This time last year, I was admitted into Ward 24 so I could get ready for my surgery on the Thursday. I was told that I definitely had cancer and by the grace of God I had decided that I would have a hysterectomy if it was needed. Man, I look back and I can see that complete trust and faith I had in my loving Father. I would give anything to be in that complete peace and rest I was then. I realised juist how much I wanted to have children, but I could give it up because I knew my Father in Heaven knew best. I miss that peace and trust and I'm ashamed that it took something as awful as cancer to bring me to a point of rest in His will. I'm ashamed because right now I'm fine and my 'troubles' are nothing; trivial in comparison. But I'm finding it difficult to let go and to trust the Father that I was so sure was loving just a year ago.

Reading the Old Testament, particularly Exodus and Judges, where God showed His faithfulness time and again, and the Israelites still lost their faith and went back to other gods, I can't help but see me. I used to think that they were foolish. How could they who saw first hand the power, might and awesomness, but also the grace, love and mercy of God, turn away from Him? Well, I ask the same of myself. How could I being in the very arms of God just a year ago have walked away from that place? How could I have lost my faith in the Faithful? I have no idea how to get that back. I just hope that I do soon.

Cancer

This time last year, my mum and I went to Ward 24 of the Royal Infirmary - the gynaecological oncology ward. On the Wednesday, I'd been called by Dr Ali, the guy who was so confident it was merely an ovarian cyst, and he told me that I would now be treated by a Dr Davis. My GP has also called me to let me know that this was merely precautionary and ovarian cancer only occurred in women over 45. Ah well... Nevertheless, I knew in my heart I had cancer. There was no way that they would've asked me to bring someone with me if it wasn't going to be bad news. Still, when I heard it and when I was asked to consider a hysterectomy, I really didn't expect it to hurt me as much as it did. It was bad, but actually not as bad as having your heart broken by someone you loved. :-)

Anyway... I called my four best friends - Miriam, Marji, Jonathan and Pete. Poor people! They just didn't know what to do or say. Also, Danielle and Julie came into town to cheer me up and I ended up buying a dress for Gaby's wedding. It was so fake, but nice that they came to be with me at all. (Fake in the sense that we were all laughing and joking, but only to avoid talking about the serious issue.)

The rest of the day was kind of a blur. I think when I got home, I just burst into tears and cried and cried. I didn't know what else to do. But it's all alright. Today, I'm just stressing about my teaching assessment at 2pm. :-)

OOPS! Had no time to blog yesterday as I was in a rush to get all my stuff ready for my teaching assessment. Phew! Glad I passed. :-) Got an easy lesson in comparison for next week. Thank goodness!

Ok, so this time last year, as in Saturday, I'd come home from the Southern and I'd met the surgeon - Mr./Dr. Ali - and he had seen the reuslt of the CT and was mroe than confident that it was only an ovarian cyst and nothing more sinister. He said that they'd have to have this cross-discplinary meeting (??) on the following Wednesday to discuss my case, but also, I think, all other surgical cases. (I think this meeting consists of Radiologists, Oncologists, Surgeons and possibly other specialists.) So, I was alright. It was nice to know the reason I was 'pregnant' and actually I was quite amused by what I thought was only a dermoid cyst. You should read about them, or go to the archives and read through Feb last year. ;-)

Yep, still didn't know I had cancer! So weird...

PS The picture is from an anime movie called My Neighbour Totoro. You should see it. It's sooooo CUTE!!

Hope vs Fear

Oh my goodness! How appropriate is this devotional for me today!

"Lo, I am with you all the appointed days" (Matt. 28:20, Variorum Version).

Do not look forward to the changes and chances of this life in fear. Rather look at them with full hope that, as they arise, God, whose you are, will deliver you out of them. He has kept you hitherto; do you but hold fast to His dear hand, and He will lead you safely through all things; and when you cannot stand, He will bear you in His arms.

Do not look forward to what may happen tomorrow. The same everlasting Father who cares for you today will take care of you tomorrow, and every day. Either He will shield you from suffering, or He will give you unfailing strength to bear it. Be at peace, then, put aside all anxious thoughts and imaginations. --Frances do Sales

"The Lord is my shepherd."

Not was, not may be, nor will be. "The Lord is my shepherd," is on Sunday, is on Monday, and is through every day of the week; is in January, is in December, and every month of the year; is at home, and is in China; is in peace, and, is in war; in abundance, and in penury.
--J. Hudson Taylor

HE will silently plan for thee,
Object thou of omniscient care;
God Himself undertakes to be
Thy Pilot through each subtle snare.

He WILL silently plan for thee,
So certainly, He cannot fail!
Rest on the faithfulness of God,
In Him thou surely shalt prevail.

He will SILENTLY plan for thee
Some wonderful surprise of love.
Eye hath not seen, nor ear hath heard,
But it is kept for thee above.

He will silently PLAN for thee,
His purposes shall all unfold;
The tangled skein shall shine at last,
A masterpiece of skill untold.

He will silently plan FOR THEE,
Happy child of a Father's care,
As though no other claimed His love,
But thou alone to Him wert dear.
--E. Mary Grimes

Whatever our faith says God is, He will be. - Mrs C E Cowman.

This time last year, I woke up in the southern. A JHO had put a cannula on my left arm, just at the nook where my elbow was and I'd snagged it in my sleep, so it was as painful as (insert noun here). So, just before I went for my CT scan, a nurse came to flush the cannula and it was all ok. But when the nurse at the scanner tried later, it was sooooooo sore! So, they had to take it out and put another one on my right arm. Only twice has a needle gone into one of my vein and I didn't feel anything except a scratch - this was the second. (The first was when Sandra, the nurse specialist from Ward 24 at the Royal, took some blood to test to see if I had cancer.) That was my first CT scan - "take a breath in and hold your breath". (That's what they tell you to do.) Em... Yeah, I think that time, I didn't bleed all over the floor. The two CTs since, I did. I also bled profusely when they put the cannula in for the MRI... I have good veins. It's strange when it happens, the needle goes in and you feel warm liquid flowing down your arm, and then you realise, "Oh, that's my blood". I always get up and see the big stain on the floor where the nurses hurriedly wiped away my small puddle of blood. Lovely!

Yeah, this time last year, I still didn't know I had cancer....

By this time on this day last year, I'd had an ultrasound and the doctor said that there was something definitely wrong with my ovary. I think I'd just finished and was about to have my lunch. I remember being asked by the auxiliary nurse whether I would need a halal plate and being surprised initially and then thinking, 'oh yeah, I'm Asian'. By 2pm, the staff nurse would have told me that it looks like gynaecological problem and they're tranferring me to the Southern where they'll do a CT scan. Once I got there, I would find out that they can't do one till tomorrow anyway because hospitals like patients to be patient. I liked the southern though. It was the nicest hospital out of all the others - well, I can't give an opinion on Yorkhill or Stobhill, because I didn't get to go there. Maybe next time...

This time last year

So, on this day last year, I woke up and my already swollen, 'pregnant' belly had swollen up to twice it's size so that I looked like I was 8 months pregnant. I threw up most of the morning, feeling quite sick and disgusting, so my mum took me in for an emergency GP appointment, after which I was sent to the Victoria Infirmary for an emergency ultrasound. But, the Victoria being what it is, I didn't get seen till much later in the day and so had to be admitted to have an ultrasound the next morning. This time, I was in a better ward so all the nurses were actually nice. I didn't have anything to read or do so I had to 'entertain' myself with gossip magazines like Heat or whatever else the other ones are called. :-)

I didn't yet know that I had cancer.

God's best, God's will

What is it - God's best? What is God's perfect will and why is it not clearer? And when people say 'God will reward your faithfulness', will that be on this earth and Heaven or just in Heaven? It would be kind of nice to have some reward on earth. Also, does he just give us what we need when He rewards us? Is it on top of all the other blessings like food, shelter, clothing, or is that it? Don't get me wrong, that's more than enough, but is that all?

Anyway... If you could give me your opinion, that would be good.