Wow! I haven't blogged since March!! Goodness! So much has happened since then. My timetable totally filled up and I've been so busy.

Anyway, what's going on now is that I am struggling to really understand what it means that God is sovereign and that He is good and, particularly, good to me. I went on the church retreat in June and there I really realised that I can believe that God is good to you, but to me, no way. To me, He only sends difficulty and I can't expect anything good from God. So, obviously, I was convicted of this thinking and wanted to change.

What I did when I got back was study the book of Ruth. The book of Ruth, of course, is a book all about God's goodness and sovereignty - particular at times when it seems like God is not working at all. I loved the study I did. I did it mainly by listening to the Redeeming Ruth series by Mark Driscoll and John Piper's sermons on Ruth. I loved those sermons and learned a lot, though since then and having prayed that God would show me what it means that He is sovereign and that He is good to me, it seems like my life has become more difficult than it was before.

I won't go into details of the difficulties, as they are mainly financial. Anyway, my point is that my heart is at the point of giving up. I feel so heavy under the weight of it all that I don't really know what to do. I know what I should do is pray, but I feel like I have no strength. I am, unfortunately, at a point where I have lost all motivation to read God's word. This is ironic because I know in my heart of hearts that this is exactly what I should do.

Well, my main struggle is that my heart is turning bitter. It seems like things are going so well for my friends and for me, it's going in the opposite direction. This is, of course, not entirely true as my job is going really well. I am established as a really good teacher and my timetable is full most of the time. There are down periods, of course, but I still have enough money to pay my bills and to socialise. My church has come through and helped me with the big bills that came out of nowhere. I have support in dealing with the issues I have to deal with and there are people praying for me. I have become a member of the church and I have made some real friends.

So what's the problem? The problem for me is the apparent ease of other people's lives. I feel like I am constantly hiking up a steep hill where my friends are strolling along a plateau. I have very little idea if that is actually true or not because I feel bad thinking it and so I haven't asked them.

I guess I thought one of the reasons that God brought me to Germany was to develop my career. I am beginning to see that the main reason was to develop my spiritual life. I have learned so much more about God and me in relation to Him since I started going back to church last year and I feel right now more than ever I am being refined and pounded. There is a part of me that is joyful because I know at the end of all this I will be more beautiful on the inside and more of a reflection of God's glory than I am now. And that will be amazing. Of course, I won't be 'done', but I will be that much closer to the woman God wants me to be and that brings a part of me so much excitement. Unfortunately, a bigger part of me is just so tired of the constant 'pounding'. I know as 'clay' we have to be, so that we can be moulded into the right shape, but goodness! When will it stop?!

I feel like Naomi at the beginning of the book of Ruth. I feel like saying, just like she did, "Do not call me Naomi; call me Mara, for the Almighty has dealt very bitterly with me. I went away full, but the Lord has brought me back empty." My hope is, of course, found at the end of the book of Ruth where Naomi's life has done a complete 180. Her life is full again and it was God who did it all. I don't mean, of course, wealth and prosperity - except that my spiritual life will be full of it - but I know God will work it out, that God is working though I can't see it and that God is with me now even though I can't feel it. I know because I see it in His word and He is always the same, never changing. Still, it's hard being in the middle of it and not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel with my eyes, but knowing that there is a light by the very little faith I have at the moment.