So... I haven't written in 5 months!!! Woah! Not sure if anyone even reads this anymore, but just in case... :D

My life has TOTALLY changed over the last few months. Really great! I actually have one now and with the sun shining and it being warm, being happy is not at all difficult. Life's not all work and no play. There's work and there's play. If I'm honest, I only have one real friend here, but there are other people who are becoming more than acquaintances and loads of fun people to hang out with, but my uni experience has taught me that that these people aren't long term friends. Still, nice to have them around for the time being. :)

I've started going to church again - one full of Americans, would you believe it?! Guess I haven't learned that lesson... :D Well, what I like about this pastor is the fact that he's one of us. He doesn't come across as proud or superior to us. He doesn't patronise. He stresses both God's grace and God's hatred of the sin in us. He doesn't make me feel guilty or inadequate constantly. He reminds us all that Jesus is sufficient to overcome all our sin and weaknesses. He doesn't force us to conform to his idea of what a Christian is. It's all between us and God and he merely points us to God and reminds us of who He is and what He's said to us through the Bible. I don't feel like I'm being groomed or programmed to think like the majority. Though he is challenging and thought-provoking - I just don't feel judged.

I even hung out with some Christians after church a couple of weeks ago, but I've got a long way to go yet before I let any of them into my life... Shame... But the big thing is that being around Christians in big numbers no longer makes me feel scared and uncomfortable as hell and having some teaching to think about is really good.

I tried to mend some relationships with some people I knew at Calvary. I started with the Petersens. I thought if it worked out, I would try with the McGoldricks and the Keys as well. And then maybe some people from CU. But it's now been 3 months and I haven't heard back from the Petersens, so I guess four years of my life and love were just wasted. That hurts, but I am slowly getting over it. It was a hard lesson to learn. You're always taught that it's the non-Christians who'll take advantage of you and only take and not give, but honestly, from my experience, the Christians are the ones who are guilty of this. The very people who are supposed to love, care for and help you in your Christian life, do not. Non-Christians are actually more loyal friends in the end. Not all of them, of course and not all Christians are users either... Just the ones I chose to care about at church and some from CU.

Harsh? Well, I have to be. I loved these people dearly and I served them wholeheartedly and they're treatment of me led me to doubt my relationship with God, doubt the trustworthiness of God and doubt the necessity of being a Christian. After my experience of Calvary and CU, I really thought, 'Well, if this is what a Christian is, I don't want to be one'. What I have to be grateful for is the Christians in my life who were genuine, who really cared about me, who accepted me where I was, who prayed and are still praying for me to find my way back to God, who never tried to groom me into what their idea of a Christian is and who never let me feel judged or inadequate. To these people, I am grateful because if I hadn't had these people in my life, I probably would have just walked away from God and Christianity forever.

I guess this is the first time I've spoken about it this way. I feel I can talk to God now because I have stopped being so angry and hurt. God will deal with my attitude and these people in time. He knows why it all happened and what I have to work through to leave it all behind me and to move forward into a renewed relationship with Him. I am still a long way from committing to Him 100% unfortunately. I'm still wary, but slowly I'm taking steps in the right direction. He hasn't forgotten about me. :)

So, that's where I'm at.