The date is 4 March. I'm writing this while I have no internet with the hope that in a couple of weeks my big problem with Vodafone will have been sorted out and I have the internet in my flat again. Otherwise, I'll post it from one of my friends' flats - if I can connect to their internet wirelessly...

Tonight I watched the movie "Seven Pounds". I don't know if you've ever watched it and I don't know if I would recommend it. It's like "Schindler's List" in a way; you should watch it at least once in your life and it will change you. If you do ever watch it, then I dare you not to be challenged by it.

For the last 3 or 4 years, I have been a different Steph. Gradually I have become more and more selfish. When I was at university, I would buy food for homeless people. I would give money to the Petersens and help out wherever I could. I was a servant to many people. I wasn't always, of course. It's not like I was perfect! But I was a whole load less selfish than I am now.

I always thought that other than changes to my lifestyle, not living like a Christian hadn't changed me at all. I had noticed that I seemed to care less about people, but that helped a lot because I thought it meant I would be hurt less. I mean, as far as I see it, I was used by the people I cared about most and now where are they? I wrote to one family I loved to apologise and to try and build bridges, but it's been over a year and I have heard nothing from them. And I have used it as an excuse not to care. I see now that not having Jesus inside of me has changed me a lot. I did care as much as I was able. Doing it in my own strength is not possible.

Recently, I started going back to church regularly. I have no idea why now of all times, but it's happening. I will even start going to the Bible study, though not very regularly since I have a really early start on Thursdays now. I would like to gp back to that part of who I was. The part of me that was judgmental and self-righteous can stay away. I have no interest in that person anymore.

The guy in the movie was making amends for 7 lives he took - in a car accident. That's how I saw it. His 'selfless' acts were motivated by guilt. I would like to not be motivated by guilt, but I would like to serve again and to care and to really love. Now I really understand why my mum was so sad that I was so different from before.