Forgiveness

Ok, so in my last post I said I was going through counselling and the next homework was going through my baggage and reliving those memories and then forgiving those people. Well, I've avoided it a lot. But I eventually made a bit of a dent in my list. I went through and forgave the people from Calvary who hurt me and also the ones who have hurt me from MICC - my current church. 

Both experiences were really different. The first group made me cry, and I mean body-wracking sobs! There was so much grief and so much pain. It was unnerving. Of course that made me want to put off working through this stuff even more! Tonight I finally kicked myself up the bum and worked through my current church. That was really, really different. No tears at all, but a lot of anger, which I had to repent of. In fact I also had to repent of my sense of entitlement and my pride. Totally eye-opening.

So, what I've had to do is write down the names of the people and give an account of the hurt they caused or any perceived or real offence committed. Then I had to grieve it. How I dealt with it was to type it all up and then to read through what I'd typed and then pray. It's been HARD, but also I think good. I do feel a little bit freer. The next step is to go back a little further to the people in my life after I left university and Glasgow. I think that will probably be a mixture of tears and anger, but once that is done, I will be another step closer to freedom. I will probably leave my family to last. That will be the hardest one and to be honest I am really scared.

A few people have already said they were proud of me for being so brave. I don't really think it has anything to do with courage or bravery. I think what it is is that God has brought me to a point where I realise I really need to deal with all this unnecessary baggage I've been carrying around me with me my whole life, so that I can finally experience freedom in Christ. So that I can finally live life to the full (John 10.10).

Forgiveness really is a funny thing. Funny in the sense of weird. It is so very difficult to do, especially when you think you didn't deserve to be hurt or treated that way. That's only when you look at it from your perspective. If you look at Jesus and His life, you see that of all people, He really didn't deserve how He was treated on earth by both His friends and enemies. And He cried, "Father forgive them" from the cross!!! Looking at it like that, I feel like an idiot for not forgiving sooner. What could anyone have done to me that is worse than what I have done to Jesus?!

On the other side, or maybe not the other side, but related... Anyway, MY sins are FORGIVEN. Not just past sins, but present AND future! I'm really starting to see just how amazing that is. I'm also starting to understand Jesus's command of forgiving as God forgave you (Col 3:13). God's love really is ludicrous.

My hope is that I will finish this process with a deeper knowledge of God's love for me, His grace, mercy, goodness, protection and wise leadership over my life. I want to finish this free of my burden and equipped with a new strength to pursue a fuller relationship with God and with the people He'll put in my life. I also hope for wisdom and discernment in being able to choose my friends. I don't think praying for this is against God's will.

Anyway... This forgiveness thing will take a while. I'm not going to push myself to do more than one 'group' a week. It's too hard and I really need to work myself up to it and I need the time to be able to work through it, pray and deal with it. Work is just too busy, so I only have the weekends. But it will get done and I will be free of my bitterness. I just have to be patient and be willing to do the work. Pray for me to persevere and not give up.