Time heals

You know, I've often wondered why I have been given all this time. I realised this week that only that my body needs to heal, but my heart needs to too. Yes, having had cancer is a traumatic and an emotionally draining experience, but I've had a lot of time to think about past hurts. No, I haven't been dwelling in them, but I have realised that no matter how far away these things are in regard to time, they are still very much close at hand. A lot of these things have remained hidden because, quite frankly, I haven't had the time to deal with them. This stuff happened, then it was my finals, then I had a summer job, then I had a job and Japanese lessons, then I had my course, then, well, I had cancer. And it was a good thing. I don't think I can deal with the hurt I faced during cancer quite yet. It's still too close and I really feel like, "Woah, that happened to me?!" If it weren't for the scars, I don't think I'd believe it.

You know, I've hidden so much of this stuff and God really wants them uncovered. I'm glad. I think going to Japan or anywhere else with these things still holding me down would have hindered my walk with God and my work for God. I was saying to Kirsty that I felt stupid for letting things that happened over a year ago still bug me, and yeah, maybe some of you are thinking, "Get over it!" Well, that's the point God's making too. I have to get over it, but the only way I can do it is to deal with these things I've been suppressing. I prayed about them ages ago, but I never dealt with them. I never really even thought I should, but He's made it very clear that it really is the time for me to forgive, forget and leave these things in the past. They didn't kill me, they just made me stronger.

I really don't know why I hide the truth from God. I even try to find things that are too difficult for God. I fail, of course. :-) Nothing's too hard for Him, except maybe evil. I'm sure He must look at me fondly and say, "You know I made you slow, but not THAT slow". Yup, He knows and it's time I deal with it. Time I just let go and see the truth. I think it's going to be a bumpy road, but man, it is so time to get over it and move on, move forward and leave it at God's feet. I really feel so privileged that God has given me this time to deal with the past. Really blessed. Best put it to use then, eh?

No Solution in Sight

This devotion is a big challenge to me. I know that God's plan and timing are perfect. I know that God always fulfils His promises, but if I can't see how He'll do it, I just assume that I heard wrong. I forget that when God says He'll do something it is as good as done. God says, "Is anything too hard for the Lord?" (Gen 18:14).

"He went out, not knowing whither he went" (Heb. 11:9).

It is faith without sight. When we can see, it is not faith, but reasoning. In crossing the Atlantic we observed this very principle of faith. We saw no path upon the sea, nor sign of the shore. And yet day by day we were marking our path upon the chart as exactly as if there had followed us a great chalk line upon the sea. And when we came within twenty miles of land, we knew where we were as exactly as if we had seen it all three thousand miles ahead.

How had we measured and marked our course? Day by day our captain had taken his instruments and, looking up to the sky, had fixed his course by the sun. He was sailing by the heavenly, not the earthly lights.

So faith looks up and sails on, by God's great Sun, not seeing one shore line or earthly lighthouse or path upon the way. Often its steps seem to lead into utter uncertainty, and even darkness and disaster; but He opens the way, and often makes such midnight hours the very gates of day. Let us go forth this day, not knowing, but trusting.--Days of Heaven upon Earth

"Too many of us want to see our way through before starting new enterprises. If we could and did, from whence would come the development of our Christian graces? Faith, hope and love cannot be plucked from trees, like ripe apples. After the words 'In the beginning' comes the word 'God'! The first step turns the key into God's power-house, and it is not only true that God helps those who help themselves, but He also helps those who cannot help themselves. You can depend upon Him every time."

"Waiting on God brings us to our journey's end quicker than our feet."

The opportunity is often lost by deliberation.

40 lengths = 1km

I discovered today that 40 lengths of the pool I've been swimming in is a kilometre today. I'm excited at the thought that I can swim a kilolmetre! I managed to get to 42 lengths last week, but I think that I'll just stick to 40 since 1km is a good distance. I think it's 60 or 65 lengths that make a mile, but that's a little to adventurous for me. It would take me like an hour and a half! I think I spend far too much time there as it is...

I'm still finding it incredibly difficult to motivate myself to spend time with God. Why is that? I can't quite work it out because it's God! Why is it easier to spend time with friends or family? Goodness, why is it easier to watch TV? Everything in the last few months especially was supposed to bring me closer to Him and yet I can't make myself go sit and be with Him. It's totally ridiculous. Once again I feel like adulterous Gomer from Hosea. Why can't God be enough? Is it because I don't really know Him?

And why was it easier to trust God about cancer, but not about my personal life? Is it because cancer was so big, I just had to hand it over to Him? I totally know that if I had been spending time with God as I should have, I probably wouldn't be anxious or worried about my future. A lot of it is that I just don't have that much to do. You can only iron so long and dishes don't take that long to wash... I can't wait to start my course again. It'll be so great having something to do. I'll probably moan then about not having enough time, but hey... I find being content in the circumstance I'm in difficult. I think my underlying issue is that I just don't trust God and that's because I just don't know Him and I can't get to know Him if i don't spend time with Him, so here we are back to my struggle. Man, I just need to get over myself and spend time with Him!

Hmmm...

Hi! I'm sorry I haven't blogged anything about me or anything recently. Mainly I've been lazy, but also, there's not very much news. I'm fine. My hair is growing back quite quickly and my energy levels are getting better, though I've totally tired myself out this week. Pfff! But I'm still going swimming today. I've managed to get up 42 lengths in 50 mins, which I'm quite proud of though my hips and knees feel like jelly after. My tickets for Malaysia arrived yesterday, so I'm really excited about that. My dad has already planned a week away to the north of Malaysia at the end of September and my gran has already planned my birthday. I don't know what else I have in store except for moon cakes during the moon cake festival and other yummy food that you can only get in Malaysia and Singapore. :-)

As for God and I, I've been able to pray, but I have trouble motivating myself to do a proper Bible study, which is really unlike me because I used to devour the Bible to try and find out everything it was trying to tell me, but I couldn't pray then. Now I can pray, but I can't study the Bible. To be honest, I'm not doing very much to resolve the situation. I need to wake up earlier. That'll be a big help, but most days, I feel like I've got nothing to wake up for, not in a depressed sort of way, just I don't have anything to do that can't be done in the afternoon or the evening. I am helping my mum with housework more, but even then, I only have chores like ironing or washing dishes. But I need to change that, because I'd have tons of time to pray for as long as I'd like and study the Bible. I really need to change this attitude of almost total apathy.

I still can't believe I survived cancer. I know it really wasn't as dramatic as that because I was never at a point where I could've died because of it, but in essence, that's what happened - I survived cancer. By the grace of God, it was at an early stage and the cancer was removed during the surgery. I still can't get my head round that. I'm a worthless sinner like everyone else, so why was He so kind to me? Chemotherapy was horrible and recovering from surgery was annoying, but really, it wasn't all that bad. What did I lose - time, an ovary, my hair? All of that is God given anyway, so none of it was mine. God decided that I had that time to lose, my hair would grow back and now if I ever have chidren, they'll be even more special than to a woman with both ovaries. I am sooo not getting an epidural though because the issues after one are just not worth it!

I'll be glad to get out of Glasgow. I think it'll put everything in perspective, but still, it's too close to see how God and I have grown closer together. I want to say I love Him, but I know a lot of my life doesn't reflect that. I know He's working on it though, and that's enough.

A Simple Prayer

What an encouragement! Take God at His word:

"I believe God, that it shall be even as it was told me" (Acts 27:25).

I went to America some years ago with the captain of a steamer, who was a very devoted Christian. When off the coast of Newfoundland he said to me, "The last time I crossed here, five weeks ago, something happened which revolutionized the whole of my Christian life. We had George Mueller of Bristol on board. I had been on the bridge twenty-four hours and never left it. George Mueller came to me, and said, "Captain I have come to tell you that I must be in Quebec Saturday afternoon." "It is impossible," I said. "Very well, if your ship cannot take me, God will find some other way. I have never broken an engagement for fifty-seven years. Let us go down into the chart-room and pray."

I looked at that man of God, and thought to myself, what lunatic asylum can that man have come from? I never heard of such a thing as this. "Mr. Mueller," I said, "do you know how dense this fog is?" "No," he replied, "my eye is not on the density of the fog, but on the living God, who controls every circumstance of my life."

He knelt down and prayed one of the most simple prayers, and when he had finished I was going to pray; but he put his hand on my shoulder, and told me not to pray. "First, you do not believe He will answer; and second I BELIEVE HE HAS, and there is no need whatever for you to pray about it."

I looked at him, and he said, "Captain, I have known my Lord for fifty-seven years, and there has never been a single day that I have failed to get audience with the King. Get up, Captain and open the door, and you will find the fog gone." I got up, and the fog was indeed gone. On Saturday afternoon, George Mueller was in Quebec for his engagement.--Selected

"If our love were but more simple,
We should take Him at His word;
And our lives would be all sunshine,
In the sweetness of our Lord."

Sunrise is an act of God

Here's a wee devotion to remind us all that God is control of the world at every level. :-) (NB This is my 100th post!!)

Sunrise is an Act of God
By Elisabeth Elliot
Taken From: A Lamp For My Feet

The night sky, when I went to the front window this morning, was a clear dark blue, with a few sharp stars. Now, as it reddens toward dawn, a thick quilt of slate-colored cloud is moving over the whole sky, leaving only a strip of rose gold. But I am sure the sun will rise even though covered with a quilt.

We assume the sun will always rise. It always has. But it rises because God continues to will it so, not because it must in and of itself. I breathe, not because I am a smoothly functioning breathing machine, but because He who holds my breath in his hand wills me to breathe, as He wills the squirrel to breathe in the oak grove beside my house and the crow that perches in the scrub pine.

The will of God is not a given quantity. It is creative, dynamic, flowing action. Jesus participated in that action by submitting to the Will and moving with power along the "appointed way," according to the "appointed time," choosing the Father's will above his own.

The sun does no choosing. God chooses--every morning so far--to make it rise. Yet the Lord of the universe asks me to choose to follow Him--to participate, as Christ did, in the flowing action which is his ill. "Dwell in my love. If you heed my commands, you will dwell in my love, as I have heeded my Father's commands and dwell in His love" (Jn 15:10 NEB).

CELTA

Woohoo! I just found out that I'm definitely starting my course again in January! Yey! I do still have a fee of £700 to pay, so if you could pray it would be provided, that'll be much appreciated. But I know God will provide because He always does and He did last time.

Thanks!

You Can Trust

This is something we all need to reminded of. We can trust God for everything, but we always lose our focus and forget! Hope this encourages you today!

"Surrender your very selves to God as living men who have risen from the dead" (Romans 6:13). (Weymouth)

I went one night to hear an address on consecration. No special message came to me from it, but as the speaker kneeled to pray, he dropped this sentence: "O Lord, Thou knowest we can trust the Man that died for us." And that was my message. I rose and walked down the street to the train; and as I walked, I pondered deeply all that consecration might mean to my life and--I was afraid. And then, above the noise and clatter of the street traffic came to me the message: "You can trust the Man that died for you."

I got into the train to ride homeward; and as I rode, I thought of the changes, the sacrifices, the disappointments which consecration might mean to me and--I was afraid.

I reached home and sought my room, and there upon my knees I saw my past life. I had been a Christian, an officer in the church, a Sunday-school superintendent, but had never definitely yielded my life to God.

Yet as I thought of the darling plans which might be baffled, of the cherished hopes to be surrendered, and the chosen profession which I might be called upon to abandoned--I was afraid.

I did not see the better things God had for me, so my soul was shrinking back; and then for the last time, with a swift rush of convicting power, came to my innermost heart that searching message:

"My child, you can trust the Man that died for you. If you cannot trust Him whom can you trust?"

That settled it for me, for in a flash I saw that the Man who so loved me as to die for me could be absolutely trusted with all the concerns of the life He had saved.

Friend, you can trust the Man that died for you. You can trust Him to baffle no plan which is not best to be foiled, and to carry out every one which is for God's glory and your highest good. You can trust Him to lead you in the path which is the very best in this world for you.--J H. McC

"Just as I am, thy love unknown,
Has broken every barrier down,
Now to be Thine, yea, Thine ALONE,
O Lamb of God, I come!"