You know, I've often wondered why I have been given all this time. I realised this week that only that my body needs to heal, but my heart needs to too. Yes, having had cancer is a traumatic and an emotionally draining experience, but I've had a lot of time to think about past hurts. No, I haven't been dwelling in them, but I have realised that no matter how far away these things are in regard to time, they are still very much close at hand. A lot of these things have remained hidden because, quite frankly, I haven't had the time to deal with them. This stuff happened, then it was my finals, then I had a summer job, then I had a job and Japanese lessons, then I had my course, then, well, I had cancer. And it was a good thing. I don't think I can deal with the hurt I faced during cancer quite yet. It's still too close and I really feel like, "Woah, that happened to me?!" If it weren't for the scars, I don't think I'd believe it.
You know, I've hidden so much of this stuff and God really wants them uncovered. I'm glad. I think going to Japan or anywhere else with these things still holding me down would have hindered my walk with God and my work for God. I was saying to Kirsty that I felt stupid for letting things that happened over a year ago still bug me, and yeah, maybe some of you are thinking, "Get over it!" Well, that's the point God's making too. I have to get over it, but the only way I can do it is to deal with these things I've been suppressing. I prayed about them ages ago, but I never dealt with them. I never really even thought I should, but He's made it very clear that it really is the time for me to forgive, forget and leave these things in the past. They didn't kill me, they just made me stronger.
I really don't know why I hide the truth from God. I even try to find things that are too difficult for God. I fail, of course. :-) Nothing's too hard for Him, except maybe evil. I'm sure He must look at me fondly and say, "You know I made you slow, but not THAT slow". Yup, He knows and it's time I deal with it. Time I just let go and see the truth. I think it's going to be a bumpy road, but man, it is so time to get over it and move on, move forward and leave it at God's feet. I really feel so privileged that God has given me this time to deal with the past. Really blessed. Best put it to use then, eh?
1 comment:
'Leave these things in the past'
You cannot leave yourself in the past what happens to us becomes a part of us who you were in the past is no longer who you are now
you may think the answer is to forget go back begin again but it's not as simple as that you have to begin from now and incorporate and take with you all that you have been through it's not getting over it but accepting that this is now a part of who you are and that you don't have to get over it or put it behind you or begin again .
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