Trial: Temptation from Sin

"Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed. As obedient children, do not conform to the evil desires you had when you lived in ignorance. But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do; for it is written: "Be holy, because I am holy."

Since you call on a Father who judges each man's work impartially, live your lives as strangers here in reverent fear. For you know that it was not with perishable things such as silver or gold that you were redeemed from the empty way of life handed down to you from your forefathers, but with the precious blood of Christ, a lamb without blemish or defect. He was chosen before the creation of the world, but was revealed in these last times for your sake. Through him you believe in God, who raised him from the dead and glorified him, and so your hope and faith are in God."

(1 Peter 1:13-21 NIV)

We are tempted to sin in two ways:

1. To go back to our old way of life

2. To stop believing that God will help and will be there for us in our future.

Peter writes this section to give those under trial some hope and to encourage them to persevere. To understand what he is trying to say, it is necessary to define what Peter means by 'hope'. He defines hope as a "confident certainty in God", therefore our hope should have Jesus as it's foundation since:

- (1 Peter 1:3) Jesus is alive and so our hope is alive

- (1 Peter 1:13) Jesus is coming back and will give us grace

- (1 Peter 1:21) Our hope should only be in Jesus and all the he is

The problem is, once we lose hope in God, we stop changing, learning, growing and repenting. In other words, once we stop hoping in God, we stop trying and so we start dying.

Listed below are 6 ways we can hope:

1. I can be a wise learner (1 Peter 1:13)

- Hear God's word: listen to sermons, download an audio Bible, listen to good, sound teaching on God, download theology seminars from websites (Reformed Theological seminary allows free downloads of it's courses)

- Read God's word: don't just rely on other people to tell you what God's word says. Read it for yourself, so that you can be informed of the truth and know how to recognise sound or false teaching. Be like the Bereans (Acts 17:11).

- Memorise God's word: this can be individual verses or whole books of the Bible. Start small and work up to it.

- Study God's word: don't just read the Bible. There are different ways to study it like inductive Bible studies, reading around in history, looking at the context of the book and getting a good study Bible.

- Discuss God's word: share what you've learned with others and learn from their insights.

2. I can be a sober thinker (1 Peter 1:13)

- This is a result of studying the word of God and being absorbed in it. The more you study, the more you will be able to make sound, biblical decisions.

3. I can be a grace seeker (1 Peter 1:13)

- When we are focussed on what we lack, we are unable to see God's grace in our lives. The idea here is to make a conscious decision to look for God's hand in our lives, even the small things of each day. Another way is to listen to the stories of others, how God is helping someone get through cancer, how God is helping a couple to restore their marriage; God's grace is all around us and we need to open our eyes to see it, so that our hope can be strengthened and we will persevere because the same God who's been faithful to them will also be faithful to you.

4. I can be a holy worshipper (1 Peter 1:14-16)

- Holiness is the attribute most mentioned in the Bible when describing God. Holiness means to be set apart and to be completely other from anything else. Striving to be holy in everything we do is an act of worship. Being holy is not something we have to be to get God to love us. He already does! In loving us, he enables us to obey him and it is by his love that we are transformed into someone more like him - someone holy!

5. I can be a ransomed sinner (1 Peter 1:17-19)

- Just like the Israelites were exiles in Egypt under the cruel taskmaster, Pharoah, though their home was the promised land, we were exiles in the world under the sin as a cruel taskmaster. Our 'promised land' is heaven. Jesus came, died and rose again to free us from sin and one day we will be in heaven with him.

- However, just like the Israelites complained once they had been freed from slavery and longed for the 'good old days' in Egypt, we too lose sight of what we have in Jesus and look back on our life before Christ and sometimes long for it. We romanticise our sin and think of ourselves freer than we are now, forgetting that we were slaves to sin.

- We have to realise that our slavery to sin is voluntary. Nobody else puts us into that position. Unfortunately, we only realise that we are once again a slave to sin once it's 'shackles' are on us.

- But just like God sent Moses to rescue his people from slavery in Egypt, he sent Jesus to free us from our slavery to sin. With Jesus we can overcome sin and not just manage it. He can release us from our addictions.

6. I can be a legacy leaver (1 Peter 1:19)

- In Jesus, we are freed from the legacy given to us by our family. We do not have to continue in the same way our families did before. With Jesus's help, we can change and leave a new legacy for our children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren. We can change and transform our family history.

The last point is why we should have our hope in Jesus . This is what is covered in 1 Peter 1:20-21. Before we can put our hope in Jesus, we have to see him as he really is. The view we tend to have of him is a weak, passive person, but that is not how Isaiah saw him in Isaiah 6 or as John saw him in Revelation. He is strong, powerful, he has been glorified and now sits at the right hand of God. This is the Jesus we have our hope in. He will never fail us and he will see us through to the very end.

Trial and Scripture

So we come to sermon number 3.

"Concerning this salvation, the prophets, who spoke of the grace that was to come to you, searched intently and with the greatest care, trying to find out the time and circumstances to which the Spirit of Christ in them was pointing when he predicted the sufferings of Christ and the glories that would follow. It was revealed to them that they not serving themselves but you, when they spoke of the things that have now been told you by those who have preached the gospel to you by the Holy Spirit sent from heaven. Even angels long to look into these things."

(1 Peter 1:10-12 NIV)

The Bible is a history book, which tells us of our need of salvation and a Saviour. It is full of prophecy that culminates in the birth, death and resurrection of Jesus. No other religion has the amount of prophecy that our Scriptures have. The writers and prophets in the Bible did not write just their own ideas, but they were divinely inspired by God through the Spirit and so essentially, it is God who wrote the Bible. The Bible, therefore, is not speculation and it's main theme is grace - the story of us, ill-deserving sinners, pursued and saved by God. This also makes the most perfect thing on this earth the Bible.

There are only three things that the Bible is about:

1. Salvation

2. by Grace

3. through the suffering and glory of Jesus

This is where the doctrine of Verbal Plenary Inerrancy comes in. This is the doctrine that means that you have to take the whole Bible, all it says and all the words and ideas, at it's word. There is not one part of the Bible that can be left out or thought to be useless. Some might think that the Old Testament is obsolete and useless, but we have to remember that when Jesus preached to the two disciples on the road to Emmaus, the only Bible there was was the Old Testament and he showed them how it all spoke about his birth, death, resurrection and how God would save his people. Moreover, in this passage, Peter is referring to the Old Testament and saying that it was written by God because no-one other than God could know the future and bring it to pass.

Following is the summary of some of the prophecies about Jesus:

700 BC: Isaiah 7:14

The Lord will give you a sign - a pregnant virgin, who will give birth to a son.

700 BC: Micah 5:2

God will be born in Bethlehem, an inconsequential town, as a baby.

400 BC: Malachi 3:1

Before he comes, he will send a messenger - this we now know was John the Baptist. Also, God is coming to his temple, therefore, it had to have been before 70 AD when the temple was destroyed, which implies he has already come.

700 BC: Isaiah 35:5-6

God on earth would perform many miracles including healing the blind, deaf and lame.

500 BC: Zechariah 11:12-13

Jesus would be betrayed for 30 pieces of silver and this betrayer would throw the money back into a specific part of the temple, namely where the potter was.

1000 BC: Psalm 22:16

A band of men would surround Jesus and crucify him by piercing his hand is feet. This is one of the more astounding prophecies because crucifixion was not invented until a few hundred years later.

700 BC: Isaiah 53:6-11

The end of Isaiah 52 and the whole of Isaiah 53 is packed full of messianic prophecies. The suffering servant would come, be sinless, he will bear all our sins, we have all wandered away from God, he would be buried in a rich man's tomb, and then he would be resurrected and give salvation to his people. If this isn't talking about Jesus, who does it describe?

Religious people tend to moralise the Bible, looking at it as a book full of inspiring stories that will enlighten us, but this takes us away from the hero of the Bible - Jesus! The Bible is not just information, it is about transformation. Informing ourselves and being intelligent is good, but the whole point of the Bible is telling us about Jesus and enabling us to love him. The Bible is all about Jesus and it is only about Jesus.

To believe in the Bible requires faith and this comes from God. A by-product of faith is holiness. So by faith, we will love him more and by loving him more, we will become more like him, therefore, we will be holy.

Another point is that the Old Testament was written by prophets, but the New Testament was written by eye-witnesses. The prophets were told about what the apostles saw and experienced. The New Testament is all about eye-witness accounts and so it was not made up. Peter says in 2 Peter 1:16-18 that what they wrote was not "cleverly invented stories". Along with this verse, there are other verses in the New Testament which back up the fact that the Bible was not made up - 2 Timothy 3:16 (scripture is God-breathed and useful for teaching, rebuking, training and correcting), 2 Peter 1:20-21 (the prophet's were inspired and didn't make it up) and in 2 Peter 3:15-16 (Peter refers to Paul's letters as Scripture). Not accepting the truth of the Bible reveals a hardness of heart.

Finally, there are two ways to view Scripture:

1. You have authority over it and so you can pick and choose what you believe.

2. You are under the authority of Scripture and so you change your mind, repent and submit to it in humility.

Peter ends this section by saying that all this is so wonderful that even the angels long to look into it. Fallen angels have no chance of repentance, but we fallen humans have a chance to repent and be saved because of Jesus. They have no hope, but we have hope in Jesus. He has given us a way out of this life of sin and a way into an eternity in heaven with him. :)

Trial and Jesus

Trial and Jesus

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade - kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God's power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith - of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire - may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honour when Jesus is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls."

(1 Peter 1:3-9 NIV)

The main focus of this sermon was on verse 6 - grieved by various trials, but greatly rejoicing. Trials are what all of us go through at various stages of our lives and this causes many of us to be grieved. There is no sin in grieving because Jesus was also grieved by his suffering. As Christians, we should not hide behind the lie that we should be smiley, happy, positive people all the time.

Grieving takes many forms. It can be a heaviness that hangs over us, anxiety about the future leading to difficulty in getting to sleep, dread, fear, malignant sadness, deep sorrow, weeping, despair and depression. In these times, our friends will try to counsel us and sometimes this causes us more pain. They may be like Job's friends asking us to confess sin believing that God sent the trial to punish us. They may also be painful friends in that they don't seek to understand and grieve you, but tell you instead to 'be positive' or that 'you're a winner'. This is because many of us fail to realise that sorrow and trial are a very real part of being a Christian that the Bible talks about sorrows as well as joys. What we have to remember is that Jesus was described in Isaiah as the 'man of sorrows' and that Jesus was not immune to sorrow and suffering.

Another lie is that in grief, Jesus will fix everything. The Bible does not say this. Of course, in the midst of trial, it is not wrong to pray that God will deliver us from it, but it may not be his will to do so. False teachers claim that God will fix it if you pray hard enough or have enough faith, but this will only lead to more pain because what if it doesn't happen? What will you do then? The Bible does promise, however, that God will get us through our trial and that he will be there with us. The purpose of trial is to purify us so that we can be more like Jesus.

The correct response to suffering and trial is to rejoice. This is not a feeling that you can muster up, but an action that we should will ourselves to perform. Later I'll list the 10 reasons in the text for us to rejoice, but for now, these are some more natural responses to trial:

- You judge God - just because the trial may obscure God, does not mean that he ceases to be God or that he ceases to be good.

- You envy people - you want what they have because they are not suffering like you, but envy is a sin.

- Fall into self-pity - not only is this a form of pride, but it causes you to focus on yourself and takes your focus off God.

- You run to a 'functional saviour' - you go to alcohol, a boyfriend/girlfriend, sex, food or anything else other than God, but instead of relieving the trial, it only exacerbates it.

Once again, the correct response, though it doesn't come naturally to us, is to rejoice. It is not wrong to feel grief, but we should respond in rejoicing. We should give God the glory and focus on the weightiness and importance of God instead of the weightiness and importance of the trial.

Here are 10 reasons and ways that Peter gives to rejoice:

1. Verse 3: "In his great mercy" - a lot of our trials are a result of sin, but God is present, loving and affectionate. The world is not full of mercy, but God is.
2. Verse 3: "he has given us new birth" - he has caused us to be born again. He has given us salvation and therefore, a complete re-orientation of who we are.
3. Verse 3: "living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead" - because Jesus has conquered death and is alive, the source of our hope is also alive.
4. Verse 4: "into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade" - the treasure in heaven that we store up instead of here on earth will never be destroyed.
5. Verse 4: "kept in heaven for you" - this is a reminder that the earth is not ultimately our home, but heaven is. One day, this will all get better because we will be with our saviour for eternity.
6. Verse 5: "shielded by God's power" - our salvation is secure. When you don't feel like you can hold on to God, he will hold on to you. When you feel like you can't walk with him, he will carry you.
7. Verse 6: "though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief" - a little while refers to our life here on earth, which is long, but looks like a day in comparison to eternity.
8. Verse 7: " These have come so that your faith - of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire - may be proved genuine" - trial really purifies our faith just like fire purifies gold. For this reason, many of the godliest people we know are the ones who have suffered the most. Don't rejoice in the trial, rejoice in the result of the trial. To God, your faith is much more precious than gold.
9. Verse 8: "Though you have not seen him, you love him" - and though we do not see him, he loves us.
10. Verse 8: "though you do not see him now, you believe in him" - it is in trial that we see if we really believe in him.

And finally in verse 9 we have the whole reason of the trial which will give us yet another reason to rejoice - "for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls". We shouldn't forget that the sanctifying work of the Spirit in our lives is not instantaneous. We are a work in progress and trial is one way God uses to sanctify us and make us more like him.

I hope in this you don't misunderstand. Mark Driscoll does not want us to sing and dance because we are suffering in a masochistic way. He merely means that we should rejoice in anticipation of where the trial will bring us - closer to God, deeper into our knowledge of him and ultimately, we will be more like Jesus and because of these things, we should rejoice.

Trial and Sin

Going to try a new thing. See what you think. I am basically going to write what I've learned from Mark Driscoll's sermons on Trial (1 and 2 Peter). I might also intersperse it with things I've noted from John Piper's book "Battling Unbelief". I don't know. I hope it encourages your walk.

Trial and Sin

"Peter, an apostle of Jesus Christ,

To God's elect, stranger in the world, scattered throughout Pontus, Galatia, Cappadocia, Asia and Bithynia, who have been chosen according to the foreknowledge of God the Father, through the sanctifying of the Spirit, for obedience to Jesus Christ and sprinkling by his blood:

Grace and peace be yours in abundance."

(1 Peter 1:1-2 NIV)

Though these are just 2 verses, in these two verses we get all the truth of our salvation - namely that we are elect, we have been chosen by God, we are sanctified by the Spirit and therefore we can obey Jesus.

I don't know what your viewpoint is on election and predestination. I don't mean to cause a stir, but in these verses we are told that we are elect and God foreknew us. We know from Romans 3:10-18 that we didn't seek God because we were lost and we all sought our own way. Despite our unwillingness to follow God, God chose us and enabled us to have a relationship with him. We didn't do anything to deserve his grace and yet he pours it out on us anyway.

We know from the outpouring of his grace that God is never going to fail us and we are never going to surprise him with our sin. On the cross, Jesus died for our sins - past, present and future. We are no longer condemned, but have been given the right as sons and daughters to approach the throne of grace which we can approach in prayer.

Once we believe by faith in the truth of our salvation, we are given the Holy Spirit, who works in us to sanctify us, which means he is transforming us from the inside out so that we may one day be like Jesus. Phillipians 1:6 reminds us that we are a work in progress, but that God will finish what he started. The Spirit also transforms our desires, so that the closer we are brought to God, the more we desire to get closer.

Peter also refers to us as 'strangers'. The ESV uses the word 'exiles' instead, which makes his idea a lot clearer. The world is not our home, but heaven is. To make the world home is to make yourself depressed. It can't satisfy because we are being made for an eternity with our Saviour. This doesn't mean that life on earth is easy. To be a Christian means to be at war and we will be persecuted.

Persecution comes in two forms. In the West, what we experience may be verbal persecution - snide remarks by friends and colleagues, people maligning Christians, people calling us all stupid and misguided, etc. This gradually eats away at us and takes away our joy. The persecution that our brothers and sisters in the East face is physical. They put us to shame because they face up to it, but we merely try to be politically correct and sometimes say nothing at all.

There are 5 ways to respond to our form of persecution:

- Be liberal - take what seems palatable from the Bible and leave behind the things that make us uncomfortable

- Privatise your faith - keep silent and keep your faith to yourself without sharing it with anyone

- Quit - life as a Christian is too hard, so we give up under pressure

- Be fundamental - instead of loving our enemies and showing them gentleness, we fight against them

Or

- Live as an exile - this means living as a missionary and living differently, not for our glory, but for God's glory.

I don't know what this looks like, but the early Christians loved their enemies in such a way that they too became fellow followers of Christ. We are to do this too. It is easy to retaliate and not love, but we are to love and forgive others as Jesus has loved and forgiven us. This is really scary, but we have to look at Peter as an example. He was, at the beginning of his faith, like us - someone who was afraid and affected by what people thought of him. The New Testament gives us two examples of when Peter caved in to the fear of man - when he denied Jesus three times and when he followed the Judaisers, who expected the Gentile Christians to live as Jews. However, church history records that Peter was so transformed later in his life that he was willing to die crucified upside-down instead of denying Jesus.

Like Peter, we should keep our eyes on Jesus and trust in the sanctifying work of the Spirit. If we persevere in our faith, we too will be transformed so that we will pay more attention to what God thinks of us and not what people think of us. By God's grace, I hope we will all become people who will be bold for Jesus and will be vessels God uses to bring people to Him and to disciple them.

Update

Just a quick update, my boss has offered to pay €160 of the total cost, which is €560. I am still waiting to hear from the landlord and I'm hoping I can pay it in €50 installments. Thanks for praying.

Sorry for shamelessly posting a prayer request on my blog, but why not. The more people praying the better, right?

Here's the background. In April, I looked after my boss's cats and stayed at her flat. She was on a business trip. Everything was fine when I left, but when she came back, there was a crack in her ceramic stove top and it gradually became so bad that it cracked all the way across the stove top. As it wasn't damaged before she left and I didn't take a photo of the stove top before I left, it looks like I did it and therefore I am liable to pay for the damage and repair costs.

My boss has tried to use her third party liability insurance and her home contents insurance, but neither of these has agreed to cover the costs and so it is up to me. My stance has been that I am willing to pay, but the problem is that I am not in a position to pay the whole amount at once. Right now, work is very slow - I'm freelance, so I get paid only when there is work - and I have just about enough money for all my regular costs and not much extra.

My boss has given my email address to her landlord and I am hoping to negotiate a repayment plan. Please pray that we will be able to come to an agreement that I can afford and if not, that I will trust that God knows all about this and that He will provide for me. I'd really appreciate your prayers, as I really don't know where the extra money will come from. Thanks! :)

Two posts in one day!! Well, I wanted this to be an encouragement - since it encouraged me. Please go on and read the 'Joy in Suffering' post first and come back to this version of Charlotte Elliot's hymn "Just as I am".

Just as I am without one plea

But that thy blood was shed for me

And that thou bidst me come to thee

Oh Lamb of God I come! I come!

Just as I am and waiting not

To rid my soul of one dark blot

To thee whose blood can cleanse each spot

Oh Lamb of God I come! I come!

I come broken to be mended

I come wounded to be healed

I come desperate to be rescued

I come empty to be filled

I come guilty to be pardoned

By the blood of Christ the Lamb

And I'm welcomed with open arms

Praise God! Just as I am

Just as I am I would be lost

But mercy and grace my freedom bought

And now to glory in your cross

Oh Lamb of God I come! I come!

How great to have a God who loves us just as we are and where we're at and will lovingly cleanse us from all sin and deliver us from our trials if we come to Him in prayer and surrender our lives to Him. :)

Joy in Suffering

So, I've been listening to Mark Driscoll's sermons on Phillipians and this one - the third in the series - is amazing. Well, his teaching is generally good. But I wanted to share some things that he said because they really encouraged me.

I'll only be sharing extracts, so they may not be so coherent. To listen to the whole sermon - or in fact, the whole series - go to marshill.com The series is entitled "The Rebel's Guide to Joy".

"...in large part, to be alive means that you will suffer; that you will suffer physically, and emotionally, and spiritually, and mentally, and relationally. And the Bible is so replete with suffering that roughly one third of the Psalms, which are songs and Psalms sung of God’s people in praise and gratitude to God, one third of those or more include Psalms of lament, where God’s people are groaning, and struggling, and wrestling, in a lamenting fashion with the difficulty of sin."

"And human suffering is so real, and so raw, and so replete throughout Scripture that there are, occasionally, those in Scripture who, despite their great love of God, question why they were even born, cursed the day of their own birth. Perhaps, you can identify with them. Perhaps, you have or are suffering to such a degree that you wake up and, occasionally, look in the mirror and ask, “Why, God, was I ever born? It seems like it is nothing but sorrow, and shame, and suffering, and why in the world would I be brought into an existence that is marked by this level of pain?

If so, then Job and Jeremiah would echo your sentiment. Those two men in the Bible asked the question of God, “Why was I born? Why did I leave my mother’s womb to see nothing but sorrow, and shame, and strife, and suffering, all the days of my life?”"

"You and I can only handle seeing so much suffering, and hearing so much suffering, and we reach a point where we simply cannot continue to see it or hear of it. And I want you to, for a moment, consider with me what it must be like that we are incapable of fully experiencing this; what it must be like to be God. The Bible tells us that God sees everything. That means that God sees all injustice, evil, sin, atrocity, pain and suffering. He sees all of it. There is never a moment that God is not seeing suffering. Unlike you and I, God never has a moment of respite.

Additionally, the Bible teaches us that God hears all. There is never a moment that God does not hear those who are weeping, and wailing, and screaming, and shouting, and crying, and moaning in agony, and pain, and suffering. And God endures this continually, unendingly, unceasingly. And the Bible says that God is good. That God is loving. That God is merciful. That God is compassionate. And you and I, when we see suffering in our life for the life of others, when we hear of suffering in our life or the life of others, we are overwhelmed. And for God, this is continual and it encompasses every human being on the earth."

"You and I will suffer. Will we suffer in a way that is purposeful that God might do something in us or through us, or will we suffer in a way that is purposeless, that nothing good would be accomplished in us and that nothing good would be accomplished through us?"

"You and I will suffer. Paul, here, is suffering. And what Paul is exemplifying for us is that there is a way to suffer as a Christian so that our suffering is purposeful and not purposeless. My question to you is this: when you suffer, because the question is not if, when you suffer, will you suffer in a way that is purposeful or purposeless? Will you suffer in a way that God could do a good thing in you? We call it sanctification. It is where through suffering, and hardship, and pain and mourning, and loss and strife, and struggling, we are made to be more and more patterned after the character of Jesus Christ. Or will suffering, for you, become an opportunity that you allow to pass you by so that God is not able, because of your stubbornness to do anything good in you?"

"You will suffer. Will you suffer well? Will you suffer in such a way that God, through Jesus Christ, could do something good in you; grow you in love, and mercy, and patience, and kindness, and faith, and humility, and Christ-likeness. My first question is will your suffering compel you to love Jesus more? Some of you know what I’m talking about. You have suffered, and because of your suffering, you love Jesus because in your suffering, you lost everyone and everything but Jesus, and he’s the only treasure you have.

Some of you, in your suffering, have learned to love Jesus more because you realize that our God didn’t stay distant and far away. Unlike the false demon gods of other religions, he was willing to humbly come into human history and our God suffered because of that. When you suffer, you love him so much because he chose suffering in a way that you and I would never choose to suffer."

"Have you suffered? Are you suffering? In what way has or could God, if you would partner with him in the suffering, use it to accomplish something good in you? And if you will partner with God in that way, he will take what he has worked into you and he will work it through you as a witness so that, as the world sees you suffer, and as the church sees you suffer, they see that Jesus is making a difference. They see that Jesus is at work. They see that you are suffering in a way that you absolutely could not apart from Jesus. Will your suffering be purposeless in you? Will it be purposeless through you? Or will it be purposeful in you, and will it be purposeful through you? I am begging you not to waste your suffering. Your tears should not be in vain. Your struggle should not be in vain. Your hardship should not be in vain. It should not be wasted. It should not be neglected. It should not be abandoned. It should be embraced as Gospel centered, Jesus given, divine opportunity. Paul is demonstrating that for us."

"...will the Christians who watch you suffer, and hear you suffer grow in their faith? Will they become more bold? Paul says, “What has happened to me, brothers, has really served to advance the Gospel.” Some of the Christians were timid. They were shy. They were embarrassed a little bit about Jesus. They didn’t wanna say his name and now, the Christians have become more bold. They say, ‘Yes, I am a Christian. Yes, I do love Jesus. Yes, I do belong to Jesus.’ Christians are watching other Christians suffer and we may articulate a theology, but we demonstrate true belief with how we suffer."

"You will suffer. Will you suffer well? Will you suffer purposefully or purposelessly? Will you suffer in such a way that God does a work in you and through you or will you waste it? Will your waste your sickness, and your poverty, and your hardship, and your loneliness, and your tears, and your grief, and your sadness, and your sorrow, and your suffering? What a great tragedy it would be for you to waste all of that.

There was American missionary to India. His name was E. Stanley Jones. He has a great quote that I think articulates so much of what Paul is trying to summarize. He says this: "Don't bear trouble. Use it." "Don't bear trouble. Use it. Take whatever happens, justice and injustice, pleasure and pain, compliment and criticism, take it up into the purpose of your life and make something out of it. Turn it," he says, "into a testimony." "Into a testimony.""

Ok, so Mark Driscoll goes on to talk about 10 false teaching about suffering, but this is already a very long post, so I am going to leave it there. There's enough for you to chew on and to think about. I really recommend listening to the whole sermon. :)

Wow! I haven't blogged since March!! Goodness! So much has happened since then. My timetable totally filled up and I've been so busy.

Anyway, what's going on now is that I am struggling to really understand what it means that God is sovereign and that He is good and, particularly, good to me. I went on the church retreat in June and there I really realised that I can believe that God is good to you, but to me, no way. To me, He only sends difficulty and I can't expect anything good from God. So, obviously, I was convicted of this thinking and wanted to change.

What I did when I got back was study the book of Ruth. The book of Ruth, of course, is a book all about God's goodness and sovereignty - particular at times when it seems like God is not working at all. I loved the study I did. I did it mainly by listening to the Redeeming Ruth series by Mark Driscoll and John Piper's sermons on Ruth. I loved those sermons and learned a lot, though since then and having prayed that God would show me what it means that He is sovereign and that He is good to me, it seems like my life has become more difficult than it was before.

I won't go into details of the difficulties, as they are mainly financial. Anyway, my point is that my heart is at the point of giving up. I feel so heavy under the weight of it all that I don't really know what to do. I know what I should do is pray, but I feel like I have no strength. I am, unfortunately, at a point where I have lost all motivation to read God's word. This is ironic because I know in my heart of hearts that this is exactly what I should do.

Well, my main struggle is that my heart is turning bitter. It seems like things are going so well for my friends and for me, it's going in the opposite direction. This is, of course, not entirely true as my job is going really well. I am established as a really good teacher and my timetable is full most of the time. There are down periods, of course, but I still have enough money to pay my bills and to socialise. My church has come through and helped me with the big bills that came out of nowhere. I have support in dealing with the issues I have to deal with and there are people praying for me. I have become a member of the church and I have made some real friends.

So what's the problem? The problem for me is the apparent ease of other people's lives. I feel like I am constantly hiking up a steep hill where my friends are strolling along a plateau. I have very little idea if that is actually true or not because I feel bad thinking it and so I haven't asked them.

I guess I thought one of the reasons that God brought me to Germany was to develop my career. I am beginning to see that the main reason was to develop my spiritual life. I have learned so much more about God and me in relation to Him since I started going back to church last year and I feel right now more than ever I am being refined and pounded. There is a part of me that is joyful because I know at the end of all this I will be more beautiful on the inside and more of a reflection of God's glory than I am now. And that will be amazing. Of course, I won't be 'done', but I will be that much closer to the woman God wants me to be and that brings a part of me so much excitement. Unfortunately, a bigger part of me is just so tired of the constant 'pounding'. I know as 'clay' we have to be, so that we can be moulded into the right shape, but goodness! When will it stop?!

I feel like Naomi at the beginning of the book of Ruth. I feel like saying, just like she did, "Do not call me Naomi; call me Mara, for the Almighty has dealt very bitterly with me. I went away full, but the Lord has brought me back empty." My hope is, of course, found at the end of the book of Ruth where Naomi's life has done a complete 180. Her life is full again and it was God who did it all. I don't mean, of course, wealth and prosperity - except that my spiritual life will be full of it - but I know God will work it out, that God is working though I can't see it and that God is with me now even though I can't feel it. I know because I see it in His word and He is always the same, never changing. Still, it's hard being in the middle of it and not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel with my eyes, but knowing that there is a light by the very little faith I have at the moment.

This is the day that the Lord has made

... I will rejoice and be glad in it. Or will I?

What is joy? What does it mean to rejoice in the Lord always? I have no idea!

Recently my mum told me that God had said to her that I have no joy in my life. Since then, at least 3 people have said the same. Joy is one of the fruits of the Spirit. Why do I lack it? This is something I have been thinking through, but the only conclusion I could come to was because I was looking too much at my own life and not enough at God.

Tonight I was listening to a sermon by Todd Nighswonger from Cornerstone Simi. He was talking about being filled with the Spirit and what is really means. Now, a lot of it was pretty intense, so I am not sure that I got all of it. But the part that spoke to me most was the part about joy. We don't rejoice in God when we try to live our lives apart from him. We are not filled with the Spirit when we try to do things our way and expect God to bless it. So, I guess that's a big part of why I don't have joy. I am still trying to live my life and ask God to join in when he should be the centre of my universe and I should follow him.

Ok, how do you not get overwhelmed and bogged down by this? I have a tendency to always look at all the sin in my life, and then I realise that there must be more beneath the surface because I am not aware of half the filth in me and I feel condemned. And then you have to remind yourself that condemnation is of the enemy and not of God because God doesn't condemn us. Our awareness of sin should lead us to repentance, forgiveness, God's grace and his mercy. Which I guess should lead to joy. How do you get out of this cycle?

What does it mean to rest in God's peace? What does it mean to rely on God's strength to get you through the day? What does it mean to redeem the time for the days are evil? I don't know. Ok, so I know what it means, but how does one apply it to one's life? Any ideas?!

I don't want to be a joyless person. I don't want to be someone who doesn't know God. I want to say "This is the day that the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it" and not be sarcastic.

Anyone worked through this and get to the other side?

Grace is always undeserved

This week I have been overwhelmed by so many things. So many things are happening in every one's lives around me. I don't really know how to deal with it. What I should have done is prayed about it all, but as yet, I haven't.

I have been struggling financially for the past few weeks and on Thursday, someone gave me a vast sum of money because God had placed it on their heart to do so. I was so blessed at the generosity of someone I really haven't known for long. She gave it to me so that I can start putting money aside for going to Malaysia.

However, this situation has revealed to me just how short-sighted I am by God's provision. As you may remember from a post earlier this year, I have a horrible tax situation coming up with a bill that may amount to close to £4000. As much as God has been good to provide some money toward me saving to go to Malaysia, I am questioning this fear and anxiety that is building up in my heart about this tax situation. I wish I could explain everything, but it really is so very complicated.

I had a very long conversation with one of my friends today about various things, but at the very end she said, "You have seen God's provision first-hand in your life this week. Do you really believe that in this tax situation where you are trying to do the right thing and the legal thing, with the intention of honouring God through it - do you really think that God's provision will not come through for that?" All I can do is answer honestly - my head knows that she's right, but my heart is prone to becoming anxious about it.

I also realised that I have such a huge tendency to focus on the mountain in front of me and not on God. Don't I remember that God is bigger than the mountain?

Another thing going through my mind is how much I didn't deserve to have this nice thing happen to me when so many of my friends have had such a bad week this week. But another thing I was reminded of is that in all these things, God is being good. To all of us. He is doing something and in that something He is drawing us closer to Him and shaping us into the people He wants us to be. And don't I know that nothing that we have is deserved? Aren't our daily lives a picture of the undeserved grace of God?

I guess this is why it is important to spend time with God daily. We need that consistent reminder of who God is and I guess this is why God always asked the Israelites to remember who He is and what He did for them in the past. It is only in this constant reminder of God's past faithfulness that we can truly be assured of His faithfulness in the present and future.

Into the Wild

Have any of you seen the movie "Into the Wild"? I just watched it tonight. It is about a young guy who was disillusioned by the world, particularly because people were so horrible to each other. According to him, people threw the word 'love' around a lot, but were still really horrible to each other. He also thought that money was evil and gave the remainder of his life savings to Oxfam. Throughout the film, whenever he had money, he used it for supplies or, a couple of times, he just burned it. So, because he thought he knew better, he decided to go off alone and live in the wild. He came across many people throughout his journey and with his candidness and honesty, he solved a few problems and really touched some people. His big aim though was to get away from everyone and live alone in the wilderness of Alaska. He achieved his dream.

The irony of the whole movie was, right before the end, he realised that he couldn't be truly happy without people and so he packed up all his stuff and set off back home, however, a river that he'd forded in the winter had expanded into a torrent and he couldn't cross it without endangering his life. Then he faced a period of hunger, which led him to look for plants and berries that he could eat. In his haste, he ate the wrong plant and this led to a slow and painful death, during which time he reflected on his decisions and died alone. Only 2 weeks later, moose hunters found him and finally his family, who hadn't heard from him for 2 years, had word of what had happened to him. Two weeks! If only he could have survived till then! But then, perhaps it was already too late and what happened was inevitable...

The other movie that is about how you can't survive on your own is '127 Hours'. I've only watched a featurette on it and an interview with the guy who inspired the movie. But this guy thought he could make it on his own too and then ended up stuck in a gorge for 127 hours with his hand trapped behind a boulder and eventually he had to cut it off so that he could leave.

I just wanted to mention the other movie because it came into my head and is vaguely related to the thoughts that resulted from the 'Into the Wild' movie... Also, both brought Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 to mind (Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up.)

Why am I posting about this? Well, this year God has told me will be the year I finally let the pain that I've been carrying around with me for the last 4 or 5 years go. The pain that was caused all those years ago by certain and various people. The pain that has so warped my view of human relationships that I don't even recognise it when people care. The pain that prevents me from admitting I'm vulnerable and I need help. The pain that has made me forget what it is like to have people in my life that I can rely on. The pain that has made me so sensitive to people's actions that the moment they slip up I turn around to them and say, "See, I knew you never really cared". The pain that, if taken to the extreme, would have led me to do exactly what the guy in the movie did - leave every one and every thing behind because 'love' is just a word for most people, if not all of them.

One of the people that were briefly in his life was a man called Ron Franz, who said to him "But when you forgive, you love. And when you love, God's light shines through you."

Isn't this what God said to me this time last year when my church started to go through 1 John? I still remember the impact of 1 John 2:9-11. (Anyone who claims to be in the light but hates his brother is still in the darkness. Whoever loves his brother lives in the light, and there is nothing in him to make him stumble. But whoever hates his brother is in the darkness and walks around in the darkness; he does not know where he is going, because darkness has blinded him.)

So, letting go is a painful process. This pain has become a part of me. It has made his home in me. It has grown into all the recesses of my heart and it's roots are deep within me. For God to bring me closer to the woman He intended me to be, this pain will have to be uprooted, thrown out and destroyed. I have to open myself up to the people He has put into my life, trust them, love them and I have to forgive them. They are not responsible for my past hurt. And my present hurt is really caused by me. It's going to be one long, painful process, but at the end of it, I will be free of that, healed and more whole than I was at the beginning.

The realisation the guy had at the end of the film was that happiness is nothing if it isn't shared. This brought to mind the fact that God created us to be in relationship with one another. In Christ, we are a body and a family. We all need each other and we were all created to function together. That means me too. And this is a great barrier to me using my gifts in the church God has brought me to...

If you pray for me, pray for me as I battle within myself because I do not want to let this go. I feel justified in my pain and use it as an excuse to not be a part of this church and small group that God has put me in. I use it as an excuse to keep people at a distance. In any case, if God says I have to let it go, I have to. He knows best after all! Pray that I submit and that I don't struggle. And pray for the people in my life, that they will have all the patience they need to love me and help me through this process. Thank you.

Stewardship

What do you think of when you hear the term 'stewardship'? Since going back to church last year, I've really been convicted about being a good steward of what God has given me - especially when it comes to my flat and how I treat it and care for it. That's where it started. It has since gone to how I treat my body, my time, money and now, to the gifts God has given me.

I've been up and down when it comes to caring about my flat. I came back this year with a new conviction to clean my flat and really keep it tidy. So far, I've made good progress and I'm hoping that by the end of the week or the middle of next week, all I'll have to do is maintain it. Of course, I always aim for that, but at some point, I lose track of why I'm doing it. Still, it is something I feel God has placed on my heart to honour Him in and I will keep trying and praying that He will help me to honour Him there.

What I've started praying about is also how to honour God in time, at work and with money. Today on the way to work I was listening to a 'sermon' on my iPod. It was by Cornerstone Church in Simi Valley and it was more a question and answer session from 28 November 2010. I recommend listening to it. Really challenging and I found that I agreed with everything, which meant that I had to put what God has convicted me of into practise. With time and work, I'd already realised and started praying about it. With money, I'd just scratched the surface and saw my lack of trust that God really would provide for all my needs and wants. I also saw what my attitude was when it came to tithing and that this also had to do with my lack of trust - very much like the Israelites who took more manna then they needed because they didn't think there'd be any the day after.

So, with my body, I really need to start doing exercise and cook more for myself. Also, I need to start incorporating more fruit and vegetables into my diet and cut down on coffee. I'm leaving the food and body part till February because I still have some stuff to do with my flat and I want to get that in order before I do anything else. I realise that my aims are too unrealistic and so I usually fail and then give up. Part of what I learned over Christmas was to set realistic goals and to realise that you probably will fail for whatever reason, but to pick yourself up and move on. So far, it has worked. Taking the whole week into perspective and assigning tasks for each day. Really going well. Flat first, then body.

The money issue really got to me because it was an offence to God and how can I doubt His goodness and faithfulness?! But the one that really cut me deep in this question and answer session was about what you're doing with the gifts God gave you. Man! I'm doing nothing. I swear I am just hiding! I've buried my talents in the ground. The guy who was speaking basically reminded me of the truth, which is that God put me in this church and He gave me certain gifts and He gave them to me to be a blessing in the church that I am in. They are not just for me. They are God's, given to me for His glory and to be a blessing to my brothers and sisters in Christ.

Don't get me wrong. I am doing some things like Sunday School and serving tea and coffee, but I could really be singing and looking out for more ways to get involved. A big reason I'm not doing more is fear. I was so involved at CU and my last church. I don't want to be taken for granted and used again. Also, the other side of it is a lack of love for the people in my church. Sure, there are people that I really care about, but I want to hide and not be seen. I want to be able to run away if I feel threatened. But here also reveals the lack of trust I have in the goodness and perfection of God's will for my life. Do I really think that I went to MICC by chance? No! I don't. And just like the hand can't say to the foot, "I don't need you!" I can't as a member of the body if Christ say that to the church and I also can't say that I will not do the task that God has brought me here to do.

Of course, I will now seriously have to start praying about how God wants me to serve the people in my life and the church He has put me

I always find the beginning of a new year really difficult. It seems like there is always so much to think about and process. This year it was particularly difficult because the year ended so quickly. I feel like it was Christmas and New Year before I was ready for it. I mean, don't get me wrong, I was so ready for a holiday, but where did the year go? I don't think I have really had a chance to really reflect on the year at all and to be honest, I can't really remember much about the details of this year!!

In summary, things I'm thankful for:

- real friends

I feel like there are at least a couple of people who are really my friends. I have one girl here who is a friend too, but there is something much deeper and more meaningful when the people are Christians.

- relationship with God

Now I can say that I really have a relationship with God again. I need to pray and read the Bible and establish some sort of routine where I am spending time with God daily. I did that over the holidays and it was so beneficial. I totally felt the difference.

- a church and small group

OK, so my church isn't perfect, but which one is? And my small group is a little too big. But I have a place to go that has great teaching and I have a small group where I have people who care about me.

- an accountability partner

We haven't been able to meet as regularly as we would have liked because of work and she has to travel for work a lot, but the times we have met have been really great and I know there is a real desire to pray for each other and build each other up in the Lord.

- legal status as a freelancer

It was great that Thomas helped me so much to sort out the pension insurance and I had help establishing my health insurance. Now I have nothing to worry about in terms of the legality of my position. Phew!

Things to pray for for this year:

- tax situation

There is a weird situation with my last employer where basically I was lied to and it seems I have evaded taxes for the last 2 years. I have had a tax adviser for the last few months who has been helping me and he suggested that it might be cheaper for me to pay the taxes back to the UK. I can't go into much detail here, but I have written to the UK tax authorities and have heard nothing as yet. I think my best bet would be to fill in a couple of self-assessment forms for the last 2 years and go from there. But I'm facing a bill of at least £3,500. I don't know where the money will come from and I hope I'll be able to pay it back in installments.

- work

I have 'contracts' with four different schools. It would be great if they offered me more work and I can have more courses with them, as that would mean a little bit of stability. God has been really good for the last couple of months, where I sometimes had almost too much work. It would be great this year to get to a point where I don't constantly have to worry every month about having enough money to live. Praise God I always have enough money to pay my bills and rent!!

- deeper relationship with God and knowledge of the Bible

I would really like to grow closer to God this year and be even closer to the woman He wants me to be. My aim is to be like Ruth, who submitted to God's will, patient, gentle and obeyed without question. Also, would like to make a commitment to read the Bible - not necessarily study it - but read it. I haven't done that for ages. There is something so uplifting to your spirit just reading or listening to the Bible.

Those are the main things I guess. Feel a little better having taken at least a brief look at my life over the last year and the year ahead. God bless you this new year and I hope He will bless you with a deeper knowledge of Him and His ways. :)

Community

This week the Gospel in Life series that we're working on in church and in small groups is about Community. I thought it would be difficult to take on, but actually the sermon was pretty straightforward and not too difficult. I'm sure it had a lot to do with the fact that I really looked into my heart and found what my idol was and prayed about it. I even wrote it down so that I would remember.

Going back to my idol briefly: What I found interesting was that there was, in fact, only one at the root. But the things I had been focussing on were the results or 'sub-idols' and were not the main issue. My idol, it turns out, was me. I wanted to do things to ensure that I was worshipped and that the focus was on me. I think this was really helpful for me. It made it much easier to swallow the teaching about community because of course it is about the 2 commandments that summarise the Law: Love the Lord God with all your heart, soul and mind and Love your neighbour as you love yourself. God first, then people. NOT God first, then me.

During the sermon, my gut reaction was to recoil and say to myself, "Yeah, but what if I do this and no-one else does". There is of course a very simple answer to that, "Obey". I think the right thing to do and what I have to do is simply to obey God. Regardless if other people are. Going through the study for small group tomorrow should be really interesting - especially looking at areas I should improve in. One of them being loving people who are unattractive. My idol showed me that I only wanted to be 'friends' or associated with certain people because they would in turn make me look attractive or popular. That is in fact not what we should be doing as Christians. We should love our brothers and sisters in Christ as He loves us. All of them - not just the pretty ones, nice ones or popular ones.

Then I would like to learn what I should do with the people who are already in my life. How should I best love and serve them? I have a friend who is very similar to me in that he also wants to live in isolation. For me, I still want to be around people though I find it difficult to admit I need help and to ask for help because I don't trust people. For him, he seems to trust people, yet very rarely wants to be around them. Our pastor spoke about how the Western world view is all about being an independent, self-sufficient individual, but God's view that we are an interdependent community, family or a body, where we work together for the good of all and not just for ourselves. God is already working in me on this area and I'd like to learn how to also help others. Not fix them, because I am no better.

Actually, that was another really good thing about the sermon - the reminder that we are not better than anyone else. We are all - ALL - sinners saved by the grace of God and that any good in us is really the outworking of the Spirit living in us and not actually us. That was a great reminder and puts Philippians verse in context -"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves". We can't be conceited because we have nothing to be conceited about. What I can boast about - God's saving grace, the Gospel of truth- is the same thing my brother or sister in Christ can boast about too.

Anyway, I have forgotten the reason I wanted to post in the first place... So, I'll stop now before this stream of consciousness distracts me any further...

I feel a bit overwhelmed. I have had so much great teaching since the women's retreat in the middle of October, that I feel like my brain really doesn't know how to cope. I'm not entirely sure where I should begin and what I have to change first. There seems to be too much. The problem then is the temptation to do it all at once and I'm almost certain it will lead to failure and then discouragement.

So how do you prioritise the things in your life that you have to fix? Any ideas? Is it only by praying? Do you go with the one that you are struggling with now?

The thing is - if we look at idols - the issue is not the idol itself, but why it is an idol in the first place. What are the underlying issues? And we have to think about it with EVERY one of them. And then, we have to get rid of it and replace it with the gospel. It sounds so straighforward, but really it's so difficult.

But I suppose this comes down to my last post too, doesn't it? Turn your eyes away from yourself and fix them on Jesus. When you turn to an idol, you think it can satisfy you more than God, but it can't. It never will be able to. Hmmm... I guess the thing is to stop being anxious and start praying...

Idols

I suppose it has dawned on most people that the reason that God speaks out against having idols is because they really destroy your life. When you have one - or two or three - it distracts from the one thing that can satisfy you, i.e. God. Why is it that we have them in the first place? And how do you get to a point where an idol is more important than God?

I'm not so good at remembering Bible verses, but worship songs also help:

Hungry, I come to you for I know you satisfy.

I am empty, but I know your love does not run dry.

AND

Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Look full in His wonderful face,
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,
In the light of His glory and grace.

How do you get rid of an idol? That was what the sermon today was about. First, I should repent and then rejoice in the truth of the Gospel and then rest in God. Those were the basic three points. Wouldn't it be nice if repentance was a one off thing and not something you had to do every day?

It's funny, isn't it, that a simple desire, that in itself is not a bad thing, can slowly turn into an obsession and take over your life? So much so that when that desire is not fulfilled, it's almost like your whole world falls apart around you. Thinking about it, it's so obvious that it's clearly wrong, but how many of us have fallen into that trap?

The key is always the same, isn't it? Pray, and spend time in the word. Get to know God. Recognise his voice. Learn what his will is. Rely on his strength to be able to do it. It's so simple and yet so difficult to do daily.

I want to want God for his sake and not for the blessings. If only it were easy to live every day knowing and believing with your whole heart that because we have God, we already have everything we could possibly want and need.

Serving God

So, throughout the last month I have been pretty miserable about the fact that I haven't had much work and I have had far too much time to think and daydream and basically waste my time. But at the weekend, I finally sat down and stopped sulking for a bit and did a Bible study and prayed. This was mainly because I was on Sunday School and I really didn't want to do it without having spent some time with God. It occurred to me that I have spent so much time thinking how I would achieve something, thinking through what I should do to get what I want and sulking about how I don't have much work. But, I think God wants me to be here in Munich, in the church I am currently going to and to be in the lives of the people who have come into my life. And I haven't been using time to serve God or the people in my life or church. It occurred to me - FINALLY - that there must've been a reason God gave me so much time and I misused it.

My Bible study and a couple of sermons I have heard recently have dealt with this issue. I am here to serve God and not to serve myself. The sermon I heard this morning really moved me and challenged me. I have been wasting sooo much time!! I spoke to my pastor at small group last night and told him that I'd like to use my time to serve people, so if he hears of anything I might be able to do, I could do it. And I really need to start praying about what God wants me to do here or if he doesn't want me here, then I need to be able to leave here despite the attachments I have now. I also really need to devote time to God because I need to be able to recognise the voice of God and to follow his leading. I can't do this without spending time with God and getting to know him.

My life has been so consumed with a boy in particular and work and all other crap. I haven't asked God what he wants me to do here. My life was saved for more than just waiting to be a wife, working as a teacher and earning money. It is supposed to be about serving God and being in a relationship with him. I need to put him first and realise with my whole being that what he wants is best and his way is so much better than mine.

Your will, Lord, not mine.

A prayer

Creator of all

Lord of my heart

Unoriginal statements

Still true.

You know what I need

And what I want

I give them all to you.

Take it -

This unnecessary burden I carry.

The difficulties of living for you

The uphill struggle

The constant battle

You know all about it.

You are there.

Help me to rely on you.

Clear out my heart

Be it's captor and conqueror

Be my Lord and lover of my soul.

Rule in me.

Reign in me.

Make me yours -

Only yours.

I need you.

Why is it so hard to ask God for what you want?

I don't know if this is something you struggle with. But there has been something niggling inside of me for the past few weeks that I know I should pray about, but I haven't. The problem is, as a result, I haven't done any Bible study and haven't prayed at all. As much as I've been going to church and hanging out with Christians, I really haven't done anything about my personal relationship with God.

On the outside, I am nice, kind, sweet and very likeable, but only God and I know what goes on on the inside. To be godly is difficult. To do what the Bible tells you to is difficult. To rely on God's strength is difficult. To take every thought captive and so on and so on is difficult. I'm such a horrible, filthy sinner on the inside and that is only what I am aware of. Who knows what God sees when He looks at my heart. This is one reason why I can't and don't want to pray about this thing I want.

I had a conversation with a friend of mine a few weeks ago about this. And there was a sermon at church about it. What I try to keep in mind is nothing I have is deserved and God gives it to me anyway. He gives me food to eat, enough money for each month, He gave me a nice flat to live in, put nice people in my life, and so on and so on. I feel ashamed to ask Him for more because I haven't been a very good steward of the things He has already given me and for this reason I really don't feel like I would deserve it.

Also, another part is disappointment. My timetable has been absolutely crap this month. I've had whole days where I haven't had any work. And I've had far too much time to think about nonsense. I feel like my mind is blank and trying to think about anything constructive is almost impossible. And when I do have work, it's almost like I can't be bothered and I can't wait to get it over and done with. I am ridiculously ungrateful.

The third part is guilt. I've left it so long since I've prayed or done a Bible study that I feel bad for praying about something I want because I don't feel I have the right. Also, the last couple of times I've done a Bible study, I've done it half-heartedly. I didn't give God the credit and honour He's due. My heart and mind are in a bad place and I need to ask God to get me out of it, but I can't.

People look at me like I'm a godly woman and I don't know why. I am so crap at honouring God daily. Or even wanting to honour Him daily, hourly or even every minute. I know that everybody struggles and that God's grace is sufficient for me, but it doesn't make it right or even any better. I wish I could be consistent in my walk with God and that I would really love Him, not so I can get what I want, but so that what I want wouldn't matter because it is already what He wants. I want to be in communion with God, to know HIs presence and to do His will, but all I do is run away and try to do things my way, which time and again I have seen is stupid and yet I still insist on my way instead of God's way.

This has been really whiny, but I didn't intend it to be. Reading over the post, it has occurred to me that what I have is a heart problem because I am focussing on the things I want and don't have and not on God. These things - work, too much time, etc - have become an idol because they have taken my focus off of God and put it onto me. Woe is me. I'm a miserable creature. Yes, I was. But God has saved me and Jesus has cleansed me with His blood. I need to live like it. I need to live like I believe it. I need God.