Happiness and Expectations

Emma says, "You have to make yourself happy. You can't rely on other people to make you happy." And although she doesn't live by this principal herself, it got me thinking - what's make me happy? Here's a list off the top of my head:

... Doing a good job and being recognised for it

... Sleeping

.... Being all cosy in my pyjamas and watching a DVD in bed

...  Being hugged

... Listening to music

... Dancing in my bedroom with my music on full blast on my iPod

... Going to see a band live

... Being around people who make me laugh

... Cycling

That's all I can think of for now.... Well, I guess only four of those have to do with other people, so it's not all bad. It's just that having to be alone for any length of time makes me unhappy, so at some point I'm going to have to rely on other people to make me happy. Hmmm... I guess that's not really point that Emma was getting at anyway. I just shouldn't be unhappy because other people don't meet my expectations.

Anyway... I'm not unhappy. It's just that being locked out made me miss my friends because I realised that I had no one I could call to help. Well, I did, but the only phone numbers I know off by heart are my mum's, Jonathan's, Marji's and maybe Pete's and none of those people could be of any help anyway since they're not here. Ah well... It just made me miss them and strangely, I never thought I's ever think it, CU folk as well. Can you believe it? I miss my Christian friends from CU - even some of the ones that a couple of months ago I couldn't think about because they upset me! I guess I have moved on! Who knows? This time next year I might be going to church again? Well, one day at a time....

With regard to expectations, Emma says mine are far too high and unrealistic. She's probably right about that. Most of the time my expectations ARE unrealistic, but I've been spoiled because I have friends that meet them - not all of them, of course, because they're ridiculous (the expectations, I mean). My main expectation is to be valued and respected. I expect to be recognised for who I am and to be appreciated because I do a lot for people and I want to not be taken for granted. But as I've learned the hard way, people don't always appreciate you and they almost always take you for granted. That's sad, but I also think that because that has happened to me, I expect it too fast and so I'm disappointed.

And I think Pete's right too - I have been running away in a sense trying to find some 'happy', but what I see now is I should be. I have at least 6 people in the world who know me incredibly well and they love and appreciate me for exactly who and what I am - even though I've been ridiculously stupid at times and not been the good, old Steph. They've not judged me and left me to it even though I've gone against what they formerly thought of me. This is what should be important. It doesn't matter if the whole world doesn't notice me because the 6 most important people to me do. So now, I have to learn to be content to be here and not expect any more. I'll try...