Grace is always undeserved

This week I have been overwhelmed by so many things. So many things are happening in every one's lives around me. I don't really know how to deal with it. What I should have done is prayed about it all, but as yet, I haven't.

I have been struggling financially for the past few weeks and on Thursday, someone gave me a vast sum of money because God had placed it on their heart to do so. I was so blessed at the generosity of someone I really haven't known for long. She gave it to me so that I can start putting money aside for going to Malaysia.

However, this situation has revealed to me just how short-sighted I am by God's provision. As you may remember from a post earlier this year, I have a horrible tax situation coming up with a bill that may amount to close to £4000. As much as God has been good to provide some money toward me saving to go to Malaysia, I am questioning this fear and anxiety that is building up in my heart about this tax situation. I wish I could explain everything, but it really is so very complicated.

I had a very long conversation with one of my friends today about various things, but at the very end she said, "You have seen God's provision first-hand in your life this week. Do you really believe that in this tax situation where you are trying to do the right thing and the legal thing, with the intention of honouring God through it - do you really think that God's provision will not come through for that?" All I can do is answer honestly - my head knows that she's right, but my heart is prone to becoming anxious about it.

I also realised that I have such a huge tendency to focus on the mountain in front of me and not on God. Don't I remember that God is bigger than the mountain?

Another thing going through my mind is how much I didn't deserve to have this nice thing happen to me when so many of my friends have had such a bad week this week. But another thing I was reminded of is that in all these things, God is being good. To all of us. He is doing something and in that something He is drawing us closer to Him and shaping us into the people He wants us to be. And don't I know that nothing that we have is deserved? Aren't our daily lives a picture of the undeserved grace of God?

I guess this is why it is important to spend time with God daily. We need that consistent reminder of who God is and I guess this is why God always asked the Israelites to remember who He is and what He did for them in the past. It is only in this constant reminder of God's past faithfulness that we can truly be assured of His faithfulness in the present and future.

Into the Wild

Have any of you seen the movie "Into the Wild"? I just watched it tonight. It is about a young guy who was disillusioned by the world, particularly because people were so horrible to each other. According to him, people threw the word 'love' around a lot, but were still really horrible to each other. He also thought that money was evil and gave the remainder of his life savings to Oxfam. Throughout the film, whenever he had money, he used it for supplies or, a couple of times, he just burned it. So, because he thought he knew better, he decided to go off alone and live in the wild. He came across many people throughout his journey and with his candidness and honesty, he solved a few problems and really touched some people. His big aim though was to get away from everyone and live alone in the wilderness of Alaska. He achieved his dream.

The irony of the whole movie was, right before the end, he realised that he couldn't be truly happy without people and so he packed up all his stuff and set off back home, however, a river that he'd forded in the winter had expanded into a torrent and he couldn't cross it without endangering his life. Then he faced a period of hunger, which led him to look for plants and berries that he could eat. In his haste, he ate the wrong plant and this led to a slow and painful death, during which time he reflected on his decisions and died alone. Only 2 weeks later, moose hunters found him and finally his family, who hadn't heard from him for 2 years, had word of what had happened to him. Two weeks! If only he could have survived till then! But then, perhaps it was already too late and what happened was inevitable...

The other movie that is about how you can't survive on your own is '127 Hours'. I've only watched a featurette on it and an interview with the guy who inspired the movie. But this guy thought he could make it on his own too and then ended up stuck in a gorge for 127 hours with his hand trapped behind a boulder and eventually he had to cut it off so that he could leave.

I just wanted to mention the other movie because it came into my head and is vaguely related to the thoughts that resulted from the 'Into the Wild' movie... Also, both brought Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 to mind (Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up.)

Why am I posting about this? Well, this year God has told me will be the year I finally let the pain that I've been carrying around with me for the last 4 or 5 years go. The pain that was caused all those years ago by certain and various people. The pain that has so warped my view of human relationships that I don't even recognise it when people care. The pain that prevents me from admitting I'm vulnerable and I need help. The pain that has made me forget what it is like to have people in my life that I can rely on. The pain that has made me so sensitive to people's actions that the moment they slip up I turn around to them and say, "See, I knew you never really cared". The pain that, if taken to the extreme, would have led me to do exactly what the guy in the movie did - leave every one and every thing behind because 'love' is just a word for most people, if not all of them.

One of the people that were briefly in his life was a man called Ron Franz, who said to him "But when you forgive, you love. And when you love, God's light shines through you."

Isn't this what God said to me this time last year when my church started to go through 1 John? I still remember the impact of 1 John 2:9-11. (Anyone who claims to be in the light but hates his brother is still in the darkness. Whoever loves his brother lives in the light, and there is nothing in him to make him stumble. But whoever hates his brother is in the darkness and walks around in the darkness; he does not know where he is going, because darkness has blinded him.)

So, letting go is a painful process. This pain has become a part of me. It has made his home in me. It has grown into all the recesses of my heart and it's roots are deep within me. For God to bring me closer to the woman He intended me to be, this pain will have to be uprooted, thrown out and destroyed. I have to open myself up to the people He has put into my life, trust them, love them and I have to forgive them. They are not responsible for my past hurt. And my present hurt is really caused by me. It's going to be one long, painful process, but at the end of it, I will be free of that, healed and more whole than I was at the beginning.

The realisation the guy had at the end of the film was that happiness is nothing if it isn't shared. This brought to mind the fact that God created us to be in relationship with one another. In Christ, we are a body and a family. We all need each other and we were all created to function together. That means me too. And this is a great barrier to me using my gifts in the church God has brought me to...

If you pray for me, pray for me as I battle within myself because I do not want to let this go. I feel justified in my pain and use it as an excuse to not be a part of this church and small group that God has put me in. I use it as an excuse to keep people at a distance. In any case, if God says I have to let it go, I have to. He knows best after all! Pray that I submit and that I don't struggle. And pray for the people in my life, that they will have all the patience they need to love me and help me through this process. Thank you.