This time last year, I was admitted into Ward 24 so I could get ready for my surgery on the Thursday. I was told that I definitely had cancer and by the grace of God I had decided that I would have a hysterectomy if it was needed. Man, I look back and I can see that complete trust and faith I had in my loving Father. I would give anything to be in that complete peace and rest I was then. I realised juist how much I wanted to have children, but I could give it up because I knew my Father in Heaven knew best. I miss that peace and trust and I'm ashamed that it took something as awful as cancer to bring me to a point of rest in His will. I'm ashamed because right now I'm fine and my 'troubles' are nothing; trivial in comparison. But I'm finding it difficult to let go and to trust the Father that I was so sure was loving just a year ago.

Reading the Old Testament, particularly Exodus and Judges, where God showed His faithfulness time and again, and the Israelites still lost their faith and went back to other gods, I can't help but see me. I used to think that they were foolish. How could they who saw first hand the power, might and awesomness, but also the grace, love and mercy of God, turn away from Him? Well, I ask the same of myself. How could I being in the very arms of God just a year ago have walked away from that place? How could I have lost my faith in the Faithful? I have no idea how to get that back. I just hope that I do soon.