Relying on God's strength

Does anyone know what this means? Really? Can someone give me an example on how it's worked in their life? I mean in everyday life, not in times when nothing is within your control. I know all about that. I could rely on God when I had cancer, but here, now, when yes I do have difficulties, it's so difficult to know how that applies. Having cancer forced me into trusting and relying completely on God, but I realised today that I'm trying so hard to do all I have to do myself as if it all relies on me. Like my family and friends coming to know God and me dealing with the things I struggle with. It's so difficult to remember that it all comes from God and we are not the responsible party. We're only tools. Of course, I don't mean that we are not important to God. Of course we are! He sent His son to die for us. But in things like the salvation of others, we are only tools. God does everything else. And it's like I said about sharing the gospel with a friend of mine, then as in all other times, if our words make any impact at all, it is the Spirit working through us - so it all always comes down to God.

I am so sick of worrying about how to be holy and getting there immediately. In this world where everything is instant and you can have what you want when you want it, it is hard to take in that holiness in us is a work in progress that'll take our whole lives. Plus, when I see a problem, I just want to fix it immediately. But I can't. I'm a work in progress. God needs time to work in me and I need time to feel the benefits of all the things that I'm learning and what He's doing in me. But it's so disheartening to know that really once one thing is 'fixed', there'll be a hundred other issues.

And here is the oldest of my issues - trusting God about my spouse. Trusting Him regardless of there being one or not. Trusting that God will work in me to be the wife I am supposed to be. And trusting Him to be my comfort when there is no spouse for me. My mum is praying for my spouse. When she was challenged to pray for mine and brother's future spouses, she felt God told her, "A Hannah for James and a Joseph for Steph". Hannah and Joseph refer to the characters in the Bible, not literally named Hannah and Joseph. :) Ah well... My brother has found a really lovely wife. I'm proud to have her as a sister-in-law. I am just so used to being single now that I can't believe that there might be a guy for me. Who knows? I don't know why it has to be such a big issue. It just frustrates me since there are more important things to worry about.

Anyway, this was only supposed to be about how difficult it is to rely on God's strength to get through everyday things. I think I made my point. :)

Obedience

This is something that's majorly on my mind at the moment. I mean not just in context of fear, but just in general because I find it so hard. As much as in my mind I know that God is worth it in the end and worth more than anything I could have on earth, I can't believe so wholeheartedly that I don't covet or am patient or, or, or...

The sermon this week at MICC was on 1 John 3:4-10. It was harsh. Particularly scary verse:

verse 6: No one who lives in him keeps on sinning. No one who continues to sin has either seen him or known him.

The pastor explained it was related to your attitude to sin. Of course we still sin, but how do we view it? Do we recognise that it hurts God or do we not care what He thinks about it? Is it something we are trying to avoid or is it something that doesn't bother us at all? You do realise that:

verse 8: He who does what is sinful is of the devil, because the devil has been sinning from the beginning.

but

The reason the Son of God appeared was to destroy the devil's work.

So this really goes back to the power of the Holy Spirit living in me. Do I really believe I have this power in me that will completely transform me? So I REALLY believe it? Am I living like there's any truth in it? At the moment, I can say for 90% of my life the answer is no. I'm also really impatient. I want God to change me now in my timing. When has God done anything according to man's timing? Never. He knows best. So in some way I have to rest in the promise of Phil 1:6:

being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

In all honesty, I'd much rather be a completed work than a work in progress. Everything feels like an upward struggle. I need to learn how to rely on God's strength...

Why is it so difficult to believe in God's promises?

This is what Isaiah 41:10 and 13 says:

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

and

For I am the LORD, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.

So, God very clearly tells us we have nothing fear, but I'm finding it very difficult to believe it as I'm trying to obey what God has asked me to do. It seems it is really much easier to focus on things going around me than it is to focus on who God is and what He says.

In other news: I still haven't heard anything concrete from the Kindergarten. My contract ends in 6 weeks and I have no idea what I will do after. Well, ok, I do have some idea, but no idea how it will actually work out. I'm getting a tax adviser to sort out my taxes and to get me a tax number. I just hope I can actually meet him soon! Every time I've made an appointment with him, I've been given a class!! AAAARGH! It's very hard to trust God and not be afraid...

It's amazing how quickly God answers your prayers. Though this time I mean mine. I guess since the last post I've been thinking about why I don't share the gospel and who I could do it with anyway. And also wrestling inside because it's not that my faith in God is very strong or my relationship with God is really consistent. But last night I did it for the first time - maybe even the first time ever. It was really unexpected. But I've been praying about Jer 20:9* - that it would be true for me.

There is no formula or "right" way to tell someone about Jesus. That's what I've heard. We are all made as we are to demonstrate God's love as we experience it being who we are. But I never thought someone floundering in her faith could. But I suppose it's not like I'm not experience God working in me. It's not like I haven't been learning anything from Him....

I guess I always sub-consciously thought that people who could share had a solid relationship with God. But now I think maybe it's because if that were the case, the glory wouldn't be His. Because now I know that if my words made any impact at all, it was because of Him working in her and me.

Different but related thought: Since I've been studying the Bible more regularly and listening to sermons, I feel like I'm alive again and breathing. My soul feels alive because it's been fed and hopefully will continue to be fed. And that's why I've felt a conviction about not sharing my faith because I think it should be more important than anything else in my life - both sharing and my faith. Another 2 verses that challenge me are Deut 6:4-7+ and Psalm 73:25§. I want to be filled to overflowing so that it is all I want to talk about.

*Jer 20:9 - "But if I say, "I will not mention him or speak any more in his name," his word is in my heart like a fire, a fire shut up in my bones. I am weary of holding it in; indeed, I cannot."

+Deut 6:4-7 - "Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one. Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up."

§Psalm 73:25 - "Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you."

The Holy Spirit

Recently I downloaded a discipleship bible study from the Navigators UK website. I was actually looking for a Nav bible study on 1 John, as that's what we're looking at in church, but I couldn't find anything. Anyway, I found this study. It's called "Learning to Live" and there are 6 books. I haven't printed out all of them. I just looked through the contents of each and decided what I wanted to learn because each book is about 60 pages long and I was using the printer at work. I've been slowly working through book 2, where the topics are things like "Living by the Spirit" and "Living by God's truth". It's been amazing and really challenging!

What I wanted to write about is the Holy Spirit study. That was a real eye-opener. It took me through all passages that deal with the Holy Spirit and of course at the end of each study, it has a self-reflection/application section that asks you think about how you can apply what you've learned to your life. I was really challenged by the fact that the same Spirit that shut the lions' mouths when Daniel was in the lions' den is the same Spirit that lives in me. I have access to that power and I have done nothing about it.

Another thing that challenged me is a sermon I listened to online. The preacher was talking about the New Testament meaning of fellowship. In the New Testament, the disciples would meet together for fellowship because they really needed it. They'd been out evangelising and making disciples and they had been beaten or spat at or stoned - whatever, so they needed to meet together so they could bandage each others' wounds and pray and build each other up again so that they had the strength to go back out and do it all again. Today fellowship is hanging out after church and having a laugh. We don't seem - not the majority anyway - to seek a way to build each other up and equip ourselves to be able to go and make disciples of all nations...

These two things have really been on my mind since I heard and studied them. We have this amazing power in our lives, but we don't use it to it's full potential. And we don't take advantage of the time we have together to strengthen each other to do God's work. Why? I know I haven't because it really never occurred to me until I came across these two teachings and also my faith has been almost non-existent. But now, I'm not sure what to do with this knowledge as I don't know where I can start. I have been praying for God to help me to love Him so that I can love and serve His people and now this! It feels like too much to take in. And it's scary.

I feel like for the past few weeks I have been yearning for a deeper fellowship and now I know what the New Testament definition of fellowship is, I just want to have that so that I can be equipped to go out and do the task God has for me. But that kind of fellowship is seriously lacking at my church. After the sermon, we rarely even talk about it. We just make jokes and talk to each other about the last week and the week ahead. So I've been praying for it. I can't be the only one who desires a bit more depth in my relationships with people at church. It seems to be lacking for the women. The men have a really good programme for them. I hope the women will too. And I mean more than just meeting together and eating a lot of junk food and talking about how hard it is to be a single woman. I need more.

I guess this has all been a bit "stream of consciousness". I just miss the deeper friendships I used to have where I could talk about these sorts of things.