March

March began with admission into Ward 24 to prepare for surgery. I remember feeling ready for it. The only thing that was a bother that first day was the SHO that was trying to get blood. She stuck so many needles into my arm and didn't seem to get into any veins. Little did I know that she was just preparing me for the 3 months worth of needles being stuck into my body. Though it bothered and annoyed me at the time, it really wasn't all that bad. Also, what's funny is that at the end of my treatment, the nurse at the practice found it difficult to get blood too. :-)

Yup, it all seemed ok in my heart. The only thing that scared me a little was the prospect of the epidural. It sounded really painful, but it was only the local anaesthetic that hurt - obviously! Yeah, so when Dr Davis came and said that from the blood tests it was definitely cancer but he wasn't sure which kind, I was at peace; God had already told me. I kept wondering about the hysterectomy, but to be honest, it hardly bothered me at all. God had filled me with peace. I didn't know what the outcome would be, but I just knew it would all be for good and at that time, it was enough.

So, the next day was the surgery and the first thing I remember thinking after was, "Oh no! The anaesthetic didn't work!" But then I saw the clock and realised I was in the same room I was in when they prepped me for surgery and I also saw that it had been only 2 hours after I'd gone in. (Dr Davis said it would only take 2 hours if they didn't have to do a hysterectomy.) I was like, "No way!" and couldn't believe my 'luck' and so I turned to the nurse beside me and asked her, "Did I have a hysterectomy?" and I think I was as happy as I could be in the state I was in when she said, "No". Praise God! And my mum said Dr Davis was so pleased to tell her that he didn't have to do it; he seemed more pleased about that than the fact that he'd removed the cancer! How lovely!

Well, after that, I did quite well actually. I came out of hospital a day before expected, but I was a bad patient. I just did not know the concept of rest and taking it easy. I am still finding that difficult! I told Dr Burton a couple of weeks later that I looked so well because I refused to be unwell anymore. It was my sheer stubbornness, but thankfully God is bigger than my stubbornness so He has had His way occassionally. :-D Yeah, my wound healed really well and I could walk without much difficulty after a couple of weeks, though it took a while before I could cough and sneeze without it hurting. And it hurt to laugh and giggle, which everyone knows I do nearly all the time, so that was annoying, but I still did it anyway. It was, however, quite difficult to get my head focussed and I think I spent most of the month just watching TV. I also had random bowel issues, It wasn't until the end of the month when I started doing my quiet times again. It has been a struggle throughout because of my lack of routine and feeling unwell, but I guess it always is whether you're ill or not...

March was kinda a blur because I spent most of it sleeping and watching TV. What I remember most is feeling overwhelmingly blessed - because of what had happened, the cancer being so early, the fact I didn't have to have a hysterectomy, and because so many people loved me and were praying for me. That's been the biggest blessing - all the prayers I've been soaked in and being loved.

What I learned after surgery was to let myself feel weak and vulnerable and to learn to rely on other people. I have always been so stubborn and never asked for help until I was nearly overwhelmed by something. I guess I was proud too and tried to be sulf-sufficient and independent, but never managing to because I don't think I'm supposed to be. It has been such a valuable lesson to have the grace to admit that I'm weak and finding things difficult and also being able to receive help and to take people up on their offers of help. Yup, the biggest lesson I learned during March was that it was ok to be weak, vulnerable and need people, and that you could do that without being needy.

I also learned not to be so self-conscious about myself. I used to worry so much about my appearence and about what people think about me, but that really doesn't bother me anymore. I think having to be naked in front of complete strangers and needing them to help me bathe would do that. (Also being at the Beatson and having to be sick, pee in a shell and constantly having to excuse myself to people who visited to go pee or when I had diarrheoa, also losing my hair, not wearing make-up all the time and having to see people when I felt disgusting or sick.) I really learned to get over myself, which is a nice thing. I'm sure I have some other areas in which I have to get over myself, but they'll get dealt with in time...

I think that's all I can remember about March. I'm wondering whether I saw Dr Reed at the end of March or the beginning of April? I can't remember, but I'll cover that when I do April because it signifies the beginning of chemo too.