about being a good steward of what God has given me - especially when it comes to my flat and how I treat it and care for it. That's where it started. It has since gone to how I treat my body, my time, money and now, to the gifts God has given me.

I've been up and down when it comes to caring about my flat. I came back this year with a new conviction to clean my flat and really keep it tidy. So far, I've made good progress and I'm hoping that by the end of the week or the middle of next week, all I'll have to do is maintain it. Of course, I always aim for that, but at some point, I lose track of why I'm doing it. Still, it is something I feel God has placed on my heart to honour Him in and I will keep trying and praying that He will help me to honour Him there.

What I've started praying about is also how to honour God in time, at work and with money. Today on the way to work I was listening to a 'sermon' on my iPod. It was by Cornerstone Church in Simi Valley and it was more a question and answer session from 28 November 2010. I recommend listening to it. Really challenging and I found that I agreed with everything, which meant that I had to put what God has convicted me of into practise. With time and work, I'd already realised and started praying about it. With money, I'd just scratched the surface and saw my lack of trust that God really would provide for all my needs and wants. I also saw what my attitude was when it came to tithing and that this also had to do with my lack of trust - very much like the Israelites who took more manna then they needed because they didn't think there'd be any the day after.

So, with my body, I really need to start doing exercise and cook more for myself. Also, I need to start incorporating more fruit and vegetables into my diet and cut down on coffee. I'm leaving the food and body part till February because I still have some stuff to do with my flat and I want to get that in order before I do anything else. I realise that my aims are too unrealistic and so I usually fail and then give up. Part of what I learned over Christmas was to set realistic goals and to realise that you probably will fail for whatever reason, but to pick yourself up and move on. So far, it has worked. Taking the whole week into perspective and assigning tasks for each day. Really going well. Flat first, then body.

The money issue really got to me because it was an offence to God and how can I doubt His goodness and faithfulness?! But the one that really cut me deep in this question and answer session was about what you're doing with the gifts God gave you. Man! I'm doing nothing. I swear I am just hiding! I've buried my talents in the ground. The guy who was speaking basically reminded me of the truth, which is that God put me in this church and He gave me certain gifts and He gave them to me to be a blessing in the church that I am in. They are not just for me. They are God's, given to me for His glory and to be a blessing to my brothers and sisters in Christ.

Don't get me wrong. I am doing some things like Sunday School and serving tea and coffee, but I could really be singing and looking out for more ways to get involved. A big reason I'm not doing more is fear. I was so involved at CU and my last church. I don't want to be taken for granted and used again. Also, the other side of it is a lack of love for the people in my church. Sure, there are people that I really care about, but I want to hide and not be seen. I want to be able to run away if I feel threatened. But here also reveals the lack of trust I have in the goodness and perfection of God's will for my life. Do I really think that I went to MICC by chance? No! I don't. And just like the hand can't say to the foot, "I don't need you!" I can't as a member of the body if Christ say that to the church and I also can't say that I will not do the task that God has brought me here to do.

Of course, I will now seriously have to start praying about how God wants me to serve the people in my life and the church He has put me

2011-01-09T20:03:00.002Z

I always find the beginning of a new year really difficult. It seems like there is always so much to think about and process. This year it was particularly difficult because the year ended so quickly. I feel like it was Christmas and New Year before I was ready for it. I mean, don't get me wrong, I was so ready for a holiday, but where did the year go? I don't think I have really had a chance to really reflect on the year at all and to be honest, I can't really remember much about the details of this year!!

In summary, things I'm thankful for:

- real friends

I feel like there are at least a couple of people who are really my friends. I have one girl here who is a friend too, but there is something much deeper and more meaningful when the people are Christians.

- relationship with God

Now I can say that I really have a relationship with God again. I need to pray and read the Bible and establish some sort of routine where I am spending time with God daily. I did that over the holidays and it was so beneficial. I totally felt the difference.

- a church and small group

OK, so my church isn't perfect, but which one is? And my small group is a little too big. But I have a place to go that has great teaching and I have a small group where I have people who care about me.

- an accountability partner

We haven't been able to meet as regularly as we would have liked because of work and she has to travel for work a lot, but the times we have met have been really great and I know there is a real desire to pray for each other and build each other up in the Lord.

- legal status as a freelancer

It was great that Thomas helped me so much to sort out the pension insurance and I had help establishing my health insurance. Now I have nothing to worry about in terms of the legality of my position. Phew!

Things to pray for for this year:

- tax situation

There is a weird situation with my last employer where basically I was lied to and it seems I have evaded taxes for the last 2 years. I have had a tax adviser for the last few months who has been helping me and he suggested that it might be cheaper for me to pay the taxes back to the UK. I can't go into much detail here, but I have written to the UK tax authorities and have heard nothing as yet. I think my best bet would be to fill in a couple of self-assessment forms for the last 2 years and go from there. But I'm facing a bill of at least £3,500. I don't know where the money will come from and I hope I'll be able to pay it back in installments.

- work

I have 'contracts' with four different schools. It would be great if they offered me more work and I can have more courses with them, as that would mean a little bit of stability. God has been really good for the last couple of months, where I sometimes had almost too much work. It would be great this year to get to a point where I don't constantly have to worry every month about having enough money to live. Praise God I always have enough money to pay my bills and rent!!

- deeper relationship with God and knowledge of the Bible

I would really like to grow closer to God this year and be even closer to the woman He wants me to be. My aim is to be like Ruth, who submitted to God's will, patient, gentle and obeyed without question. Also, would like to make a commitment to read the Bible - not necessarily study it - but read it. I haven't done that for ages. There is something so uplifting to your spirit just reading or listening to the Bible.

Those are the main things I guess. Feel a little better having taken at least a brief look at my life over the last year and the year ahead. God bless you this new year and I hope He will bless you with a deeper knowledge of Him and His ways. :)

Community

2010-11-02T10:54:00.003Z

This week the Gospel in Life series that we're working on in church and in small groups is about Community. I thought it would be difficult to take on, but actually the sermon was pretty straightforward and not too difficult. I'm sure it had a lot to do with the fact that I really looked into my heart and found what my idol was and prayed about it. I even wrote it down so that I would remember.

Going back to my idol briefly: What I found interesting was that there was, in fact, only one at the root. But the things I had been focussing on were the results or 'sub-idols' and were not the main issue. My idol, it turns out, was me. I wanted to do things to ensure that I was worshipped and that the focus was on me. I think this was really helpful for me. It made it much easier to swallow the teaching about community because of course it is about the 2 commandments that summarise the Law: Love the Lord God with all your heart, soul and mind and Love your neighbour as you love yourself. God first, then people. NOT God first, then me.

During the sermon, my gut reaction was to recoil and say to myself, "Yeah, but what if I do this and no-one else does". There is of course a very simple answer to that, "Obey". I think the right thing to do and what I have to do is simply to obey God. Regardless if other people are. Going through the study for small group tomorrow should be really interesting - especially looking at areas I should improve in. One of them being loving people who are unattractive. My idol showed me that I only wanted to be 'friends' or associated with certain people because they would in turn make me look attractive or popular. That is in fact not what we should be doing as Christians. We should love our brothers and sisters in Christ as He loves us. All of them - not just the pretty ones, nice ones or popular ones.

Then I would like to learn what I should do with the people who are already in my life. How should I best love and serve them? I have a friend who is very similar to me in that he also wants to live in isolation. For me, I still want to be around people though I find it difficult to admit I need help and to ask for help because I don't trust people. For him, he seems to trust people, yet very rarely wants to be around them. Our pastor spoke about how the Western world view is all about being an independent, self-sufficient individual, but God's view that we are an interdependent community, family or a body, where we work together for the good of all and not just for ourselves. God is already working in me on this area and I'd like to learn how to also help others. Not fix them, because I am no better.

Actually, that was another really good thing about the sermon - the reminder that we are not better than anyone else. We are all - ALL - sinners saved by the grace of God and that any good in us is really the outworking of the Spirit living in us and not actually us. That was a great reminder and puts Philippians verse in context -"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves". We can't be conceited because we have nothing to be conceited about. What I can boast about - God's saving grace, the Gospel of truth- is the same thing my brother or sister in Christ can boast about too.

Anyway, I have forgotten the reason I wanted to post in the first place... So, I'll stop now before this stream of consciousness distracts me any further...

2010-10-28T15:32:00.003+01:00

I feel a bit overwhelmed. I have had so much great teaching since the women's retreat in the middle of October, that I feel like my brain really doesn't know how to cope. I'm not entirely sure where I should begin and what I have to change first. There seems to be too much. The problem then is the temptation to do it all at once and I'm almost certain it will lead to failure and then discouragement.

So how do you prioritise the things in your life that you have to fix? Any ideas? Is it only by praying? Do you go with the one that you are struggling with now?

The thing is - if we look at idols - the issue is not the idol itself, but why it is an idol in the first place. What are the underlying issues? And we have to think about it with EVERY one of them. And then, we have to get rid of it and replace it with the gospel. It sounds so straighforward, but really it's so difficult.

But I suppose this comes down to my last post too, doesn't it? Turn your eyes away from yourself and fix them on Jesus. When you turn to an idol, you think it can satisfy you more than God, but it can't. It never will be able to. Hmmm... I guess the thing is to stop being anxious and start praying...

Idols

2010-10-24T20:20:00.005+01:00

I suppose it has dawned on most people that the reason that God speaks out against having idols is because they really destroy your life. When you have one - or two or three - it distracts from the one thing that can satisfy you, i.e. God. Why is it that we have them in the first place? And how do you get to a point where an idol is more important than God?

I'm not so good at remembering Bible verses, but worship songs also help:

Hungry, I come to you for I know you satisfy.

I am empty, but I know your love does not run dry.

AND

Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Look full in His wonderful face,
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,
In the light of His glory and grace.

How do you get rid of an idol? That was what the sermon today was about. First, I should repent and then rejoice in the truth of the Gospel and then rest in God. Those were the basic three points. Wouldn't it be nice if repentance was a one off thing and not something you had to do every day?

It's funny, isn't it, that a simple desire, that in itself is not a bad thing, can slowly turn into an obsession and take over your life? So much so that when that desire is not fulfilled, it's almost like your whole world falls apart around you. Thinking about it, it's so obvious that it's clearly wrong, but how many of us have fallen into that trap?

The key is always the same, isn't it? Pray, and spend time in the word. Get to know God. Recognise his voice. Learn what his will is. Rely on his strength to be able to do it. It's so simple and yet so difficult to do daily.

I want to want God for his sake and not for the blessings. If only it were easy to live every day knowing and believing with your whole heart that because we have God, we already have everything we could possibly want and need.

Serving God

2010-10-07T21:13:00.002+01:00

So, throughout the last month I have been pretty miserable about the fact that I haven't had much work and I have had far too much time to think and daydream and basically waste my time. But at the weekend, I finally sat down and stopped sulking for a bit and did a Bible study and prayed. This was mainly because I was on Sunday School and I really didn't want to do it without having spent some time with God. It occurred to me that I have spent so much time thinking how I would achieve something, thinking through what I should do to get what I want and sulking about how I don't have much work. But, I think God wants me to be here in Munich, in the church I am currently going to and to be in the lives of the people who have come into my life. And I haven't been using time to serve God or the people in my life or church. It occurred to me - FINALLY - that there must've been a reason God gave me so much time and I misused it.

My Bible study and a couple of sermons I have heard recently have dealt with this issue. I am here to serve God and not to serve myself. The sermon I heard this morning really moved me and challenged me. I have been wasting sooo much time!! I spoke to my pastor at small group last night and told him that I'd like to use my time to serve people, so if he hears of anything I might be able to do, I could do it. And I really need to start praying about what God wants me to do here or if he doesn't want me here, then I need to be able to leave here despite the attachments I have now. I also really need to devote time to God because I need to be able to recognise the voice of God and to follow his leading. I can't do this without spending time with God and getting to know him.

My life has been so consumed with a boy in particular and work and all other crap. I haven't asked God what he wants me to do here. My life was saved for more than just waiting to be a wife, working as a teacher and earning money. It is supposed to be about serving God and being in a relationship with him. I need to put him first and realise with my whole being that what he wants is best and his way is so much better than mine.

Your will, Lord, not mine.

A prayer

2010-09-30T10:52:00.003+01:00

Creator of all

Lord of my heart

Unoriginal statements

Still true.

You know what I need

And what I want

I give them all to you.

Take it -

This unnecessary burden I carry.

The difficulties of living for you

The uphill struggle

The constant battle

You know all about it.

You are there.

Help me to rely on you.

Clear out my heart

Be it's captor and conqueror

Be my Lord and lover of my soul.

Rule in me.

Reign in me.

Make me yours -

Only yours.

I need you.

Why is it so hard to ask God for what you want?

2010-09-21T20:07:00.003+01:00

I don't know if this is something you struggle with. But there has been something niggling inside of me for the past few weeks that I know I should pray about, but I haven't. The problem is, as a result, I haven't done any Bible study and haven't prayed at all. As much as I've been going to church and hanging out with Christians, I really haven't done anything about my personal relationship with God.

On the outside, I am nice, kind, sweet and very likeable, but only God and I know what goes on on the inside. To be godly is difficult. To do what the Bible tells you to is difficult. To rely on God's strength is difficult. To take every thought captive and so on and so on is difficult. I'm such a horrible, filthy sinner on the inside and that is only what I am aware of. Who knows what God sees when He looks at my heart. This is one reason why I can't and don't want to pray about this thing I want.

I had a conversation with a friend of mine a few weeks ago about this. And there was a sermon at church about it. What I try to keep in mind is nothing I have is deserved and God gives it to me anyway. He gives me food to eat, enough money for each month, He gave me a nice flat to live in, put nice people in my life, and so on and so on. I feel ashamed to ask Him for more because I haven't been a very good steward of the things He has already given me and for this reason I really don't feel like I would deserve it.

Also, another part is disappointment. My timetable has been absolutely crap this month. I've had whole days where I haven't had any work. And I've had far too much time to think about nonsense. I feel like my mind is blank and trying to think about anything constructive is almost impossible. And when I do have work, it's almost like I can't be bothered and I can't wait to get it over and done with. I am ridiculously ungrateful.

The third part is guilt. I've left it so long since I've prayed or done a Bible study that I feel bad for praying about something I want because I don't feel I have the right. Also, the last couple of times I've done a Bible study, I've done it half-heartedly. I didn't give God the credit and honour He's due. My heart and mind are in a bad place and I need to ask God to get me out of it, but I can't.

People look at me like I'm a godly woman and I don't know why. I am so crap at honouring God daily. Or even wanting to honour Him daily, hourly or even every minute. I know that everybody struggles and that God's grace is sufficient for me, but it doesn't make it right or even any better. I wish I could be consistent in my walk with God and that I would really love Him, not so I can get what I want, but so that what I want wouldn't matter because it is already what He wants. I want to be in communion with God, to know HIs presence and to do His will, but all I do is run away and try to do things my way, which time and again I have seen is stupid and yet I still insist on my way instead of God's way.

This has been really whiny, but I didn't intend it to be. Reading over the post, it has occurred to me that what I have is a heart problem because I am focussing on the things I want and don't have and not on God. These things - work, too much time, etc - have become an idol because they have taken my focus off of God and put it onto me. Woe is me. I'm a miserable creature. Yes, I was. But God has saved me and Jesus has cleansed me with His blood. I need to live like it. I need to live like I believe it. I need God.

2010-08-31T13:28:00.006+01:00

I'd like to share with you some things to thank God for in the last week or so and also to pray about in the upcoming weeks.

So we'll start with praise. As you already know, my health insurance was sorted out quite quickly. I'll have to pay for it soon though, but I'm not sure when. Though I won't be able to pay for it myself this first time - because I won't get paid till 10 Sept - I will get help to pay it. It turns out I only have to pay €255 per month for my pension payments for the first 3 calendar years of freelancing. Both of my interviews were successful, though I have only been offered one class with the Cambridge Institute because of my availabilty. There is a chance I'll start a class with Knowledge Point on 20 Sept too. Also, my relationships with people at church are becoming deeper and less superficial.

My prayer request for this month is really that my timetable will fill up. God was so faithful in August that I really can't believe He won't be this month. Please pray that this Knowledge Point class will go ahead and more will become available from each or all of the three schools I now work for. Right now it looks like I will only have enough money for my bills and not much else. It's looking quite scary.

A bigger prayer request is for my sister-in-law's brother, who is very, very ill. Unfortunately, I don't have many details. My brother and sister-in-law aren't Christians and neither are her family. It would be great if this would being them all closer to God.

Thank you.

Freelance

2010-08-23T19:41:00.002+01:00

I don't know if you have been praying for me, but it's been a while since I wrote about what's been going. Maybe you're interested in knowing how it's going... I don't know...

So, praise God, I've got my health insurance sorted out. The confirmation came today. I have had quite a few classes from Linguarama, so I've had enough money. So far, my last pay cheque looks like it will actually last until I get paid by Linguarama. Tomorrow is my first of 2 interviews for more freelance work. On Wed I'm going with one of the deacons of my church to pension place to talk to them about my payments. If you're praying for me, please pray for my interviews and the dealing with the pension payment, that I can get an affordable payment.

That's a lot to praise God for actually because things were looking quite bleak for me before. Now they're looking quite good. Of course they are difficult, but this was kinda what I was expecting because I was pretty sure that God wanted me to stay here.

As for what God's teaching me, I think he's teaching me about being a good steward. I mean in terms of what he's given me, so my flat, time, health, work, gifts, etc.. So far, I've been putting it into practise in terms of keeping my flat tidy. Now, I haven't been perfect with it of course. But my flat is much tidier than it was just a few months ago. And I've even started ironing my clothes!! Once every 2 weeks, but still. To save money I've started cooking once a week. I'm not eating my lunch out anymore. I can't believe just how much money that saves.

I've also been more careful with what I eat and I'm trying to get into the habit of doing exercise 2 or 3 times a week. I'm really actually starting to get convicted about the amount of junk food Christians eat and how much our socialising revolves around food. It's really weird how many overweight and even obese people are in the Church. Gluttony seems to be one of the sins that it overlooks... Anyway, I'm aware I'm overweight. Thankfully, not in such a bad way and not so far that it will affect my health, but if I don't watch what I eat and do some exercise, that might be lead to me becoming obese would not be being a good steward of my body. I'm not aiming to lose weight though, only because I don't want to be obsessed with it and let it become an idol.

I've been thinking about being a good steward in terms of money too. I know in terms of rent, bills and social security the total will come to €1100. This month's income is almost the same as it has been for the last year, but I may get more. So, I'm hoping that I'll be able to save some money. What is really on my heart is being able to tithe again or actually just tithing. What I did before was set aside that 10% and ask God what He wanted me to do with it and I really want to start doing that again.

This last thing is not really about being a good steward. But this is something that is growing in my heart. I really want to do something about the lack of women's ministry at my church. I mean, there is in terms of mothers and babies and an au pair bible study, but it's not quite the same. Cornerstone church and my small group have been going through Titus and the part about older women getting alongside younger women has really challenged me. I have met a couple of really great women at church, but not many older women and I miss the love and influence of an older woman in my life. I am really praying about setting up a forum where the women at the church can come together and get to know each other with the aim of them then pairing off into discipleship pairs. I don't even know if that's possible. I should speak to my pastor. Also, I'm hoping to keep praying about it and then as the women's retreat approaches in October, to then speak to the him about it. If he's ok with it, I'll bring it up with the women at the retreat. Maybe it'll be on some of their hearts already, or maybe not. But I want to keep thinking and praying about it.

I can't believe how much has changed in the last 6 or 7 months since I started going back to church. God is really working. Of course I haven't been so disciplined with bible study and praying, but I'm getting better. At least, I hope so... God's been good. Things have seemed almost impossible, but God has provided people to help. He's been good to me.

I wrote this a while ago... Sorry.

2010-08-04T19:59:00.001+01:00

So, first of all, I should let you all know that my Kindergarten job fell through. I found out 2 Thursdays ago. I never had to write to them and tell them I was no longer interested in their position.

At first, I was in a bit of a panic because my social security payments were going to be too high. I've since been able to find a cheaper health insurance and someone from church is going to help me to find out if I can pay a cheaper, income based premium for the state pension because in my opinion €508.45 per month is far too expensive. Also, I didn't have as much work as I would need to survive this month. Since the middle of last week, I now have enough work to get me the same amount of money as I would've got normally, though I have to do half the amount of work. I also have an interview lined up for the end of August for more freelance work. When I get back to Munich, I'll have more time to look into more schools to work for.

To be honest, I've been greatful for not getting this kindergarten position. I wasn't at first. I was freaking out! I even considered leaving Munich, but as it turned out, I didn't have enough money to leave and take all my stuff back with me. Also, I would be leaving to nothing. I never had a direct, voice from heaven sign that God wanted me to stay in Munich, but it just seemed to make sense. I mean, this is the first time in a long time that I feel settled in a church. It took a long time to get to know people and I am still getting to know people, but now I have people I can call some people friends at church and I'm in the process of making more. I've also just started going to a small group. It is, however, breaking up for the summer, but still. That's really only going to be for a month and I think they will still be meeting up - albeit for more social events. Still, that'll be a good place to get to know those people. :)

Also, it's been great the amount of help and support I've gotten. This guy from church I hardly know, but he wants to help people deal with government stuff, is helping me with pension stuff. And my friend Donna put me in touch with this independent consultancy that specialises in finding reasonable health insurance.

Most of all, this experience is teaching me to trust people again. It's been so hard dealing with people since I left Glasgow at the end of 2007, but now I'm beginning to see that there are people I can trust again. I've been praying a lot about forgiveness and learning to love people again. I must say, I am beginning to see the results. I am also beginning to feel more like myself again. I suppose that makes sense since we are fully ourselves as we were meant to be only in Jesus. It feels good.

Thanks for all of your prayers. It definitely has made settling back into church and working on a relationship with God again the easiest thing about this year. Of course, it hasn't been easy, but when I was thinking about going back to church again this time last year, it just seemed so insurmountable and it hasn't been as difficult as I thought it would be. Thank you.

2010-07-14T16:55:00.002+01:00

Ok, I need some wisdom about a decision I need to make. You know the kindergarten job? It's been nearly 6 (or 7?) weeks since I gave them my documents to be approved by the government. The last time I heard from anyone was about 3 weeks ago and 2 weeks ago I emailed the kindergarten to see if they could give any idea on how long it'll take to hear anything. No reply. I called them today, though I think I may have called the wrong number... I mean, I think it was the registration number and not the kindergarten direct. Ah well...

Anyway, what I need wisdom about is whether I should just email the kindergarten and tell them that I am no longer interested in working for them. I don't know how much longer it would be prudent to wait. If I don't get a contract, I will need to organise health insurance and my pension payments so that I can legally continue to work in Germany. My current contract ends in 2 and a half weeks. Then I will start work as a freelancer on 2 August and I will need to have sorted stuff out by then...

My idea is to email the kindergarten on Friday if I haven't heard back from them. Then I will need to email my tax adviser, write a letter to my current health insurance, research private health insurance and apply to other freelance schools in Munich. The business school job fell through because they had problems with people walking out on the students since they are that bad. If that is the case, I'm glad they are looking for a solution internally.

Please pray for me. I don't know what I should do.

Old sermon

2010-07-03T10:48:00.004+01:00

I found this in my Bible when I was reading through it. Just flicking through the pages to remind me that I have not been given a spirit of fear and fear does not come from God. All in the context of obedience though.

As much as I am getting to know people at my new church, my past experience of Christians from both church and CU have really hurt me and I only realised a couple of days ago that, though the anger and bitterness are gone and God has helped me to forgive them, I am still hurt. I was thinking about this because of the church picnic that is happening today and how it is fear that is preventing me from going. Fear of opening up and letting these people into my life and having them hurt me as what happened before. But I have to remember that:

1. I am part of a body and so I can't function on my own. I need the other parts of the body with me to work as I'm meant to.

2. God has commanded us - me - to love my neighbour as I love myself. Not only those who are nice to me and don't hurt me and love me as much as I love them. There were no other conditions. Just love because He loves us.

(John 13:34-35 "A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.")

The third point is obedience regardless of what the end result is. And this is what the notes from this old sermon talks about and what I really wanted to share with you. The context is Acts 8:26-40, the story of Philip and the Ethiopian. I am just going let you read it yourself and type up the sermon. Sorry this is going to be a long post.

Without further ado:

- Philip started evangelising in Samaria in the North and told then to go down to where the Gaza strip is now.

- He went in obedience despite the fact he didn't know all the details.

1. A radical obeying

- He had been successful in evangelism in Samaria, but when he got God's instruction, he just left!

- The Angel didn't elaborate, but it was enough for him to leave.

- God's guidance doesn't always come this way, but we should obey this way in every area of our lives.

2. A providential meeting

- He met the Ethiopian - who quite possibly was the start of the Coptic Church.

- Providence - the way God works to bring things together in His will and in His timing.

- Here Philip understand that he is to explain to the Ethiopian about Jesus.

- This shows the significance of our obedience to God.

- God brings things together that will lead us to more of Jesus.

- Jer 29:13-14a

3. A biblical explaining

- Philip used the scriptures to tell the Ethiopian about Jesus.

- The Ethiopian was obviously already seeking God and that's why he was searching the scriptures.

- Philip's obedience meant that the Ethiopian could be saved.

4. A total committing

- As a result of Philip's obedience, the Ethiopian became a Christian.

- Because he trusted in God and obeyed, someone was saved.

- He didn't know that was going to happen when he was told to leave Samaria.

- He trusted that God would work it out and carry out His will.

- He didn't need to know the end result - he just trusted that whatever God had in mind was good.

- It was enough that God asked him to go - he just did it - obeyed without question.

I hope God has blessed you as He blessed me through it. Amen.

Relying on God's strength

2010-06-26T22:19:00.002+01:00

Does anyone know what this means? Really? Can someone give me an example on how it's worked in their life? I mean in everyday life, not in times when nothing is within your control. I know all about that. I could rely on God when I had cancer, but here, now, when yes I do have difficulties, it's so difficult to know how that applies. Having cancer forced me into trusting and relying completely on God, but I realised today that I'm trying so hard to do all I have to do myself as if it all relies on me. Like my family and friends coming to know God and me dealing with the things I struggle with. It's so difficult to remember that it all comes from God and we are not the responsible party. We're only tools. Of course, I don't mean that we are not important to God. Of course we are! He sent His son to die for us. But in things like the salvation of others, we are only tools. God does everything else. And it's like I said about sharing the gospel with a friend of mine, then as in all other times, if our words make any impact at all, it is the Spirit working through us - so it all always comes down to God.

I am so sick of worrying about how to be holy and getting there immediately. In this world where everything is instant and you can have what you want when you want it, it is hard to take in that holiness in us is a work in progress that'll take our whole lives. Plus, when I see a problem, I just want to fix it immediately. But I can't. I'm a work in progress. God needs time to work in me and I need time to feel the benefits of all the things that I'm learning and what He's doing in me. But it's so disheartening to know that really once one thing is 'fixed', there'll be a hundred other issues.

And here is the oldest of my issues - trusting God about my spouse. Trusting Him regardless of there being one or not. Trusting that God will work in me to be the wife I am supposed to be. And trusting Him to be my comfort when there is no spouse for me. My mum is praying for my spouse. When she was challenged to pray for mine and brother's future spouses, she felt God told her, "A Hannah for James and a Joseph for Steph". Hannah and Joseph refer to the characters in the Bible, not literally named Hannah and Joseph. :) Ah well... My brother has found a really lovely wife. I'm proud to have her as a sister-in-law. I am just so used to being single now that I can't believe that there might be a guy for me. Who knows? I don't know why it has to be such a big issue. It just frustrates me since there are more important things to worry about.

Anyway, this was only supposed to be about how difficult it is to rely on God's strength to get through everyday things. I think I made my point. :)

Obedience

2010-06-21T19:36:00.003+01:00

This is something that's majorly on my mind at the moment. I mean not just in context of fear, but just in general because I find it so hard. As much as in my mind I know that God is worth it in the end and worth more than anything I could have on earth, I can't believe so wholeheartedly that I don't covet or am patient or, or, or...

The sermon this week at MICC was on 1 John 3:4-10. It was harsh. Particularly scary verse:

verse 6: No one who lives in him keeps on sinning. No one who continues to sin has either seen him or known him.

The pastor explained it was related to your attitude to sin. Of course we still sin, but how do we view it? Do we recognise that it hurts God or do we not care what He thinks about it? Is it something we are trying to avoid or is it something that doesn't bother us at all? You do realise that:

verse 8: He who does what is sinful is of the devil, because the devil has been sinning from the beginning.

but

The reason the Son of God appeared was to destroy the devil's work.

So this really goes back to the power of the Holy Spirit living in me. Do I really believe I have this power in me that will completely transform me? So I REALLY believe it? Am I living like there's any truth in it? At the moment, I can say for 90% of my life the answer is no. I'm also really impatient. I want God to change me now in my timing. When has God done anything according to man's timing? Never. He knows best. So in some way I have to rest in the promise of Phil 1:6:

being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

In all honesty, I'd much rather be a completed work than a work in progress. Everything feels like an upward struggle. I need to learn how to rely on God's strength...

2010-06-15T19:55:00.003+01:00

Why is it so difficult to believe in God's promises?

This is what Isaiah 41:10 and 13 says:

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

and

For I am the LORD, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.

So, God very clearly tells us we have nothing fear, but I'm finding it very difficult to believe it as I'm trying to obey what God has asked me to do. It seems it is really much easier to focus on things going around me than it is to focus on who God is and what He says.

In other news: I still haven't heard anything concrete from the Kindergarten. My contract ends in 6 weeks and I have no idea what I will do after. Well, ok, I do have some idea, but no idea how it will actually work out. I'm getting a tax adviser to sort out my taxes and to get me a tax number. I just hope I can actually meet him soon! Every time I've made an appointment with him, I've been given a class!! AAAARGH! It's very hard to trust God and not be afraid...

2010-06-07T18:36:00.004+01:00

It's amazing how quickly God answers your prayers. Though this time I mean mine. I guess since the last post I've been thinking about why I don't share the gospel and who I could do it with anyway. And also wrestling inside because it's not that my faith in God is very strong or my relationship with God is really consistent. But last night I did it for the first time - maybe even the first time ever. It was really unexpected. But I've been praying about Jer 20:9* - that it would be true for me.

There is no formula or "right" way to tell someone about Jesus. That's what I've heard. We are all made as we are to demonstrate God's love as we experience it being who we are. But I never thought someone floundering in her faith could. But I suppose it's not like I'm not experience God working in me. It's not like I haven't been learning anything from Him....

I guess I always sub-consciously thought that people who could share had a solid relationship with God. But now I think maybe it's because if that were the case, the glory wouldn't be His. Because now I know that if my words made any impact at all, it was because of Him working in her and me.

Different but related thought: Since I've been studying the Bible more regularly and listening to sermons, I feel like I'm alive again and breathing. My soul feels alive because it's been fed and hopefully will continue to be fed. And that's why I've felt a conviction about not sharing my faith because I think it should be more important than anything else in my life - both sharing and my faith. Another 2 verses that challenge me are Deut 6:4-7+ and Psalm 73:25§. I want to be filled to overflowing so that it is all I want to talk about.

*Jer 20:9 - "But if I say, "I will not mention him or speak any more in his name," his word is in my heart like a fire, a fire shut up in my bones. I am weary of holding it in; indeed, I cannot."

+Deut 6:4-7 - "Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one. Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up."

§Psalm 73:25 - "Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you."

The Holy Spirit

2010-06-01T10:51:00.003+01:00

Recently I downloaded a discipleship bible study from the Navigators UK website. I was actually looking for a Nav bible study on 1 John, as that's what we're looking at in church, but I couldn't find anything. Anyway, I found this study. It's called "Learning to Live" and there are 6 books. I haven't printed out all of them. I just looked through the contents of each and decided what I wanted to learn because each book is about 60 pages long and I was using the printer at work. I've been slowly working through book 2, where the topics are things like "Living by the Spirit" and "Living by God's truth". It's been amazing and really challenging!

What I wanted to write about is the Holy Spirit study. That was a real eye-opener. It took me through all passages that deal with the Holy Spirit and of course at the end of each study, it has a self-reflection/application section that asks you think about how you can apply what you've learned to your life. I was really challenged by the fact that the same Spirit that shut the lions' mouths when Daniel was in the lions' den is the same Spirit that lives in me. I have access to that power and I have done nothing about it.

Another thing that challenged me is a sermon I listened to online. The preacher was talking about the New Testament meaning of fellowship. In the New Testament, the disciples would meet together for fellowship because they really needed it. They'd been out evangelising and making disciples and they had been beaten or spat at or stoned - whatever, so they needed to meet together so they could bandage each others' wounds and pray and build each other up again so that they had the strength to go back out and do it all again. Today fellowship is hanging out after church and having a laugh. We don't seem - not the majority anyway - to seek a way to build each other up and equip ourselves to be able to go and make disciples of all nations...

These two things have really been on my mind since I heard and studied them. We have this amazing power in our lives, but we don't use it to it's full potential. And we don't take advantage of the time we have together to strengthen each other to do God's work. Why? I know I haven't because it really never occurred to me until I came across these two teachings and also my faith has been almost non-existent. But now, I'm not sure what to do with this knowledge as I don't know where I can start. I have been praying for God to help me to love Him so that I can love and serve His people and now this! It feels like too much to take in. And it's scary.

I feel like for the past few weeks I have been yearning for a deeper fellowship and now I know what the New Testament definition of fellowship is, I just want to have that so that I can be equipped to go out and do the task God has for me. But that kind of fellowship is seriously lacking at my church. After the sermon, we rarely even talk about it. We just make jokes and talk to each other about the last week and the week ahead. So I've been praying for it. I can't be the only one who desires a bit more depth in my relationships with people at church. It seems to be lacking for the women. The men have a really good programme for them. I hope the women will too. And I mean more than just meeting together and eating a lot of junk food and talking about how hard it is to be a single woman. I need more.

I guess this has all been a bit "stream of consciousness". I just miss the deeper friendships I used to have where I could talk about these sorts of things.

Vodafone - service restored!

2010-05-27T20:06:00.002+01:00

Hey, just a quick post. My internet and phone line has been restored. It's been amazing having high-speed internet and I called my brother from the landline last night. It's really great. Thanks again for all your prayers.

Also, tomorrow I'm going to the Kindergarten to drop off my documents so the whole process with the government can finally start. And while you're praying, please also pray for the tax situation coming up - the €3000 I have to pay back.

Sorry, don't mean to be cheeky. You praying along with me is really working and I'm truly amazed. Thanks. :)

Thank you for your prayers!! (Vodafone)

2010-05-21T12:16:00.004+01:00

Ok, guys I just want to say just how grateful I am to you for praying for my Vodafone situation because it has paid off big time! I got a phone call from them today saying that they received the letter I sent to the board member and they really want to find a solution that is good for me. I explained that, although they said that now I no longer had to pay anything, I had already paid the €250 from the reduced amount, but they said that they were going to put that money into an account for my internet, so basically I don't have to pay my regular bill for the next few months - until the €250 is used up. AND they are going to make sure that the technician comes on Tuesday and will call me on Tuesday afternoon or Wednesday morning to make sure that everything is as it should be. That is better than I ever expected!

So thank you. Your prayers have totally paid off! I'm very grateful to you all. :)

2010-05-20T13:02:00.004+01:00

So... My documents have finally arrived! Just have to wait for my reference from my year out and all that stuff can be underway. So very soon, I hope that I can be telling you that I have the Kindergarten job.

And as for Vodafone: I paid the €250 bill last week, but I still got a reminder sent to me saying that I haven't paid it. BUT it turns out I paid it into the wrong account. Hopefully, since I have the proof on my bank statement, the money can just be transferred from the wrong account. Will need to sort that out this week. And, the technician is apparently going to come out to fix my phone line on Tuesday. We'll see. But I'm praying this drama will finally end then. Once the bill is sorted and the line is fixed, there'll be nothing more to do with Vodafone.

As for the relationship with God situation: Thank you so much for continuing to pray for me. I have started to do my own Bible study again and praying. Found some stuff on the Navigators website on learning how to live as a Christian. It's been really tough going, but really good as it takes a look at individual aspect of life as a Christian. Really useful for where I'm at now. I've also enjoyed the intellectual exercise, but I hope that it isn't just that. I'd like to have a serious relationship with God again.

Well, that's all really. I just wanted to let you know so you know what to pray for. Thanks again. :)

Update on Vodafone and other thoughts...

2010-05-07T21:56:00.002+01:00

I just wanted to let you know that I finally got my Vodafone bill and it has been reduced, so it's now €250. They did tell me that I could pay in installments, but that was over 6 weeks ago and frankly I don't believe them, so I managed to get an advance of €250 from my company to pay it off. I still have no service in my flat though, so... Well, I have the other internet connection I signed up for, but that was meant to be temporary! Haha! So far they haven't overcharged me, so I'm grateful. :)

My other thoughts refer really to just one question: why can't you tell people what you really think?

One of my friends always seems to put me last. She always says she's got no money to visit me, but then always manages to find some money to see other people in other countries. Why would it be rude and insensitive of me to say that it hurts that we're supposedly good friends, but I'm always last on her list of priorities?

The other person is a really good friend of mine who is male and has very recently got married. I miss how close we used to be and since he's been with his now wife, we've spoken less and less and of course that is only to be expected, but I miss my friend. And now if I get to see him, I'll never get to spend time with just him. His wife is lovely and I'm happy he's found someone so suited to him, but he was one of my best friends and I miss him. But for me, as a single woman to a married a man, it would be inappropriate for me to say so, right? It makes me sad because if he had been a close female friend, it wouldn't have been an issue.

I also miss Uni, where you could be friends with the opposite sex and nothing would be made of it. As you approach 30, it seems less and less likely that you can form close friendships with men. Sure, for most of my early 20s, all I wanted was to find a husband, but I've long since accepted my singleness, but I find this lack of male company at all ridiculous. I've always related better to men than to women. For some reason, I just find them difficult to get on with. Of course I currently have female friends, but I miss male senses of humour and the topics you tend to only discuss with them. It's just been strange the last few years out of church because it means it's so difficult to befriend men. But even in the church now, if I showed an interest in spending more time with a guy, it would almost certainly be taken the wrong way. Mind you, maybe I was naive before? Maybe it was always the case, but I just wasn't aware of it? Who knows?

Anyway, I had no one else to share these thoughts with, so I thought, why not here? :D

Update on Kindergarten job

2010-04-28T18:12:00.004+01:00

I bet you're shocked cos it's not been too long since my last post!! But I just wanted to let you know that I think your prayers are working... I asked you to pray that if it's God's will for me to work at the Kindergarten, doors would open, right? (Maybe I should read my last post before I type a new one...) Well, I've been offered the job at the Kindergarten, but only on the condition that the German government approves my qualifications and experience. I think - and this is only my opinion - with my experience, I should be ok. But, I don't know... It is only for the position of a Kindergarten assistant, so I don't know why the German government would be so fussy. Still... You never know. As much as I have learned to love the Germans, they are Germans.

Anyway, the Kindergarten have been very open about wanting to hire me and have openly shown their support. I already have a few character references. I just need to get a reference from the Baptist Union about the youth work I did for them 10 years ago (eek!) and that end will be covered. Also, I've sent away for copies of my transcripts and once they arrive, I'll have to get them notarised. Then all that stuff will go to the government and we'll see...

If/when I do get the job, I'll start the week after my current contract ends. And they've already told me that they are offering me training and they'll pay for it. Though I think I should clarify whether that means my pay will be deducted or not... Still, why not, right? It means I won't have to go through this hassle again in the future. :)

Thank you so much for your prayers. If I'm honest, I didn't expect an 'answer' so quickly. After all the hassle of the start of the year, I hope this is the start of things getting better.

(N.B: If you're wondering why your posts don't appear immediately, it's because I've changed my settings. I was getting spammed so much I now have to moderate all comments. So you don't have to type more than once. :) )

2010-04-21T16:02:00.003+01:00

Time is passing really quickly! I can hardly believe that it's almost the end of April already! But I'm happy because it means pay-day is soon. :D

I thought I should give you all a wee update since some of you might be praying for me and might want to know what's been happening. I'll start with the Kindergarten situation: I went for an interview at the beginning of March and 2 weeks ago I had an observation. They told me - as I expected - that they couldn't give me a full-time position because I didn't have an Early Childhood Studies certificate, but that I fulfilled all the requirements for a part-time position. Unfortunately, Laura is only one of the teachers and so the final decision is not up to her, though she does seem very keen to hire me. As yet, I have still to hear anything, so I'm getting a little anxious. Although I'm not entirely happy with the set-up there, having a part-time job there will take care of my social security and will give me a guaranteed income every month, which I can supplement with freelance teaching. Also, the hours mean I no longer have ridiculously early starts and it's not very far away from my flat at all - only 20 mins by public transport. All of these make it ideal, so I guess I feel like maybe I won't get it cos it'd be too perfect... But still, I'd like to know either way sooner rather than later as I need to organise work so I can afford to live! :D

The second issue is the Vodafone situation. As yet, it still isn't resolved. I haven't had one answer from any of the FIVE letters I've sent them. Today I sent off a letter to the board member that is responsible for Central Europe. Maybe I'll have some response from him...? The technician was supposed to come today - this is the third appointment in 3 weeks, and didn't, so I still don't have a service. The bill of €800 has been reduced to €240 and I'll have to pay it next month. I'm really not happy about having to pay anything at all to Vodafone. Especially since the internet hasn't been working since December!! (The internet I'm using at the moment is from another provider and it's temporary.) They keep expecting me to pay my monthly rates, though I haven't got anything to pay for. That's hard. I still don't know what God's doing in this situation. But I'm grateful for the friends who have helped and are still helping me. :)

The third thing is church. I have been blessed by the online sermons of Cornerstone Community Church in Simi Valley, CA. I've also started going back to church regularly and since a friend of mine - Emma - used to go there before she left Munich, I already know a lot of people and have made some friends. I wanted to be part of a Bible study, but the early mornings I have mean I'm really tired, but it's only another month before those classes stop, so I could go regularly then. Currently the church is going through 1 John - slowly and in a lot of detail, which is great because it's helpful for me as I try to find a way back to having a relationship with God. The last sermon really challenged me as it was on 1 John 2:7-11. The most challenging parts were verses 9-11. I don't love anyone anymore and it's been a long time since I've realised that that's due to a lack of God's love in me. I am aware though that now I love my family a lot more than I did a few years ago when I was involved with church. Haha! I don't mean anything by that, just that I'm grateful that - it must be God! - that He's started to renew love in me with my family. I never loved them like I do now. I actually miss all of them. Never did before. There are also a few people that I can say I strongly dislike - maybe hate. And that is a sin that I need to repent of and I've already started praying about.

The final issue is tax. I knew I had to pay back the tax I haven't paid for the 2 years I've lived here. I was led to believe that was perfectly legal, but it turns out that it isn't. I already know that I had to pay back €3000, but thought I could do that in installments - it turns out it'll have to be a lump sum, which means I might have to take out a loan. Now, if I don't have any sort of fixed income - i.e. a part-time Kindergarten job - then, it'll be really difficult to get one with a reasonable interest rate. I know it would be easier then just to leave and maybe rent from one of my friends in Glasgow and temp until I find another job, but I feel like God wants me here. Not that He's told me or anything. Just that I have finally come back to "life" and have a church and have some good Christian people that are slowly becoming friends and I find it hard to believe it's just a coincidence and that I should go somewhere else. I don't know. Maybe you can pray that doors would close if I have to leave and doors would open if I am meant to stay...?

Anyway, this has been a much longer post than I intended, but I guess if you don't write for 6 weeks, that's what happens. :) Thanks to those of you are praying for me and have been all this time. I appreciate it all the more now since I'm back in my Father's house. :)

Kindergarten?

2010-03-13T19:25:00.002Z

Work is going to be particularly tough in the next few weeks. I guess I had it coming. My timetable has been pretty easy for the last couple of months. But hey, it makes not being a contract teacher very attractive.

I had an interview on Wed 3 March for a post as a Kindergarten teacher. They seemed to like me, but I suggested they observed me with the kids and make their decision then. All being well, the observation will take place on Fri 9 April. If it's successful, it will almost definitely lead to a part-time position. It might lead to a full-time position...

If I get the part-time post, I can freelance and make some extra money by continuing in what I'm doing with the Business English. This is what I'd prefer, in a way. I'd like to keep my finger in both pies if possible. :) Of course, the full time post will offer more security, but part-time is security enough. At least all my social security stuff will be taken care of.

Anyway, pray for that, if you could. Part-time or full-time is up to God, not me or the kindergarten. It feels like the right decision to work there in one of those 2 positions. We'll see. I think the observation will go well. I like little kids and usually they like me... :D Friday 9 April - all being well. And then I'll know.

2010-03-13T19:25:00.001Z

The date is 4 March. I'm writing this while I have no internet with the hope that in a couple of weeks my big problem with Vodafone will have been sorted out and I have the internet in my flat again. Otherwise, I'll post it from one of my friends' flats - if I can connect to their internet wirelessly...

Tonight I watched the movie "Seven Pounds". I don't know if you've ever watched it and I don't know if I would recommend it. It's like "Schindler's List" in a way; you should watch it at least once in your life and it will change you. If you do ever watch it, then I dare you not to be challenged by it.

For the last 3 or 4 years, I have been a different Steph. Gradually I have become more and more selfish. When I was at university, I would buy food for homeless people. I would give money to the Petersens and help out wherever I could. I was a servant to many people. I wasn't always, of course. It's not like I was perfect! But I was a whole load less selfish than I am now.

I always thought that other than changes to my lifestyle, not living like a Christian hadn't changed me at all. I had noticed that I seemed to care less about people, but that helped a lot because I thought it meant I would be hurt less. I mean, as far as I see it, I was used by the people I cared about most and now where are they? I wrote to one family I loved to apologise and to try and build bridges, but it's been over a year and I have heard nothing from them. And I have used it as an excuse not to care. I see now that not having Jesus inside of me has changed me a lot. I did care as much as I was able. Doing it in my own strength is not possible.

Recently, I started going back to church regularly. I have no idea why now of all times, but it's happening. I will even start going to the Bible study, though not very regularly since I have a really early start on Thursdays now. I would like to gp back to that part of who I was. The part of me that was judgmental and self-righteous can stay away. I have no interest in that person anymore.

The guy in the movie was making amends for 7 lives he took - in a car accident. That's how I saw it. His 'selfless' acts were motivated by guilt. I would like to not be motivated by guilt, but I would like to serve again and to care and to really love. Now I really understand why my mum was so sad that I was so different from before.

2010-01-03T23:46:00.002Z

Man, why do holidays pass so quickly? Even if you're doing nothing!! I only have 3 days left here. Tomorrow I have to sort through the things that my mother left when she went back to Malaysia. The prospect is a little daunting. I'm sure I can get rid of some stuff and I can take some stuff back to Munich with me, but inevitably, because of luggage allowance, I'm going to have to leave some of it here. I feel bad about that because it's already an inconvenience to my brother and his girlfriend... But what can I do. I can only take what I can take... EEK!!

Anyway, I'm starting to get a bit worried about the coming year. Financially, I'll be fine till July, but what am I going to do after?!!? I'm really hoping to be offered a permanent contract, but I know that that'll be a big battle with the CEO, who's got a reputation for being tight with money. I know that if it were up to my DOS and manager, I would have one no problem. That's a horrible thing to know because the chances of me getting a contract are slim. And so I have the option of being a freelancer. Which is ok. I have a couple of friends who have done that and it's working out for them, but it's not a fixed income every month. And I'll have to pay back €3,000 worth of tax. That's the drawback of getting to live in a country tax free for 2 years... Poo! But there's nothing I can do about it for now. I just have to wait and see how it'll all work out. Shame, because I don't want to have to leave Munich. And the worse thing is, I have nowhere to go if it doesn't work out as my mum doesn't live here anymore. :(

Well, worrying certainly isn't going to bring any good. I just have to hope for the best. For those of you who still pray for me, I'll really appreciate it if you pray for this. Thanks!

2009-12-27T18:23:00.002Z

Christmas was lovely and chilled out this year. It was lovely! It was just my brother, his girlfriend and me. We slept in and then my brother and Alana made a nice fry up. Then we burned it all off playing the Wii when the dinner was cooking. :)

Alana is an amazing cook and she puts me to shame as a woman. She really takes care of the flat and my brother and it's so nice to see how besotted they are with each other. And not in the soppy, make you want to puke way. Just real life together. They've argued a couple of times, but it's cos they are so similar to each other. It's nice to see. :)

I also like that I feel so at home and welcome here. It's really nice to get on well with my brother and start to have a normal relationship with him and spend so much time with him - especially after all those years when it was so difficult. Nice to know that despite the fact my mum has moved, I still have a home in Glasgow and I don't have to go anywhere to 'escape'.

2009-12-24T14:49:00.002Z

Ok, every time I write, I say, "Can't believe how long since I last wrote!"

But really, it has been a LOOOOOOOOOONG time. Mostly it's because I've hardly had any time to think and also because it's so hard to motivate myself to write anything when I do have time. There's been a lot to process and take in this year. Well, not more than any other year I suppose, but most of the time, I've not had a life and a busy timetable that takes me all over Munich.

So, how's it all going in Munich? I can say that for the most part, I love it. Munich is a beautiful city and though most people who are from Munich are snobby, the Bavarians are lovely, funny, friendly people - not unlike the Scots! I love Lederhosen and Dirndls and I even got a Dirndl for this year's Oktoberfest.

My job had a low point in August when I got some really bad feedback and nearly lost my job. It was a very scary experience, but my boss and manager had a lot of faith in me and actually found the feedback strange. And so they devised a training programme for me and fortunately, I have come through a much stronger teacher than before. I definitely find it rewarding and at the moment, I'm just enjoying some rest since I think I deserve it! In any case, I think teaching is definitely the job for me and in a few years, I hope to be teaching at a University, though I'm not sure if it'll be in Germany... We'll see where my future takes me. :)

I still think I'd like to go Japan some time, though I don't think I'll ever live and work there - at least not for a whole year. Maybe after I am qualified to teach at a University... Who knows what's in store?

Anyway, I expect I'll be writing again soon since this time of year always makes me philosophical. :)

2009-05-11T13:45:00.002+01:00

So... I haven't written in 5 months!!! Woah! Not sure if anyone even reads this anymore, but just in case... :D

My life has TOTALLY changed over the last few months. Really great! I actually have one now and with the sun shining and it being warm, being happy is not at all difficult. Life's not all work and no play. There's work and there's play. If I'm honest, I only have one real friend here, but there are other people who are becoming more than acquaintances and loads of fun people to hang out with, but my uni experience has taught me that that these people aren't long term friends. Still, nice to have them around for the time being. :)

I've started going to church again - one full of Americans, would you believe it?! Guess I haven't learned that lesson... :D Well, what I like about this pastor is the fact that he's one of us. He doesn't come across as proud or superior to us. He doesn't patronise. He stresses both God's grace and God's hatred of the sin in us. He doesn't make me feel guilty or inadequate constantly. He reminds us all that Jesus is sufficient to overcome all our sin and weaknesses. He doesn't force us to conform to his idea of what a Christian is. It's all between us and God and he merely points us to God and reminds us of who He is and what He's said to us through the Bible. I don't feel like I'm being groomed or programmed to think like the majority. Though he is challenging and thought-provoking - I just don't feel judged.

I even hung out with some Christians after church a couple of weeks ago, but I've got a long way to go yet before I let any of them into my life... Shame... But the big thing is that being around Christians in big numbers no longer makes me feel scared and uncomfortable as hell and having some teaching to think about is really good.

I tried to mend some relationships with some people I knew at Calvary. I started with the Petersens. I thought if it worked out, I would try with the McGoldricks and the Keys as well. And then maybe some people from CU. But it's now been 3 months and I haven't heard back from the Petersens, so I guess four years of my life and love were just wasted. That hurts, but I am slowly getting over it. It was a hard lesson to learn. You're always taught that it's the non-Christians who'll take advantage of you and only take and not give, but honestly, from my experience, the Christians are the ones who are guilty of this. The very people who are supposed to love, care for and help you in your Christian life, do not. Non-Christians are actually more loyal friends in the end. Not all of them, of course and not all Christians are users either... Just the ones I chose to care about at church and some from CU.

Harsh? Well, I have to be. I loved these people dearly and I served them wholeheartedly and they're treatment of me led me to doubt my relationship with God, doubt the trustworthiness of God and doubt the necessity of being a Christian. After my experience of Calvary and CU, I really thought, 'Well, if this is what a Christian is, I don't want to be one'. What I have to be grateful for is the Christians in my life who were genuine, who really cared about me, who accepted me where I was, who prayed and are still praying for me to find my way back to God, who never tried to groom me into what their idea of a Christian is and who never let me feel judged or inadequate. To these people, I am grateful because if I hadn't had these people in my life, I probably would have just walked away from God and Christianity forever.

I guess this is the first time I've spoken about it this way. I feel I can talk to God now because I have stopped being so angry and hurt. God will deal with my attitude and these people in time. He knows why it all happened and what I have to work through to leave it all behind me and to move forward into a renewed relationship with Him. I am still a long way from committing to Him 100% unfortunately. I'm still wary, but slowly I'm taking steps in the right direction. He hasn't forgotten about me. :)

So, that's where I'm at.

Berlin!

2009-01-07T21:04:00.001Z

So, finally, after years of waiting around, I've started travelling. You could argue that I started that last year with Prague, Regensburg, Banska Bystrica and the Tatras, but it feels real this time. Mainly because it's comfortable and money isn't a struggle. The only disappointment is the lack of banter in the hostels. The last couple of times I've stayed in hostels, there've always been people up for doing things at night, but not here. I don't know if it's because it's been so cold or because of the type of people around. I have a feeling it's a bit of both. Ah well... It doesn't matter anyway cos I'll be with Sandra in Cologne and I'll finally have some banter. :)

Ok, so, I wanted to tell you about Berlin. It was amazing! First of all, it's HUGE!! And it feels it. Though Munich's pretty big, it doesn't feel like it at all. In Berlin, EVERYTHING is big and the train stations are so complicated! Just ordinary stops are difficult to get around and you should see the main station! It's on like FOUR or FIVE FLOORS!! I've never seen anything like it! It's a super MEGA city! I mean I've been to Budapest and Vienna, which are pretty big and even Hamburg is BIG, but the main stations are NOTHING like in Berlin. It was like a whole other world in itself.

Other than being big though, it was actually very beautiful. I had no real idea what to expect, but it wasn't what I expected at all. My student, Alex, said that Berlin was dirty and unsafe and not all that nice, but I think he was being typically Bavarian - they don't like the north much. :) I obviously didn't get to see all of it and what I did see on the walking tour concentrated mainly on the historical sights. That was enough I suppose. I did want to see more, but it was too cold and it got dark really quickly, so there were a couple of things I wanted to do that I didn't get an opportunity to do. Anyway, yeah, compared to Munich, it was a little dirty and not as pretty, but it was pretty safe. Other than a strange man on the underground who was chatting me up and a drunk, homeless man saying that since it was a beautiful day, I shouldn't be a Christian because he didn't want me to die - yeah, I had trouble understanding that too - I had no problems.

Unlike Munich though, where buildings aren't that high because of the law saying that no building can be higher than a church spire - there are a couple of exceptions - there are plenty of tall, TALL buildings and most of them are only 18 years old - especially in the east. I think the Germans have done a fantastic job of rebuilding the bombed buildings over the last few decades and almost all of it looks pretty much like it did in the past. Of course new shops and places like McDonalds and KFC kinda bring you back to the present, but you can almost imagine what it was like. The most amazing thing was being at the sights as the guide repeated German, particularly Berlin's, history.

The most surprising thing though was the Berlin wall. I guess I was expecting something similar to the wall separating Israel and Palestine. That one is HUGE and very, very oppressive. But the Berlin wall is actually not that high at all and not very oppressive. I think it was more the death strip with guard towers and orders to shoot on sight on the east side that was the oppressive and scary part.

I was really moved when I was in Berlin by Germany's history. What I think is really tragic is the big scar that the Nazis have left on Germany and I don't think it's one that will ever heal. The Germans obviously don't want it to heal because they want to be reminded never to let something like that happen again. But I think they also want this to be a reminder for the whole world. Still though, because of this scar that will forever be present, no one German can ever really say that they are proud to be German, which I think is really sad. If Berlin is anything to go by, Germany has a lot to be proud of. In 18 years, it has re-developed and become one of the most happening, dynamic cities in Europe and it doesn't even look like 90% of it was destroyed in WWII! That's impressive. Also, there is this great feeling of optimism where there's been such oppression in the past. I wish more people could see it and realise that there is more to Germany and the Germans than just their Nazi past.

Other than the walking tour, I also went to the film museum, which was really interesting. Of course, a large part of it was dedicated to Marlene Dietrich, which is understandable. I was surprised there was no mention of Nosferatu though. I thought that was German... But anyway, it was interesting to see how the Nazis also affected film and how terrible it was for actors and actresses who were Jewish or married to Jews. It was so sad to hear how they suffered and how almost all of them who weren't fortunate enough to make it to Hollywood died in all those concentration camps. It's hard to imagine that in this day and age when the rich and famous seem to be exempt from everything. I also tried to go to the Pergamon museum, which is pretty famous, but the que was so long and it was getting very cold by that point that I didn't wait. It'll have to wait to another time I guess. :)

Needless to say, it's made me fall in love with Germany that bit more. :) I've never been happier about my decision at 11 to learn German instead of French. Now I know plenty of French speakers feel that way about France - I won't hold that against them. ;-) As much as I'd love to go to Japan, right now, the thought of leaving Germany is completely incomprehensible. I'm glad I signed a 2-year contract. :D Now get off your backside and come see for yourself!!

2008-12-30T17:30:00.002Z

I think I finally understand why couples are so introverted and once they've found each other seem to only need each other or be in danger of imploding if they are away from each other for any length of time. It's what we all crave and desire more than anything - someone to love us for all that we are and to need us; also someone to trust and depend on. If I'm honest, that's exactly what I want. More than anything, I want someone to value me and to take care of me. I'm beginning to wonder f other than my mum, there is ever going to be anyone. I love my mum more than I can begin to describe, but I think you know that the kind o thing I really, really want is more than a mother's love. My friends have all moved on and in a day, I'm going to be spending time with a bunch of my friends who have mostly all found their other halves. Where's mine? Am I not good enough to have one? Is it ever going to be my turn?!

Man, I'm so stupid to have thought that Paul could be anything like that. He was so sweet and romantic. How was I to know that it'd all be over as soon as it began? And now he won't even talk to me and why? That, thankfully, is not just something I can't understand, but other folk can't either, so I don't feel entirely stupid. He was so helpful when I was looking for a flat and now nothing. Not even a response to a merry Christmas message, which is downright rude to be honest. It's not like I was bugging him and annoying him. I gave him space and well, now he clearly doesn't even have any desire to even be civil. That hurts a lot. The first guy to have been so lovely and to have taken an interest in me and it lasted about as long as a deep breath. Kinda made me feel like there's no hope.

Ok, so I guess that's not entirely true. Just have to wait and see. I'm just beginning to live the life I've wanted to for so long. It's only a matter of time, right? :S

Out of sight is out of mind

2008-12-29T09:35:00.002Z

This holiday has really shown me how true this statement is. When I lived in Glasgow, especially when I was at uni, I had soooooo many friends. I've been back in Glasgow for 2 and a half weeks and the only person who's made an effort to see me is Katherine. Fair enough, most of my friends have left Glasgow now and some of them weren't around because of the time of year, but if I'm honest, other than Pete, Rosie, Kirsty and Katherine, who have I got now in Glasgow? Who have I got anywhere, really? What happened to all my friends?

I know I left the country, but with Facebook, Skype, email, etc. I'm sure I could be contacted, but even people from church that I invested a lot of my heart into haven't even asked how I am or how I'm getting on or anything. It's kinda sad because I thought at the time that I was investing in life long friendships. I see now just how rare they are and how right Kirsty was. I've been so naive!

I just hope that I don't lose any more friends because I'm running low as it is! :(

Christmas 2008

2008-12-16T13:26:00.002Z

When I think about this time last year, it's hard to remember what I was thinking or feeling. All I remember is that I was so happy and relieved that Ruth had finally left. I'd had a really good class that I loved and I'd made a Slovak friend - Eva. As far as teaching and making friends at work went, the situation wasn't as good as it is now with Munich. I'd finally gotten used to the teaching and I was better and more confident than when I started, but I didn't feel as settled and happy as I do now in my job, but I liked it all the same because I knew that it could only get better after Ruth - and it did. And I also remember how strange it felt being home last year and how I felt much more at home in Bratislava. That is all so weird to me now because now, a year later, as much as I love Munich and my job and flat, home feels like home again. But it did again once I came back from Bratislava, so that makes sense. :)

So much has happened this year already. So many unexpected, lovely and horrible things. In this year, I've been to 4 countries already - Slovakia, Czech Republic, Germany and Austria. Also, I was in England for a month, but that I guess doesn't really count... Or maybe it does... I don't know. I've also had 3 jobs. Thinking about all that has happened since this time last year makes me feel overwhelmed! I'm now relieved that I'm staying on in Munich for 2 years and this time next year, I can only feel more settled in my job, but also, I'll feel more settled in Munich as a whole and I'll feel like I actually live there. It was easier in Bratislava because it's so small, but Munich is HUGE - it doesn't feel like it, but it is! It's lovely though and I'm glad I moved there.

I've met some really nice people and a couple of realistic Christians and that's helped me in the past few weeks. People who really understand what I went through with CU and my church and who I don't feel have judged me and have made me feel that I can go back and fit in again. That's been great. I still don't feel ready to go back to church full time, but I know now that I'm moving in that direction and I feel good about it.

Generally, over the last couple of years, I've started to feel happier about myself. I've always had self-esteem issues, but somehow, the church made it worse. I'm happy with the way I look now and it's such a relief not having to feel guilty about everything and not having to analyse every motive before deciding to do something. I'm happy with who I am as a whole, which is something I was never able to feel as a Christian. It's a relief! But now I feel ready to accept that I still need God, but maybe I just don't Christians in the same way as I did before. And that's a healthier place to be, I think. I've stopped being bitter and angry, so I've moved forward and the only way I think I can go is back to God, who accepts me for exactly all that I am in a way I know from experience a lot of Christians haven't done and aren't able to do. But it makes me love Jesus all the more because He knows exactly how terrible I am and loves me anyway. It's been good to find out that my closest friends are like that and to find 2 more in Munich.

So, next year, there's a lot of good to look forward to. And a lot more lovely, unexpected and horrible things too. I just hope that these last couple of weeks of this year will see me being able to move on from the hurts of this last year so I can look forward to what's coming in the next one. I know now things - in general - can only get better. So here's to that! Bring on the new year! :D

2008-12-05T15:14:00.002Z

I'm soooo tired!! I actually have a class to teach at 5pm, but it's a Friday!! Who wants to do anything at 5pm on a Friday but go home?! I'm hoping that she will either cancel a lot or will change her time. Goodness! I've been given the responsibility of replenishing some materials, so I was doing that today, which was fine up to apoint and now I've just been planning for my lessons on Monday and I feel completely braindead and definitely in no mood to teach for an hour and a half. :( Ah well... I really hope she moves it to an earlier time - even 4pm on a Friday would be better...

Anyway, nothing new really except that facebook is refusing to work on our work computers for some reason and it has been for a week! But at least I have the internet at home too.

I just can't wait to get home to be able to rest. Tomorrow my wardrobe's arriving so I can finally unpack. It'll be good to feel properly settled. Man, I feel like such an old woman. :(

2008-12-01T20:01:00.002Z

I haven't written for ages because I've been really busy. There've been loads of extra classes, but the good news is that I might be getting a bonus for the extra hours I've done. Won't get it till my January pay though. :( But still...

Work's been going very well. Just had my observation feedback today and it was positive. Got a few things to work on, but my boss said I showed a lot of potential and she was impressed at my self-awareness. She said in a couple of ways, I was very good for someone who was a new teacher. I really liked my boss's feedback because it wasn't patronising and she was very straightforward, down to earth and helpful.

In other news, I love my students. German students are LOVELY and not at all like the hard-faced business people I was expecting. They have such a great sense of humour and most of them are so motivated to learn English. And I'm starting to really love Munich. It's just a shame that I've been so tired recently that I haven't been able to do more and meet more people. I have, however, got a language exchange partner and she's helping me to practise German.

I'm really glad I came here and so I guess it wasn't such a bad thing meeting Paul though it makes me sad that it never came to anything. Though if I'm really honest, I would never have thought about Munich if it hadn't been for him and also, I've got a lot more out of it than I expected. It still makes me sad thought. But time's a healer and even if it doesn't heal the pain, it gradually fades and eventually all you have is a memory and it can even make you smile.

One day.

Happiness and Expectations

2008-11-04T18:55:00.002Z

Emma says, "You have to make yourself happy. You can't rely on other people to make you happy." And although she doesn't live by this principal herself, it got me thinking - what's make me happy? Here's a list off the top of my head:

... Doing a good job and being recognised for it

... Sleeping

.... Being all cosy in my pyjamas and watching a DVD in bed

... Being hugged

... Listening to music

... Dancing in my bedroom with my music on full blast on my iPod

... Going to see a band live

... Being around people who make me laugh

... Cycling

That's all I can think of for now.... Well, I guess only four of those have to do with other people, so it's not all bad. It's just that having to be alone for any length of time makes me unhappy, so at some point I'm going to have to rely on other people to make me happy. Hmmm... I guess that's not really point that Emma was getting at anyway. I just shouldn't be unhappy because other people don't meet my expectations.

Anyway... I'm not unhappy. It's just that being locked out made me miss my friends because I realised that I had no one I could call to help. Well, I did, but the only phone numbers I know off by heart are my mum's, Jonathan's, Marji's and maybe Pete's and none of those people could be of any help anyway since they're not here. Ah well... It just made me miss them and strangely, I never thought I's ever think it, CU folk as well. Can you believe it? I miss my Christian friends from CU - even some of the ones that a couple of months ago I couldn't think about because they upset me! I guess I have moved on! Who knows? This time next year I might be going to church again? Well, one day at a time....

With regard to expectations, Emma says mine are far too high and unrealistic. She's probably right about that. Most of the time my expectations ARE unrealistic, but I've been spoiled because I have friends that meet them - not all of them, of course, because they're ridiculous (the expectations, I mean). My main expectation is to be valued and respected. I expect to be recognised for who I am and to be appreciated because I do a lot for people and I want to not be taken for granted. But as I've learned the hard way, people don't always appreciate you and they almost always take you for granted. That's sad, but I also think that because that has happened to me, I expect it too fast and so I'm disappointed.

And I think Pete's right too - I have been running away in a sense trying to find some 'happy', but what I see now is I should be. I have at least 6 people in the world who know me incredibly well and they love and appreciate me for exactly who and what I am - even though I've been ridiculously stupid at times and not been the good, old Steph. They've not judged me and left me to it even though I've gone against what they formerly thought of me. This is what should be important. It doesn't matter if the whole world doesn't notice me because the 6 most important people to me do. So now, I have to learn to be content to be here and not expect any more. I'll try...

2008-11-03T20:54:00.002Z

I miss men! When I was at uni, I had HEAPS of male friends. It was great! A whole load of different type of men as well. Constantly being around women ALL THE TIME is driving me nuts! I mean, if I wanted to spend any time outside of work with a guy, it would have to be a date. When did it change? Just because we're not at uni anymore means we can't hang out with guys? Why?!

I miss banter! I miss listening to boys going on and on about some technical rubbish that I really don't understand. I miss my boys from CU! Now I only have 2. :( And they live so far away - ok, so technically I'm the one who moved away. Then Jonathan moved to Southampton and now Pete's in Liverpool. Well, I'm in Munich anyway, so...

I don't want a boyfriend. I just want a bunch of guys to hang out with. It's different than hanging out with girls. I kinda feel like I'm sick and tired of it. I need some men! Any suggestions of how can I have some banter with boys without them thinking I want them to be my boyfriend?! :(

2008-10-25T20:54:00.002+01:00

So I finally got a bike today. I still find it difficult to start and stop. Especially when I have to wait at traffic lights and then ride again. Hopefully I'll get used to it, otherwise I might end up in an accident! Feels good to be on a bike though. Also, there's a section on the website I use to find out public transport times that gives you routes to use on the bike. You can choose anything from the shortest route to green routes, where it directs you via parks and avenues so it's pretty. I chose one that took me from my flat to a bike shop that I know and it was really pretty. It said it'd take me 26 minutes, but in reality it was more like 45! But I guess that was all the stopping at traffic lights and checking my directions. It didn't take as long going back. But I needed a bike lock, so I thought it'd be best if I cycled to bike shop instead of leaving my bike somewhere and then coming back with my lock only to have it stolen! :D

Think the weather's going to be nice tomorrow too so I might go for another bike ride. There's a park not too far from my flat - like 2 mins on a bike - so I might just cycle round that. I had to go through it today on the way to the bike shop. It should be a lot less tiring than today! :) Plus, it's nice to have a little exercise and be able to explore the area round my flat at the same time. It's a shame that the weather's going to get worse soon though, but hopefully there'll be the occasional sunny day that isn't too cold. :)

2008-10-21T21:15:00.002+01:00

I don't know if this is the same with you, but sometimes I feel things so strongly that I feel like I'm going to burst. Right now, what I feel is really, really happy for Rosie and Dave. I spent about half an hour on facebook chatting to Dave about his ups and downs with Rosie and I felt in me every sympathy pang I could and then I was so happy about the end that I actually nearly burst out crying!!

Dave is one of the loveliest men I know - unfortunately, I only know a few, but Dave is definitely one of them. I remember Dave when I first met him and he was so quiet and he seemed to not have any confidence at all, but the last couple of years at uni, he really came out of his shell and - I don't know if you can use this term with a man, but he - blossomed. I feel so sad that I missed out on it because I was part of his quiet life. At least, I'd like to think I was... Haha! I remember hearing of the Rosie and Dave saga and feeling so sorry that Rosie didn't seem to feel what she should for him. But then, you can't force these things on people. Hah!

Anyway... It's all good now. And I'm really happy for them. But if I'm really honest, I'm happy for Dave most of all. Not just because Rosie's lovely, but because he got what he deserved. After all that heartache, there was such a blessing for him and it took years and years of it! I'm so happy that he's finally happy and I wish them both a long and happy future. :)

The other thing is somewhat selfish: I'm happy that I'm happy for them. Genuinely so because it moves me to tears that they're together. It means I can start to love again after all. I thought I'd lost the capacity to genuinely care for people other than my mum, brother, Marjo, Mim, Jonathan, Pete and Katherine. But my heart's open to Rosie and Dave too. And I hope it'll open up more and more so that I can be the loving, caring Steph I used to be. That'll be nice.

This whole thing has given me hope - hope that I can get back to the way I was, but also hope that maybe I'll be able to find happiness like Dave did. :) Sometimes years of heartache pay off after all. Here's hoping!!

Munich

2008-10-10T10:22:00.002+01:00

I'm really happy here. I mean, it's not like I wake up every morning with a smile on my face and thank God that I lived long enough to live in Munich or anything. And also, it's not like I was seriously unhappy before, though to be honest, I was quite unhappy just before I left for Bratislava, so I'm glad I did go.

I wish I could meet some Germans who aren't my students though, but that's proving difficult. I have met a couple through my friend Emma, but yeah, I just need to give myself time. I think it's just cos I have so many things going well already that I expect all the other things to follow in the same speed - all other things being German friends and friends outside of work. But my job is good and my flat is good and my students are lovely and the money will be good in a couple of months when I get a full month's pay!

I can't believe how good it is here, but then, it's only the beginning. Maybe in a couple of years when my contract is finished, I'll hate it, but I can't see why I would right now cos it's lovely. But yeah, early days and all.

Hmmm... That's really all. I'm happy and content here. Think it's going to be a good 2 years for me personally but also for my career.

2008-10-03T20:46:00.002+01:00

So I guess that since I have the internet at home and all, I don't have an excuse not to blog. But also this is an excuse to ramble on to a somewhat captive audience. Get ready for those deep thoughts:

When I was at uni, involved with church and CU, I had TONS of friends. I had people around me all the time and there was always something to do or something to be involved in. I had so many people that I cared about. And I mean, genuinely. I really loved these people and now I see that that was a mistake. I wasn't careful with who I felt what for and now I'm really hurt and I can't face going back into that environment because I don't want to be sucked into that again. I realise now that I shouldn't have opened myself up so completely and I really should have held back. It's just that I thought these other people were genuine and really did love me back, but it might have just been a deep sense of fondness at the time, but nothing that had any roots, which is clear now that only 3 of my closest Christian friends are still in contact with me whether I take the initiative or not.

That really hurt, you know. I've kept it inside of me for so long, but it's made me so bitter and cynical and it's driven me away from the church and especially Christians. I just find it so difficult to understand how a group of people who are supposed to love you and care about you don't. Ok, this is a BIG generalisation, but it's hard to be specific without naming specific people and unfortunately, I have a big long list.

Also, since being out in the 'world', I've learned just how clueless some Christians really are. They want to reach out to this world, but they don't know anything about it! They just have a vague idea. Almost like my knowledge of Australia, which is mainly from Neighbours and definitely not representative of real life there.

No, this is going totally wrong... I don't want to bad mouth Christians. I just finally want to talk about this. It's taken so long! And I am so put off by this experience that I want to do EVERYTHING but go back to the church and hanging out with Christians.

I want to be a Christian again. I loved God, I really did. I prayed almost everyday and I loved the Bible and I love studying it and talking about it and I loved learning more about it because it brought me closer to God. I miss it! Now he's a complete stranger to me. Now the Bible is just a long collection of words that mean nothing to me. I have NO idea how to get back to where I was with God. Though I guess, it can't be because I've changed.

Do you know how hard this is? People keep telling me just to pray or just start reading the Bible, but I can't. I really can't! It's like looking at someone you used to love deeply and feeling absolutely nothing. Can you imagine how guilty I feel not being able to love God? I feel like such a hypocrite even touching the Bible. I know how it used to feel and I know what it was like to really be close to God. We really did have a relationship and any attempt to 're-establish' that just feels like play acting. And I can't give myself over to God 100% because I don't want to, so I feel like until I can do that, what's the point?

I've spent so much of my life being a Christian or at least being in a Christian environment. In a very real way, I feel much freer outside of it. I like myself more because I'm less self-righteous, I'm more open to people and I'm less judgmental. Otherwise, I'm pretty much the same me. I don't know. I want to go back to God, but I don't know how. I don't know where to start. I've heard it all before. I need something new and real and not some pre-prepared Christian answer. But until then, don't pressure me. It only makes me feel worse. I know that I need to go back to God, but I just want to be ready because I'm going to have to give him all of me and I really can't right now.

So, that's where I'm at with God and Christianity. I have moved on. I am getting over the hurt my church and CU caused me. Slowly. I'll get there. Eventually.

MUNICH!!!

2008-10-02T20:21:00.002+01:00

Ok, so I'm terrible. No one reads this anyway, but I feel obligated. Had a really long day today and I'm tired, so I'll keep it short. I love it here in Munich. I finally moved into my flat on Tuesday and it's great. It's so convenient with everything I need nearby. Also, I have the internet in my flat and free calls to the UK. Amazing!! My flatmate seems pretty nice too. My job is also going well - apart from today, when it was a little difficult, but nothing major. The school I'm working for is really good - helpful and supportive and the other teachers are nice. Made some friends and now need to find some extra things to do after work. There's definitely more choice than in Bratislava!

Anyway... I'm happy here. Might be too early to say it, but I'm happy I signed a 2 year contract. I highly recommend Munich to anyone and everyone!

2008-08-20T15:11:00.002+01:00

So, I'm back now from Cranbrook. I had enough of the camp by the end. It was too much hard work, but thankfully, the pay was good. I probably would've made about the same temping, so that's great. I'm still waiting for my tax to come back. I think I might have sent it to the wrong address or something, which is annoying, because I'm due a good £500. That'll be nice for the ol' bank account. :)

I'm glad to be home, though I'm fully aware that it's not for much longer. About 20 days till I head off to Munich. I've been looking for flats, but it's quite difficult since I can't meet the landlords or other people living in the flats. So, I'm living in my boss's old flat for 2 weeks when I get there while I look for a flat. It should be much easier. There're loads of flats in the areas I want. It'll be great to be able to look at them and then decide. This way I hope I can avoid living with another Ruth! :D

Everyone wants me to settle somewhere and I know both my parents hope that by having a 2 year contract, I'll finally decide to settle in Germany at least. Well, I can understand that. It's a cool place and it's safe and it's Western and advanced and all that. I know neither of them would've been happy if I decided to settle in Bratislava. It would've done nothing for me. I'd quite like to travel some more. I need to get it out of my system. It's been my dream for far too long to travel round the Far East and then down to New Zealand and Fiji. I'm hoping that that will be my present to myself on my 30th birthday. I'll hopefully be able to save up enough money in 4 years for that! If not, there's always working in Australia until I can travel some more. It'll be a sad, sad day if I just dream it and never fulfill it. I feel like until I get it out of my system, I'll never be able to be at peace and settle anywhere. I just don't know how to convince my parents of that. I'm only young once. Once I have a proper job, a relationship and even a family, it'll be too late to do anything. I don't want to have any regrets.

Of course, the sad thing about all this travelling is that I've already lost so many friends, but I guess they weren't really friends after all if they can't survive a little distance. But the people who matter most to me I know now will almost certainly be always there and that's the most important thing to me. :)

I hope that with all this travelling I'd like to do, I'll finally find what it is I'm looking for. :)

2008-08-05T23:23:00.002+01:00

Hello! Sorry! I really have gotten out of the habit of blogging! It's terrible. But also, I've been really busy since coming to Kent. Only got a week and a half to go and it feels like I've been here for longer than 2 and a half weeks. I'm so glad I haven't been teaching at this summer school. It's been nice to have a break, but I've been more stressed than I ever was as a teacher in Bratislava. I think it's because I'm still having a big hassle with trying to find a flat in Munich. I've signed up to a couple of websites and have already emailed loads of folk about their flats, so I'm waiting to hear back, but also I still have to keep looking.

I don't really know what to say. I'm finding it hard to believe that in a month I have to move countries again. I just can't believe it! I don't know how it's going to be in 2 years time when I have to move again. Of course, I might not move. I don't know? Maybe I'll find a reason to stay? Or maybe I'll finally get to go to Japan? Who knows?

If anyone knows anyone at ALL in Munich who is looking for a flatmate or knows where to look for a flat in Munich, that would be great. I've been stealing time out of work here to look for flats. It's really stressing me out. If worst come to worst, I can always move into that extortionate flat that I was offered by company. It just means that for the first year, I won't be able to save any money... I'm not happy with that prospect. Ah well... What makes it more stressful, other than not having any proper time to do it, is that all the ads are in German, so it's good practice, but also tires me out.

Good news is that I bought a new iPod shuffle. It's a wee purple one, so I hope to get it here in the next couple of days. It'll definitely make the journey home more pleasant. Anyway, I've got to go and make sure these kids are asleep.

2008-07-17T10:40:00.002+01:00

It's been a while, sorry! I've gotten out of the habit of blogging. Mainly because before very little happened to me and it was easy to document, but now it seems like everything is coming like a flood! Plus, having been used to not blogging - whether for lack of time or opportunity - I've just gotten out of the habit of it...

Well, I got the job in Munich. I have a 2 year contract and I've got to be there for 8 September when my induction begins. The whole experience was very stressful. On Friday, my plane was delayed in taking off. It was there on time, but for some reason, we didn't even get to board until 9.20am, when the plane was to take off at 9.25am! So, I texted my mother to ask her to ring the school to let her know that I'd be late, but she was on her way to Dundee for a funeral and I didn't realise she hadn't been in touch with the school till I got to Munich. So, I texted all my friends who might've been at a computer and they emailed the school. My friend Chris texted me Candice's number, so I managed to call her and reschedule the interview. So, I checked in to the hostel and made my over.

The interview itself took one hour. Most of the time it was Candice asking me questions about my past experience and about me. The last 20 mins or so was me asking her questions about the school and the students. I think that was what made her decide to give me the job - my questions. Simon from Bratislava told me that that's what he liked about my interview - the fact that my questions showed that I was really interested in the job and that I was serious about it. So, phew!

On Saturday, I checked out of the hostel, left my bag in the luggage room and used their map to walk around Munich's main sights. It took me about 4 and a half hours, but I took my time and took pictures at every stage. My pictures are on Facebook. I think most of you are on it, so you can see them. :) It's very lovely in Munich. I think it snows there. Paul, the jobby from Regensburg, said he had a white Christmas in Munich last year, so fingers crossed for lovely snow! I'd love to see the English Garden in the snow! It's so beautiful already, but I bet it's cool covered in snow.

It's amazing how Munich is. Right in the centre - which is pretty big - it's really, really busy, but you only have to walk about 5 or 10 minutes away from it and it's really quiet and peaceful. It's HUGE of course! Much bigger than Bratislava, which isn't very difficult. :) I think there are loads more things to do. It seems like it. Anyway... It's much more modern and much more cosmopolitan than Bratislava, so I'm happy about that. Also, some teachers are leaving, so I might be able to move straight into their flats. Jason, the director, said he'd email me the flat details so I could have a look and see which one I liked. The only problem is that I'd be living on my own. Well, I guess that's a good thing after the Ruth fiasco, but it'll be a wee bit lonely at first. Who knows? It might be good. I just hope I can have a TV/the internet or both. We'll see...

What else? Well, I'm off down to Cranbrook in Kent tonight for a month organising excursions for a summer school down there. I'm working for the same company I've worked for in previous summers, though I think that this might be the last time since I have a 2 year contract and that might mean I carry on right through next summer as well. I'm so happy about being paid in Euros - the exchange rate is so much better. Also, hopefully my bank account in Germany will make it easier for me to transfer money into my UK account... Who knows? All things I'll have to find out and work through.

Well, I'll be away from Glasgow for a month, having only been here for 2 weeks... And then I'll be back for another mere 2 weeks before I set off again. Ah well... That's the life I've chosen for myself. :) x

2008-06-27T14:17:00.003+01:00

So, here it is, the end of my time as a teacher in Bratislava. I've cleaned out my desk and now I just have to hand back my keys on Wed before heading off home. Man! It's been one hell of a year. Soooooo much has happened, but I don't know why I'm so surprised. It's always eben that way since my year in St Andrews, through uni and up to now.

My mum's here this weekend. She's arriving tonight and I'll be trying to show her the delights of Bratislava until Wednesday. I've also been enjoying the football and I'm looking forward to the final on Sunday night. It will definitely be one worth watching. Both Germany and Spain have been playing really well throughout the tournament. I hope my mum will let me watch it on Sunday night!! :)

As much as I'm sad to leave, I'm soooo looking forward to having a good wee rest when I'm back at home. I just feel totally exhausted! A few days of being able to do nothing and just sleeping and watching TV will do me the world of good. Too tired write anything else just now. Sure I'll feel more like writing once I'm home. :)

2008-06-17T14:09:00.002+01:00

Well, since my last post I have to tell you that I'm glad that my decision about Munich had become more about location, a better salary and more opportunities and less about Paul because he is now seeing someone in Regensburg. Nothing new yet on the job front in Munich because I still have to go for an interview, but try as I might, I can't help but look forward to a different life in Germany. I've already downloaded a programme onto my computer so that I can refresh my knowledge of German. I'm so ready to leave here.

Don't get me wrong. I've loved it here. It definitely has given me a good grounding in teaching and has helped learn what I can and cannot do in terms of teaching. A lot of the things that have happened here, like everything else, have opened my eyes to who I am and what I am capable of. I'm pretty sure I've become more mature and more assertive as well. I think I've also definitely become more open and approachable - both qualities are expected to be present in a teacher.

On another side, I've lived in a foreign country by myself for 9 months. I've adapted to a new lifestyle, a new language, new food, new people, new surroundings and I've survived. It's strange to think about it. As much as I'm looking forward to going home and being around Glasgow, I haven't missed it all that much. It doesn't seem all that bad that I haven't been home since Christmas. Time has flown and I've grown up and grown used to this weird life.

What I have learned here - other than how to teach and who I am as a teacher (of course there's still much more to learn) - is that I have to make more of an effort to do more. I'll have to join classes and meet people outside of work and outside of my flat. I need to do more. As much as it's been nice here, I've found myself completely bored out of my brains some weekends because my teacher friends are busy or because they're broke or because they're tired. I've also learned to take opportunities when they are presented. Even though I have ended up hurt by Paul, I can honestly say that I don't regret having taken the chance. I will make the effort to travel more and meet more people. Certainly I'm very keen to take a German class when I'm there, so that in itself will give me something outside of work to do.

Though I'm trying not to pin all my hopes on a better life in Germany, I know just from the basics that it will be better. For a start, I'll have more money and I'm sad to say that more money inevitably means more opportunities. But also, the teachers tend to be younger and more outgoing in Germany - though I only know this from Lydia's and Chris's experience, though I doubt that'll change much in the next few months. It certainly has been a very strange mix of people here in Bratislava. It's been to sleepy for me and I'd like to have just that little more fun outside of work.

I don't know. I've been content this year and I don't regret my decision to come here one bit. I'm sure once I get home, all the other things I've learned here will become more apparent, but already I feel like I've learned a lot, improved a lot and grown up a lot. Also, I've learned that it's not all that difficult to live and settle in a new country. It is what you make it and I think that I've made it something good for me. But I am hoping that my interview will go well on 11 July and I will get that job! So pray for me, hope with me and keep your fingers crossed because I am ready to move on to bigger and better things. The world is my oyster and I intend to make the most of it!! :)

Nothing special really...

2008-05-28T09:22:00.002+01:00

Well, I can't believe how slowly all the days are going. I've only got 4 and a half weeks left here and I know they are going to drag. It feels like the end of the first term when I couldn't wait for Ruth to leave. It's really strange because only a couple of months ago, I was happy to be staying for another year and now I can't wait to leave. I can't wait to go home and see people I haven't seen for ages. I can't wait to got to Kent and meet new people.I can't wait to go to Munich for my interview. I can't wait to go to Munich full stop.

If I'm really honest, it's starting to have nothing to do with Paul. Maybe if it weren't for Paul, I wouldn't have considered Munich and wouldn't have even had the chance to go there, but now, I'm really looking forward to it. It's so much bigger, the money's going to be better, my flat will be nicer, there'll be more choice of what to eat and where, and more opportunities to travel - not necessarily because of location, but more to do with the money. I know, I shouldn't be materialistic, but after living here and just getting by most of the time, the idea of having some extra cash is very, very appealing. Plus, I'll get to finally use the German I spent 8 years learning.

Anyway, I can't wait to leave here. I'll miss it and the people I've met here, but, it really is the time to leave. I feel it in my gut.

NEWS

2008-05-26T11:53:00.002+01:00

Hello! I am so, so, so, sorry that I have been really rubbish at updating my blog. I have been so busy at work, but also, not very much has been happening - except until recently of course.

So, I went to Regensburg and had a really lovely time. Also, managed to fit in a day in Munich, which reminds me a lot of Vienna. I loved it. I've started kinda seeing a guy called Paul, who I went to visit in Regensburg. He's very bad at keeping in touch though, so I'm not sure how that's going to work out. But he's coming to visit me in June, so we'll see. Of course, that isn't 100% certain, but it seems very likely.

Other news: Although I've really enjoyed teaching and living here in Bratislava, I've decided that it's time to move on so I'm looking for jobs in Munich. Already had one phone interview, though they'd still like to meet me in person, but they seem pretty keen on employing me. Have another interview in Munich on 11 July and that will be face-to-face. I've been doing really well here though so that's been an encouraging start to my teaching career. My students have given me very good feedback, so it's very satisfying. This interview in Munich is for a job I really want, so keep your fingers crossed for me that I'll get it. They help with settling in and they also are going to give me a full-time contract - if I get the job, of course.

Anyway, thats all really. Have 5 more weeks here and I hope they don't drag. I will try to be better at blogging, I promise!

I"M SORRY!!

2008-05-02T11:26:00.002+01:00

Hi! I'm sorry that I've been absolutely terrible at blogging! I can't believe it's actually been three months! Well, I've been really busy but all is fine. My students love me this term and I'm doing really well and I've totally improved as a teacher. I'm happy here. Can't write more. Just wanted to let you know that I've uploaded more pictures onto flickr and they're in clearly marked sets. Enjoy!

Going to Regensburg and Munich from 8-11 May. Exciting! Potentially more exciting news on that front to come. Will let you know!

Pictures!!

2008-02-19T09:03:00.005Z

Finally, finally, FINALLY!! Here are some pictures at last on good old flickr.
Hopefully the link works.

Went on a good old walk on Sunday round the Stary Mesto (Old City),
over the Novy Most (new bridge) and
down by the Petrzalka side of the river with my
tourist hat on and took some pictures.  When Jonathan
comes this weekend, we'll be going to Devin castle outside
Bratislava and will take some more pictures to
post next week.

There're some lovely places here amongst all the Communist buidings.
Made particularly lovely of course
by the sunshine and the crisp weather.
Pictures of people - including me - coming soon!

2008-02-01T16:28:00.001Z

Sorry I haven't really written for ages. Not very much
to report really. Christmas was nice and chilled.
Unfortunately, time passed far too quickly and it was
time for me to come back before I knew it. It was
strange coming back here and feeling more at home here
than I did there.

It's been somewhat difficult since
coming back because I've got two 12-hour shifts a week
and that's really tough. It's really difficult giving
100% at 6.15pm when you've been teaching since 8am.
Also, for a couple of Mondays, I've had to teach 4
classes in a row, which hasn't been the best
experience. I have another Monday like that to look
forward to I've had Fridays though, so that's great.

Jenny, another teacher, left without giving
any notice so we've all had to chip in and cover her
shifts, but we've managed to hire a new teacher to
take her place - Lydia from Belfast.Speaking of teachers,
Alexis, has been great. She's such a welcome addition. She's
already had over two years worth of experience - in
Turkey and Vietnam - and she's sociable, hard-working
and easy to get along with. Because Jenny has left,
she's now living with Lydia.

But it's been great living with Sandra. It's like we've
always lived with each other and living Ruth was just
a really bad dream. It's been nice to have a tidy flat
and not have to spend most of the weekend cleaning up
after Ruth. Everything's much more chilled out and I
feel I can relax more.

The weather here has been really weird. There was talk
of it being a particularly harsh winter, but so far
it's not been colder than -6. That was on the day I
arrived and since term started, it's not been colder
than -2. It apparently got -15 a couple of years ago,
and that's pretty bad. A couple of weeks ago, the
temperature has been rising and it was 13 degrees!!
In January in Central Europe?!?! But I can't
complain. I did say that I would stay here another
year if I survived the winter, and since it's not been
all that cold, it looks I might. Haha! I bet next year
it'll be really, really bad, but I don't have to worry
about that till next year. :-) Of course, it could
turn really bad now... Who knows?

My teaching had been a little stale the past couple of
weeks. Well, only for my adult classes. I think that
I've definitely changed my approach to my teen classes
and they have been much better, also this term I
started teaching 7/8-year-olds and that's a new
challenge, but with my adult classes, I hadn't been
doing anything new. We had a lesson planning seminar
at the staff training last Friday, and it was the
first one I really appreciated because it was good to
have to re-assess my teaching method, especially since
the first 2 weeks had concerned me anyway. Managed to
find some new material that was better than the textbook
and it made a difference. Well, on with a new week!

Those who still read this, please be in touch. It'll
be nice to know I'm still thought of. :-)

New Year?!?!?

2008-01-01T12:21:00.000Z

Hello! I haven't written for ages, I know. I've been home. Coming home was a big hassle because my flight was delayed from the Bratislava end, so I missed my other flight from London. Got the megabus all the way from London though, which wasn't the most pleasant experience, but I got home in the end. :-)

I think it's been a long year and I can't believe it's finally a new one. Not entirely sure what this year will bring. Well, I've got the Slovakian winter to look forward to and then I'll finish my contract and be back in the summer. I've been offered a job with Project International - the people I've worked at summer schools for - so I'll do that and hopefully temp for the rest of the summer. I've said to a few people already that if I survive the winter in Bratislava, I'll stay for another year. It's a nice wee place and if I continue to save - especially with the rise in salary if I continue - I'll be able to see a fair bit of Central Europe, the prospect of which is quite exciting. So, fingers crossed the winter is not intolerable. At least I know that the place I work and my flat are both well heated and well insulated, so I may just have to stay in a lot. :-D

Too many things have happened this year. There was my CELTA course, my temp post at the Mental Health Tribunal, my 2 weeks in Wolverhampton with Project International, then back to the Mental Health Tribunal and then a new life in a new country. That's just the professional side of things. I don't think I could go into what I've felt and gone through emotionally this year. That definitely was too much. I'm hoping that Sandra as a flatmate won't exhaust me emotionally. I doubt it, but I can't help but feel wary. :-)

Well, I feel that I've started so many 'new lives' this year with 3 different jobs and I'm relieved that I'm continuing with one at least and am able to develop the relationships I've formed over there in Bratislava. I think it'll be tough when Sandra leaves at the end of the school year (she's already decided she's going home) and me starting with a whole new flatmate. But I don't have to worry about that till September...

And who would've thought that I would be writing about being in Slovakia instead of being in Japan?! Hah! That was the biggest disappointment I had this year. But it turned out well. And yes, I'm still planning to go to Japan. I've got 2 more years of check ups and being a cancer patient- which equals 2 more years in Europe - then I'll be in the Far East. With 3 years of teaching experience down my belt, it shouldn't be too hard to get a job with JETS. I'll just have to make sure I meet the application deadlines! Well, there are 2 more years before I have to worry about that. :-)

Ok, I'm going to stop babbling. I never thought I'd end up in a place like Bratislava having dreamed only of Japan and the Far East for the last 4-5 years, but it's not bad. Not bad at all. Never thought that anything that happened this year would've happened, but hey, that's life. It's funny how it turns out. :-D

2007-12-07T09:00:00.000Z

Howdy! I'm so glad that this week is finally over! It has dragged and DRAGGED, but my last class of the week has finally finished and I can go home for a wee nap. :-) I'm not going to Vienna for the Christmas market tomorrow. I'm just too tired. Too many things have been going on in the last few weeks, let alone this week, that I just want a long lie and time to tidy my room, clean my flat and do some laundry. Speaking of my flat, it turns out I will be living with Sandra after all! Woohoo! So, next term will be a lot easier than this term in the flat. Still haven't got my timetable for next term yet, but I hope that I don't start at 8am on the first Monday back, or any Monday of next term for that matter!

Well, that's it really. One more week and then I'm home. Yey!

2007-12-05T10:23:00.000Z

Hello! I have some good news finally - I've gotten my ID card! Woo! Had to wait the whole day last Wednesday, but today it was only an hour. Woo! Also, I've heard that the phone line will be installed in January. Well, I don't know when in January, but they have 31 days to do it, so hopefully it will be done in that time. :-)

Also, the new girl has been confirmed. It is Alexis and she's from the posh part of Bristol. From her profile on Facebook, she looks like a bit of a party girl. So I don't know what she's going to be like as a flatmate. I have no idea what to expect. But there's been a wee bit of an issue in another flat, so I might end up living with Sandra instead, which I'd much prefer because we both get on really well. But we'll see what happens. She's going to speak to the Director of Studies today.

Um... Not much other news really. Just finishing up the textbook units in class because of the end of term tests next week. But all the units have finished for teenagers, so I have no idea what to do with them now. Pfff! Oh dear. Maybe I can find a video that they'd like to see... For my intermediate teens, Ruth and I are merging our classes and putting them before a DVD with some questions to answer. That's one class sorted out. Phew!!

Anyway, I'm going to look online for some activities for pre-intermediate teens...

2007-11-30T15:49:00.000Z

Hello! I'm sorry I haven't blogged for ages. The last time I was on my way to that ice hockey match. Yeah, it was fantastic and I had a really good weekend that time. I'm actually going to the ice hockey again tonight. It'll be lots of fun! The atmosphere was brilliant even though I didn't understand the rules.

Basically I'm fine. Found out that I will be getting a new flat mate after Christmas. Well, I just hope she's not as dirty, smelly or messy as Ruth. That'll be fine. Today we had the Open Day for AV - the school I work for - and it was really hectic and tiring. Wish I hadn't said yes to the ice hockey because I'm so sleepy, but I'm sure I'll wake up.

I'll be back home in 2 weeks. That'll be nice. Totally could do with a wee break, but also have my check up on the Tuesday (18/12). Um... Nothing else to report really. Feeling really settled, except for my annoying flatmate. A little disappointed that people haven't been in touch more, but hey... That's life.

Nothing really...

2007-11-16T09:08:00.001Z

Hello! I don't really have any news. It's been snowing for the past couple of days, so I'm glad I finally bought myself a proper coat last Saturday. I've not really done much except for work because it's been really busy with the new T-Mobile contract we've got. Everybody has had extra hours - except Ruth. I had 2 extra classes so I had preparation to do. Also, we've had some extra work because of the coming Open Day.

But otherwise, I'm fine. I haven't braved church again yet, mainly because I'm a coward. But we'll see. I've also been really tired because of the extra work. But anyway... It has to happen.

Hmmm... I really haven't done much else. I discovered the cinema and that made me happy so I went a couple of times last weekend. I might venture out to it again this weekend, who knows? It's only 3.50 here, so I'm happy! Oh, I'm also going to a Slovak ice hockey match today. Ice hockey's really big here, so we're going to see what the big deal is tonight. Should be interesting since I don't know what the rules are. Hah!

Well, I need to go and get some breakfast!

2007-11-09T10:16:00.000Z

Finally, the trip to Hungary. We went to a small place called Gyor - the o should have 2 dots above it. It was a pretty wee place and I'd gone there in 3rd year with George and a few CU folk. It was such a big farce from the beginning. I'd gotten the wrong train information and then we ended up having to wait at the station for over an hour. I just st around listening to my mp3 player and Ruth and Sandra went to the 'internet cafe'. I don't know why it's called that because it wasn't a cafe and there were only 2 computers. Anyway, Ruth ended up breaking a chair by sitting on it and had to pay 300 SK for it. She said the chair was sitting right in the first place, but I suspect it's because she weighs about 20 stone. Maybe not as much as 20, but I'm not exaggerating when I say she's between 15 and 20 stone.

Anyway, we finally got there and it was a farce looking for the money changers. Sandra was rushing about everywhere and walking as if she were late for an important meeting and in the end, we got totally lost. It was a good walk though and good for me having to keep pace with her. Ruth, of course, lagged behind. We were really hungry by the time we got back to the centre and just went to the English pub and had some steak. It was really yummy! We sat there for quite a while and then went home.

The train ride back to Bratislava was eventless until we actually got back to Bratislava. We tried to get off at our stop - Ruth and I - but we couldn't get the doors opened. By the time we tried to go to another set of doors, the train had started moving again. I figured it was going to stop at the Bratislava main station, but Ruth was getting really nervous. Anyway, the conductor confirmed what I already knew, so we just waited in our stall. Then this drunk man with a moustache and a cowboy hat came in and started trying to talk to us. He could only say "Hallo" and "Ticket please". Anyway, he eventually left us alone and when we got to the main station, I lost Ruth for a while, cos she got into trouble for smoking in the train station. But it was alright in the end. We got a tram into the centre and then got our bus home. Finally got back at 9.30ish pretty much exhausted. But it was really funny the whole time and no one got annoyed. It was just one of those experiences you have I guess when you're travelling.

I'm sorry that it's taken me so long to to write about it. It's been a busy week and I've had to spend quite a bit of time at home because we had a few leaks in our bathroom and I had to wait for the repair men. Well, it's sorted out now. I'm still waiting for my ID card. It sucks that I can't have a phoneline even until then. AAAH!! Anyway, that's all for now. :-)

Vienna take 2

2007-11-02T08:01:00.000Z

Hello! Yep, I went back to Vienna again yesterday. Saw even more beautiful buildings. Simon and I walked around for like FOUR hours and saw beautiful building after beautiful building after beautiful building. The weather was really nice yesterday making everything more picturesque than it already was. I was amazed by it all. I have to go back though becuase I think I've only seen a third of it. There are so many more places I want to visit while I'm here - Prague, Budapest and the rest of Slovakia, but I love Vienna so much already that I think I'll just keep going back there every opportunity I get!! It's so much more beautiful than Paris. Sorry Paris lovers, but you'll have to go there and see just how right I am!

There were no classes yesterday because of the Catholic All Saint's Day holiday. I had to come in today for my 8am class even though my students had already told me that they weren't going to be here. What a big jobby! Anyway, I just sat in my classroom for 45 minutes planning my up and coming lessons for my adult classes. They were quite simple lessons because next week, they'll be sitting a test for 2 lessons and then it's feedback and all I have to do is finish the units that they were on. Next week will be a great week since I'll only have to plan for the teenagers and my 8am Friday class. I suppose I won't be so happy when I have all those test papers to mark, but it'll be nice to go home not be absolutely exhausted as usual. :-)

Tomorrow I'm off to Gyor - it should have 2 dots above the o, but I can't seem to insert it... I was there 3 or 4 years ago for an evangelism conference with George and a few other CU folk. It'll be nice to go back. It's a quaint wee town and if the weather's nice, it'll be pretty. It'll be a big contrast from Vienna though since it's only a wee place. I wonder how much it's changed in the last few years? The last time I was there, everywhere I went looked like a postcard picture. Hope it's still the same.

Oh, they've already started setting up the Christmas markets in the square in the Old Town. Exciting! I can't wait. I saw the pictures of them on-line before I got here and it looked so Christmassy and lovely. Woohoo! It'll be nice looking at and walking round all the stalls while sipping on some mulled wine. :-)

One last but important piece of news: NOVA, the company I was going to go to Japan with, have collapsed financially. 2000 teachers are out of a job, haven't been paid and have no money to get home from Japan!! That could've been me!!! So, I'm glad I'm here. Phew! Even if I do have the flatmate from hell... :-D

Church

2007-10-30T14:15:00.000Z

So, I finally made it to church on Sunday. Phew! Found it alright. I can't tell you whether it was good or bad because I didn't have the right headphones and so had to sit to through the whole service not understanding one word!! I couldn't leave either because I was sitting in the middle of the row and it was full on each side of me. I was disappointed that nobody even made an effort to talk to me. I was really early and was sitting on my won for ages not really knowing what to do with myself. I guess in that respect churches don't differ from country to country. It's a shame that there aren't more Jennys or Margarets.

This week we have Thursday off and so I'm happy to have a wee extra break. I thought about going away for the whole weekend, but it isn't going to happen. Just going to a small town in Hungary for the afternoon on Saturday. Maybe make it away at some point. Hopefully to Prague. Staying in Vienna for a whole weekend might be a little too expensive, though maybe I should just save up?

Anyway, things are going well, more or less. Really tired all the time, but I guess it just shows I'm working hard. Pay day again on Friday. Woohoo!

Vienna

2007-10-23T08:50:00.000+01:00

Hello! I know you're all dying to know about Vienna, so here I am posting about it. Well, I didn't get off to a very good start. I was being a bit of a smart ass and I thought the station was a lot closer than it was to where I lived, so I decided to walk there. Then I got lost and had to take the bus anyway and then I missed the train by one minute. I would've made it as well if I'd known where passport control was... So then I had to wait for an hour till the next train, but it came on time and it was well fancy!

When I got to Vienna, it was absolutely FREEZING and raining. I walked for about 45 minutes heading towards the centre and then started to look at buildings. I did start to take pictures, but soon ralised that I wouldn't be able to get very far if I took pictures of every amazing piece of architecture I saw. It was beautiful and I'm going to go again. Hopefully the weather will be better in a couple of weeks...

I wish I could describe everything, but all I can say was that the buildings were beautiful - spectacular, even! Never seen architecture like it. The layout of the city was similar to Paris. I loved it! It was also brilliant going up to monuments and buildings and reading the inscriptions and being able to understand them. So happy that I could use German still! Also, it was brilliant going into a cafe and being able to understand the waiters and the menu and being able to order in a complete sentence!

Another teacher - Simon - and I were thinking about going by boat to Vienna next time because we could just sail up the Danube, but unfortunately, the boats don't run regularly in the winter and they're quite expensive. Ah well... Might be something to try next year - maybe in the summer... But I think I'm going again in a couple of weeks or so - by train - and this time I'll print off some directions to particular places. It'll be cool.

I definitely recommend going to Vienna, but you need a LOT of time. :-) Come visit and we could go together!!

Um...

2007-10-18T11:54:00.000+01:00

Hello! Nothing to say really. Just that I got paid today and I went to the bank to put the money into my Slovak account. I went with my purse and the money - it's just across the road from the school. So, I get there and they ask for my passport. I had my bank card with me and I only wanted to put money in to the account, but I couldn't until I had brought my passport in. Man, I usually have my bag with me and my passport in it! Anyway, I had to traipse all the back to the school and get my blooming passport before I could money in! Ridiculous!

In other news: I am going to go to Vienna for the day. At least I hope so. I'll definitely go if the weather's nice. I'll be going on my own, but that way I'll have some peace from Ruth and an excuse not to go out that night since I'll be far too tired. Heehee! Then I can go to church on Sunday. Woo! And make some friends finally! :-) It'll be weird going to Vienna! I'm so excited! It's only an hour away from where I'm staying. I'll take lots of pictures, but I won't be able to post them until I get the internet in my flat. Which will probably be never. :-( Haha! Just a few more weeks!

Hello!

2007-10-15T18:00:00.000+01:00

Hello! I'm so sorry I haven't written for ages. It's mainly because nothing much has happened... I wake up, teach my 8am class, plan for the next day, my teens and my 4.45pm class, then I teach my teens and my 4.45pm and I go home. On the weekends, I sleep in, I clean up after my flatmate Ruth (this is turning me into quite a good housewife actually, but it annoys me how dirty and messy she is!!) and then I read. A couple of Saturdays we've gone out, but I hate it. It's no fun being cramped into a crowded space and having Ruth dance AT you. Nope. I have yet to make it to church on Sunday... Mostly I've been sleeping in, and then planning my lessons, grocery shopping and more reading!! Woo! This is of course broken occasionally when Phil, my director, lends me one of his DVDs, then I really go wild!!

Just a hint of sarcasm there for ya...

Seriously man, I need a life outside of work, outside of the flat and outside of Ruth. As someone to hang out with, Ruth's alright, btu I have to hang out with her ALL THE TIME and work with her also. I need some other friends!!

See, this is why I haven't written for ages. There just hasn't been anything to say... I'm fine though, just a little bored. :-)

Woohoo for the Weekend!!

2007-10-05T15:19:00.000+01:00

Hello! Thought I should post again before the weekend. Not really much to say really except that I'm glad another week is over and I don't have to teach again for another 2 days. Phew! Also, that I feel weird about having my birthday with no-one really to celebrate with. Well, sure there are the other teachers, but if I were in Glasgow, at least I could be with my mum and maybe some friends... Ah well. I guess I'm only thinking that because I'm a little homesick. I always miss home more at the weekend than during the week. Probably because I don't really have time to think about anything other than teaching and planning lessons during the week, oh, and sleeping as well. :-)

Em... Yeah, I'm going to go to this church that is near the school on Sunday. I have no idea what to expect, but they do have an English service, so that's something. Yeah, I never thought I would miss Christians, but I do. That's a horrible thing to say, but what I mean is, when I left, mass gatherings of Christians really scared me because well, I was sick of being patronised just because I was struggling with my faith. I guess I haven't really made any firm decisions, but more and more I see that I am more on the Christian side than any other. Certainly the more I hear about other religions, the more I see the Christianity is the way.

Yup, I'm going to go now and buy a copy of Pascal's Pensees. See if Pete keeps his promise to study it with me over the year - via email of course.

Bye!

Activities?!?!

2007-10-03T10:05:00.000+01:00

Hello! This is an appeal for ideas. You know the game Mafia? My young teens LOVE it! I'm wondering if any of you might know of a game like Mafia that teenagers might like? I'm sure they'll get sick of it soon enough and I have no idea what to do with them then... Eek! My young teen are adorable, but the older ones are a pain in the ass! Well, only 5 of them, but still...

Teaching is so exhausting! I love my last class of the day and it's a great way to end each day. Plus, planning for them is great because I know them well enough now to know what they like and what they don't like. I think I'm getting there with the morning class too. They intimidate me a little though... I don't know if I'll ever get used to the teenagers... Goodness! I hope I get tot he point where I enjoy teaching here. I did at the end of my course.

I think I'm just having a bad day... :-S

Teenagers?!?!?!

2007-10-02T15:41:00.000+01:00

Just a quick post to moan before I go on to teach another class: I did CELTA specifically so that I could teach adults and only adults because not only do teenagers not want to learn, but they definitely do NOT want to learn English!! My teenage classes are my lease favorite classes in the day. I could do without them.

Right, off to teach my class of the day. Lovely Intermediate adults. Phew!

Another week of teaching...

2007-10-01T08:41:00.000+01:00

The first week here was exhausting and was full of teaching, planning lessons and teaching again. My flatmate and I both finish at 6.30pm and then when we get home, if we don't have any more planning to do, just collapse in a heap of exhaustion. We both feel like losers because we're too tired to even to go to the cinema or out for a drink! But I've been assured that this isn't the case once you get into the hang of things. Well, I hope that's soon because by the end of last week, I just didn't want to get out of bed since I was sooo tired!

Had a fairly restful weekend though. We did go with some Slovak girls to a Harley Davidson bar in the middle of nowhere. I was expecting rock music at least, but they played cheesy 80s stuff and then in the middle of all that played Rammstein, which was then followed by Thriller!! It was bizarre. Plus the DJ was a creepy old man! Eugh! By about 1 in the morning, the music got a bit better. I really didn't want to be there. When I first went out, I thought we'd just be going for a couple of drinks and home again. I wasn't prepared for not getting home till 3am!! I would've left sooner, but I didn't know where I was and didn't particularly want to wander about Bratislava on my own in the middle of the night, so I stayed. Slept most of Sunday, then went grocery shopping, read for a while and then planned my lesson for Monday.

So glad for the weekend though. It was good just doing things like cleaning my kitchen, laundry and just reading. I really feel better for it and feel prepared for a new week ahead. Though by Wednesday, I'll probably be longing for the weekend again. Speaking of the weekend: It's my birthday on Sunday, so I fully expect that those of you who've got my address should send me a card! :-P I'm allowed to make demands, I think, since I'm going to have to celebrate my birthday all alone in a foreign country. Heehee!

Lastly, those of you who pray for me, please pray I find a church nearby and some good Christian friends soon. That would great! Ok, back to work now!

Teaching

2007-09-26T13:27:00.000+01:00

Hello! I can't believe I'm teaching 3 classes a day! My classes first thing and last thing in the day are really nice. I have teenagers in the afternoon and they're CRAZY!! But some of them are cute. I'm sure I'll get to used to them in time. :-) I can't believe how much time it takes to plan all these lessons! I was expecting it, but still... I was so spoilt during my CELTA course because we had so much time to do everything! Anyway, I'm sure I'll get into the swing of things. All the teachers that have been here a while say it gets easier to plan as the terms go on, so hopefully by Christmas it'll be almost second nature.

Someone asked if I could post pictures of where I live and I will. Once I get the internet in the flat sorted and then I'll be able to upload my photos from my laptop. I'll take some pictures of the old town too.

Well, I'm going to go back and do some work now before I have to face the dreadful teens!

Bratislava

2007-09-24T08:35:00.000+01:00

Hello! This is the first proper time that I've been able to blog. Been able to check emails, but for some reason blogger was really slow. Anyway... So, I'm in Bratislava. For a capital city, it's pretty small. It's really beautiful though. Had a walk around the old city yesterday and yeah, it's really beautiful. Most people go home at the weekend and do it's pretty quiet here. My flat is nice. very 70s looking and set among a whole load of communist built flats. They would be intimidating if it weren't so green all over the place and peaceful. It's been really hot here the last few days, but today it's a little chilly. Still not freezing or anything though, so that's ok. In a couple of weeks, I'll hopefully be able to have the internet in my flat, so that will make things a lot easier.

I don't really know what else to say really. Just taught my first class. It's a lot less intimidating since I'm not being assessed. I have to start at 8 everyday though, but because the buses are so regular and we don't live that far away from the school, I can leave at 7.30 and get in for plenty of time. My next class isn't till 3.30 though, so I might just do some photocopying and go home for a little while.

Bad news

2007-09-17T22:03:00.001+01:00

Oh dear... I just found out that Ruth and I are not going to be living in a nice, lovely flat. We've been moved to a rather horrible sounding one. I'm not sure what's happened or why we've been moved. Ruth didn't even know that we were being moved until Friday. No more balcony and no more living room. I've emailed Simon - my boss - and asked him to clear up the situation. Lovely! At least it's free. I hope the heating works during the winter. My mum's really annoyed about it. What can I do now? I just have to deal with it. All part of the experience, right?

Looks like there will be no room for visitors I'm afraid. :-( I just hope this isn't what the whole year is going to be like...

I'm leaving in a day

2007-09-16T21:06:00.000+01:00

Hi! I've not been a really good blogger for ages. Sorry! Not really had much to say since nothing much has happened since getting accepted to Bratislava. So, I leave in a day. I can't quite get my head around it. People keep asking me if I'm ready, but I have no way of actually knowing that. I'm going to miss quite a few people very deeply, but this time of leaving I think will show me who my real friends are. That's quite a blunt statement, isn't it?

I'm going to try my best to blog while I'm away, but as I've said before, I'm not sending round mass emails, though I might just send one letting people know I've arrived safely and things like my address... I'm hoping to get the internet in my flat, but I'm not sure how much of a possibility that really is. I'll know more when I'm there. I got emails from my flatmate pretty much everyday - the girl in Bratislava - so I guess there must be a few places around where I can send and receive emails.

I'm getting to the stage where I just want to get there and get it over and done with - like ripping of a band-aid/plaster. I'll feel better once I know what I'm doing and where everything is. I am just hoping for really good friends. They make such a difference to everything and as many things I can bring from here to there, I can't bring my good friends, so I rerally need to make some new ones. I'm pretty easy to befriend, so I'm sure it won;t be long. :-)

Ok, not really sure what to say now... I'm on facebook and bebo, so if you want to, keep in touch that way. If not, I guess I'll see when I see you. Goodbye!

Leaving Party

2007-09-01T21:19:00.001+01:00

Hello! I don't know who reads my blog anymore, but if you do, you're one of my friends and are still in Glasgow, please come to my leaving party on Saturday 8 September at the Primary on Woodlands Road from 7.30pm!

Thanks!

I'm leaving!!!

2007-08-11T13:30:00.001+01:00

Woohoo! I'm going to Bratislava on 18 September. Yup, just about 6 weeks!

I know, I know. I was all excited about Poland and the school seemed like a good place and the town sounded nice, but at Bratislava, I don't have to pay rent or bills for a year. Plus, they pick me up from the airport, refund me half my travel costs, I get to teach a wide range of courses - from beginner to exam level, I am only 1-2 hours away from Vienna, Prague, Budapest and Bucharest... It goes on and on. Sounds nice. Plus, if anyone wanted to visit, it's a lot easier to get to than where I would've been in Poland.

So, my tickets are booked. Really cheap. Need to save up some money so that I can pay for the excess weight on my luggage! No idea what to take and what not to take. EEK! Going to start packing bit by bit.

Found out about my flat today too. Thought I would have a flat to myself, but turns out I'll be sharing. Ah well... Hope my flat mate it nice. :-S It's apparently a nice flat - 2 bedrooms, a living room, modern and fully furnished is all I've been told. Presumably it has a bathroom and a kitchen too. By the way, anyone know where I can get an adapter for European plugs? I'll need a couple I think before I go. :-)

It's all happening so quickly, but I like it. There'd be nothing worse than temping forever. Good to finally be doing what I want to, even if it's not the country of my dreams. Ah well... These things happen for a reason, right? I'll get to Japan eventually. I just hope I remember how to plan lessons and teach!!

Wish me luck!

(Oh, I hope to be keeping my blog up to date while I'm away. If not, I'm on facebook. If you want to know how I'm getting on, just ask. I won't be sending round mass emails. See ya!)

Moving on up!

2007-08-02T20:02:00.000+01:00

Yo! I have some good news at last. Since coming back from my summer school in Wolverhampton, I've been more determined than ever to get off my backside and get myself an EFL job even if it means no Japan. So, I applied for 7 jobs on Monday and Tuesday and have since had 5 different schools say they're interested!! Out of all 5, the one I most like the sound of is in Poland. Had my phone interview today and I think it went pretty well. Never can tell with these things and even less so on the phone! Lady was really nice though and I kept speaking to her as if I'd already gotten the job. Poor Chris is going to miss me, but hey... I was never going to be around for long. If all goes well, I'll be in Poland for 24 Sept! Exciting! Only have 6 more weeks here and I can finally leave and do what I've been desperate to do for FOUR YEARS!!! Teaching. Bet I'll hate it though once it starts! Haha!

You can't begin to imagine how relieved I am that my life is finally moving forward and going somewhere. I thought I may have been stuck in the Mental Health Tribunal forever and all my work at CELTA was going to go to waste. Not so though. Even if I don't get this job in Poland (I'll hear at the start of next week), there's still an interview for Bratislava tomorrow and one on 17 August for a school in Germany. All of them start at the end of Sept/beginning of Oct. Can you believe that I can finally start living my dream? Oh God, I hope this is not just false hope! It's the first time I've been happy and excited about something in months. Phew!

Fingers crossed. Will let you know when I know more!

Back in sunny Glasgow!

2007-07-24T17:07:00.000+01:00

Sorry I haven't written for a while...

Quick update: My faith is not there anymore, I can honestly say. The past two weeks I was in Wolverhampton at a Project International camp and went a bit crazy. Didn't do anything majorly wrong, but definitely wouldn't have done half the things if I'd been here among Christians. In a way, it was good because I got too see who I was without God and got a fair idea of just how bad things could get if I didn't sort myself out. On the other hand though, I had a really good time, but I don't think I would continue to behave int hat way. Essentially, I am still the same Steph, but all the things that were good in me definitely came from God and part of me, though it is getting smaller everyday, still wants it back. I don't know though. It's tough.

I don't know. I think part of me did it to be accepted or something? I do know that over the last couple of years I've become progressively lonelier and lonelier still. And the fact that I have no direction at the moment has thrown me completely. I am lost ina lot of ways. I hope I do find some way back to rationality and reason though, but it'll take time and effort and I hope I will kick myself up my backside and actually do something about it. But with no direction, it's hard to be motivated.

All of this is really affecting the way I look at myself - who am I, what do I look like, am I pretty, how do others perceive me.... All these things are floating around in my head. I don't know what I'm looking for. When I was sure about God, I was sure about who I was and where I stood in the world. Well, not exactly, but I knew I was part of God's plan and I knew it was best. I long for that place, but it'll take such a long time to get back there...

Good to be home though. Looking forward to sleeping in my own bed!

Sayonara Japan

2007-06-17T13:15:00.000+01:00

So, I've decided to give up on Japan. The company I applied to - NOVA - were told this week by the Japanese government to suspend recruitment of new students for 6 months because they lied to prospective students about their facilties. I called them when I read the news on the Japan Times on Thursday to ask if this affected my application, but they said no as they are still allowed to renew contracts with existing students. Still, I am quite dubious. It's a pretty serious thing when the government orders you to do something and my guess is that the students won't all rush to renew their contracts. Since Japan is on the other side of the world, I'd like to go there being 100% sure of my company, but I'm not. I don't want to end up stranded on the other side of the world, so I'm not going yet. Plus, I feel like maybe I'm not ever supposed to go. The last time I wanted to go, I had cancer and now the company appears to be suspect. Plus, there was all this hassle about my primary school and how they lied about when I would hear back. It's not never, I suppose, but definitely not for a while.

It's quite difficult to think of what else to do because for the last 4 or 5 years I've wanted to teach English as a foreign language and to teach it in Japan. I guess I really can go anywhere and I should try Europe. Since Thursday I've been thinking that since I need regualr check-ups still that maybe Europe would be best because then I could save money on health insurance as I could just fly back for my appointments. They're now every four months and soon will be every six months, so that should be manageable. Also, the place I'm working at now said that they'd be able to offer me work till maybe Christmas, so that sounds good too.

How do I feel about having to give up Japan yet again? I don't know. I'm not entirely surprised. It seems everytime I want something that it's almost a guarantee that I'm never going to get it. It seems that everyone else gets what they want, but I'm the one who has to be patient and wait. But what exactly am I waiting for? Part of me is frustrated because the last few months would've been different if I'd known I wasn't going. And I hate the fact that everyone is going to feel sorry for me. "Poor little Steph. I hope something works out for her soon."

I think that maybe I should change the picture for my blog too. I'll have to change the title too, eh? No use having a Japanese themed blog when I'm not going to get there for a while... Pfff! I have no idea what to do now and no motivation to find out. I don't want to be one of those people who are always living in the future and so don't appreciate their present. I'm little Steph and there's a big world out there. I just hope one day I get to see it.

Where is my faith?

2007-06-03T18:23:00.000+01:00

You know, up until this week, I thought I was just struggling as a Christian and struggling with my relationship wih God, but after speaking to Julie today, I realised that it is deeper than that. I have lost my faith and in doing so have lost my hope. People always ask what difference does knowing God make to anyone's life, well, it gave me hope and now that I haven't got it, life's outlook is hopeless to me. I was kidding myself and perhaps others too, but I was never kidding God. How do you get faith back once you've lost it?

On another note, my interview was alright on Thursday for NOVA. I just answered the questions as best as I could and I'll hear by the end of the week. Or the start of next week. Who knows? It's quite tough knowing how to respond when people say that they think there's no reason why I shouldn't get the job. It's quite tough as well trying to show someone who doesn't know you that you are the right person for the job and that this is something you seriously want to do and it isn't just a pipedream. I don't know. I just have to wait and see...

Somewhere I know that this isn't a surprise to God and in some way he isn't distant. He knows, I guess, that in the long run this will be good for me because it'll have been something I decided for myself and not just something I have been told to believe. With this I just have to wait and see as well, but I still have to keep looking. :-)

150th POST!!

2007-05-18T17:31:00.000+01:00

Well, I suppose it's about time I blog again... I've been lazy with it because I've been sooo ridiculously tired. I think I may be anaemic. Not exaggerating or being a hyperchondriac. I have been slightly anaemic since my treatment, so it's not a total jump... I kept fainting the other night and my GP thinks it might have been a moment of low blood pressure. But we won't know for sure I guess... My GP's going to give me a check up next Tuesday, so I'll know then.

As for spiritual health: I can't say I've made any progress. I have no idea whatsoever how I'm supposed to rely on God for strength. I had a problem with that even when I was sure I was a Christian. The only time I got it right was when I had cancer and I'd rather learn how do it when I'm well than just be critically ill just so I can know God better. I think I'm just where I was - I know that I cannot live without God and that I want to be a Christian. But I have no idea whatsoever of how to live with God - how to be a Christian.

My problem is that I have always looked to other Christians as an example. Now the fact that Paul said to follow him as he follows Christ makes so much sense. Even Paul wasn't the 'right' example. Only Jesus. But I have no idea how to do that since the gospel stories are so familiar, they fall on deaf ears. But I also get distracted by Christians, expecially those that make me cringe to be associated with. That also is a 'plank in my eye' problem... Sandyford has been going through Matthew and they've been really well done sermons - very expansive, information and helpful. My problem is in application... I just have to wait and see, I suppose...

I guess I'm never really going to be 'sorted out', but I do want to be at a place where I know that God is definitely there...

Interview and revelations...

2007-05-04T21:54:00.000+01:00

First of all, I just want to let you know that I heard from NOVA today and my interview is in Edinburgh on 31 May!!

Next, here is what I've learned about God:

I've recently discovered that EVERYONE is selfish - that is why we sin. The person I love most in my life, no matter what I may think, is me. That's why the law can be summarised with just 2 commands - love the Lord with all your heart, soul and mind and love your neighbour as yourself. There's no room in either of those for just 'ME'. I've also realised that that is all you need for marriage. Us Christians have a tendency to complicate things and complicate rules but we forget what Jesus told us in the Sermon on the Mount. If that is all we need for life, that is all we need for marriage. I've put up with this lie that you have to be somehow spiritually 'superior' to be 'ready' for marriage for too long, but I've since realised that these are both lies. When you approach anything, it's about your heart attitude and you're never 'ready' to do it, just ready to learn from it. That's what God's been teaching me.

All the 'lies' I was talking about, they were very loud at Calvary and I kept thinking there was something wrong with me. There was some other stuff that made me think that maybe I wasn't actually a Christian because I wasn't seeing things like everyone else was. I have since seen that the only thing wrong with me is sin and the only person who can do anything about it is God. Everything really is that simple. And like Chris Hoy told me, all those months ago, all I need to be a Christian is to believe that Jesus is the son of God and that Him dying on the cross freed me from sins and in doing so opened the way up for me to have a relationship with God. Doctrine doesn't matter - of course, we have to obedient to God, but that comes down to what I said above, if we love God and other people more than ourselves, we'll sin less (all with God's help of course).

Since realising all this stuff, I do feel free and I do feel like I finally understand how Jesus' yoke is light. It is. We Christians get in our own way. It's quite absurd. Oh well. Learning to love God and everyone else more than I love myself is going to be tough, but it is a LOT easier than trying to be like all the other Christians. I have to find my own way of relating to God. The Pursuit of God has really helped with that. What an eye opener! I highly recommend it - along with Mere Christianity. They really set out Christianity and relating to God in such a straightforward way. But I also highly recommend the Bible. It's all about grace and God's help. Love the Lord your God with your heart, soul and mind, and love your neighbour as you love yourself. There is true wisdom in both these commands. It is ALL you need.

That's it.

Off to Japan...?

2007-05-01T19:39:00.000+01:00

Well, FINALLY I've sent off my application to NOVA. I sent it off yesterday and have been checking my email every five minutes since. Guess it'll take a while before they get back to me, but I'm so excited!! It all seems so surreal. I am kinda worried about it as I had cancer and so that might affect my health insurance, but I hope it'll all work out...

Work was hectic today because most of the staff were on strike. I had to do a lot, but it was fine because before I knew it, it was 4.30 and then once I finished what I had to do, I could go home. Phew!

Also, A Life Less Ordinary arrived in the post today! Woohoo! It's my favourite film in the whole world!! Those who haven't seen it have to. It's hillarious! Heehee!

Had a good weekend with regard to learning things about God, but more about that later. I'm off to watch my DVD. Anyone who wants to borrow it should. I'm going to make you watch it anyway. :P

No life without God

2007-04-24T07:29:00.000+01:00

Over the last few days I've been wondering how people cope without having God in their lives. I've been struggling with having a relationship with God over the last few months because I'm not sure exactly what being a Christian means anymore. I have spent far too much time looking to Christians for guidance and it led me to be disillusioned about my faith in general because I was looking to man and not God. For a little while it made me even wonder about whether I was even a Christian. I read some parts of my blog from this time last year and I was amazed at my faith then, but also amazed at how far from it I am now!

I've had to cut some ties with some people I really love recently because I need to be in a place where I don't have any distractions. I have to work this out on my own, obviously with God's help, but that makes this whole walk so lonely. I do feel incredibly empty and alone because I've forgotten what it means to have a relationship with God. I don't know where to start. And for the life of me, I can't understand how people can ignore the gaping whole in them! It's only been a few months and without God my life seemed so empty and pointless. There's just no meaning in anything and no purpose to anything. Everyday began and ended the same - thankless and empty. I knew I had to do something about it - I just couldn't take it anymore.

My lesson learned so far is that if I want to learn how to be a Christian, I should look at Jesus and not other Christians because - this is fairly basic stuff - Jesus is God and people are just people. I read Mere Christianity and I'm reading the Pursuit of God on the train to work. Think I might look at Mark and study Jesus afresh. I've been through enough to know that I don't want a life without God. No thanks. I don't understand why anyone would.

Exploding toilets

2007-04-22T19:05:00.000+01:00

I'm sorry I haven't blogged for ages. This new job is not like the other. I have access to the internet, but it dooesn't let me onto blogger. :-( I do want to say more, but instead I'm going to go with a cop out and post a link about exploding toilets instead.

New Job

2007-04-10T21:11:00.000+01:00

Hello, hello! I started my new job today and it was soooo busy. How brilliant! It's a stress filled job and is constantly on the go. Brilliant! So great to be working somewhere that gives me work to do. People seem really nice too. Only downside is that I have to leave the house at 7.45 every morning, or it could be earlier... I'll know for sure tomorrow. Ah well... All the travelling means I have more time to read.

Oh dear, I'll have to remember to actually submit my application to NOVA soon otherwise I may never get to Japan... I know some of you would be happy if I didn't go though. Hee hee hee!

No hair? Get a wig!

2007-04-08T21:49:00.000+01:00

Just taking a stroll down memory lane. This time last year, Andrea came over with Hugo and shaved my head. And now my hair is lovely and growing nicely. :-)

Also, I started chemo on 10 April last year, but this year, I'll be starting my new job. What a year it's been!

Today I got to do something nice for someone I care about a lot. I'm glad I can make someone happy. :-) Yey!

Rely on God, not Self!

2007-03-30T10:59:00.000+01:00

Wow! What a challenge, rebuke, but also an encouragement!

"Behold, all ye that kindle a fire, that compass yourselves about with sparks: walk in the light of your fire, and in the sparks that ye have kindled. This shall ye have of mine hand; ye shall lie down in sorrow" (Isa. 50:11).

What a solemn warning to those who walk in darkness and yet who try to help themselves out into the light. They are represented as kindling a fire, and compassing themselves with sparks. What does this mean?

Why, it means that when we are in darkness the temptation is to find a way without trusting in the Lord and relying upon Him. Instead of letting Him help us out, we try to help ourselves out. We seek the light of nature, and get the advice of our friends. We try the conclusions of our reason, and might almost be tempted to accept a way of deliverance which would not be of God at all.

All these are fires of our own kindling; rushlights that will surely lead us onto the shoals. And God will let us walk in the light of those sparks, but the end will be sorrow.

Beloved, do not try to get out of a dark place, except, in God's time and in God's way. The time of trouble is meant to teach you lessons that you sorely need.

Premature deliverance may frustrate God's work of grace in your life. Just commit the whole situation to Him. Be willing to abide in darkness so long as you have His presence. Remember that it is better to walk in the dark with God than to walk alone in the light. --The Still Small Voice

Cease meddling with God's plans and will. You touch anything of His, and you mar the work. You may move the hands of a clock to suit you, but you do not change the time; so you may hurry the unfolding of God's will, but you harm and do not help the work. You can open a rosebud but you spoil the flower. Leave all to Him. Hands down. Thy will, not mine. --Stephen Merritt