Sorry I haven't written for a while...
Quick update: My faith is not there anymore, I can honestly say. The past two weeks I was in Wolverhampton at a Project International camp and went a bit crazy. Didn't do anything majorly wrong, but definitely wouldn't have done half the things if I'd been here among Christians. In a way, it was good because I got too see who I was without God and got a fair idea of just how bad things could get if I didn't sort myself out. On the other hand though, I had a really good time, but I don't think I would continue to behave int hat way. Essentially, I am still the same Steph, but all the things that were good in me definitely came from God and part of me, though it is getting smaller everyday, still wants it back. I don't know though. It's tough.
I don't know. I think part of me did it to be accepted or something? I do know that over the last couple of years I've become progressively lonelier and lonelier still. And the fact that I have no direction at the moment has thrown me completely. I am lost ina lot of ways. I hope I do find some way back to rationality and reason though, but it'll take time and effort and I hope I will kick myself up my backside and actually do something about it. But with no direction, it's hard to be motivated.
All of this is really affecting the way I look at myself - who am I, what do I look like, am I pretty, how do others perceive me.... All these things are floating around in my head. I don't know what I'm looking for. When I was sure about God, I was sure about who I was and where I stood in the world. Well, not exactly, but I knew I was part of God's plan and I knew it was best. I long for that place, but it'll take such a long time to get back there...
Good to be home though. Looking forward to sleeping in my own bed!
