So I finally got a bike today. I still find it difficult to start and stop. Especially when I have to wait at traffic lights and then ride again. Hopefully I'll get used to it, otherwise I might end up in an accident! Feels good to be on a bike though. Also, there's a section on the website I use to find out public transport times that gives you routes to use on the bike. You can choose anything from the shortest route to green routes, where it directs you via parks and avenues so it's pretty. I chose one that took me from my flat to a bike shop that I know and it was really pretty. It said it'd take me 26 minutes, but in reality it was more like 45! But I guess that was all the stopping at traffic lights and checking my directions. It didn't take as long going back. But I needed a bike lock, so I thought it'd be best if I cycled to bike shop instead of leaving my bike somewhere and then coming back with my lock only to have it stolen! :D

Think the weather's going to be nice tomorrow too so I might go for another bike ride. There's a park not too far from my flat - like 2 mins on a bike - so I might just cycle round that. I had to go through it today on the way to the bike shop. It should be a lot less tiring than today! :) Plus, it's nice to have a little exercise and be able to explore the area round my flat at the same time. It's a shame that the weather's going to get worse soon though, but hopefully there'll be the occasional sunny day that isn't too cold. :)

I don't know if this is the same with you, but sometimes I feel things so strongly that I feel like I'm going to burst. Right now, what I feel is really, really happy for Rosie and Dave. I spent about half an hour on facebook chatting to Dave about his ups and downs with Rosie and I felt in me every sympathy pang I could and then I was so happy about the end that I actually nearly burst out crying!! 

Dave is one of the loveliest men I know - unfortunately, I only know a few, but Dave is definitely one of them. I remember Dave when I first met him and he was so quiet and he seemed to not have any confidence at all, but the last couple of years at uni, he really came out of his shell and - I don't know if you can use this term with a man, but he - blossomed. I feel so sad that I missed out on it because I was part of his quiet life. At least, I'd like to think I was... Haha! I remember hearing of the Rosie and Dave saga and feeling so sorry that Rosie didn't seem to feel what she should for him. But then, you can't force these things on people. Hah!

Anyway... It's all good now. And I'm really happy for them. But if I'm really honest, I'm happy for Dave most of all. Not just because Rosie's lovely, but because he got what he deserved. After all that heartache, there was such a blessing for him and it took years and years of it! I'm so happy that he's finally happy and I wish them both a long and happy future. :)

The other thing is somewhat selfish: I'm happy that I'm happy for them. Genuinely so because it moves me to tears that they're together. It means I can start to love again after all. I thought I'd lost the capacity to genuinely care for people other than my mum, brother, Marjo, Mim, Jonathan, Pete and Katherine. But my heart's open to Rosie and Dave too. And I hope it'll open up more and more so that I can be the loving, caring Steph I used to be. That'll be nice.

This whole thing has given me hope - hope that I can get back to the way I was, but also hope that maybe I'll be able to find happiness like Dave did. :) Sometimes years of heartache pay off after all. Here's hoping!!

Munich

I'm really happy here. I mean, it's not like I wake up every morning with a smile on my face and thank God that I lived long enough to live in Munich or anything. And also, it's not like I was seriously unhappy before, though to be honest, I was quite unhappy just before I left for Bratislava, so I'm glad I did go.

I wish I could meet some Germans who aren't my students though, but that's proving difficult. I have met a couple through my friend Emma, but yeah, I just need to give myself time. I think it's just cos I have so many things going well already that I expect all the other things to follow in the same speed - all other things being German friends and friends outside of work. But my job is good and my flat is good and my students are lovely and the money will be good in a couple of months when I get a full month's pay!

I can't believe how good it is here, but then, it's only the beginning. Maybe in a couple of years when my contract is finished, I'll hate it, but I can't see why I would right now cos it's lovely. But yeah, early days and all.

Hmmm... That's really all. I'm happy and content here. Think it's going to be a good 2 years for me personally but also for my career.

So I guess that since I have the internet at home and all, I don't have an excuse not to blog. But also this is an excuse to ramble on to a somewhat captive audience. Get ready for those deep thoughts:

When I was at uni, involved with church and CU, I had TONS of friends. I had people around me all the time and there was always something to do or something to be involved in. I had so many people that I cared about. And I mean, genuinely. I really loved these people and now I see that that was a mistake. I wasn't careful with who I felt what for and now I'm really hurt and I can't face going back into that environment because I don't want to be sucked into that again. I realise now that I shouldn't have opened myself up so completely and I really should have held back. It's just that I thought these other people were genuine and really did love me back, but it might have just been a deep sense of fondness at the time, but nothing that had any roots, which is clear now that only 3 of my closest Christian friends are still in contact with me whether I take the initiative or not.

That really hurt, you know. I've kept it inside of me for so long, but it's made me so bitter and cynical and it's driven me away from the church and especially Christians. I just find it so difficult to understand how a group of people who are supposed to love you and care about you don't. Ok, this is a BIG generalisation, but it's hard to be specific without naming specific people and unfortunately, I have a big long list. 

Also, since being out in the 'world', I've learned just how clueless some Christians really are. They want to reach out to this world, but they don't know anything about it! They just have a vague idea. Almost like my knowledge of Australia, which is mainly from Neighbours and definitely not representative of real life there.

No, this is going totally wrong... I don't want to bad mouth Christians. I just finally want to talk about this. It's taken so long! And I am so put off by this experience that I want to do EVERYTHING but go back to the church and hanging out with Christians. 

I want to be a Christian again. I loved God, I really did. I prayed almost everyday and I loved the Bible and I love studying it and talking about it and I loved learning more about it because it brought me closer to God. I miss it! Now he's a complete stranger to me. Now the Bible is just a long collection of words that mean nothing to me. I have NO idea how to get back to where I was with God. Though I guess, it can't be because I've changed.

Do you know how hard this is? People keep telling me just to pray or just start reading the Bible, but I can't. I really can't! It's like looking at someone you used to love deeply and feeling absolutely nothing. Can you imagine how guilty I feel not being able to love God? I feel like such a hypocrite even touching the Bible. I know how it used to feel and I know what it was like to really be close to God. We really did have a relationship and any attempt to 're-establish' that just feels like play acting. And I can't give myself over to God 100% because I don't want to, so I feel like until I can do that, what's the point?

I've spent so much of my life being a Christian or at least being in a Christian environment. In a very real way, I feel much freer outside of it. I like myself more because I'm less self-righteous, I'm more open to people and I'm less judgmental. Otherwise, I'm pretty much the same me. I don't know. I want to go back to God, but I don't know how. I don't know where to start. I've heard it all before. I need something new and real and not some pre-prepared Christian answer. But until then, don't pressure me. It only makes me feel worse. I know that I need to go back to God, but I just want to be ready because I'm going to have to give him all of me and I really can't right now.

So, that's where I'm at with God and Christianity. I have moved on. I am getting over the hurt my church and CU caused me. Slowly. I'll get there. Eventually.

MUNICH!!!

Ok, so I'm terrible. No one reads this anyway, but I feel obligated. Had a really long day today and I'm tired, so I'll keep it short. I love it here in Munich. I finally moved into my flat on Tuesday and it's great. It's so convenient with everything I need nearby. Also, I have the internet in my flat and free calls to the UK. Amazing!! My flatmate seems pretty nice too. My job is also going well - apart from today, when it was a little difficult, but nothing major. The school I'm working for is really good - helpful and supportive and the other teachers are nice. Made some friends and now need to find some extra things to do after work. There's definitely more choice than in Bratislava!

Anyway... I'm happy here. Might be too early to say it, but I'm happy I signed a 2 year contract. I highly recommend Munich to anyone and everyone!