So... I haven't written in 5 months!!! Woah! Not sure if anyone even reads this anymore, but just in case... :D

My life has TOTALLY changed over the last few months. Really great! I actually have one now and with the sun shining and it being warm, being happy is not at all difficult. Life's not all work and no play. There's work and there's play. If I'm honest, I only have one real friend here, but there are other people who are becoming more than acquaintances and loads of fun people to hang out with, but my uni experience has taught me that that these people aren't long term friends. Still, nice to have them around for the time being. :)

I've started going to church again - one full of Americans, would you believe it?! Guess I haven't learned that lesson... :D Well, what I like about this pastor is the fact that he's one of us. He doesn't come across as proud or superior to us. He doesn't patronise. He stresses both God's grace and God's hatred of the sin in us. He doesn't make me feel guilty or inadequate constantly. He reminds us all that Jesus is sufficient to overcome all our sin and weaknesses. He doesn't force us to conform to his idea of what a Christian is. It's all between us and God and he merely points us to God and reminds us of who He is and what He's said to us through the Bible. I don't feel like I'm being groomed or programmed to think like the majority. Though he is challenging and thought-provoking - I just don't feel judged.

I even hung out with some Christians after church a couple of weeks ago, but I've got a long way to go yet before I let any of them into my life... Shame... But the big thing is that being around Christians in big numbers no longer makes me feel scared and uncomfortable as hell and having some teaching to think about is really good.

I tried to mend some relationships with some people I knew at Calvary. I started with the Petersens. I thought if it worked out, I would try with the McGoldricks and the Keys as well. And then maybe some people from CU. But it's now been 3 months and I haven't heard back from the Petersens, so I guess four years of my life and love were just wasted. That hurts, but I am slowly getting over it. It was a hard lesson to learn. You're always taught that it's the non-Christians who'll take advantage of you and only take and not give, but honestly, from my experience, the Christians are the ones who are guilty of this. The very people who are supposed to love, care for and help you in your Christian life, do not. Non-Christians are actually more loyal friends in the end. Not all of them, of course and not all Christians are users either... Just the ones I chose to care about at church and some from CU.

Harsh? Well, I have to be. I loved these people dearly and I served them wholeheartedly and they're treatment of me led me to doubt my relationship with God, doubt the trustworthiness of God and doubt the necessity of being a Christian. After my experience of Calvary and CU, I really thought, 'Well, if this is what a Christian is, I don't want to be one'. What I have to be grateful for is the Christians in my life who were genuine, who really cared about me, who accepted me where I was, who prayed and are still praying for me to find my way back to God, who never tried to groom me into what their idea of a Christian is and who never let me feel judged or inadequate. To these people, I am grateful because if I hadn't had these people in my life, I probably would have just walked away from God and Christianity forever.

I guess this is the first time I've spoken about it this way. I feel I can talk to God now because I have stopped being so angry and hurt. God will deal with my attitude and these people in time. He knows why it all happened and what I have to work through to leave it all behind me and to move forward into a renewed relationship with Him. I am still a long way from committing to Him 100% unfortunately. I'm still wary, but slowly I'm taking steps in the right direction. He hasn't forgotten about me. :)

So, that's where I'm at.

Berlin!

So, finally, after years of waiting around, I've started travelling. You could argue that I started that last year with Prague, Regensburg, Banska Bystrica and the Tatras, but it feels real this time. Mainly because it's comfortable and money isn't a struggle. The only disappointment is the lack of banter in the hostels. The last couple of times I've stayed in hostels, there've always been people up for doing things at night, but not here. I don't know if it's because it's been so cold or because of the type of people around. I have a feeling it's a bit of both. Ah well... It doesn't matter anyway cos I'll be with Sandra in Cologne and I'll finally have some banter. :)

Ok, so, I wanted to tell you about Berlin. It was amazing! First of all, it's HUGE!! And it feels it. Though Munich's pretty big, it doesn't feel like it at all. In Berlin, EVERYTHING is big and the train stations are so complicated! Just ordinary stops are difficult to get around and you should see the main station! It's on like FOUR or FIVE FLOORS!! I've never seen anything like it! It's a super MEGA city! I mean I've been to Budapest and Vienna, which are pretty big and even Hamburg is BIG, but the main stations are NOTHING like in Berlin. It was like a whole other world in itself.

Other than being big though, it was actually very beautiful. I had no real idea what to expect, but it wasn't what I expected at all. My student, Alex, said that Berlin was dirty and unsafe and not all that nice, but I think he was being typically Bavarian - they don't like the north much. :) I obviously didn't get to see all of it and what I did see on the walking tour concentrated mainly on the historical sights. That was enough I suppose. I did want to see more, but it was too cold and it got dark really quickly, so there were a couple of things I wanted to do that I didn't get an opportunity to do. Anyway, yeah, compared to Munich, it was a little dirty and not as pretty, but it was pretty safe. Other than a strange man on the underground who was chatting me up and a drunk, homeless man saying that since it was a beautiful day, I shouldn't be a Christian because he didn't want me to die - yeah, I had trouble understanding that too - I had no problems.

Unlike Munich though, where buildings aren't that high because of the law saying that no building can be higher than a church spire - there are a couple of exceptions - there are plenty of tall, TALL buildings and most of them are only 18 years old - especially in the east. I think the Germans have done a fantastic job of rebuilding the bombed buildings over the last few decades and almost all of it looks pretty much like it did in the past. Of course new shops and places like McDonalds and KFC kinda bring you back to the present, but you can almost imagine what it was like. The most amazing thing was being at the sights as the guide repeated German, particularly Berlin's, history.

The most surprising thing though was the Berlin wall. I guess I was expecting something similar to the wall separating Israel and Palestine. That one is HUGE and very, very oppressive. But the Berlin wall is actually not that high at all and not very oppressive. I think it was more the death strip with guard towers and orders to shoot on sight on the east side that was the oppressive and scary part.

I was really moved when I was in Berlin by Germany's history. What I think is really tragic is the big scar that the Nazis have left on Germany and I don't think it's one that will ever heal. The Germans obviously don't want it to heal because they want to be reminded never to let something like that happen again. But I think they also want this to be a reminder for the whole world. Still though, because of this scar that will forever be present, no one German can ever really say that they are proud to be German, which I think is really sad. If Berlin is anything to go by, Germany has a lot to be proud of. In 18 years, it has re-developed and become one of the most happening, dynamic cities in Europe and it doesn't even look like 90% of it was destroyed in WWII! That's impressive. Also, there is this great feeling of optimism where there's been such oppression in the past. I wish more people could see it and realise that there is more to Germany and the Germans than just their Nazi past.

Other than the walking tour, I also went to the film museum, which was really interesting. Of course, a large part of it was dedicated to Marlene Dietrich, which is understandable. I was surprised there was no mention of Nosferatu though. I thought that was German... But anyway, it was interesting to see how the Nazis also affected film and how terrible it was for actors and actresses who were Jewish or married to Jews. It was so sad to hear how they suffered and how almost all of them who weren't fortunate enough to make it to Hollywood died in all those concentration camps. It's hard to imagine that in this day and age when the rich and famous seem to be exempt from everything. I also tried to go to the Pergamon museum, which is pretty famous, but the que was so long and it was getting very cold by that point that I didn't wait. It'll have to wait to another time I guess. :)

Needless to say, it's made me fall in love with Germany that bit more. :) I've never been happier about my decision at 11 to learn German instead of French. Now I know plenty of French speakers feel that way about France - I won't hold that against them. ;-) As much as I'd love to go to Japan, right now, the thought of leaving Germany is completely incomprehensible. I'm glad I signed a 2-year contract. :D Now get off your backside and come see for yourself!!

I think I finally understand why couples are so introverted and once they've found each other seem to only need each other or be in danger of imploding if they are away from each other for any length of time. It's what we all crave and desire more than anything - someone to love us for all that we are and to need us; also someone to trust and depend on. If I'm honest, that's exactly what I want. More than anything, I want someone to value me and to take care of me. I'm beginning to wonder f other than my mum, there is ever going to be anyone. I love my mum more than I can begin to describe, but I think you know that the kind o thing I really, really want is more than a mother's love. My friends have all moved on and in a day, I'm going to be spending time with a bunch of my friends who have mostly all found their other halves. Where's mine? Am I not good enough to have one? Is it ever going to be my turn?!

Man, I'm so stupid to have thought that Paul could be anything like that. He was so sweet and romantic. How was I to know that it'd all be over as soon as it began? And now he won't even talk to me and why? That, thankfully, is not just something I can't understand, but other folk can't either, so I don't feel entirely stupid. He was so helpful when I was looking for a flat and now nothing. Not even a response to a merry Christmas message, which is downright rude to be honest. It's not like I was bugging him and annoying him. I gave him space and well, now he clearly doesn't even have any desire to even be civil. That hurts a lot. The first guy to have been so lovely and to have taken an interest in me and it lasted about as long as a deep breath. Kinda made me feel like there's no hope.

Ok, so I guess that's not entirely true. Just have to wait and see. I'm just beginning to live the life I've wanted to for so long. It's only a matter of time, right? :S

Out of sight is out of mind

This holiday has really shown me how true this statement is. When  I lived in Glasgow, especially when I was at uni, I had soooooo many friends. I've been back in Glasgow for 2 and a half weeks and the only person who's made an effort to see me is Katherine. Fair enough, most of my friends have left Glasgow now and some of them weren't around because of the time of year, but if I'm honest, other than Pete, Rosie, Kirsty and Katherine, who have I got now in Glasgow? Who have I got anywhere, really? What happened to all my friends?

I know I left the country, but with Facebook, Skype, email, etc. I'm sure I could be contacted, but even people from church that I invested a lot of my heart into haven't even asked how I am or how I'm getting on or anything. It's kinda sad because I thought at the time that I was investing in life long friendships. I see now just how rare they are and how right Kirsty was. I've been so naive!

I just hope that I don't lose any more friends because I'm running low as it is! :(

Christmas 2008

When I think about this time last year, it's hard to remember what I was thinking or feeling. All I remember is that I was so happy and relieved that Ruth had finally left. I'd had a really good class that I loved and I'd made a Slovak friend - Eva. As far as teaching and making friends at work went, the situation wasn't as good as it is now with Munich. I'd finally gotten used to the teaching and I was better and more confident than when I started, but I didn't feel as settled and happy as I do now in my job, but I liked it all the same because I knew that it could only get better after Ruth - and it did. And I also remember how strange it felt being home last year and how I felt much more at home in Bratislava. That is all so weird to me now because now, a year later, as much as I love Munich and my job and flat, home feels like home again. But it did again once I came back from Bratislava, so that makes sense. :)

So much has happened this year already. So many unexpected, lovely and horrible things. In this year, I've been to 4 countries already - Slovakia, Czech Republic, Germany and Austria. Also, I was in England for a month, but that I guess doesn't really count... Or maybe it does... I don't know. I've also had 3 jobs. Thinking about all that has happened since this time last year makes me feel overwhelmed! I'm now relieved that I'm staying on in Munich for 2 years and this time next year, I can only feel more settled in my job, but also, I'll feel more settled in Munich as a whole and I'll feel like I actually live there. It was easier in Bratislava because it's so small, but Munich is HUGE - it doesn't feel like it, but it is! It's lovely though and I'm glad I moved there.

I've met some really nice people and a couple of realistic Christians and that's helped me in the past few weeks. People who really understand what I went through with CU and my church and who I don't feel have judged me and have made me feel that I can go back and fit in again. That's been great. I still don't feel ready to go back to church full time, but I know now that I'm moving in that direction and I feel good about it.

Generally, over the last couple of years, I've started to feel happier about myself. I've always had self-esteem issues, but somehow, the church made it worse. I'm happy with the way I look now and it's such a relief not having to feel guilty about everything and not having to analyse every motive before deciding to do something. I'm happy with who I am as a whole, which is something I was never able to feel as a Christian. It's a relief! But now I feel ready to accept that I still need God, but maybe I just don't Christians in the same way as I did before. And that's a healthier place to be, I think. I've stopped being bitter and angry, so I've moved forward and the only way I think I can go is back to God, who accepts me for exactly all that I am in a way I know from experience a lot of Christians haven't done and aren't able to do. But it makes me love Jesus all the more because He knows exactly how terrible I am and loves me anyway. It's been good to find out that my closest friends are like that and to find 2 more in Munich.

So, next year, there's a lot of good to look forward to. And a lot more lovely, unexpected and horrible things too. I just hope that these last couple of weeks of this year will see me being able to move on from the hurts of this last year so I can look forward to what's coming in the next one. I know now things - in general - can only get better. So here's to that! Bring on the new year! :D

I'm soooo tired!! I actually have a class to teach at 5pm, but it's a Friday!! Who wants to do anything at 5pm on a Friday but go home?! I'm hoping that she will either cancel a lot or will change her time. Goodness! I've been given the responsibility of replenishing some materials, so I was doing that today, which was fine up to apoint and now I've just been planning for my lessons on Monday and I feel completely braindead and definitely in no mood to teach for an hour and a half. :( Ah well... I really hope she moves it to an earlier time - even 4pm on a Friday would be better...

Anyway, nothing new really except that facebook is refusing to work on our work computers for some reason and it has been for a week! But at least I have the internet at home too.

I just can't wait to get home to be able to rest. Tomorrow my wardrobe's arriving so I can finally unpack. It'll be good to feel properly settled. Man, I feel like such an old woman. :(

I haven't written for ages because I've been really busy. There've been loads of extra classes, but the good news is that I might be getting a bonus for the extra hours I've done. Won't get it till my January pay though. :( But still...

Work's been going very well. Just had my observation feedback today and it was positive. Got a few things to work on, but my boss said I showed a lot of potential and she was impressed at my self-awareness. She said in a couple of ways, I was very good for someone who was a new teacher. I really liked my boss's feedback because it wasn't patronising and she was very straightforward, down to earth and helpful.

In other news, I love my students. German students are LOVELY and not at all like the hard-faced business people I was expecting. They have such a great sense of humour and most of them are so motivated to learn English. And I'm starting to really love Munich. It's just a shame that I've been so tired recently that I haven't been able to do more and meet more people. I have, however, got a language exchange partner and she's helping me to practise German.

I'm really glad I came here and so I guess it wasn't such a bad thing meeting Paul though it makes me sad that it never came to anything. Though if I'm really honest, I would never have thought about Munich if it hadn't been for him and also, I've got a lot more out of it than I expected. It still makes me sad thought. But time's a healer and even if it doesn't heal the pain, it gradually fades and eventually all you have is a memory and it can even make you smile.

One day.

Happiness and Expectations

Emma says, "You have to make yourself happy. You can't rely on other people to make you happy." And although she doesn't live by this principal herself, it got me thinking - what's make me happy? Here's a list off the top of my head:

... Doing a good job and being recognised for it

... Sleeping

.... Being all cosy in my pyjamas and watching a DVD in bed

...  Being hugged

... Listening to music

... Dancing in my bedroom with my music on full blast on my iPod

... Going to see a band live

... Being around people who make me laugh

... Cycling

That's all I can think of for now.... Well, I guess only four of those have to do with other people, so it's not all bad. It's just that having to be alone for any length of time makes me unhappy, so at some point I'm going to have to rely on other people to make me happy. Hmmm... I guess that's not really point that Emma was getting at anyway. I just shouldn't be unhappy because other people don't meet my expectations.

Anyway... I'm not unhappy. It's just that being locked out made me miss my friends because I realised that I had no one I could call to help. Well, I did, but the only phone numbers I know off by heart are my mum's, Jonathan's, Marji's and maybe Pete's and none of those people could be of any help anyway since they're not here. Ah well... It just made me miss them and strangely, I never thought I's ever think it, CU folk as well. Can you believe it? I miss my Christian friends from CU - even some of the ones that a couple of months ago I couldn't think about because they upset me! I guess I have moved on! Who knows? This time next year I might be going to church again? Well, one day at a time....

With regard to expectations, Emma says mine are far too high and unrealistic. She's probably right about that. Most of the time my expectations ARE unrealistic, but I've been spoiled because I have friends that meet them - not all of them, of course, because they're ridiculous (the expectations, I mean). My main expectation is to be valued and respected. I expect to be recognised for who I am and to be appreciated because I do a lot for people and I want to not be taken for granted. But as I've learned the hard way, people don't always appreciate you and they almost always take you for granted. That's sad, but I also think that because that has happened to me, I expect it too fast and so I'm disappointed.

And I think Pete's right too - I have been running away in a sense trying to find some 'happy', but what I see now is I should be. I have at least 6 people in the world who know me incredibly well and they love and appreciate me for exactly who and what I am - even though I've been ridiculously stupid at times and not been the good, old Steph. They've not judged me and left me to it even though I've gone against what they formerly thought of me. This is what should be important. It doesn't matter if the whole world doesn't notice me because the 6 most important people to me do. So now, I have to learn to be content to be here and not expect any more. I'll try...

I miss men! When I was at uni, I had HEAPS of male friends. It was great! A whole load of different type of men as well. Constantly being around women ALL THE TIME is driving me nuts! I mean, if I wanted to spend any time outside of work with a guy, it would have to be a date. When did it change? Just because we're not at uni anymore means we can't hang out with guys? Why?!

I miss banter! I miss listening to boys going on and on about some technical rubbish that I really don't understand. I miss my boys from CU! Now I only have 2. :( And they live so far away - ok, so technically I'm the one who moved away. Then Jonathan moved to Southampton and now Pete's in Liverpool. Well, I'm in Munich anyway, so...

I don't want a boyfriend. I just want a bunch of guys to hang out with. It's different than hanging out with girls. I kinda feel like I'm sick and tired of it. I need some men! Any suggestions of how can I have some banter with boys without them thinking I want them to be my boyfriend?! :(

So I finally got a bike today. I still find it difficult to start and stop. Especially when I have to wait at traffic lights and then ride again. Hopefully I'll get used to it, otherwise I might end up in an accident! Feels good to be on a bike though. Also, there's a section on the website I use to find out public transport times that gives you routes to use on the bike. You can choose anything from the shortest route to green routes, where it directs you via parks and avenues so it's pretty. I chose one that took me from my flat to a bike shop that I know and it was really pretty. It said it'd take me 26 minutes, but in reality it was more like 45! But I guess that was all the stopping at traffic lights and checking my directions. It didn't take as long going back. But I needed a bike lock, so I thought it'd be best if I cycled to bike shop instead of leaving my bike somewhere and then coming back with my lock only to have it stolen! :D

Think the weather's going to be nice tomorrow too so I might go for another bike ride. There's a park not too far from my flat - like 2 mins on a bike - so I might just cycle round that. I had to go through it today on the way to the bike shop. It should be a lot less tiring than today! :) Plus, it's nice to have a little exercise and be able to explore the area round my flat at the same time. It's a shame that the weather's going to get worse soon though, but hopefully there'll be the occasional sunny day that isn't too cold. :)

I don't know if this is the same with you, but sometimes I feel things so strongly that I feel like I'm going to burst. Right now, what I feel is really, really happy for Rosie and Dave. I spent about half an hour on facebook chatting to Dave about his ups and downs with Rosie and I felt in me every sympathy pang I could and then I was so happy about the end that I actually nearly burst out crying!! 

Dave is one of the loveliest men I know - unfortunately, I only know a few, but Dave is definitely one of them. I remember Dave when I first met him and he was so quiet and he seemed to not have any confidence at all, but the last couple of years at uni, he really came out of his shell and - I don't know if you can use this term with a man, but he - blossomed. I feel so sad that I missed out on it because I was part of his quiet life. At least, I'd like to think I was... Haha! I remember hearing of the Rosie and Dave saga and feeling so sorry that Rosie didn't seem to feel what she should for him. But then, you can't force these things on people. Hah!

Anyway... It's all good now. And I'm really happy for them. But if I'm really honest, I'm happy for Dave most of all. Not just because Rosie's lovely, but because he got what he deserved. After all that heartache, there was such a blessing for him and it took years and years of it! I'm so happy that he's finally happy and I wish them both a long and happy future. :)

The other thing is somewhat selfish: I'm happy that I'm happy for them. Genuinely so because it moves me to tears that they're together. It means I can start to love again after all. I thought I'd lost the capacity to genuinely care for people other than my mum, brother, Marjo, Mim, Jonathan, Pete and Katherine. But my heart's open to Rosie and Dave too. And I hope it'll open up more and more so that I can be the loving, caring Steph I used to be. That'll be nice.

This whole thing has given me hope - hope that I can get back to the way I was, but also hope that maybe I'll be able to find happiness like Dave did. :) Sometimes years of heartache pay off after all. Here's hoping!!

Munich

I'm really happy here. I mean, it's not like I wake up every morning with a smile on my face and thank God that I lived long enough to live in Munich or anything. And also, it's not like I was seriously unhappy before, though to be honest, I was quite unhappy just before I left for Bratislava, so I'm glad I did go.

I wish I could meet some Germans who aren't my students though, but that's proving difficult. I have met a couple through my friend Emma, but yeah, I just need to give myself time. I think it's just cos I have so many things going well already that I expect all the other things to follow in the same speed - all other things being German friends and friends outside of work. But my job is good and my flat is good and my students are lovely and the money will be good in a couple of months when I get a full month's pay!

I can't believe how good it is here, but then, it's only the beginning. Maybe in a couple of years when my contract is finished, I'll hate it, but I can't see why I would right now cos it's lovely. But yeah, early days and all.

Hmmm... That's really all. I'm happy and content here. Think it's going to be a good 2 years for me personally but also for my career.

So I guess that since I have the internet at home and all, I don't have an excuse not to blog. But also this is an excuse to ramble on to a somewhat captive audience. Get ready for those deep thoughts:

When I was at uni, involved with church and CU, I had TONS of friends. I had people around me all the time and there was always something to do or something to be involved in. I had so many people that I cared about. And I mean, genuinely. I really loved these people and now I see that that was a mistake. I wasn't careful with who I felt what for and now I'm really hurt and I can't face going back into that environment because I don't want to be sucked into that again. I realise now that I shouldn't have opened myself up so completely and I really should have held back. It's just that I thought these other people were genuine and really did love me back, but it might have just been a deep sense of fondness at the time, but nothing that had any roots, which is clear now that only 3 of my closest Christian friends are still in contact with me whether I take the initiative or not.

That really hurt, you know. I've kept it inside of me for so long, but it's made me so bitter and cynical and it's driven me away from the church and especially Christians. I just find it so difficult to understand how a group of people who are supposed to love you and care about you don't. Ok, this is a BIG generalisation, but it's hard to be specific without naming specific people and unfortunately, I have a big long list. 

Also, since being out in the 'world', I've learned just how clueless some Christians really are. They want to reach out to this world, but they don't know anything about it! They just have a vague idea. Almost like my knowledge of Australia, which is mainly from Neighbours and definitely not representative of real life there.

No, this is going totally wrong... I don't want to bad mouth Christians. I just finally want to talk about this. It's taken so long! And I am so put off by this experience that I want to do EVERYTHING but go back to the church and hanging out with Christians. 

I want to be a Christian again. I loved God, I really did. I prayed almost everyday and I loved the Bible and I love studying it and talking about it and I loved learning more about it because it brought me closer to God. I miss it! Now he's a complete stranger to me. Now the Bible is just a long collection of words that mean nothing to me. I have NO idea how to get back to where I was with God. Though I guess, it can't be because I've changed.

Do you know how hard this is? People keep telling me just to pray or just start reading the Bible, but I can't. I really can't! It's like looking at someone you used to love deeply and feeling absolutely nothing. Can you imagine how guilty I feel not being able to love God? I feel like such a hypocrite even touching the Bible. I know how it used to feel and I know what it was like to really be close to God. We really did have a relationship and any attempt to 're-establish' that just feels like play acting. And I can't give myself over to God 100% because I don't want to, so I feel like until I can do that, what's the point?

I've spent so much of my life being a Christian or at least being in a Christian environment. In a very real way, I feel much freer outside of it. I like myself more because I'm less self-righteous, I'm more open to people and I'm less judgmental. Otherwise, I'm pretty much the same me. I don't know. I want to go back to God, but I don't know how. I don't know where to start. I've heard it all before. I need something new and real and not some pre-prepared Christian answer. But until then, don't pressure me. It only makes me feel worse. I know that I need to go back to God, but I just want to be ready because I'm going to have to give him all of me and I really can't right now.

So, that's where I'm at with God and Christianity. I have moved on. I am getting over the hurt my church and CU caused me. Slowly. I'll get there. Eventually.

MUNICH!!!

Ok, so I'm terrible. No one reads this anyway, but I feel obligated. Had a really long day today and I'm tired, so I'll keep it short. I love it here in Munich. I finally moved into my flat on Tuesday and it's great. It's so convenient with everything I need nearby. Also, I have the internet in my flat and free calls to the UK. Amazing!! My flatmate seems pretty nice too. My job is also going well - apart from today, when it was a little difficult, but nothing major. The school I'm working for is really good - helpful and supportive and the other teachers are nice. Made some friends and now need to find some extra things to do after work. There's definitely more choice than in Bratislava!

Anyway... I'm happy here. Might be too early to say it, but I'm happy I signed a 2 year contract. I highly recommend Munich to anyone and everyone!

So, I'm back now from Cranbrook. I had enough of the camp by the end. It was too much hard work, but thankfully, the pay was good. I probably would've made about the same temping, so that's great. I'm still waiting for my tax to come back. I think I might have sent it to the wrong address or something, which is annoying, because I'm due a good £500. That'll be nice for the ol' bank account. :)

I'm glad to be home, though I'm fully aware that it's not for much longer. About 20 days till I head off to Munich. I've been looking for flats, but it's quite difficult since I can't meet the landlords or other people living in the flats. So, I'm living in my boss's old flat for 2 weeks when I get there while I look for a flat. It should be much easier. There're loads of flats in the areas I want. It'll be great to be able to look at them and then decide. This way I hope I can avoid living with another Ruth! :D

Everyone wants me to settle somewhere and I know both my parents hope that by having a 2 year contract, I'll finally decide to settle in Germany at least. Well, I can understand that. It's a cool place and it's safe and it's Western and advanced and all that. I know neither of them would've been happy if I decided to settle in Bratislava. It would've done nothing for me. I'd quite like to travel some more. I need to get it out of my system. It's been my dream for far too long to travel round the Far East and then down to New Zealand and Fiji. I'm hoping that that will be my present to myself on my 30th birthday. I'll hopefully be able to save up enough money in 4 years for that! If not, there's always working in Australia until I can travel some more. It'll be a sad, sad day if I just dream it and never fulfill it. I feel like until I get it out of my system, I'll never be able to be at peace and settle anywhere. I just don't know how to convince my parents of that. I'm only young once. Once I have a proper job, a relationship and even a family, it'll be too late to do anything. I don't want to have any regrets.

Of course, the sad thing about all this travelling is that I've already lost so many friends, but I guess they weren't really friends after all if they can't survive a little distance. But the people who matter most to me I know now will almost certainly be always there and that's the most important thing to me. :)

I hope that with all this travelling I'd like to do, I'll finally find what it is I'm looking for. :)

Hello! Sorry! I really have gotten out of the habit of blogging! It's terrible. But also, I've been really busy since coming to Kent. Only got a week and a half to go and it feels like I've been here for longer than 2 and a half weeks. I'm so glad I haven't been teaching at this summer school. It's been nice to have a break, but I've been more stressed than I ever was as a teacher in Bratislava. I think it's because I'm still having a big hassle with trying to find a flat in Munich. I've signed up to a couple of websites and have already emailed loads of folk about their flats, so I'm waiting to hear back, but also I still have to keep looking.

I don't really know what to say. I'm finding it hard to believe that in a month I have to move countries again. I just can't believe it! I don't know how it's going to be in 2 years time when I have to move again. Of course, I might not move. I don't know? Maybe I'll find a reason to stay? Or maybe I'll finally get to go to Japan? Who knows?

If anyone knows anyone at ALL in Munich who is looking for a flatmate or knows where to look for a flat in Munich, that would be great. I've been stealing time out of work here to look for flats. It's really stressing me out. If worst come to worst, I can always move into that extortionate flat that I was offered by company. It just means that for the first year, I won't be able to save any money... I'm not happy with that prospect. Ah well... What makes it more stressful, other than not having any proper time to do it, is that all the ads are in German, so it's good practice, but also tires me out.

Good news is that I bought a new iPod shuffle. It's a wee purple one, so I hope to get it here in the next couple of days. It'll definitely make the journey home more pleasant. Anyway, I've got to go and make sure these kids are asleep.

It's been a while, sorry! I've gotten out of the habit of blogging. Mainly because before very little happened to me and it was easy to document, but now it seems like everything is coming like a flood! Plus, having been used to not blogging - whether for lack of time or opportunity - I've just gotten out of the habit of it...

Well, I got the job in Munich. I have a 2 year contract and I've got to be there for 8 September when my induction begins. The whole experience was very stressful. On Friday, my plane was delayed in taking off. It was there on time, but for some reason, we didn't even get to board until 9.20am, when the plane was to take off at 9.25am! So, I texted my mother to ask her to ring the school to let her know that I'd be late, but she was on her way to Dundee for a funeral and I didn't realise she hadn't been in touch with the school till I got to Munich. So, I texted all my friends who might've been at a computer and they emailed the school. My friend Chris texted me Candice's number, so I managed to call her and reschedule the interview. So, I checked in to the hostel and made my over.

The interview itself took one hour. Most of the time it was Candice asking me questions about my past experience and about me. The last 20 mins or so was me asking her questions about the school and the students. I think that was what made her decide to give me the job - my questions. Simon from Bratislava told me that that's what he liked about my interview - the fact that my questions showed that I was really interested in the job and that I was serious about it. So, phew!

On Saturday, I checked out of the hostel, left my bag in the luggage room and used their map to walk around Munich's main sights. It took me about 4 and a half hours, but I took my time and took pictures at every stage. My pictures are on Facebook. I think most of you are on it, so you can see them. :) It's very lovely in Munich. I think it snows there. Paul, the jobby from Regensburg, said he had a white Christmas in Munich last year, so fingers crossed for lovely snow! I'd love to see the English Garden in the snow! It's so beautiful already, but I bet it's cool covered in snow.

It's amazing how Munich is. Right in the centre - which is pretty big - it's really, really busy, but you only have to walk about 5 or 10 minutes away from it and it's really quiet and peaceful. It's HUGE of course! Much bigger than Bratislava, which isn't very difficult. :) I think there are loads more things to do. It seems like it. Anyway... It's much more modern and much more cosmopolitan than Bratislava, so I'm happy about that. Also, some teachers are leaving, so I might be able to move straight into their flats. Jason, the director, said he'd email me the flat details so I could have a look and see which one I liked. The only problem is that I'd be living on my own. Well, I guess that's a good thing after the Ruth fiasco, but it'll be a wee bit lonely at first. Who knows? It might be good. I just hope I can have a TV/the internet or both. We'll see...

What else? Well, I'm off down to Cranbrook in Kent tonight for a month organising excursions for a summer school down there. I'm working for the same company I've worked for in previous summers, though I think that this might be the last time since I have a 2 year contract and that might mean I carry on right through next summer as well. I'm so happy about being paid in Euros - the exchange rate is so much better. Also, hopefully my bank account in Germany will make it easier for me to transfer money into my UK account... Who knows? All things I'll have to find out and work through.

Well, I'll be away from Glasgow for a month, having only been here for 2 weeks... And then I'll be back for another mere 2 weeks before I set off again. Ah well... That's the life I've chosen for myself. :) x

So, here it is, the end of my time as a teacher in Bratislava. I've cleaned out my desk and now I just have to hand back my keys on Wed before heading off home. Man! It's been one hell of a year. Soooooo much has happened, but I don't know why I'm so surprised. It's always eben that way since my year in St Andrews, through uni and up to now.

My mum's here this weekend. She's arriving tonight and I'll be trying to show her the delights of Bratislava until Wednesday. I've also been enjoying the football and I'm looking forward to the final on Sunday night. It will definitely be one worth watching. Both Germany and Spain have been playing really well throughout the tournament. I hope my mum will let me watch it on Sunday night!! :)

As much as I'm sad to leave, I'm soooo looking forward to having a good wee rest when I'm back at home. I just feel totally exhausted! A few days of being able to do nothing and just sleeping and watching TV will do me the world of good. Too tired write anything else just now. Sure I'll feel more like writing once I'm home. :)

Well, since my last post I have to tell you that I'm glad that my decision about Munich had become more about location, a better salary and more opportunities and less about Paul because he is now seeing someone in Regensburg. Nothing new yet on the job front in Munich because I still have to go for an interview, but try as I might, I can't help but look forward to a different life in Germany. I've already downloaded a programme onto my computer so that I can refresh my knowledge of German. I'm so ready to leave here.

Don't get me wrong. I've loved it here. It definitely has given me a good grounding in teaching and has helped learn what I can and cannot do in terms of teaching. A lot of the things that have happened here, like everything else, have opened my eyes to who I am and what I am capable of. I'm pretty sure I've become more mature and more assertive as well. I think I've also definitely become more open and approachable - both qualities are expected to be present in a teacher.

On another side, I've lived in a foreign country by myself for 9 months. I've adapted to a new lifestyle, a new language, new food, new people, new surroundings and I've survived. It's strange to think about it. As much as I'm looking forward to going home and being around Glasgow, I haven't missed it all that much. It doesn't seem all that bad that I haven't been home since Christmas. Time has flown and I've grown up and grown used to this weird life.

What I have learned here - other than how to teach and who I am as a teacher (of course there's still much more to learn) - is that I have to make more of an effort to do more. I'll have to join classes and meet people outside of work and outside of my flat. I need to do more. As much as it's been nice here, I've found myself completely bored out of my brains some weekends because my teacher friends are busy or because they're broke or because they're tired. I've also learned to take opportunities when they are presented. Even though I have ended up hurt by Paul, I can honestly say that I don't regret having taken the chance. I will make the effort to travel more and meet more people. Certainly I'm very keen to take a German class when I'm there, so that in itself will give me something outside of work to do.

Though I'm trying not to pin all my hopes on a better life in Germany, I know just from the basics that it will be better. For a start, I'll have more money and I'm sad to say that more money inevitably means more opportunities. But also, the teachers tend to be younger and more outgoing in Germany - though I only know this from Lydia's and Chris's experience, though I doubt that'll change much in the next few months. It certainly has been a very strange mix of people here in Bratislava. It's been to sleepy for me and I'd like to have just that little more fun outside of work.

I don't know. I've been content this year and I don't regret my decision to come here one bit. I'm sure once I get home, all the other things I've learned here will become more apparent, but already I feel like I've learned a lot, improved a lot and grown up a lot. Also, I've learned that it's not all that difficult to live and settle in a new country. It is what you make it and I think that I've made it something good for me. But I am hoping that my interview will go well on 11 July and I will get that job! So pray for me, hope with me and keep your fingers crossed because I am ready to move on to bigger and better things. The world is my oyster and I intend to make the most of it!! :)

Nothing special really...

Well, I can't believe how slowly all the days are going. I've only got 4 and a half weeks left here and I know they are going to drag. It feels like the end of the first term when I couldn't wait for Ruth to leave. It's really strange because only a couple of months ago, I was happy to be staying for another year and now I can't wait to leave. I can't wait to go home and see people I haven't seen for ages. I can't wait to got to Kent and meet new people.I can't wait to go to Munich for my interview. I can't wait to go to Munich full stop.

If I'm really honest, it's starting to have nothing to do with Paul. Maybe if it weren't for Paul, I wouldn't have considered Munich and wouldn't have even had the chance to go there, but now, I'm really looking forward to it. It's so much bigger, the money's going to be better, my flat will be nicer, there'll be more choice of what to eat and where, and more opportunities to travel - not necessarily because of location, but more to do with the money. I know, I shouldn't be materialistic, but after living here and just getting by most of the time, the idea of having some extra cash is very, very appealing. Plus, I'll get to finally use the German I spent 8 years learning.

Anyway, I can't wait to leave here. I'll miss it and the people I've met here, but, it really is the time to leave. I feel it in my gut.