Sayonara Japan

So, I've decided to give up on Japan. The company I applied to - NOVA - were told this week by the Japanese government to suspend recruitment of new students for 6 months because they lied to prospective students about their facilties. I called them when I read the news on the Japan Times on Thursday to ask if this affected my application, but they said no as they are still allowed to renew contracts with existing students. Still, I am quite dubious. It's a pretty serious thing when the government orders you to do something and my guess is that the students won't all rush to renew their contracts. Since Japan is on the other side of the world, I'd like to go there being 100% sure of my company, but I'm not. I don't want to end up stranded on the other side of the world, so I'm not going yet. Plus, I feel like maybe I'm not ever supposed to go. The last time I wanted to go, I had cancer and now the company appears to be suspect. Plus, there was all this hassle about my primary school and how they lied about when I would hear back. It's not never, I suppose, but definitely not for a while.

It's quite difficult to think of what else to do because for the last 4 or 5 years I've wanted to teach English as a foreign language and to teach it in Japan. I guess I really can go anywhere and I should try Europe. Since Thursday I've been thinking that since I need regualr check-ups still that maybe Europe would be best because then I could save money on health insurance as I could just fly back for my appointments. They're now every four months and soon will be every six months, so that should be manageable. Also, the place I'm working at now said that they'd be able to offer me work till maybe Christmas, so that sounds good too.

How do I feel about having to give up Japan yet again? I don't know. I'm not entirely surprised. It seems everytime I want something that it's almost a guarantee that I'm never going to get it. It seems that everyone else gets what they want, but I'm the one who has to be patient and wait. But what exactly am I waiting for? Part of me is frustrated because the last few months would've been different if I'd known I wasn't going. And I hate the fact that everyone is going to feel sorry for me. "Poor little Steph. I hope something works out for her soon."

I think that maybe I should change the picture for my blog too. I'll have to change the title too, eh? No use having a Japanese themed blog when I'm not going to get there for a while... Pfff! I have no idea what to do now and no motivation to find out. I don't want to be one of those people who are always living in the future and so don't appreciate their present. I'm little Steph and there's a big world out there. I just hope one day I get to see it.

Where is my faith?

You know, up until this week, I thought I was just struggling as a Christian and struggling with my relationship wih God, but after speaking to Julie today, I realised that it is deeper than that. I have lost my faith and in doing so have lost my hope. People always ask what difference does knowing God make to anyone's life, well, it gave me hope and now that I haven't got it, life's outlook is hopeless to me. I was kidding myself and perhaps others too, but I was never kidding God. How do you get faith back once you've lost it?

On another note, my interview was alright on Thursday for NOVA. I just answered the questions as best as I could and I'll hear by the end of the week. Or the start of next week. Who knows? It's quite tough knowing how to respond when people say that they think there's no reason why I shouldn't get the job. It's quite tough as well trying to show someone who doesn't know you that you are the right person for the job and that this is something you seriously want to do and it isn't just a pipedream. I don't know. I just have to wait and see...

Somewhere I know that this isn't a surprise to God and in some way he isn't distant. He knows, I guess, that in the long run this will be good for me because it'll have been something I decided for myself and not just something I have been told to believe. With this I just have to wait and see as well, but I still have to keep looking. :-)