Why is it so hard to ask God for what you want?

I don't know if this is something you struggle with. But there has been something niggling inside of me for the past few weeks that I know I should pray about, but I haven't. The problem is, as a result, I haven't done any Bible study and haven't prayed at all. As much as I've been going to church and hanging out with Christians, I really haven't done anything about my personal relationship with God.

On the outside, I am nice, kind, sweet and very likeable, but only God and I know what goes on on the inside. To be godly is difficult. To do what the Bible tells you to is difficult. To rely on God's strength is difficult. To take every thought captive and so on and so on is difficult. I'm such a horrible, filthy sinner on the inside and that is only what I am aware of. Who knows what God sees when He looks at my heart. This is one reason why I can't and don't want to pray about this thing I want.

I had a conversation with a friend of mine a few weeks ago about this. And there was a sermon at church about it. What I try to keep in mind is nothing I have is deserved and God gives it to me anyway. He gives me food to eat, enough money for each month, He gave me a nice flat to live in, put nice people in my life, and so on and so on. I feel ashamed to ask Him for more because I haven't been a very good steward of the things He has already given me and for this reason I really don't feel like I would deserve it.

Also, another part is disappointment. My timetable has been absolutely crap this month. I've had whole days where I haven't had any work. And I've had far too much time to think about nonsense. I feel like my mind is blank and trying to think about anything constructive is almost impossible. And when I do have work, it's almost like I can't be bothered and I can't wait to get it over and done with. I am ridiculously ungrateful.

The third part is guilt. I've left it so long since I've prayed or done a Bible study that I feel bad for praying about something I want because I don't feel I have the right. Also, the last couple of times I've done a Bible study, I've done it half-heartedly. I didn't give God the credit and honour He's due. My heart and mind are in a bad place and I need to ask God to get me out of it, but I can't.

People look at me like I'm a godly woman and I don't know why. I am so crap at honouring God daily. Or even wanting to honour Him daily, hourly or even every minute. I know that everybody struggles and that God's grace is sufficient for me, but it doesn't make it right or even any better. I wish I could be consistent in my walk with God and that I would really love Him, not so I can get what I want, but so that what I want wouldn't matter because it is already what He wants. I want to be in communion with God, to know HIs presence and to do His will, but all I do is run away and try to do things my way, which time and again I have seen is stupid and yet I still insist on my way instead of God's way.

This has been really whiny, but I didn't intend it to be. Reading over the post, it has occurred to me that what I have is a heart problem because I am focussing on the things I want and don't have and not on God. These things - work, too much time, etc - have become an idol because they have taken my focus off of God and put it onto me. Woe is me. I'm a miserable creature. Yes, I was. But God has saved me and Jesus has cleansed me with His blood. I need to live like it. I need to live like I believe it. I need God.

I'd like to share with you some things to thank God for in the last week or so and also to pray about in the upcoming weeks.

So we'll start with praise. As you already know, my health insurance was sorted out quite quickly. I'll have to pay for it soon though, but I'm not sure when. Though I won't be able to pay for it myself this first time - because I won't get paid till 10 Sept - I will get help to pay it. It turns out I only have to pay €255 per month for my pension payments for the first 3 calendar years of freelancing. Both of my interviews were successful, though I have only been offered one class with the Cambridge Institute because of my availabilty. There is a chance I'll start a class with Knowledge Point on 20 Sept too. Also, my relationships with people at church are becoming deeper and less superficial.

My prayer request for this month is really that my timetable will fill up. God was so faithful in August that I really can't believe He won't be this month. Please pray that this Knowledge Point class will go ahead and more will become available from each or all of the three schools I now work for. Right now it looks like I will only have enough money for my bills and not much else. It's looking quite scary.

A bigger prayer request is for my sister-in-law's brother, who is very, very ill. Unfortunately, I don't have many details. My brother and sister-in-law aren't Christians and neither are her family. It would be great if this would being them all closer to God.

Thank you.

Freelance

I don't know if you have been praying for me, but it's been a while since I wrote about what's been going. Maybe you're interested in knowing how it's going... I don't know...

So, praise God, I've got my health insurance sorted out. The confirmation came today. I have had quite a few classes from Linguarama, so I've had enough money. So far, my last pay cheque looks like it will actually last until I get paid by Linguarama. Tomorrow is my first of 2 interviews for more freelance work. On Wed I'm going with one of the deacons of my church to pension place to talk to them about my payments. If you're praying for me, please pray for my interviews and the dealing with the pension payment, that I can get an affordable payment.

That's a lot to praise God for actually because things were looking quite bleak for me before. Now they're looking quite good. Of course they are difficult, but this was kinda what I was expecting because I was pretty sure that God wanted me to stay here.

As for what God's teaching me, I think he's teaching me about being a good steward. I mean in terms of what he's given me, so my flat, time, health, work, gifts, etc.. So far, I've been putting it into practise in terms of keeping my flat tidy. Now, I haven't been perfect with it of course. But my flat is much tidier than it was just a few months ago. And I've even started ironing my clothes!! Once every 2 weeks, but still. To save money I've started cooking once a week. I'm not eating my lunch out anymore. I can't believe just how much money that saves.

I've also been more careful with what I eat and I'm trying to get into the habit of doing exercise 2 or 3 times a week. I'm really actually starting to get convicted about the amount of junk food Christians eat and how much our socialising revolves around food. It's really weird how many overweight and even obese people are in the Church. Gluttony seems to be one of the sins that it overlooks... Anyway, I'm aware I'm overweight. Thankfully, not in such a bad way and not so far that it will affect my health, but if I don't watch what I eat and do some exercise, that might be lead to me becoming obese would not be being a good steward of my body. I'm not aiming to lose weight though, only because I don't want to be obsessed with it and let it become an idol.

I've been thinking about being a good steward in terms of money too. I know in terms of rent, bills and social security the total will come to €1100. This month's income is almost the same as it has been for the last year, but I may get more. So, I'm hoping that I'll be able to save some money. What is really on my heart is being able to tithe again or actually just tithing. What I did before was set aside that 10% and ask God what He wanted me to do with it and I really want to start doing that again.

This last thing is not really about being a good steward. But this is something that is growing in my heart. I really want to do something about the lack of women's ministry at my church. I mean, there is in terms of mothers and babies and an au pair bible study, but it's not quite the same. Cornerstone church and my small group have been going through Titus and the part about older women getting alongside younger women has really challenged me. I have met a couple of really great women at church, but not many older women and I miss the love and influence of an older woman in my life. I am really praying about setting up a forum where the women at the church can come together and get to know each other with the aim of them then pairing off into discipleship pairs. I don't even know if that's possible. I should speak to my pastor. Also, I'm hoping to keep praying about it and then as the women's retreat approaches in October, to then speak to the him about it. If he's ok with it, I'll bring it up with the women at the retreat. Maybe it'll be on some of their hearts already, or maybe not. But I want to keep thinking and praying about it.

I can't believe how much has changed in the last 6 or 7 months since I started going back to church. God is really working. Of course I haven't been so disciplined with bible study and praying, but I'm getting better. At least, I hope so... God's been good. Things have seemed almost impossible, but God has provided people to help. He's been good to me.

I wrote this a while ago... Sorry.

So, first of all, I should let you all know that my Kindergarten job fell through. I found out 2 Thursdays ago. I never had to write to them and tell them I was no longer interested in their position.

At first, I was in a bit of a panic because my social security payments were going to be too high. I've since been able to find a cheaper health insurance and someone from church is going to help me to find out if I can pay a cheaper, income based premium for the state pension because in my opinion €508.45 per month is far too expensive. Also, I didn't have as much work as I would need to survive this month. Since the middle of last week, I now have enough work to get me the same amount of money as I would've got normally, though I have to do half the amount of work. I also have an interview lined up for the end of August for more freelance work. When I get back to Munich, I'll have more time to look into more schools to work for.

To be honest, I've been greatful for not getting this kindergarten position. I wasn't at first. I was freaking out! I even considered leaving Munich, but as it turned out, I didn't have enough money to leave and take all my stuff back with me. Also, I would be leaving to nothing. I never had a direct, voice from heaven sign that God wanted me to stay in Munich, but it just seemed to make sense. I mean, this is the first time in a long time that I feel settled in a church. It took a long time to get to know people and I am still getting to know people, but now I have people I can call some people friends at church and I'm in the process of making more. I've also just started going to a small group. It is, however, breaking up for the summer, but still. That's really only going to be for a month and I think they will still be meeting up - albeit for more social events. Still, that'll be a good place to get to know those people. :)

Also, it's been great the amount of help and support I've gotten. This guy from church I hardly know, but he wants to help people deal with government stuff, is helping me with pension stuff. And my friend Donna put me in touch with this independent consultancy that specialises in finding reasonable health insurance.

Most of all, this experience is teaching me to trust people again. It's been so hard dealing with people since I left Glasgow at the end of 2007, but now I'm beginning to see that there are people I can trust again. I've been praying a lot about forgiveness and learning to love people again. I must say, I am beginning to see the results. I am also beginning to feel more like myself again. I suppose that makes sense since we are fully ourselves as we were meant to be only in Jesus. It feels good.

Thanks for all of your prayers. It definitely has made settling back into church and working on a relationship with God again the easiest thing about this year. Of course, it hasn't been easy, but when I was thinking about going back to church again this time last year, it just seemed so insurmountable and it hasn't been as difficult as I thought it would be. Thank you.

Ok, I need some wisdom about a decision I need to make. You know the kindergarten job? It's been nearly 6 (or 7?) weeks since I gave them my documents to be approved by the government. The last time I heard from anyone was about 3 weeks ago and 2 weeks ago I emailed the kindergarten to see if they could give any idea on how long it'll take to hear anything. No reply. I called them today, though I think I may have called the wrong number... I mean, I think it was the registration number and not the kindergarten direct. Ah well...

Anyway, what I need wisdom about is whether I should just email the kindergarten and tell them that I am no longer interested in working for them. I don't know how much longer it would be prudent to wait. If I don't get a contract, I will need to organise health insurance and my pension payments so that I can legally continue to work in Germany. My current contract ends in 2 and a half weeks. Then I will start work as a freelancer on 2 August and I will need to have sorted stuff out by then...

My idea is to email the kindergarten on Friday if I haven't heard back from them. Then I will need to email my tax adviser, write a letter to my current health insurance, research private health insurance and apply to other freelance schools in Munich. The business school job fell through because they had problems with people walking out on the students since they are that bad. If that is the case, I'm glad they are looking for a solution internally.

Please pray for me. I don't know what I should do.

Old sermon

I found this in my Bible when I was reading through it. Just flicking through the pages to remind me that I have not been given a spirit of fear and fear does not come from God. All in the context of obedience though.

As much as I am getting to know people at my new church, my past experience of Christians from both church and CU have really hurt me and I only realised a couple of days ago that, though the anger and bitterness are gone and God has helped me to forgive them, I am still hurt. I was thinking about this because of the church picnic that is happening today and how it is fear that is preventing me from going. Fear of opening up and letting these people into my life and having them hurt me as what happened before. But I have to remember that:

1. I am part of a body and so I can't function on my own. I need the other parts of the body with me to work as I'm meant to.

2. God has commanded us - me - to love my neighbour as I love myself. Not only those who are nice to me and don't hurt me and love me as much as I love them. There were no other conditions. Just love because He loves us.

(John 13:34-35 "A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.")

The third point is obedience regardless of what the end result is. And this is what the notes from this old sermon talks about and what I really wanted to share with you. The context is Acts 8:26-40, the story of Philip and the Ethiopian. I am just going let you read it yourself and type up the sermon. Sorry this is going to be a long post.

Without further ado:

- Philip started evangelising in Samaria in the North and told then to go down to where the Gaza strip is now.

- He went in obedience despite the fact he didn't know all the details.

1. A radical obeying

- He had been successful in evangelism in Samaria, but when he got God's instruction, he just left!

- The Angel didn't elaborate, but it was enough for him to leave.

- God's guidance doesn't always come this way, but we should obey this way in every area of our lives.

2. A providential meeting

- He met the Ethiopian - who quite possibly was the start of the Coptic Church.

- Providence - the way God works to bring things together in His will and in His timing.

- Here Philip understand that he is to explain to the Ethiopian about Jesus.

- This shows the significance of our obedience to God.

- God brings things together that will lead us to more of Jesus.

- Jer 29:13-14a

3. A biblical explaining

- Philip used the scriptures to tell the Ethiopian about Jesus.

- The Ethiopian was obviously already seeking God and that's why he was searching the scriptures.

- Philip's obedience meant that the Ethiopian could be saved.

4. A total committing

- As a result of Philip's obedience, the Ethiopian became a Christian.

- Because he trusted in God and obeyed, someone was saved.

- He didn't know that was going to happen when he was told to leave Samaria.

- He trusted that God would work it out and carry out His will.

- He didn't need to know the end result - he just trusted that whatever God had in mind was good.

- It was enough that God asked him to go - he just did it - obeyed without question.

I hope God has blessed you as He blessed me through it. Amen.

Relying on God's strength

Does anyone know what this means? Really? Can someone give me an example on how it's worked in their life? I mean in everyday life, not in times when nothing is within your control. I know all about that. I could rely on God when I had cancer, but here, now, when yes I do have difficulties, it's so difficult to know how that applies. Having cancer forced me into trusting and relying completely on God, but I realised today that I'm trying so hard to do all I have to do myself as if it all relies on me. Like my family and friends coming to know God and me dealing with the things I struggle with. It's so difficult to remember that it all comes from God and we are not the responsible party. We're only tools. Of course, I don't mean that we are not important to God. Of course we are! He sent His son to die for us. But in things like the salvation of others, we are only tools. God does everything else. And it's like I said about sharing the gospel with a friend of mine, then as in all other times, if our words make any impact at all, it is the Spirit working through us - so it all always comes down to God.

I am so sick of worrying about how to be holy and getting there immediately. In this world where everything is instant and you can have what you want when you want it, it is hard to take in that holiness in us is a work in progress that'll take our whole lives. Plus, when I see a problem, I just want to fix it immediately. But I can't. I'm a work in progress. God needs time to work in me and I need time to feel the benefits of all the things that I'm learning and what He's doing in me. But it's so disheartening to know that really once one thing is 'fixed', there'll be a hundred other issues.

And here is the oldest of my issues - trusting God about my spouse. Trusting Him regardless of there being one or not. Trusting that God will work in me to be the wife I am supposed to be. And trusting Him to be my comfort when there is no spouse for me. My mum is praying for my spouse. When she was challenged to pray for mine and brother's future spouses, she felt God told her, "A Hannah for James and a Joseph for Steph". Hannah and Joseph refer to the characters in the Bible, not literally named Hannah and Joseph. :) Ah well... My brother has found a really lovely wife. I'm proud to have her as a sister-in-law. I am just so used to being single now that I can't believe that there might be a guy for me. Who knows? I don't know why it has to be such a big issue. It just frustrates me since there are more important things to worry about.

Anyway, this was only supposed to be about how difficult it is to rely on God's strength to get through everyday things. I think I made my point. :)

Obedience

This is something that's majorly on my mind at the moment. I mean not just in context of fear, but just in general because I find it so hard. As much as in my mind I know that God is worth it in the end and worth more than anything I could have on earth, I can't believe so wholeheartedly that I don't covet or am patient or, or, or...

The sermon this week at MICC was on 1 John 3:4-10. It was harsh. Particularly scary verse:

verse 6: No one who lives in him keeps on sinning. No one who continues to sin has either seen him or known him.

The pastor explained it was related to your attitude to sin. Of course we still sin, but how do we view it? Do we recognise that it hurts God or do we not care what He thinks about it? Is it something we are trying to avoid or is it something that doesn't bother us at all? You do realise that:

verse 8: He who does what is sinful is of the devil, because the devil has been sinning from the beginning.

but

The reason the Son of God appeared was to destroy the devil's work.

So this really goes back to the power of the Holy Spirit living in me. Do I really believe I have this power in me that will completely transform me? So I REALLY believe it? Am I living like there's any truth in it? At the moment, I can say for 90% of my life the answer is no. I'm also really impatient. I want God to change me now in my timing. When has God done anything according to man's timing? Never. He knows best. So in some way I have to rest in the promise of Phil 1:6:

being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

In all honesty, I'd much rather be a completed work than a work in progress. Everything feels like an upward struggle. I need to learn how to rely on God's strength...

Why is it so difficult to believe in God's promises?

This is what Isaiah 41:10 and 13 says:

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

and

For I am the LORD, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.

So, God very clearly tells us we have nothing fear, but I'm finding it very difficult to believe it as I'm trying to obey what God has asked me to do. It seems it is really much easier to focus on things going around me than it is to focus on who God is and what He says.

In other news: I still haven't heard anything concrete from the Kindergarten. My contract ends in 6 weeks and I have no idea what I will do after. Well, ok, I do have some idea, but no idea how it will actually work out. I'm getting a tax adviser to sort out my taxes and to get me a tax number. I just hope I can actually meet him soon! Every time I've made an appointment with him, I've been given a class!! AAAARGH! It's very hard to trust God and not be afraid...

It's amazing how quickly God answers your prayers. Though this time I mean mine. I guess since the last post I've been thinking about why I don't share the gospel and who I could do it with anyway. And also wrestling inside because it's not that my faith in God is very strong or my relationship with God is really consistent. But last night I did it for the first time - maybe even the first time ever. It was really unexpected. But I've been praying about Jer 20:9* - that it would be true for me.

There is no formula or "right" way to tell someone about Jesus. That's what I've heard. We are all made as we are to demonstrate God's love as we experience it being who we are. But I never thought someone floundering in her faith could. But I suppose it's not like I'm not experience God working in me. It's not like I haven't been learning anything from Him....

I guess I always sub-consciously thought that people who could share had a solid relationship with God. But now I think maybe it's because if that were the case, the glory wouldn't be His. Because now I know that if my words made any impact at all, it was because of Him working in her and me.

Different but related thought: Since I've been studying the Bible more regularly and listening to sermons, I feel like I'm alive again and breathing. My soul feels alive because it's been fed and hopefully will continue to be fed. And that's why I've felt a conviction about not sharing my faith because I think it should be more important than anything else in my life - both sharing and my faith. Another 2 verses that challenge me are Deut 6:4-7+ and Psalm 73:25§. I want to be filled to overflowing so that it is all I want to talk about.

*Jer 20:9 - "But if I say, "I will not mention him or speak any more in his name," his word is in my heart like a fire, a fire shut up in my bones. I am weary of holding it in; indeed, I cannot."

+Deut 6:4-7 - "Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one. Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up."

§Psalm 73:25 - "Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you."

The Holy Spirit

Recently I downloaded a discipleship bible study from the Navigators UK website. I was actually looking for a Nav bible study on 1 John, as that's what we're looking at in church, but I couldn't find anything. Anyway, I found this study. It's called "Learning to Live" and there are 6 books. I haven't printed out all of them. I just looked through the contents of each and decided what I wanted to learn because each book is about 60 pages long and I was using the printer at work. I've been slowly working through book 2, where the topics are things like "Living by the Spirit" and "Living by God's truth". It's been amazing and really challenging!

What I wanted to write about is the Holy Spirit study. That was a real eye-opener. It took me through all passages that deal with the Holy Spirit and of course at the end of each study, it has a self-reflection/application section that asks you think about how you can apply what you've learned to your life. I was really challenged by the fact that the same Spirit that shut the lions' mouths when Daniel was in the lions' den is the same Spirit that lives in me. I have access to that power and I have done nothing about it.

Another thing that challenged me is a sermon I listened to online. The preacher was talking about the New Testament meaning of fellowship. In the New Testament, the disciples would meet together for fellowship because they really needed it. They'd been out evangelising and making disciples and they had been beaten or spat at or stoned - whatever, so they needed to meet together so they could bandage each others' wounds and pray and build each other up again so that they had the strength to go back out and do it all again. Today fellowship is hanging out after church and having a laugh. We don't seem - not the majority anyway - to seek a way to build each other up and equip ourselves to be able to go and make disciples of all nations...

These two things have really been on my mind since I heard and studied them. We have this amazing power in our lives, but we don't use it to it's full potential. And we don't take advantage of the time we have together to strengthen each other to do God's work. Why? I know I haven't because it really never occurred to me until I came across these two teachings and also my faith has been almost non-existent. But now, I'm not sure what to do with this knowledge as I don't know where I can start. I have been praying for God to help me to love Him so that I can love and serve His people and now this! It feels like too much to take in. And it's scary.

I feel like for the past few weeks I have been yearning for a deeper fellowship and now I know what the New Testament definition of fellowship is, I just want to have that so that I can be equipped to go out and do the task God has for me. But that kind of fellowship is seriously lacking at my church. After the sermon, we rarely even talk about it. We just make jokes and talk to each other about the last week and the week ahead. So I've been praying for it. I can't be the only one who desires a bit more depth in my relationships with people at church. It seems to be lacking for the women. The men have a really good programme for them. I hope the women will too. And I mean more than just meeting together and eating a lot of junk food and talking about how hard it is to be a single woman. I need more.

I guess this has all been a bit "stream of consciousness". I just miss the deeper friendships I used to have where I could talk about these sorts of things.

Vodafone - service restored!

Hey, just a quick post. My internet and phone line has been restored. It's been amazing having high-speed internet and I called my brother from the landline last night. It's really great. Thanks again for all your prayers.

Also, tomorrow I'm going to the Kindergarten to drop off my documents so the whole process with the government can finally start. And while you're praying, please also pray for the tax situation coming up - the €3000 I have to pay back.

Sorry, don't mean to be cheeky. You praying along with me is really working and I'm truly amazed. Thanks. :)

Thank you for your prayers!! (Vodafone)

Ok, guys I just want to say just how grateful I am to you for praying for my Vodafone situation because it has paid off big time! I got a phone call from them today saying that they received the letter I sent to the board member and they really want to find a solution that is good for me. I explained that, although they said that now I no longer had to pay anything, I had already paid the €250 from the reduced amount, but they said that they were going to put that money into an account for my internet, so basically I don't have to pay my regular bill for the next few months - until the €250 is used up. AND they are going to make sure that the technician comes on Tuesday and will call me on Tuesday afternoon or Wednesday morning to make sure that everything is as it should be. That is better than I ever expected!

So thank you. Your prayers have totally paid off! I'm very grateful to you all. :)

So... My documents have finally arrived! Just have to wait for my reference from my year out and all that stuff can be underway. So very soon, I hope that I can be telling you that I have the Kindergarten job.

And as for Vodafone: I paid the €250 bill last week, but I still got a reminder sent to me saying that I haven't paid it. BUT it turns out I paid it into the wrong account. Hopefully, since I have the proof on my bank statement, the money can just be transferred from the wrong account. Will need to sort that out this week. And, the technician is apparently going to come out to fix my phone line on Tuesday. We'll see. But I'm praying this drama will finally end then. Once the bill is sorted and the line is fixed, there'll be nothing more to do with Vodafone.

As for the relationship with God situation: Thank you so much for continuing to pray for me. I have started to do my own Bible study again and praying. Found some stuff on the Navigators website on learning how to live as a Christian. It's been really tough going, but really good as it takes a look at individual aspect of life as a Christian. Really useful for where I'm at now. I've also enjoyed the intellectual exercise, but I hope that it isn't just that. I'd like to have a serious relationship with God again.

Well, that's all really. I just wanted to let you know so you know what to pray for. Thanks again. :)

Update on Vodafone and other thoughts...

I just wanted to let you know that I finally got my Vodafone bill and it has been reduced, so it's now €250. They did tell me that I could pay in installments, but that was over 6 weeks ago and frankly I don't believe them, so I managed to get an advance of €250 from my company to pay it off. I still have no service in my flat though, so... Well, I have the other internet connection I signed up for, but that was meant to be temporary! Haha! So far they haven't overcharged me, so I'm grateful. :)

My other thoughts refer really to just one question: why can't you tell people what you really think?

One of my friends always seems to put me last. She always says she's got no money to visit me, but then always manages to find some money to see other people in other countries. Why would it be rude and insensitive of me to say that it hurts that we're supposedly good friends, but I'm always last on her list of priorities?

The other person is a really good friend of mine who is male and has very recently got married. I miss how close we used to be and since he's been with his now wife, we've spoken less and less and of course that is only to be expected, but I miss my friend. And now if I get to see him, I'll never get to spend time with just him. His wife is lovely and I'm happy he's found someone so suited to him, but he was one of my best friends and I miss him. But for me, as a single woman to a married a man, it would be inappropriate for me to say so, right? It makes me sad because if he had been a close female friend, it wouldn't have been an issue.

I also miss Uni, where you could be friends with the opposite sex and nothing would be made of it. As you approach 30, it seems less and less likely that you can form close friendships with men. Sure, for most of my early 20s, all I wanted was to find a husband, but I've long since accepted my singleness, but I find this lack of male company at all ridiculous. I've always related better to men than to women. For some reason, I just find them difficult to get on with. Of course I currently have female friends, but I miss male senses of humour and the topics you tend to only discuss with them. It's just been strange the last few years out of church because it means it's so difficult to befriend men. But even in the church now, if I showed an interest in spending more time with a guy, it would almost certainly be taken the wrong way. Mind you, maybe I was naive before? Maybe it was always the case, but I just wasn't aware of it? Who knows?

Anyway, I had no one else to share these thoughts with, so I thought, why not here? :D

Update on Kindergarten job

I bet you're shocked cos it's not been too long since my last post!! But I just wanted to let you know that I think your prayers are working... I asked you to pray that if it's God's will for me to work at the Kindergarten, doors would open, right? (Maybe I should read my last post before I type a new one...) Well, I've been offered the job at the Kindergarten, but only on the condition that the German government approves my qualifications and experience. I think - and this is only my opinion - with my experience, I should be ok. But, I don't know... It is only for the position of a Kindergarten assistant, so I don't know why the German government would be so fussy. Still... You never know. As much as I have learned to love the Germans, they are Germans.

Anyway, the Kindergarten have been very open about wanting to hire me and have openly shown their support. I already have a few character references. I just need to get a reference from the Baptist Union about the youth work I did for them 10 years ago (eek!) and that end will be covered. Also, I've sent away for copies of my transcripts and once they arrive, I'll have to get them notarised. Then all that stuff will go to the government and we'll see...

If/when I do get the job, I'll start the week after my current contract ends. And they've already told me that they are offering me training and they'll pay for it. Though I think I should clarify whether that means my pay will be deducted or not... Still, why not, right? It means I won't have to go through this hassle again in the future. :)

Thank you so much for your prayers. If I'm honest, I didn't expect an 'answer' so quickly. After all the hassle of the start of the year, I hope this is the start of things getting better.

(N.B: If you're wondering why your posts don't appear immediately, it's because I've changed my settings. I was getting spammed so much I now have to moderate all comments. So you don't have to type more than once. :) )

Time is passing really quickly! I can hardly believe that it's almost the end of April already! But I'm happy because it means pay-day is soon. :D

I thought I should give you all a wee update since some of you might be praying for me and might want to know what's been happening. I'll start with the Kindergarten situation: I went for an interview at the beginning of March and 2 weeks ago I had an observation. They told me - as I expected - that they couldn't give me a full-time position because I didn't have an Early Childhood Studies certificate, but that I fulfilled all the requirements for a part-time position. Unfortunately, Laura is only one of the teachers and so the final decision is not up to her, though she does seem very keen to hire me. As yet, I have still to hear anything, so I'm getting a little anxious. Although I'm not entirely happy with the set-up there, having a part-time job there will take care of my social security and will give me a guaranteed income every month, which I can supplement with freelance teaching. Also, the hours mean I no longer have ridiculously early starts and it's not very far away from my flat at all - only 20 mins by public transport. All of these make it ideal, so I guess I feel like maybe I won't get it cos it'd be too perfect... But still, I'd like to know either way sooner rather than later as I need to organise work so I can afford to live! :D

The second issue is the Vodafone situation. As yet, it still isn't resolved. I haven't had one answer from any of the FIVE letters I've sent them. Today I sent off a letter to the board member that is responsible for Central Europe. Maybe I'll have some response from him...? The technician was supposed to come today - this is the third appointment in 3 weeks, and didn't, so I still don't have a service. The bill of €800 has been reduced to €240 and I'll have to pay it next month. I'm really not happy about having to pay anything at all to Vodafone. Especially since the internet hasn't been working since December!! (The internet I'm using at the moment is from another provider and it's temporary.) They keep expecting me to pay my monthly rates, though I haven't got anything to pay for. That's hard. I still don't know what God's doing in this situation. But I'm grateful for the friends who have helped and are still helping me. :)

The third thing is church. I have been blessed by the online sermons of Cornerstone Community Church in Simi Valley, CA. I've also started going back to church regularly and since a friend of mine - Emma - used to go there before she left Munich, I already know a lot of people and have made some friends. I wanted to be part of a Bible study, but the early mornings I have mean I'm really tired, but it's only another month before those classes stop, so I could go regularly then. Currently the church is going through 1 John - slowly and in a lot of detail, which is great because it's helpful for me as I try to find a way back to having a relationship with God. The last sermon really challenged me as it was on 1 John 2:7-11. The most challenging parts were verses 9-11. I don't love anyone anymore and it's been a long time since I've realised that that's due to a lack of God's love in me. I am aware though that now I love my family a lot more than I did a few years ago when I was involved with church. Haha! I don't mean anything by that, just that I'm grateful that - it must be God! - that He's started to renew love in me with my family. I never loved them like I do now. I actually miss all of them. Never did before. There are also a few people that I can say I strongly dislike - maybe hate. And that is a sin that I need to repent of and I've already started praying about.

The final issue is tax. I knew I had to pay back the tax I haven't paid for the 2 years I've lived here. I was led to believe that was perfectly legal, but it turns out that it isn't. I already know that I had to pay back €3000, but thought I could do that in installments - it turns out it'll have to be a lump sum, which means I might have to take out a loan. Now, if I don't have any sort of fixed income - i.e. a part-time Kindergarten job - then, it'll be really difficult to get one with a reasonable interest rate. I know it would be easier then just to leave and maybe rent from one of my friends in Glasgow and temp until I find another job, but I feel like God wants me here. Not that He's told me or anything. Just that I have finally come back to "life" and have a church and have some good Christian people that are slowly becoming friends and I find it hard to believe it's just a coincidence and that I should go somewhere else. I don't know. Maybe you can pray that doors would close if I have to leave and doors would open if I am meant to stay...?

Anyway, this has been a much longer post than I intended, but I guess if you don't write for 6 weeks, that's what happens. :) Thanks to those of you are praying for me and have been all this time. I appreciate it all the more now since I'm back in my Father's house. :)

Kindergarten?

Work is going to be particularly tough in the next few weeks. I guess I had it coming. My timetable has been pretty easy for the last couple of months. But hey, it makes not being a contract teacher very attractive.

I had an interview on Wed 3 March for a post as a Kindergarten teacher. They seemed to like me, but I suggested they observed me with the kids and make their decision then. All being well, the observation will take place on Fri 9 April. If it's successful, it will almost definitely lead to a part-time position. It might lead to a full-time position...

If I get the part-time post, I can freelance and make some extra money by continuing in what I'm doing with the Business English. This is what I'd prefer, in a way. I'd like to keep my finger in both pies if possible. :) Of course, the full time post will offer more security, but part-time is security enough. At least all my social security stuff will be taken care of.

Anyway, pray for that, if you could. Part-time or full-time is up to God, not me or the kindergarten. It feels like the right decision to work there in one of those 2 positions. We'll see. I think the observation will go well. I like little kids and usually they like me... :D Friday 9 April - all being well. And then I'll know.

The date is 4 March. I'm writing this while I have no internet with the hope that in a couple of weeks my big problem with Vodafone will have been sorted out and I have the internet in my flat again. Otherwise, I'll post it from one of my friends' flats - if I can connect to their internet wirelessly...

Tonight I watched the movie "Seven Pounds". I don't know if you've ever watched it and I don't know if I would recommend it. It's like "Schindler's List" in a way; you should watch it at least once in your life and it will change you. If you do ever watch it, then I dare you not to be challenged by it.

For the last 3 or 4 years, I have been a different Steph. Gradually I have become more and more selfish. When I was at university, I would buy food for homeless people. I would give money to the Petersens and help out wherever I could. I was a servant to many people. I wasn't always, of course. It's not like I was perfect! But I was a whole load less selfish than I am now.

I always thought that other than changes to my lifestyle, not living like a Christian hadn't changed me at all. I had noticed that I seemed to care less about people, but that helped a lot because I thought it meant I would be hurt less. I mean, as far as I see it, I was used by the people I cared about most and now where are they? I wrote to one family I loved to apologise and to try and build bridges, but it's been over a year and I have heard nothing from them. And I have used it as an excuse not to care. I see now that not having Jesus inside of me has changed me a lot. I did care as much as I was able. Doing it in my own strength is not possible.

Recently, I started going back to church regularly. I have no idea why now of all times, but it's happening. I will even start going to the Bible study, though not very regularly since I have a really early start on Thursdays now. I would like to gp back to that part of who I was. The part of me that was judgmental and self-righteous can stay away. I have no interest in that person anymore.

The guy in the movie was making amends for 7 lives he took - in a car accident. That's how I saw it. His 'selfless' acts were motivated by guilt. I would like to not be motivated by guilt, but I would like to serve again and to care and to really love. Now I really understand why my mum was so sad that I was so different from before.

Man, why do holidays pass so quickly? Even if you're doing nothing!! I only have 3 days left here. Tomorrow I have to sort through the things that my mother left when she went back to Malaysia. The prospect is a little daunting. I'm sure I can get rid of some stuff and I can take some stuff back to Munich with me, but inevitably, because of luggage allowance, I'm going to have to leave some of it here. I feel bad about that because it's already an inconvenience to my brother and his girlfriend... But what can I do. I can only take what I can take... EEK!!

Anyway, I'm starting to get a bit worried about the coming year. Financially, I'll be fine till July, but what am I going to do after?!!? I'm really hoping to be offered a permanent contract, but I know that that'll be a big battle with the CEO, who's got a reputation for being tight with money. I know that if it were up to my DOS and manager, I would have one no problem. That's a horrible thing to know because the chances of me getting a contract are slim. And so I have the option of being a freelancer. Which is ok. I have a couple of friends who have done that and it's working out for them, but it's not a fixed income every month. And I'll have to pay back €3,000 worth of tax. That's the drawback of getting to live in a country tax free for 2 years... Poo! But there's nothing I can do about it for now. I just have to wait and see how it'll all work out. Shame, because I don't want to have to leave Munich. And the worse thing is, I have nowhere to go if it doesn't work out as my mum doesn't live here anymore. :(

Well, worrying certainly isn't going to bring any good. I just have to hope for the best. For those of you who still pray for me, I'll really appreciate it if you pray for this. Thanks!