Malaysia

I really should have done this before I did my little food guide and I really should’ve included some pictures, but my dad’s internet connection hasn’t been working properly so it’ll have to wait till Thursday when I’m back here. The internet people said that it’ll be back to normal after tomorrow.

Anyway… Friday was the first time I went into town. It was really bizarre because some of it was familiar, but a lot of it was totally different. Even the post office (there’s only one general post office) has changed. A lot of the city center reminded me of Hungary and looked a lot like some Eastern European city stuck in the 70s. It was really bizarre. So many things here are completely different from the way they were when I was last here 3 years ago, which is only to be expected, but it’s even less like the JB (Johor Baru) I remember. I guess, that’s good in a way because I don’t feel so bad about it not being like home anymore. It isn’t the home I remember as a child.

On Friday night, my dad took me shopping and bought me some sushi, but it gave me really bad food poisoning, so I spent most of time yesterday on the toilet and threw up 3 times. When we went to the 24-hour clinic, the doctor diagnosed it straight away, which was nice. I guess food poisoning is pretty standard, but after all the hoo-hah over the last year, it’s nice to go to a doctor the first time and have it diagnosed and sorted straight away. It’s also nice to have something wrong with me that has nothing to do with cancer. I can feel like an average person now. So after I threw up one last time and went to the toilet a couple more times, my stomach felt settled enough to take my medicine again (I threw up the medicine the first time I took it), and now I feel fine. Phew!

Oh, you know, I forgot to say a couple of weeks ago that I had a CT scan and a check-up before I left and everything was fine. They can see my ovary, which is good because it means it wasn’t destroyed by the chemotherapy and that it may work again one day – Dr Davis said maybe in a few more months. We’ll see. It’ll work when God wants it to. :-)

Food!

So, I decided I would do a little Malaysian food guide. I’ve picked 3 things for this week: Nasi Lemak, Pisang Goreng and Moon Cake.

Nasi Lemak (na-see luh-mak)
Nasi means rice and lemak means cream. It’s not rice pudding though. It’s usually served for breakfast, though you can have it at anytime of the day. It’s rice cooked in coconut milk, with a herb called pandan, served with sambal, cucumbers, fried peanuts and an egg. It’s very strange sounding, which is why I chose to talk about it. You have to mix it all together, except the cucumbers, with the rice before you eat it. The cucumbers are there to cool your mouth after eating the sambal, which is pretty much a sauce made primarily out of chilies in which you can add prawns, anchovies, cockles, cuttlefish, etc.. You can also have beef or mutton rendang (ren (like the end of ‘children’)-dung), which is meat cooked in a curry like sauce with coconut, but it doesn’t have much gravy. Unfortunately, I can’t tell you much about rendang and sambal because I don’t know what the other ingredients are. It isn’t one of my favourite meals, but it is an authentic Malaysian dish that looks a lot more appetizing than it sounds, but only if you like spicy food.

Pisang Goreng (pee-sung go-reng)
Pisang means banana and goreng means fried. It’s basically banana fritters, which are yummy. Here they’re served with soy sauce that has been mixed with chilli. Yup, Malaysians love chilli. Again, this is a lot nicer than it sounds. It’s yummy. We usually have it for afternoon tea. Well, not all the time as the fritters are deep-fried, but that’s the time we usually have it. They also have jack fruit and tapioca fritters, but I think those are best left to the Malaysians because if you’re not used to the taste, you really won’t like them. I like them though, but I am Malaysian…

Moon Cake
This is Chinese. It’s a cake made from lotus seed paste. There are three different colors of paste: red, white and green, each with different level of flavour. The red one is the most common. The Chinese like to have ones with egg yolk in them (as in the yolk of a boiled egg), but I like them plain. The texture of the paste is not one many people from the West would like as there’s really nothing like it there. I love it though and it’s my favourite Chinese sweet/dessert. The paste is covered with a very thin layer of Chinese pastry, which is quite dense. This is yummy and I love it!

That’s it for now!

When We Are Ready

Now here's a big challenge for those of us waiting for the fulfilment of a promise from God:

"Blessed are all they that wait for him" (Isa 30:18).

We hear a great deal about waiting on God. There is, however, another side. When we wait on God, He is waiting till we are ready; when we wait for God, we are waiting till He is ready.

There are some people who say, and many more who believe, that as soon as we meet all the conditions, God will answer our prayers. They say that God lives in an eternal now; with Him there is no past nor future; and that if we could fulfill all that He requires in the way of obedience to His will, immediately our needs would be supplied, our desires fulfilled, our prayers answered.

There is much truth in this belief, and yet it expresses only one side of the truth. While God lives in an eternal now, yet He works out His purposes in time. A petition presented before God is like a seed dropped in the ground. Forces above and beyond our control must work upon it, till the true fruition of the answer is given.--The Still Small Voice

I longed to walk along an easy road,
And leave behind the dull routine of home,
Thinking in other fields to serve my God;
But Jesus said, "My time has not yet come."

I longed to sow the seed in other soil,
To be unfettered in the work, and free,
To join with other laborers in their toil;
But Jesus said, "'Tis not My choice for thee."

I longed to leave the desert, and be led
To work where souls were sunk in sin and shame,
That I might win them; but the Master said,
"I have not called thee, publish here My name."

I longed to fight the battles of my King,
Lift high His standards in the thickest strife;
But my great Captain bade me wait and sing
Songs of His conquests in my quiet life.

I longed to leave the uncongenial sphere,
Where all alone I seemed to stand and wait,
To feel I had some human helper near,
But Jesus bade me guard one lonely gate.

I longed to leave the round of daily toil,
Where no one seemed to understand or care;
But Jesus said, "I choose for thee this soil,
That thou might'st raise for Me some blossoms rare."

And now I have no longing but to do
At home, or else afar, His blessed will,
To work amid the many or the few;
Thus, "choosing not to choose," my heart is still.
--Selected

"And Patience was willing to wait."--Pilgrim's Progress

Walk Without Strain

A little piece of encouragement for you this morning:

"And he saw them toiling in rowing" (Mark 6:48).

Straining, driving effort does not accomplish the work God gives man to do. Only God Himself, who always works without strain, and who never overworks, can do the work that He assigns to His children. When they restfully trust Him to do it, it will be well done and completely done. The way to let Him do His work through us is to partake of Christ so fully, by faith, that He more than fills our life.

A man who had learned this secret once said: "I came to Jesus and I drank, and I do not think that I shall ever be thirsty again. I have taken for my motto, 'Not overwork, but overflow'; and already it has made all the difference in my life."

There is no effort in overflow. It is quietly irresistible. It is the normal life of omnipotent and ceaseless accomplishment into which Christ invites us today and always.--Sunday School Times

Be all at rest, my soul, O blessed secret,
Of the true life that glorifies thy Lord:
Not always doth the busiest soul best serve Him,
But he that resteth on His faithful Word.
Be all at rest, let not your heart be rippled,
For tiny wavelets mar the image fair,
Which the still pool reflects of heaven's glory--
And thus the image He would have thee bear.

Be all at rest, my soul, for rest is service,
To the still heart God doth His secrets tell;
Thus shalt thou learn to wait, and watch, and labor,
Strengthened to bear, since Christ in thee doth dwell.
For what is service but the life of Jesus,
Lived through a vessel of earth's fragile clay,
Loving and giving and poured forth for others,
A living sacrifice from day to day.

Be all at rest, so shalt thou be an answer
To those who question, "Who is God and where?"
For God is rest, and where He dwells is stillness,
And they who dwell in Him, His rest shalt share.
And what shall meet the deep unrest around thee,
But the calm peace of God that filled His breast?
For still a living Voice calls to the weary,
From Him who said, "Come unto Me and rest."
--Freda Hanbury Allen

"In resurrection stillness there is resurrection power."

My new favourite song

So, I was just flicking through the music channels this afternoon and stopped on MTV2 cos there was this video about a whole load of people with headphones on. I stopped and listened and it was the LOVELIEST song I have ever heard!! So, if you want to have 3 minutes of loveliness, please watch this video of Bright Eyes, First Day of My Life. It totally reminded me of Joel and Heather. Lovely, lovely, loveliness!

On another note, if you're not into lovey-dovey songs, and want a little bit of randomness and share in some Steph-giggliness, watch Ok Go's A Million Ways. Hee hee!

The End of our Strength

How much am I looking for proof, when all I should do is look to God and see that He who has promised is faithful. These old devotions are the best!

"Blessed are they that have not seen, and yet have believed" (John 20:29).

How strong is the snare of the things that are seen, and how necessary for God to keep us in the things that axe unseen! If Peter is to walk on the water he must walk; if he is going to swim, he must swim, but he cannot do both. If the bird is going to fly it must keep away from fences and the trees, and trust to its buoyant wings. But if it tries to keep within easy reach of the ground, it will make poor work of flying.

God had to bring Abraham to the end of his own strength, and to let him see that in his own body he could do nothing. He had to consider his own body as good as dead, and then take God for the whole work; and when he looked away from himself, and trusted God alone, then he became fully persuaded that what He had promised, He was able to perform. That is what God is teaching us, and He has to keep away encouraging results until we learn to trust without them, and then He loves to make His Word real in fact as well as faith.--A. B. Simpson

I do not ask that He must prove
His Word is true to me,
And that before I can believe
He first must let me see.
It is enough for me to know
'Tis true because He says 'tis so;
On His unchanging Word I'll stand
And trust till I can understand.
--E. M. Winter

Time heals

You know, I've often wondered why I have been given all this time. I realised this week that only that my body needs to heal, but my heart needs to too. Yes, having had cancer is a traumatic and an emotionally draining experience, but I've had a lot of time to think about past hurts. No, I haven't been dwelling in them, but I have realised that no matter how far away these things are in regard to time, they are still very much close at hand. A lot of these things have remained hidden because, quite frankly, I haven't had the time to deal with them. This stuff happened, then it was my finals, then I had a summer job, then I had a job and Japanese lessons, then I had my course, then, well, I had cancer. And it was a good thing. I don't think I can deal with the hurt I faced during cancer quite yet. It's still too close and I really feel like, "Woah, that happened to me?!" If it weren't for the scars, I don't think I'd believe it.

You know, I've hidden so much of this stuff and God really wants them uncovered. I'm glad. I think going to Japan or anywhere else with these things still holding me down would have hindered my walk with God and my work for God. I was saying to Kirsty that I felt stupid for letting things that happened over a year ago still bug me, and yeah, maybe some of you are thinking, "Get over it!" Well, that's the point God's making too. I have to get over it, but the only way I can do it is to deal with these things I've been suppressing. I prayed about them ages ago, but I never dealt with them. I never really even thought I should, but He's made it very clear that it really is the time for me to forgive, forget and leave these things in the past. They didn't kill me, they just made me stronger.

I really don't know why I hide the truth from God. I even try to find things that are too difficult for God. I fail, of course. :-) Nothing's too hard for Him, except maybe evil. I'm sure He must look at me fondly and say, "You know I made you slow, but not THAT slow". Yup, He knows and it's time I deal with it. Time I just let go and see the truth. I think it's going to be a bumpy road, but man, it is so time to get over it and move on, move forward and leave it at God's feet. I really feel so privileged that God has given me this time to deal with the past. Really blessed. Best put it to use then, eh?

No Solution in Sight

This devotion is a big challenge to me. I know that God's plan and timing are perfect. I know that God always fulfils His promises, but if I can't see how He'll do it, I just assume that I heard wrong. I forget that when God says He'll do something it is as good as done. God says, "Is anything too hard for the Lord?" (Gen 18:14).

"He went out, not knowing whither he went" (Heb. 11:9).

It is faith without sight. When we can see, it is not faith, but reasoning. In crossing the Atlantic we observed this very principle of faith. We saw no path upon the sea, nor sign of the shore. And yet day by day we were marking our path upon the chart as exactly as if there had followed us a great chalk line upon the sea. And when we came within twenty miles of land, we knew where we were as exactly as if we had seen it all three thousand miles ahead.

How had we measured and marked our course? Day by day our captain had taken his instruments and, looking up to the sky, had fixed his course by the sun. He was sailing by the heavenly, not the earthly lights.

So faith looks up and sails on, by God's great Sun, not seeing one shore line or earthly lighthouse or path upon the way. Often its steps seem to lead into utter uncertainty, and even darkness and disaster; but He opens the way, and often makes such midnight hours the very gates of day. Let us go forth this day, not knowing, but trusting.--Days of Heaven upon Earth

"Too many of us want to see our way through before starting new enterprises. If we could and did, from whence would come the development of our Christian graces? Faith, hope and love cannot be plucked from trees, like ripe apples. After the words 'In the beginning' comes the word 'God'! The first step turns the key into God's power-house, and it is not only true that God helps those who help themselves, but He also helps those who cannot help themselves. You can depend upon Him every time."

"Waiting on God brings us to our journey's end quicker than our feet."

The opportunity is often lost by deliberation.

40 lengths = 1km

I discovered today that 40 lengths of the pool I've been swimming in is a kilometre today. I'm excited at the thought that I can swim a kilolmetre! I managed to get to 42 lengths last week, but I think that I'll just stick to 40 since 1km is a good distance. I think it's 60 or 65 lengths that make a mile, but that's a little to adventurous for me. It would take me like an hour and a half! I think I spend far too much time there as it is...

I'm still finding it incredibly difficult to motivate myself to spend time with God. Why is that? I can't quite work it out because it's God! Why is it easier to spend time with friends or family? Goodness, why is it easier to watch TV? Everything in the last few months especially was supposed to bring me closer to Him and yet I can't make myself go sit and be with Him. It's totally ridiculous. Once again I feel like adulterous Gomer from Hosea. Why can't God be enough? Is it because I don't really know Him?

And why was it easier to trust God about cancer, but not about my personal life? Is it because cancer was so big, I just had to hand it over to Him? I totally know that if I had been spending time with God as I should have, I probably wouldn't be anxious or worried about my future. A lot of it is that I just don't have that much to do. You can only iron so long and dishes don't take that long to wash... I can't wait to start my course again. It'll be so great having something to do. I'll probably moan then about not having enough time, but hey... I find being content in the circumstance I'm in difficult. I think my underlying issue is that I just don't trust God and that's because I just don't know Him and I can't get to know Him if i don't spend time with Him, so here we are back to my struggle. Man, I just need to get over myself and spend time with Him!

Hmmm...

Hi! I'm sorry I haven't blogged anything about me or anything recently. Mainly I've been lazy, but also, there's not very much news. I'm fine. My hair is growing back quite quickly and my energy levels are getting better, though I've totally tired myself out this week. Pfff! But I'm still going swimming today. I've managed to get up 42 lengths in 50 mins, which I'm quite proud of though my hips and knees feel like jelly after. My tickets for Malaysia arrived yesterday, so I'm really excited about that. My dad has already planned a week away to the north of Malaysia at the end of September and my gran has already planned my birthday. I don't know what else I have in store except for moon cakes during the moon cake festival and other yummy food that you can only get in Malaysia and Singapore. :-)

As for God and I, I've been able to pray, but I have trouble motivating myself to do a proper Bible study, which is really unlike me because I used to devour the Bible to try and find out everything it was trying to tell me, but I couldn't pray then. Now I can pray, but I can't study the Bible. To be honest, I'm not doing very much to resolve the situation. I need to wake up earlier. That'll be a big help, but most days, I feel like I've got nothing to wake up for, not in a depressed sort of way, just I don't have anything to do that can't be done in the afternoon or the evening. I am helping my mum with housework more, but even then, I only have chores like ironing or washing dishes. But I need to change that, because I'd have tons of time to pray for as long as I'd like and study the Bible. I really need to change this attitude of almost total apathy.

I still can't believe I survived cancer. I know it really wasn't as dramatic as that because I was never at a point where I could've died because of it, but in essence, that's what happened - I survived cancer. By the grace of God, it was at an early stage and the cancer was removed during the surgery. I still can't get my head round that. I'm a worthless sinner like everyone else, so why was He so kind to me? Chemotherapy was horrible and recovering from surgery was annoying, but really, it wasn't all that bad. What did I lose - time, an ovary, my hair? All of that is God given anyway, so none of it was mine. God decided that I had that time to lose, my hair would grow back and now if I ever have chidren, they'll be even more special than to a woman with both ovaries. I am sooo not getting an epidural though because the issues after one are just not worth it!

I'll be glad to get out of Glasgow. I think it'll put everything in perspective, but still, it's too close to see how God and I have grown closer together. I want to say I love Him, but I know a lot of my life doesn't reflect that. I know He's working on it though, and that's enough.

A Simple Prayer

What an encouragement! Take God at His word:

"I believe God, that it shall be even as it was told me" (Acts 27:25).

I went to America some years ago with the captain of a steamer, who was a very devoted Christian. When off the coast of Newfoundland he said to me, "The last time I crossed here, five weeks ago, something happened which revolutionized the whole of my Christian life. We had George Mueller of Bristol on board. I had been on the bridge twenty-four hours and never left it. George Mueller came to me, and said, "Captain I have come to tell you that I must be in Quebec Saturday afternoon." "It is impossible," I said. "Very well, if your ship cannot take me, God will find some other way. I have never broken an engagement for fifty-seven years. Let us go down into the chart-room and pray."

I looked at that man of God, and thought to myself, what lunatic asylum can that man have come from? I never heard of such a thing as this. "Mr. Mueller," I said, "do you know how dense this fog is?" "No," he replied, "my eye is not on the density of the fog, but on the living God, who controls every circumstance of my life."

He knelt down and prayed one of the most simple prayers, and when he had finished I was going to pray; but he put his hand on my shoulder, and told me not to pray. "First, you do not believe He will answer; and second I BELIEVE HE HAS, and there is no need whatever for you to pray about it."

I looked at him, and he said, "Captain, I have known my Lord for fifty-seven years, and there has never been a single day that I have failed to get audience with the King. Get up, Captain and open the door, and you will find the fog gone." I got up, and the fog was indeed gone. On Saturday afternoon, George Mueller was in Quebec for his engagement.--Selected

"If our love were but more simple,
We should take Him at His word;
And our lives would be all sunshine,
In the sweetness of our Lord."

Sunrise is an act of God

Here's a wee devotion to remind us all that God is control of the world at every level. :-) (NB This is my 100th post!!)

Sunrise is an Act of God
By Elisabeth Elliot
Taken From: A Lamp For My Feet

The night sky, when I went to the front window this morning, was a clear dark blue, with a few sharp stars. Now, as it reddens toward dawn, a thick quilt of slate-colored cloud is moving over the whole sky, leaving only a strip of rose gold. But I am sure the sun will rise even though covered with a quilt.

We assume the sun will always rise. It always has. But it rises because God continues to will it so, not because it must in and of itself. I breathe, not because I am a smoothly functioning breathing machine, but because He who holds my breath in his hand wills me to breathe, as He wills the squirrel to breathe in the oak grove beside my house and the crow that perches in the scrub pine.

The will of God is not a given quantity. It is creative, dynamic, flowing action. Jesus participated in that action by submitting to the Will and moving with power along the "appointed way," according to the "appointed time," choosing the Father's will above his own.

The sun does no choosing. God chooses--every morning so far--to make it rise. Yet the Lord of the universe asks me to choose to follow Him--to participate, as Christ did, in the flowing action which is his ill. "Dwell in my love. If you heed my commands, you will dwell in my love, as I have heeded my Father's commands and dwell in His love" (Jn 15:10 NEB).

CELTA

Woohoo! I just found out that I'm definitely starting my course again in January! Yey! I do still have a fee of £700 to pay, so if you could pray it would be provided, that'll be much appreciated. But I know God will provide because He always does and He did last time.

Thanks!

You Can Trust

This is something we all need to reminded of. We can trust God for everything, but we always lose our focus and forget! Hope this encourages you today!

"Surrender your very selves to God as living men who have risen from the dead" (Romans 6:13). (Weymouth)

I went one night to hear an address on consecration. No special message came to me from it, but as the speaker kneeled to pray, he dropped this sentence: "O Lord, Thou knowest we can trust the Man that died for us." And that was my message. I rose and walked down the street to the train; and as I walked, I pondered deeply all that consecration might mean to my life and--I was afraid. And then, above the noise and clatter of the street traffic came to me the message: "You can trust the Man that died for you."

I got into the train to ride homeward; and as I rode, I thought of the changes, the sacrifices, the disappointments which consecration might mean to me and--I was afraid.

I reached home and sought my room, and there upon my knees I saw my past life. I had been a Christian, an officer in the church, a Sunday-school superintendent, but had never definitely yielded my life to God.

Yet as I thought of the darling plans which might be baffled, of the cherished hopes to be surrendered, and the chosen profession which I might be called upon to abandoned--I was afraid.

I did not see the better things God had for me, so my soul was shrinking back; and then for the last time, with a swift rush of convicting power, came to my innermost heart that searching message:

"My child, you can trust the Man that died for you. If you cannot trust Him whom can you trust?"

That settled it for me, for in a flash I saw that the Man who so loved me as to die for me could be absolutely trusted with all the concerns of the life He had saved.

Friend, you can trust the Man that died for you. You can trust Him to baffle no plan which is not best to be foiled, and to carry out every one which is for God's glory and your highest good. You can trust Him to lead you in the path which is the very best in this world for you.--J H. McC

"Just as I am, thy love unknown,
Has broken every barrier down,
Now to be Thine, yea, Thine ALONE,
O Lamb of God, I come!"

Love

Well, I've been pondering it over the last couple of days especially because of all the weddings and new and budding relationships. Christian weddings are so lovely because it's real. The couple mean their vows and know exactly what they're going into. They also have God in the centre of it and it is their love for God that keeps them together. But I haven't just been thinking about romantic love, but love in a lot of senses. Love in its wider sense has been on and off my mind for the last few years at uni, but especially since going to the Thursday night Bible study a couple of weeks ago when Matt was talking about 1 Peter 4:7-11. The verse that stuck in my mind was verse 8, "Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers a multitude of sins." I know from all the married ladies I know that deeply as they love their husbands, sometimes it's hard to put this command into practice, but we're to love everyone! Not just our spouses, friends or families. Goodness!

Anyway... It is a difficult and challenging subject, so I looked at what God says, starting of course with 1 Corinthians 13:4-8a: "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."

Romans 13:8-10: "Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for he who loves his fellow man has fulfilled the law. The commandments, 'Do not commit adultery', 'Do not murder', 'Do not steal', 'Do not covet', and whatever other commandment there may be, are summed up in this one rule: 'Love your neighbour as yourself'. Love does no harm to its neighbour. Therefore love is the fulfilment of the law."

1 John 4:16-21: "And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. In this way, love is made complete among us so that we may have confidence on the day of judgement, because in this world we are like him. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. We love because he first loved us. If anyone says, 'I love God', yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen. And he has given us this command: Whoever loves God must also love his brother."

John 13:35, 36: "A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another."

John 14:15; 21: "If you love me, you will obey what I command.... Whoever has my commands and obeys them, he is the one who loves me. He who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I too will love him and show myself to him."

And, in relation to romantic love, this challenges me most as I seek to trust God about my future: Song of Songs 2:7, "Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you by the gazelles and the does of the field: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires."

Of course, the Bible says TONS more about love, but I haven't looked at all of it and certainly, each passage needs a lot of pondering by itself and would be too much for a blog entry. Goodness! It is all too much! What a gift, but how I abuse it. As the passage in Romans states, it's loving genuinely that enables us to fulfil the law. My conclusion is I should pray and ask God to help me love people because I can't even love those close me the way I'm supposed to. Until then, I have a lot more pondering to do....

Swimming and Old Men

So, as many of you know, I have a new hobby - swimming. I've really enjoyed it and would like to go everyday, but for some reason or other haven't managed more than 3 days a week, which I know is good in itself. Anyway, I couldn't help remarking to myself that I always seem in some way or another to annoy the old men that almost certainly share the slow lane with me. I'm not entirely sure why. Maybe it's because I swim faster than them? Or maybe they can't work out why a young person is in the same lane as them? And as for the Asian old men, I think they're just bewildered by me, a bald, Asian, young woman. I don't think there are many of us, if any - other than me, of course. I am still amused though that everytime I've gone swimming, I've annoyed or bewildered at least one old man. And to be honest, they're sometimes the ones at fault...

As for the old women that end up in that lane, they are no trouble at all. They don't seem to bat an eyelid about me. But then, there are hardly ever women in my lane. I think I remember 3 that stayed there the whole time. Most of them move. Mainly because of the Asian old men; they tend to hog the lane a little and most of time they don't swim, but rather gather at one end or the other - the deep end is their favourite - and talk. I just stay cos I'm stubborn, and it's also easier to swim multiple lengths when it's continuous - for me, at least.

Anyway, if all is well, I shall go tomorrow morning as well. Who knows who I'll annoy tomorrow?

Oh, I had my first check up since chemo yeaterday. Everything was fine. They did a blood test, but I expect that I won't get any results unless it's bad news. I found out that there's an 80% chance that the cancer will re-occur within the first year after chemo, if it is going to re-occur at all. That's why they want to see me every month, so they can catch it early. After the first year, there's an 85% chance that it won't come back at all. Oh, and I think this is just true for the type of tumour I had - the germ cell tumour. So, there you go. Let's see what this year brings. I suppose chemo won't be as long as before this next time, but it'll be so annoying to put off Japan again and have nothing to do. Ah well... You have to do what God wants. Anyway... I'll cross that bridge if I come to it. :-)

God is Not Unobservant

This is something that we all need to remember in times of difficulty:

"I will be still, and I will behold in my dwelling place" (Isa. 18:4, RV).

Assyria was marching against Ethiopia, the people of which are described as tall and smooth. And as the armies advance, God makes no effort to arrest them; it seems as though they will be allowed to work their will. He is still watching them from His dwelling place, the sun still shines on them; but before the harvest, the whole of the proud army of Assyria is smitten as easily as when sprigs are cut off by the pruning hook of the husbandman.

Is not this a marvelous conception of God--being still and watching? His stillness is not acquiescence. His silence is not consent. He is only biding His time, and will arise, in the most opportune moment, and when the designs of the wicked seem on the point of success, to overwhelm them with disaster. As we look out on the evil of the world; as we think of the apparent success of wrong-doing; as we wince beneath the oppression of those that hate us, let us remember these marvelous words about God being still and beholding.

There is another side to this. Jesus beheld His disciples toiling at the oars through the stormy night; and watched though unseen, the successive steps of the anguish of Bethany, when Lazarus slowly passed through the stages of mortal sickness, until he succumbed and was borne to the rocky tomb. But He was only waiting the moment when He could interpose most effectually. Is He still to thee? He is not unobservant; He is beholding all things; He has His finger on thy pulse, keenly sensitive to all its fluctuations. He will come to save thee when the precise moment has arrived. --Daily Devotional Commentary

Whatever His questions or His reticences, we may be absolutely sure of an unperplexed and undismayed Saviour.

"O troubled soul, beneath the rod,
Thy Father speaks, be still, be still;
Learn to be silent unto God,
And let Him mould thee to His will.

"O praying soul, be still, be still,
He cannot break His plighted Word;
Sink down into His blessed will,
And wait in patience on the Lord.

"O waiting soul, be still, be strong,
And though He tarry, trust and wait;
Doubt not, He will not wait too long,
Fear not, He will not come too late."
- Mrs Cowman

April to June

Here endeth the saga:

Ok, I’ve been avoiding writing about chemotherapy because, frankly, I didn’t like it. I didn’t particularly like surgery and recovering from it, but chemotherapy was just awful – especially the first time.

Well, so at the end of March, I went back to Ward 24 to see Dr Davis and Sister Bredin to find out the results from pathology about my tumour/cyst/teratoma. They said it was malignant, but that it was at an early stage just turning into the middle stage and that they were relieved that it hadn’t yet developed brain tissue. This is my favourite part of the whole saga – brain tissue in my teratoma. Beautiful! It is both fascinating and utterly disgusting at the same time. Anyway, Sister Bredin told me which drugs I would have for chemotherapy and said it would just be a day patient at Ward 4C at Gartnavel and I would have 4 treatments spread over 12 weeks. But when I finally met Dr Reed, I found it was not quite the case. Dr Reed said that I’d be going to the Beatson at the Western and be admitted 3-4 days at a time and then have to go to Ward 4C the two following Mondays to get a booster injection of Bleomycin. I was a little disappointed, but when he said that young women around my age "sail through chemotherapy", I was appeased.

So, as you know, chemotherapy started on 10 April and on the 8th, I had shaved my head. It was all ok until the Bleomycin was put in. Yuck! I had really weird diarrhoea. Not nice! And then I had that weird, horrible 24-hour stomach bug the weekend after that made me throw up what smelled like poo. Even better! And then, when I was in Ward 4C, I nearly passed out and threw up again before my injection. Chemotherapy just did not start off very well at all. The second treatment was fine. I don’t really remember much about it. It was the third one that was awful and I won’t talk about it because I’ve already written about it in great detail. I’m very thankful it was my last.

Well, I am amused that throughout my treatment I lived up to the name of Peer, as I filled many a shell of my urine, which they needed to measure to monitor my kidney function, as Cisplatin could have damaged my kidneys. As you may have gathered, my kidneys were absolutely fine. Also, I was amused that nothing at all was private in the ward (not even your bowel function), and once I’d lost my hair, a couple of old ladies mistook me for a man in the ladies’ toilet. Lovely! And, I was amused at my crazy appetite throughout treatment, which gave me the hunger of ten men for three or four days after coming out of the Beatson.

As for God and I, we suffered a bit throughout this time. I always picked up with my Bible study and quiet times by the time I was to be re-admitted into Ward F3, but then it suffered again. Time and again, I’ve heard people tell me not to be too hard on myself since chemotherapy was pretty harsh and tired me out so much. Ok, I accept that and I’m very thankful that people prayed for me when I couldn’t pray for myself. Thank you.

Now, when I look back, I think God was quiet because He wanted me to trust Him. He’d already been so good to me throughout surgery and recovery, but now He was silent and seemed to have drawn away, but as I can see now, He was always there. He just wanted to see if I trusted Him. I think I did most of the time, though sometimes I was moody and grumpy about chemotherapy. The whole thing was a lesson of trust and to show me that when I had Him, I didn’t need to be afraid of anything. Not even cancer! To be honest, I am still learning this lesson as I said a couple of posts ago. It is a difficult one and one I will probably always be learning. But also there are probably a lot of things about these last 6 months that I won’t see till later on as I’m still too close to it all. But like all the difficult times I’ve had, I’ll look back at it and be grateful because it made me a stronger woman and brought me closer to God. So I’ll praise God in advance for bringing me closer to the woman He wants me to be. Amen.

Hair update

Woohoo! I have hair! It's really fine and soft like a baby's and it's not really all that long, but it's there. Yey!

Elijah Watched and Waited

Woo! This is exactly what I was on about a couple of days ago! Well, not 'exactly', but of the same line of thought...

"It came to pass after a while, that the brook dried up, because there had been no rain in the land" (1 Kings 17:7).

Week after week, with unfaltering and steadfast spirit, Elijah watched that dwindling brook; often tempted to stagger through unbelief, but refusing to allow his circumstances to come between himself and God. Unbelief sees God through circumstances, as we sometimes see the sun shorn of his rays through smoky air; but faith puts God between itself and circumstances, and looks at them through Him. And so the dwindling brook became a silver thread; and the silver thread stood presently in pools at the foot of the largest boulders; and the pools shrank. The birds fled; the wild creatures of field and forest came no more to drink; the brook was dry. Only then to his patient and unwavering spirit, "the word of the Lord came, saying, Arise, get thee to Zarephath."

Most of us would have gotten anxious and worn with planning long before that. We should have ceased our songs as soon as the streamlet caroled less musically over its rocky bed; and with harps swinging on the willows, we should have paced to and fro upon the withering grass, lost in pensive thought. And probably, long ere the brook was dry, we should have devised some plan, and asking God's blessing on it, would have started off elsewhere.

God often does extricate us, because His mercy endureth forever; but if we had only waited first to see the unfolding of His plans, we should never have found ourselves landed in such an inextricable labyrinth; and we should never have been compelled to retrace our steps with so many tears of shame. Wait, patiently wait! --F. B. Meyer