So... I haven't written in 5 months!!! Woah! Not sure if anyone even reads this anymore, but just in case... :D

My life has TOTALLY changed over the last few months. Really great! I actually have one now and with the sun shining and it being warm, being happy is not at all difficult. Life's not all work and no play. There's work and there's play. If I'm honest, I only have one real friend here, but there are other people who are becoming more than acquaintances and loads of fun people to hang out with, but my uni experience has taught me that that these people aren't long term friends. Still, nice to have them around for the time being. :)

I've started going to church again - one full of Americans, would you believe it?! Guess I haven't learned that lesson... :D Well, what I like about this pastor is the fact that he's one of us. He doesn't come across as proud or superior to us. He doesn't patronise. He stresses both God's grace and God's hatred of the sin in us. He doesn't make me feel guilty or inadequate constantly. He reminds us all that Jesus is sufficient to overcome all our sin and weaknesses. He doesn't force us to conform to his idea of what a Christian is. It's all between us and God and he merely points us to God and reminds us of who He is and what He's said to us through the Bible. I don't feel like I'm being groomed or programmed to think like the majority. Though he is challenging and thought-provoking - I just don't feel judged.

I even hung out with some Christians after church a couple of weeks ago, but I've got a long way to go yet before I let any of them into my life... Shame... But the big thing is that being around Christians in big numbers no longer makes me feel scared and uncomfortable as hell and having some teaching to think about is really good.

I tried to mend some relationships with some people I knew at Calvary. I started with the Petersens. I thought if it worked out, I would try with the McGoldricks and the Keys as well. And then maybe some people from CU. But it's now been 3 months and I haven't heard back from the Petersens, so I guess four years of my life and love were just wasted. That hurts, but I am slowly getting over it. It was a hard lesson to learn. You're always taught that it's the non-Christians who'll take advantage of you and only take and not give, but honestly, from my experience, the Christians are the ones who are guilty of this. The very people who are supposed to love, care for and help you in your Christian life, do not. Non-Christians are actually more loyal friends in the end. Not all of them, of course and not all Christians are users either... Just the ones I chose to care about at church and some from CU.

Harsh? Well, I have to be. I loved these people dearly and I served them wholeheartedly and they're treatment of me led me to doubt my relationship with God, doubt the trustworthiness of God and doubt the necessity of being a Christian. After my experience of Calvary and CU, I really thought, 'Well, if this is what a Christian is, I don't want to be one'. What I have to be grateful for is the Christians in my life who were genuine, who really cared about me, who accepted me where I was, who prayed and are still praying for me to find my way back to God, who never tried to groom me into what their idea of a Christian is and who never let me feel judged or inadequate. To these people, I am grateful because if I hadn't had these people in my life, I probably would have just walked away from God and Christianity forever.

I guess this is the first time I've spoken about it this way. I feel I can talk to God now because I have stopped being so angry and hurt. God will deal with my attitude and these people in time. He knows why it all happened and what I have to work through to leave it all behind me and to move forward into a renewed relationship with Him. I am still a long way from committing to Him 100% unfortunately. I'm still wary, but slowly I'm taking steps in the right direction. He hasn't forgotten about me. :)

So, that's where I'm at.

Berlin!

So, finally, after years of waiting around, I've started travelling. You could argue that I started that last year with Prague, Regensburg, Banska Bystrica and the Tatras, but it feels real this time. Mainly because it's comfortable and money isn't a struggle. The only disappointment is the lack of banter in the hostels. The last couple of times I've stayed in hostels, there've always been people up for doing things at night, but not here. I don't know if it's because it's been so cold or because of the type of people around. I have a feeling it's a bit of both. Ah well... It doesn't matter anyway cos I'll be with Sandra in Cologne and I'll finally have some banter. :)

Ok, so, I wanted to tell you about Berlin. It was amazing! First of all, it's HUGE!! And it feels it. Though Munich's pretty big, it doesn't feel like it at all. In Berlin, EVERYTHING is big and the train stations are so complicated! Just ordinary stops are difficult to get around and you should see the main station! It's on like FOUR or FIVE FLOORS!! I've never seen anything like it! It's a super MEGA city! I mean I've been to Budapest and Vienna, which are pretty big and even Hamburg is BIG, but the main stations are NOTHING like in Berlin. It was like a whole other world in itself.

Other than being big though, it was actually very beautiful. I had no real idea what to expect, but it wasn't what I expected at all. My student, Alex, said that Berlin was dirty and unsafe and not all that nice, but I think he was being typically Bavarian - they don't like the north much. :) I obviously didn't get to see all of it and what I did see on the walking tour concentrated mainly on the historical sights. That was enough I suppose. I did want to see more, but it was too cold and it got dark really quickly, so there were a couple of things I wanted to do that I didn't get an opportunity to do. Anyway, yeah, compared to Munich, it was a little dirty and not as pretty, but it was pretty safe. Other than a strange man on the underground who was chatting me up and a drunk, homeless man saying that since it was a beautiful day, I shouldn't be a Christian because he didn't want me to die - yeah, I had trouble understanding that too - I had no problems.

Unlike Munich though, where buildings aren't that high because of the law saying that no building can be higher than a church spire - there are a couple of exceptions - there are plenty of tall, TALL buildings and most of them are only 18 years old - especially in the east. I think the Germans have done a fantastic job of rebuilding the bombed buildings over the last few decades and almost all of it looks pretty much like it did in the past. Of course new shops and places like McDonalds and KFC kinda bring you back to the present, but you can almost imagine what it was like. The most amazing thing was being at the sights as the guide repeated German, particularly Berlin's, history.

The most surprising thing though was the Berlin wall. I guess I was expecting something similar to the wall separating Israel and Palestine. That one is HUGE and very, very oppressive. But the Berlin wall is actually not that high at all and not very oppressive. I think it was more the death strip with guard towers and orders to shoot on sight on the east side that was the oppressive and scary part.

I was really moved when I was in Berlin by Germany's history. What I think is really tragic is the big scar that the Nazis have left on Germany and I don't think it's one that will ever heal. The Germans obviously don't want it to heal because they want to be reminded never to let something like that happen again. But I think they also want this to be a reminder for the whole world. Still though, because of this scar that will forever be present, no one German can ever really say that they are proud to be German, which I think is really sad. If Berlin is anything to go by, Germany has a lot to be proud of. In 18 years, it has re-developed and become one of the most happening, dynamic cities in Europe and it doesn't even look like 90% of it was destroyed in WWII! That's impressive. Also, there is this great feeling of optimism where there's been such oppression in the past. I wish more people could see it and realise that there is more to Germany and the Germans than just their Nazi past.

Other than the walking tour, I also went to the film museum, which was really interesting. Of course, a large part of it was dedicated to Marlene Dietrich, which is understandable. I was surprised there was no mention of Nosferatu though. I thought that was German... But anyway, it was interesting to see how the Nazis also affected film and how terrible it was for actors and actresses who were Jewish or married to Jews. It was so sad to hear how they suffered and how almost all of them who weren't fortunate enough to make it to Hollywood died in all those concentration camps. It's hard to imagine that in this day and age when the rich and famous seem to be exempt from everything. I also tried to go to the Pergamon museum, which is pretty famous, but the que was so long and it was getting very cold by that point that I didn't wait. It'll have to wait to another time I guess. :)

Needless to say, it's made me fall in love with Germany that bit more. :) I've never been happier about my decision at 11 to learn German instead of French. Now I know plenty of French speakers feel that way about France - I won't hold that against them. ;-) As much as I'd love to go to Japan, right now, the thought of leaving Germany is completely incomprehensible. I'm glad I signed a 2-year contract. :D Now get off your backside and come see for yourself!!

I think I finally understand why couples are so introverted and once they've found each other seem to only need each other or be in danger of imploding if they are away from each other for any length of time. It's what we all crave and desire more than anything - someone to love us for all that we are and to need us; also someone to trust and depend on. If I'm honest, that's exactly what I want. More than anything, I want someone to value me and to take care of me. I'm beginning to wonder f other than my mum, there is ever going to be anyone. I love my mum more than I can begin to describe, but I think you know that the kind o thing I really, really want is more than a mother's love. My friends have all moved on and in a day, I'm going to be spending time with a bunch of my friends who have mostly all found their other halves. Where's mine? Am I not good enough to have one? Is it ever going to be my turn?!

Man, I'm so stupid to have thought that Paul could be anything like that. He was so sweet and romantic. How was I to know that it'd all be over as soon as it began? And now he won't even talk to me and why? That, thankfully, is not just something I can't understand, but other folk can't either, so I don't feel entirely stupid. He was so helpful when I was looking for a flat and now nothing. Not even a response to a merry Christmas message, which is downright rude to be honest. It's not like I was bugging him and annoying him. I gave him space and well, now he clearly doesn't even have any desire to even be civil. That hurts a lot. The first guy to have been so lovely and to have taken an interest in me and it lasted about as long as a deep breath. Kinda made me feel like there's no hope.

Ok, so I guess that's not entirely true. Just have to wait and see. I'm just beginning to live the life I've wanted to for so long. It's only a matter of time, right? :S

Out of sight is out of mind

This holiday has really shown me how true this statement is. When  I lived in Glasgow, especially when I was at uni, I had soooooo many friends. I've been back in Glasgow for 2 and a half weeks and the only person who's made an effort to see me is Katherine. Fair enough, most of my friends have left Glasgow now and some of them weren't around because of the time of year, but if I'm honest, other than Pete, Rosie, Kirsty and Katherine, who have I got now in Glasgow? Who have I got anywhere, really? What happened to all my friends?

I know I left the country, but with Facebook, Skype, email, etc. I'm sure I could be contacted, but even people from church that I invested a lot of my heart into haven't even asked how I am or how I'm getting on or anything. It's kinda sad because I thought at the time that I was investing in life long friendships. I see now just how rare they are and how right Kirsty was. I've been so naive!

I just hope that I don't lose any more friends because I'm running low as it is! :(

Christmas 2008

When I think about this time last year, it's hard to remember what I was thinking or feeling. All I remember is that I was so happy and relieved that Ruth had finally left. I'd had a really good class that I loved and I'd made a Slovak friend - Eva. As far as teaching and making friends at work went, the situation wasn't as good as it is now with Munich. I'd finally gotten used to the teaching and I was better and more confident than when I started, but I didn't feel as settled and happy as I do now in my job, but I liked it all the same because I knew that it could only get better after Ruth - and it did. And I also remember how strange it felt being home last year and how I felt much more at home in Bratislava. That is all so weird to me now because now, a year later, as much as I love Munich and my job and flat, home feels like home again. But it did again once I came back from Bratislava, so that makes sense. :)

So much has happened this year already. So many unexpected, lovely and horrible things. In this year, I've been to 4 countries already - Slovakia, Czech Republic, Germany and Austria. Also, I was in England for a month, but that I guess doesn't really count... Or maybe it does... I don't know. I've also had 3 jobs. Thinking about all that has happened since this time last year makes me feel overwhelmed! I'm now relieved that I'm staying on in Munich for 2 years and this time next year, I can only feel more settled in my job, but also, I'll feel more settled in Munich as a whole and I'll feel like I actually live there. It was easier in Bratislava because it's so small, but Munich is HUGE - it doesn't feel like it, but it is! It's lovely though and I'm glad I moved there.

I've met some really nice people and a couple of realistic Christians and that's helped me in the past few weeks. People who really understand what I went through with CU and my church and who I don't feel have judged me and have made me feel that I can go back and fit in again. That's been great. I still don't feel ready to go back to church full time, but I know now that I'm moving in that direction and I feel good about it.

Generally, over the last couple of years, I've started to feel happier about myself. I've always had self-esteem issues, but somehow, the church made it worse. I'm happy with the way I look now and it's such a relief not having to feel guilty about everything and not having to analyse every motive before deciding to do something. I'm happy with who I am as a whole, which is something I was never able to feel as a Christian. It's a relief! But now I feel ready to accept that I still need God, but maybe I just don't Christians in the same way as I did before. And that's a healthier place to be, I think. I've stopped being bitter and angry, so I've moved forward and the only way I think I can go is back to God, who accepts me for exactly all that I am in a way I know from experience a lot of Christians haven't done and aren't able to do. But it makes me love Jesus all the more because He knows exactly how terrible I am and loves me anyway. It's been good to find out that my closest friends are like that and to find 2 more in Munich.

So, next year, there's a lot of good to look forward to. And a lot more lovely, unexpected and horrible things too. I just hope that these last couple of weeks of this year will see me being able to move on from the hurts of this last year so I can look forward to what's coming in the next one. I know now things - in general - can only get better. So here's to that! Bring on the new year! :D

I'm soooo tired!! I actually have a class to teach at 5pm, but it's a Friday!! Who wants to do anything at 5pm on a Friday but go home?! I'm hoping that she will either cancel a lot or will change her time. Goodness! I've been given the responsibility of replenishing some materials, so I was doing that today, which was fine up to apoint and now I've just been planning for my lessons on Monday and I feel completely braindead and definitely in no mood to teach for an hour and a half. :( Ah well... I really hope she moves it to an earlier time - even 4pm on a Friday would be better...

Anyway, nothing new really except that facebook is refusing to work on our work computers for some reason and it has been for a week! But at least I have the internet at home too.

I just can't wait to get home to be able to rest. Tomorrow my wardrobe's arriving so I can finally unpack. It'll be good to feel properly settled. Man, I feel like such an old woman. :(

I haven't written for ages because I've been really busy. There've been loads of extra classes, but the good news is that I might be getting a bonus for the extra hours I've done. Won't get it till my January pay though. :( But still...

Work's been going very well. Just had my observation feedback today and it was positive. Got a few things to work on, but my boss said I showed a lot of potential and she was impressed at my self-awareness. She said in a couple of ways, I was very good for someone who was a new teacher. I really liked my boss's feedback because it wasn't patronising and she was very straightforward, down to earth and helpful.

In other news, I love my students. German students are LOVELY and not at all like the hard-faced business people I was expecting. They have such a great sense of humour and most of them are so motivated to learn English. And I'm starting to really love Munich. It's just a shame that I've been so tired recently that I haven't been able to do more and meet more people. I have, however, got a language exchange partner and she's helping me to practise German.

I'm really glad I came here and so I guess it wasn't such a bad thing meeting Paul though it makes me sad that it never came to anything. Though if I'm really honest, I would never have thought about Munich if it hadn't been for him and also, I've got a lot more out of it than I expected. It still makes me sad thought. But time's a healer and even if it doesn't heal the pain, it gradually fades and eventually all you have is a memory and it can even make you smile.

One day.