Christmas was lovely and chilled out this year. It was lovely! It was just my brother, his girlfriend and me. We slept in and then my brother and Alana made a nice fry up. Then we burned it all off playing the Wii when the dinner was cooking. :)

Alana is an amazing cook and she puts me to shame as a woman. She really takes care of the flat and my brother and it's so nice to see how besotted they are with each other. And not in the soppy, make you want to puke way. Just real life together. They've argued a couple of times, but it's cos they are so similar to each other. It's nice to see. :)

I also like that I feel so at home and welcome here. It's really nice to get on well with my brother and start to have a normal relationship with him and spend so much time with him - especially after all those years when it was so difficult. Nice to know that despite the fact my mum has moved, I still have a home in Glasgow and I don't have to go anywhere to 'escape'.

Ok, every time I write, I say, "Can't believe how long since I last wrote!"

But really, it has been a LOOOOOOOOOONG time. Mostly it's because I've hardly had any time to think and also because it's so hard to motivate myself to write anything when I do have time. There's been a lot to process and take in this year. Well, not more than any other year I suppose, but most of the time, I've not had a life and a busy timetable that takes me all over Munich.

So, how's it all going in Munich? I can say that for the most part, I love it. Munich is a beautiful city and though most people who are from Munich are snobby, the Bavarians are lovely, funny, friendly people - not unlike the Scots! I love Lederhosen and Dirndls and I even got a Dirndl for this year's Oktoberfest.

My job had a low point in August when I got some really bad feedback and nearly lost my job. It was a very scary experience, but my boss and manager had a lot of faith in me and actually found the feedback strange. And so they devised a training programme for me and fortunately, I have come through a much stronger teacher than before. I definitely find it rewarding and at the moment, I'm just enjoying some rest since I think I deserve it! In any case, I think teaching is definitely the job for me and in a few years, I hope to be teaching at a University, though I'm not sure if it'll be in Germany... We'll see where my future takes me. :)

I still think I'd like to go Japan some time, though I don't think I'll ever live and work there - at least not for a whole year. Maybe after I am qualified to teach at a University... Who knows what's in store?

Anyway, I expect I'll be writing again soon since this time of year always makes me philosophical. :)

So... I haven't written in 5 months!!! Woah! Not sure if anyone even reads this anymore, but just in case... :D

My life has TOTALLY changed over the last few months. Really great! I actually have one now and with the sun shining and it being warm, being happy is not at all difficult. Life's not all work and no play. There's work and there's play. If I'm honest, I only have one real friend here, but there are other people who are becoming more than acquaintances and loads of fun people to hang out with, but my uni experience has taught me that that these people aren't long term friends. Still, nice to have them around for the time being. :)

I've started going to church again - one full of Americans, would you believe it?! Guess I haven't learned that lesson... :D Well, what I like about this pastor is the fact that he's one of us. He doesn't come across as proud or superior to us. He doesn't patronise. He stresses both God's grace and God's hatred of the sin in us. He doesn't make me feel guilty or inadequate constantly. He reminds us all that Jesus is sufficient to overcome all our sin and weaknesses. He doesn't force us to conform to his idea of what a Christian is. It's all between us and God and he merely points us to God and reminds us of who He is and what He's said to us through the Bible. I don't feel like I'm being groomed or programmed to think like the majority. Though he is challenging and thought-provoking - I just don't feel judged.

I even hung out with some Christians after church a couple of weeks ago, but I've got a long way to go yet before I let any of them into my life... Shame... But the big thing is that being around Christians in big numbers no longer makes me feel scared and uncomfortable as hell and having some teaching to think about is really good.

I tried to mend some relationships with some people I knew at Calvary. I started with the Petersens. I thought if it worked out, I would try with the McGoldricks and the Keys as well. And then maybe some people from CU. But it's now been 3 months and I haven't heard back from the Petersens, so I guess four years of my life and love were just wasted. That hurts, but I am slowly getting over it. It was a hard lesson to learn. You're always taught that it's the non-Christians who'll take advantage of you and only take and not give, but honestly, from my experience, the Christians are the ones who are guilty of this. The very people who are supposed to love, care for and help you in your Christian life, do not. Non-Christians are actually more loyal friends in the end. Not all of them, of course and not all Christians are users either... Just the ones I chose to care about at church and some from CU.

Harsh? Well, I have to be. I loved these people dearly and I served them wholeheartedly and they're treatment of me led me to doubt my relationship with God, doubt the trustworthiness of God and doubt the necessity of being a Christian. After my experience of Calvary and CU, I really thought, 'Well, if this is what a Christian is, I don't want to be one'. What I have to be grateful for is the Christians in my life who were genuine, who really cared about me, who accepted me where I was, who prayed and are still praying for me to find my way back to God, who never tried to groom me into what their idea of a Christian is and who never let me feel judged or inadequate. To these people, I am grateful because if I hadn't had these people in my life, I probably would have just walked away from God and Christianity forever.

I guess this is the first time I've spoken about it this way. I feel I can talk to God now because I have stopped being so angry and hurt. God will deal with my attitude and these people in time. He knows why it all happened and what I have to work through to leave it all behind me and to move forward into a renewed relationship with Him. I am still a long way from committing to Him 100% unfortunately. I'm still wary, but slowly I'm taking steps in the right direction. He hasn't forgotten about me. :)

So, that's where I'm at.

Berlin!

So, finally, after years of waiting around, I've started travelling. You could argue that I started that last year with Prague, Regensburg, Banska Bystrica and the Tatras, but it feels real this time. Mainly because it's comfortable and money isn't a struggle. The only disappointment is the lack of banter in the hostels. The last couple of times I've stayed in hostels, there've always been people up for doing things at night, but not here. I don't know if it's because it's been so cold or because of the type of people around. I have a feeling it's a bit of both. Ah well... It doesn't matter anyway cos I'll be with Sandra in Cologne and I'll finally have some banter. :)

Ok, so, I wanted to tell you about Berlin. It was amazing! First of all, it's HUGE!! And it feels it. Though Munich's pretty big, it doesn't feel like it at all. In Berlin, EVERYTHING is big and the train stations are so complicated! Just ordinary stops are difficult to get around and you should see the main station! It's on like FOUR or FIVE FLOORS!! I've never seen anything like it! It's a super MEGA city! I mean I've been to Budapest and Vienna, which are pretty big and even Hamburg is BIG, but the main stations are NOTHING like in Berlin. It was like a whole other world in itself.

Other than being big though, it was actually very beautiful. I had no real idea what to expect, but it wasn't what I expected at all. My student, Alex, said that Berlin was dirty and unsafe and not all that nice, but I think he was being typically Bavarian - they don't like the north much. :) I obviously didn't get to see all of it and what I did see on the walking tour concentrated mainly on the historical sights. That was enough I suppose. I did want to see more, but it was too cold and it got dark really quickly, so there were a couple of things I wanted to do that I didn't get an opportunity to do. Anyway, yeah, compared to Munich, it was a little dirty and not as pretty, but it was pretty safe. Other than a strange man on the underground who was chatting me up and a drunk, homeless man saying that since it was a beautiful day, I shouldn't be a Christian because he didn't want me to die - yeah, I had trouble understanding that too - I had no problems.

Unlike Munich though, where buildings aren't that high because of the law saying that no building can be higher than a church spire - there are a couple of exceptions - there are plenty of tall, TALL buildings and most of them are only 18 years old - especially in the east. I think the Germans have done a fantastic job of rebuilding the bombed buildings over the last few decades and almost all of it looks pretty much like it did in the past. Of course new shops and places like McDonalds and KFC kinda bring you back to the present, but you can almost imagine what it was like. The most amazing thing was being at the sights as the guide repeated German, particularly Berlin's, history.

The most surprising thing though was the Berlin wall. I guess I was expecting something similar to the wall separating Israel and Palestine. That one is HUGE and very, very oppressive. But the Berlin wall is actually not that high at all and not very oppressive. I think it was more the death strip with guard towers and orders to shoot on sight on the east side that was the oppressive and scary part.

I was really moved when I was in Berlin by Germany's history. What I think is really tragic is the big scar that the Nazis have left on Germany and I don't think it's one that will ever heal. The Germans obviously don't want it to heal because they want to be reminded never to let something like that happen again. But I think they also want this to be a reminder for the whole world. Still though, because of this scar that will forever be present, no one German can ever really say that they are proud to be German, which I think is really sad. If Berlin is anything to go by, Germany has a lot to be proud of. In 18 years, it has re-developed and become one of the most happening, dynamic cities in Europe and it doesn't even look like 90% of it was destroyed in WWII! That's impressive. Also, there is this great feeling of optimism where there's been such oppression in the past. I wish more people could see it and realise that there is more to Germany and the Germans than just their Nazi past.

Other than the walking tour, I also went to the film museum, which was really interesting. Of course, a large part of it was dedicated to Marlene Dietrich, which is understandable. I was surprised there was no mention of Nosferatu though. I thought that was German... But anyway, it was interesting to see how the Nazis also affected film and how terrible it was for actors and actresses who were Jewish or married to Jews. It was so sad to hear how they suffered and how almost all of them who weren't fortunate enough to make it to Hollywood died in all those concentration camps. It's hard to imagine that in this day and age when the rich and famous seem to be exempt from everything. I also tried to go to the Pergamon museum, which is pretty famous, but the que was so long and it was getting very cold by that point that I didn't wait. It'll have to wait to another time I guess. :)

Needless to say, it's made me fall in love with Germany that bit more. :) I've never been happier about my decision at 11 to learn German instead of French. Now I know plenty of French speakers feel that way about France - I won't hold that against them. ;-) As much as I'd love to go to Japan, right now, the thought of leaving Germany is completely incomprehensible. I'm glad I signed a 2-year contract. :D Now get off your backside and come see for yourself!!