Faith

Hello! Once again you'll be getting a real post as opposed to just devotions. I've been thinking a lot about faith recently and how it encompasses every aspect of life. I always thought it had to do only with God, but I've realised that I need it to even believe that my mum loves me, that when I go to bed I'll wake up, that my friends are indeed who I think they are, and so on, and so on. It is quite worrying to realise that once you stop believing in one thing, it's not long before to stop believing anything. I guess that's why it's so unsettling for people with mental illnesses. I don't know though, just thinking as I type.

I've also been annoyed and frustrated at myself because I haven't given up a very trivial part of my life over to God. You'd think that after what happened over the last year, it'd be easier to give my life up to Him and just trust Him with the minutest detail. Here again I see how similar I am to the nation of old testament Israel. The cancer being caught early and not having to have a hystrectomy was my parting of the Red Sea and the strength through chemo was my manna from heaven. Yet after all these miracles, I still doubt that God really cares for me. How can that be so?

I love God and I love the Bible, but I can't discipline myself to spend time with God or studying the Bible. Why is that? I love a lot of my friends and I have no problem spending time with them at all. Why is it so hard with God? Is it because I take Him for granted? Marji's been staying with me at my minister's flat while they're away, but it seems that we don't always make an effort to see each other because we assume we will at some point. Is that the same with God and I?

I was speaking to Paul the other day and he showed me the example of how Christianity is like a wheel; Christ is the centre, with the four spokes being studying the Bible, prayer, fellowship and witnessing, all surrounded by obedience, which is the tyre. Not one part can be removed if the wheel is to be used effectively. How much time do I spend witnessing? I can honestly say next to none. I've been so caught up with worrying that I haven't spent time with God and in the Bible. And my fellowship sucks because Christ isn't the centre.

I don't know why I'm typing this. I just feel that this state of being can't continue anymore because I am starting to feel like I'm suffocating. Maybe that's what 'quenching the Spirit' feels like? I don't know. I guess now that I've realised where I'm at, I have to do something about it. This is just my way of starting to deal with it. Ah well.