I don't know if this is something you struggle with. But there has been something niggling inside of me for the past few weeks that I know I should pray about, but I haven't. The problem is, as a result, I haven't done any Bible study and haven't prayed at all. As much as I've been going to church and hanging out with Christians, I really haven't done anything about my personal relationship with God.
On the outside, I am nice, kind, sweet and very likeable, but only God and I know what goes on on the inside. To be godly is difficult. To do what the Bible tells you to is difficult. To rely on God's strength is difficult. To take every thought captive and so on and so on is difficult. I'm such a horrible, filthy sinner on the inside and that is only what I am aware of. Who knows what God sees when He looks at my heart. This is one reason why I can't and don't want to pray about this thing I want.
I had a conversation with a friend of mine a few weeks ago about this. And there was a sermon at church about it. What I try to keep in mind is nothing I have is deserved and God gives it to me anyway. He gives me food to eat, enough money for each month, He gave me a nice flat to live in, put nice people in my life, and so on and so on. I feel ashamed to ask Him for more because I haven't been a very good steward of the things He has already given me and for this reason I really don't feel like I would deserve it.
Also, another part is disappointment. My timetable has been absolutely crap this month. I've had whole days where I haven't had any work. And I've had far too much time to think about nonsense. I feel like my mind is blank and trying to think about anything constructive is almost impossible. And when I do have work, it's almost like I can't be bothered and I can't wait to get it over and done with. I am ridiculously ungrateful.
The third part is guilt. I've left it so long since I've prayed or done a Bible study that I feel bad for praying about something I want because I don't feel I have the right. Also, the last couple of times I've done a Bible study, I've done it half-heartedly. I didn't give God the credit and honour He's due. My heart and mind are in a bad place and I need to ask God to get me out of it, but I can't.
People look at me like I'm a godly woman and I don't know why. I am so crap at honouring God daily. Or even wanting to honour Him daily, hourly or even every minute. I know that everybody struggles and that God's grace is sufficient for me, but it doesn't make it right or even any better. I wish I could be consistent in my walk with God and that I would really love Him, not so I can get what I want, but so that what I want wouldn't matter because it is already what He wants. I want to be in communion with God, to know HIs presence and to do His will, but all I do is run away and try to do things my way, which time and again I have seen is stupid and yet I still insist on my way instead of God's way.
This has been really whiny, but I didn't intend it to be. Reading over the post, it has occurred to me that what I have is a heart problem because I am focussing on the things I want and don't have and not on God. These things - work, too much time, etc - have become an idol because they have taken my focus off of God and put it onto me. Woe is me. I'm a miserable creature. Yes, I was. But God has saved me and Jesus has cleansed me with His blood. I need to live like it. I need to live like I believe it. I need God.
