March

March began with admission into Ward 24 to prepare for surgery. I remember feeling ready for it. The only thing that was a bother that first day was the SHO that was trying to get blood. She stuck so many needles into my arm and didn't seem to get into any veins. Little did I know that she was just preparing me for the 3 months worth of needles being stuck into my body. Though it bothered and annoyed me at the time, it really wasn't all that bad. Also, what's funny is that at the end of my treatment, the nurse at the practice found it difficult to get blood too. :-)

Yup, it all seemed ok in my heart. The only thing that scared me a little was the prospect of the epidural. It sounded really painful, but it was only the local anaesthetic that hurt - obviously! Yeah, so when Dr Davis came and said that from the blood tests it was definitely cancer but he wasn't sure which kind, I was at peace; God had already told me. I kept wondering about the hysterectomy, but to be honest, it hardly bothered me at all. God had filled me with peace. I didn't know what the outcome would be, but I just knew it would all be for good and at that time, it was enough.

So, the next day was the surgery and the first thing I remember thinking after was, "Oh no! The anaesthetic didn't work!" But then I saw the clock and realised I was in the same room I was in when they prepped me for surgery and I also saw that it had been only 2 hours after I'd gone in. (Dr Davis said it would only take 2 hours if they didn't have to do a hysterectomy.) I was like, "No way!" and couldn't believe my 'luck' and so I turned to the nurse beside me and asked her, "Did I have a hysterectomy?" and I think I was as happy as I could be in the state I was in when she said, "No". Praise God! And my mum said Dr Davis was so pleased to tell her that he didn't have to do it; he seemed more pleased about that than the fact that he'd removed the cancer! How lovely!

Well, after that, I did quite well actually. I came out of hospital a day before expected, but I was a bad patient. I just did not know the concept of rest and taking it easy. I am still finding that difficult! I told Dr Burton a couple of weeks later that I looked so well because I refused to be unwell anymore. It was my sheer stubbornness, but thankfully God is bigger than my stubbornness so He has had His way occassionally. :-D Yeah, my wound healed really well and I could walk without much difficulty after a couple of weeks, though it took a while before I could cough and sneeze without it hurting. And it hurt to laugh and giggle, which everyone knows I do nearly all the time, so that was annoying, but I still did it anyway. It was, however, quite difficult to get my head focussed and I think I spent most of the month just watching TV. I also had random bowel issues, It wasn't until the end of the month when I started doing my quiet times again. It has been a struggle throughout because of my lack of routine and feeling unwell, but I guess it always is whether you're ill or not...

March was kinda a blur because I spent most of it sleeping and watching TV. What I remember most is feeling overwhelmingly blessed - because of what had happened, the cancer being so early, the fact I didn't have to have a hysterectomy, and because so many people loved me and were praying for me. That's been the biggest blessing - all the prayers I've been soaked in and being loved.

What I learned after surgery was to let myself feel weak and vulnerable and to learn to rely on other people. I have always been so stubborn and never asked for help until I was nearly overwhelmed by something. I guess I was proud too and tried to be sulf-sufficient and independent, but never managing to because I don't think I'm supposed to be. It has been such a valuable lesson to have the grace to admit that I'm weak and finding things difficult and also being able to receive help and to take people up on their offers of help. Yup, the biggest lesson I learned during March was that it was ok to be weak, vulnerable and need people, and that you could do that without being needy.

I also learned not to be so self-conscious about myself. I used to worry so much about my appearence and about what people think about me, but that really doesn't bother me anymore. I think having to be naked in front of complete strangers and needing them to help me bathe would do that. (Also being at the Beatson and having to be sick, pee in a shell and constantly having to excuse myself to people who visited to go pee or when I had diarrheoa, also losing my hair, not wearing make-up all the time and having to see people when I felt disgusting or sick.) I really learned to get over myself, which is a nice thing. I'm sure I have some other areas in which I have to get over myself, but they'll get dealt with in time...

I think that's all I can remember about March. I'm wondering whether I saw Dr Reed at the end of March or the beginning of April? I can't remember, but I'll cover that when I do April because it signifies the beginning of chemo too.

The Answer is God

Woah! This is some challenging stuff. Something we all need to hear at various points in our life:

"For what if some did not believe? shall their unbelief make the faith of God without effect?" (Rom. 3:3).

I think that I can trace every scrap of sorrow in my life to simple unbelief. How could I be anything but quite happy if I believed always that all the past is forgiven, and all the present furnished with power, and all the future bright with hope because of the same abiding facts which do not change with my mood, do not stumble because I totter and stagger at the promise through unbelief, but stand firm and clear with their peaks of pearl cleaving the air of Eternity, and the bases of their hills rooted unfathomably in the Rock of God. Mont Blanc does not become a phantom or a mist because a climber grows dizzy on its side. --James Smetham

Is it any wonder that, when we stagger at any promise of God through unbelief, we do not receive it? Not that faith merits an answer, or in any way earns it, or works it out; but God has made believing a condition of receiving, and the Giver has a sovereign right to choose His own terms of gift. --Rev. Samuel Hart

Unbelief says, "How can such and such things be?" It is full of "hows"; but faith has one great answer to the ten thousand "hows," and that answer is--GOD! --C. H. M.

No praying man or woman accomplishes so much with so little expenditure of time as when he or she is praying.

If there should arise, it has been said--and the words are surely true to the thought of our Lord Jesus Christ in all His teaching on prayer--if there should arise ONE UTTERLY BELIEVING MAN, the history of the world might be changed.

Will YOU not be that one in the providence and guidance of God our Father? --A. E. McAdam

Prayer without faith degenerates into objectless routine, or soulless hypocrisy. Prayer with faith brings Omnipotence to back our petitions. Better not pray unless and until your whole being responds to the efficacy of your supplication. When the true prayer is breathed, earth and heaven, the past and the future, say Amen. And Christ prayed such prayers. --P. C. M.

"Nothing lies beyond the reach of prayer except that which lies outside the will of God."

Don't Look at th Waves

Good encouragement for today:

"When Peter was come down out of the ship, he walked on the water, to go to Jesus. But when he saw the wind boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink, he cried, saying, Lord, save me" (Matt. 14:29-30).

Peter had a little faith in the midst of his doubts, says Bunyan; and so with crying and coming he was brought to Christ.

But here you see that sight was a hindrance; the waves were none of his business when once he had set out; all Peter had any concern with, was the pathway of light that came gleaming across the darkness from where Christ stood. If it was tenfold Egypt beyond that, Peter had no call to look and see.

When the Lord shall call to you over the waters, "Come," step gladly forth. Look not for a moment away from Him.

Not by measuring the waves can you prevail; not by gauging the wind will you grow strong; to scan the danger may be to fall before it; to pause at the difficulties, is to have them break above your head. Lift up your eyes unto the hills, and go forward--there is no other way. (Author unknown)

Placed for a Purpose

Another encouraging devotion:

"It was noised that he was in the house" (Mark 2:1).

The polyps which construct the coral reefs, work away under water, never dreaming that they are building the foundation of a new island on which, by-and-by, plants and animals will live and children of God be born and fitted for eternal glory as joint-heirs of Christ.

If your place in God's ranks is a hidden and secluded one, beloved, do not murmur, do not complain, do not seek to get out of God's will, if He has placed you there; for without the polyps, the coral reefs would never be built, and God needs some who are willing to be spiritual polyps, and work away out of sight of men, but sustained by the Holy Ghost and in full view of Heaven.

The day will come when Jesus will give the rewards, and He makes no mistakes, although some people may wonder how you came to merit such a reward, as they had never heard of you before. --Selected

Just where you stand in the conflict,
There is your place.
Just where you think you are useless,
Hide not your face.
God placed you there for a purpose,
Whate'er it be;
Think He has chosen you for it;
Work loyally.
Gird on your armor! Be faithful
At toil or rest!
Whate'er it be, never doubting
God's way is best.
Out in the fight or on picket,
Stand firm and true;
This is the work which your Master
Gives you to do.
--Selected

February

As I was later to find out, the urgent ultrasound that my GP requested somehow didn't get processed. A week after it had been requested, I woke up and saw that my belly had swollen to almost twice the size it was already and I was throwing up, so my mum arranged an emergency appointment at the practice. The GP who saw me was shocked because he had assumed I was 8 months pregnant! Lovely! He had a feel of my belly and swiftly sent me off to A&E. Unfortunately, nothing gets done swiftly there, so in the end I was admitted. The ultrasound was inconclusive, though they thought it was probably an ovarian cyst, so they transferred me to the Southern General. This was my favourite hospital, by the way. It had the best decor, room temperature and food. The nurses were lovely, but not as lovely as those in Ward 24. Anyway... I had to wait till the next day to get my CT scan and then Mr Ali came to see me and said it looked like it was a dermoid cyst and he was going to operate on me, but he had to have this meeting with other surgeons to discuss the case first and he would be in touch the following Wednesday.

Well, for some reason they never got around to discussing me at this meeting so I had to wait yet another week. I wasn't all that worried because my friend Judith had had an ovarian cyst and she was fine. I was just worried about my course and whether I would get to finish it or not. Anyway, eventually they did discuss me and Mr Ali called me to let me know that he wouldn't be operating on me at all, but that a Dr Davis would. At this point, I knew I had cancer. So I let all my family know the result of the meeting, keeping the cancer bit to myself. A couple of days later, Sister Bredin from Ward 24 got in touch to arrange a meeting with me to discuss the surgery. I knew it was going to be a difficult situation because she asked me to bring someone with me. Of course, I wasn't expecting to have to decide whether I wanted a hysterectomy, my eggs to be harvested or the possibility of IVF; cancer was a tough enough thing to deal with! And I had to make up my mind in 4 days because the surgery would be the following Wednesday. Lovely!

At this point it was just a possibility I might have cancer and they weren't sure just how bad it was. Oh my goodness! I remember that Friday so clearly. I didn't know what to do with myself. After calling my closest friends - or trying to call them - my mum and I went to Where The Monkey Sleeps, an arty cafe, and I had an Oreo Speedwagon. Good comfort food for when you have to make difficult decisions. :-) Then my friends Danielle and Julie came into town and kept me company till I felt better. It was nice. I found out more about IVF from Danielle and so had more to think about when I got home. That day I also bought mango lip butter and my outfit for Gaby's wedding. Yup, interesting indeed.

Pfff... That weekend was weird. And hugely difficult. I kept trying to avoid speaking to God about it, but eventually I just couldn't. On the Saturday I totally poured my heart out to him and thought through my options before him. I never realised just how much I wanted to be a mother and how much I'd assumed it would happen one day. I also felt like I was like Abraham in having to sacrifice my 'children' to God. That whole time I was praying, I felt like I was climbing a huge mountain. Oh my goodness, did I cry as well! My heart broke into a million pieces, but I got to the top and there was peace. I'd made my decision. If need be, I would have the hysterectomy and there would be no harvesting of eggs. I decided I would not have IVF because it involved aborting embryos and that would dishonour God. I knew God would give me children, whether out of my womb or through adoption, if that were his will. And then there was peace.

In the end I said to God I would do his will, whatever that was, and I knew I meant it. I knew that this would be a great refining process that would bring me closer to the woman he wanted me to be and I wanted to be used by him. I also wanted this to be an opportunity to bring my family closer to salvation. It would all be worth it even if one of them, or someone, came to God because of it.

I stayed with Danielle the Sunday before the surgery, but I'd already received my comfort and peace from God, so we just had chat about other things. It was nice to have that time with her. Also, the women from my mum's home group came to pray over me before the surgery. My church had done that every Sunday too. It was so lovely to have that support and to have had it throughout. God's hand of blessing has really been on me throughout this whole time.

So that was February...

Secret Fellowship

What a blessing it was to read these words in my devotion! How much did I need to hear them!

"Thine ears shall hear a word behind thee, saying, This is the way, walk ye in it, when ye turn to the right hand, and when ye turn to the left" (Isa. 30:21).

When we are in doubt or difficulty, when many voices urge this course or the other, when prudence utters one advice and faith another, then let us be still, hushing each intruder, calming ourselves in the sacred hush of God's presence; let us study His Word in the attitude of devout attention; let us lift up our nature into the pure light of His face, eager only to know what God the Lord shall determine--and ere long a very distinct impression will be made, the unmistakable forth-telling of His secret counsel.

It is not wise in the earlier stages of Christian life to depend on this alone, but to wait for the corroboration of circumstances. But those who have had many dealings with God know well the value of secret fellowship with Him, to ascertain His will.

Are you in difficulty about your way? Go to God with your question; get direction from the light of His smile or the cloud of His refusal.

If you will only get alone, where the lights and shadows of earth cannot interfere, where human opinions fail to reach and if you will dare to wait there silent and expectant, though all around you insist on immediate decision or action--the will of God will be made clear; and you will have a new conception of God, a deeper insight into His nature and heart of love, which shall be for yourself alone a rapturous experience, to abide your precious perquisite forever, the rich guerdon of those long waiting hours. --David

January

I thought I would reflect on the last six months and see what God has taught me over this time. A couple of people have asked me already and I've been thinking about it too, so I thought I'd reflect on one month at a time and see what God has been teaching me. I'm just doing this off the top of my head so bear with me. Here goes:

January
Well, I was already looking around 5-6 months pregnant at this point. I was feeling really uncomfortable because my tumour was pressing down on my stomach and other organs much like a growing foetus would, but I didn't realise that was what it was at the time. I thought I was putting on weight and I couldn't figure out why because I was being extra careful with what I was eating and also I was beginning to lose my appetite. Also, the weird thing was that I seemed to be putting on weight only on my belly. I felt really strange and uncomfortable and was beginning to be anxious about what was wrong with me. I could feel two edges on my belly - one on the top left and one on the bottom right. I wanted to know what it was.

I'd just changed GPs and was waiting for my new patient's registration with the nurse, but stuff kept happening to put it off. Fortunately, my GP was one of my mum's friends and she arranged to see me before I was officially registered. I'd gone to another practice before that and the GP there had said I had a urine infection. Oh how wrong he was! Praise the Lord for my mum's friend stepping up and suggesting I moved to her practice!

Oh, before I'd seen the GP, I had gone to Paris - something I'd planned way before it looked like something was wrong with me. So, I'd gone to Paris feeling quite uncomfortable and only able to eat brioche and crepes and then when I got to Clermont-Ferrand, I had weird symptoms, but Rosie was a lovely nurse. By this point, I really wanted some answers.

So, I finally got to see my GP and she felt it too. She couldn't tell where it was coming from so arranged an ultrasound, but the rest of this leads to February, so I'll leave that to another time.

I wasn't at the best place with God. I was in one of my lulls, one of those periods of time when I wasn't doing my quiet times and bible studies regularly. I don't remember being overly anxious, just frustrated and uncomfortable. I was also beginning to think I might have cancer. I know this sounds really strange, but the idea was already sinking in and I already had a feeling that might be it. Of course, I dismissed those ideas and told myself I was being stupid. Truly God had been trying to prepare me for the shock of it all, but I wasn't meeting with him daily, so I didn't recognise his warning as coming from him.

So January was largely a time of anticipation and serious physical discomfort. Of course if God intends for me to have children later on, I will have that discomfort all over again, though this time the prize at the end will be worth it all. :-) (Actually, in saying that, the prize for all this will be worth it all too.) I had also just begun my CELTA course, so my mind was full of that. I'm really thankful for that distraction because otherwise I think I may have freaked out. Though I was never meant to qualify till next year, it was great that God put me on it so that I didn't worry too much about my belly. :-)

It's Raining Blessing

This is something that everyone needs to know or be reminded of. It also blessed me so much and made me look back at times of difficulty and thank God for them. I hope this helps you amidst your difficulty:

"For God hath made me fruitful in the land of my affliction" (Gen. 41:52).

The summer showers are falling. The poet stands by the window watching them. They are beating and buffeting the earth with their fierce downpour. But the poet sees in his imaginings more than the showers which are falling before his eyes. He sees myriads of lovely flowers which shall be soon breaking forth from the watered earth, filling it with matchless beauty and fragrance. And so he sings:

"It isn't raining rain for me, it's raining daffodils;
In every dimpling drop I see wild flowers upon the hills.
A cloud of gray engulfs the day, and overwhelms the town;
It isn't raining rain for me: it's raining roses down."

Perchance some one of God's chastened children is even now saying, "O God, it is raining hard for me tonight.

"Testings are raining upon me which seem beyond my power to endure. Disappointments are raining fast, to the utter defeat of all my chosen plans. Bereavements are raining into my life which are making my shrinking heart quiver in its intensity of suffering. The rain of affliction is surely beating down upon my soul these days."

Withal, friend, you are mistaken. It isn't raining rain for you. It's raining blessing. For, if you will but believe your Father's Word, under that beating rain are springing up spiritual flowers of such fragrance and beauty as never before grew in that stormless, unchastened life of yours.

You indeed see the rain. But do you see also the flowers? You are pained by the testings. But God sees the sweet flower of faith which is upspringing in your life under those very trials.

You shrink from the suffering. But God sees the tender compassion for other sufferers which is finding birth in your soul.

Your heart winces under the sore bereavement. But God sees the deepening and enriching which that sorrow has brought to you.

It isn't raining afflictions for you. It is raining tenderness, love, compassion, patience, and a thousand other flowers and fruits of the blessed Spirit, which are bringing into your life such a spiritual enrichment as all the fullness of worldly prosperity and ease was never able to beget in your innermost soul. --J. M. McC.

Peaceful Rest

I've been struggling with resting and also resting in God, so this devotion was so perfect for me I thought I'd share it:

"My own peace I give to you" (John 14:27, Weymouth).

Two painters each painted a picture to illustrate his conception of rest. The first chose for his scene a still, lone lake among the far-off mountains.

The second threw on his canvas a thundering waterfall, with a fragile birch tree bending over the foam; and at the fork of the branch, almost wet with the cataract's spray, sat a robin on its nest.

The first was only stagnation; the last was rest.

Christ's life outwardly was one of the most troubled lives that ever lived: tempest and tumult, tumult and tempest, the waves breaking over it all the time until the worn body was laid in the grave. But the inner life was a sea of glass. The great calm was always there.

At any moment you might have gone to Him and found rest. And even when the human bloodhounds were dogging Him in the streets of Jerusalem, He turned to His disciples and offered them, as a last legacy, "My peace."

Rest is not a hallowed feeling that comes over us in church; it is the repose of a heart set deep in God. --Drummond

My peace I give in times of deepest grief,
Imparting calm and trust and My relief.

My peace I give when prayer seems lost, unheard;
Know that My promises are ever in My Word.

My peace I give when thou art left alone--
The nightingale at night has sweetest tone.

My peace I give in time of utter loss,
The way of glory leads right to the cross.

My peace I give when enemies will blame,
Thy fellowship is sweet through cruel shame.

My peace I give in agony and sweat,
For mine own brow with bloody drops was wet.

My peace I give when nearest friend betrays
Peace that is merged in love, and for them prays.

My peace I give when there's but death for thee
The gateway is the cross to get to Me.
--L. S. P.

Ninja

It's over!!

Woohoo! No more chemo from now on. Just monthly check-ups for a year and they'll give me a letter to take to Japan so the check-ups can continue on a quarterly basis. They said they won't discharge me for another 5 years. Well, that sounds scary, but really it'll be "How are you? Fine? Good, you still don't have cancer. See you in a few months. Bye."

Oh, and I'm also feeling much better. Thanks for all the prayers. Today was the first morning I woke up without acid in my tummy or my oesophagus. Good stuff!

I'm off to go join the gym. Bye!

Irony

Well, as you know, chemo is pretty much over, but unfortunately, I keep getting more unwell. :-( Well, it's just throwing up, but it hasn't stopped. It started off because of something bad for lunch, and then I was sick again, then I was fine the whole of Tuesday except for a sore stomach, then sick again yesterday morning, then the worst heartburn yet, so bad that I was sick again last night. Lovely!

My GP had prescribed me the lovely tablet they prescribed me in hospital, but even after taking 2, it didn't go away. In fact, it got so bad I had to take more Gaviscon, and that didn''t even help. So, I was sick again. I had to call the GP out to the house and unfortunately, there wasn't much she could do except tell me to keep taking the tablets she'd already prescribed AND a stronger version of the dreaded Gaviscon! Plus, the acid was all stuck in my gullet, which was going into spasms, so I had to sleep sitting up the whole night. Nice!

Well, if that isn't ironic, I really don't know what is - the minute I find out I'm on the road to recovery, my body decides it hasn't quite had enough of being ill...