February

As I was later to find out, the urgent ultrasound that my GP requested somehow didn't get processed. A week after it had been requested, I woke up and saw that my belly had swollen to almost twice the size it was already and I was throwing up, so my mum arranged an emergency appointment at the practice. The GP who saw me was shocked because he had assumed I was 8 months pregnant! Lovely! He had a feel of my belly and swiftly sent me off to A&E. Unfortunately, nothing gets done swiftly there, so in the end I was admitted. The ultrasound was inconclusive, though they thought it was probably an ovarian cyst, so they transferred me to the Southern General. This was my favourite hospital, by the way. It had the best decor, room temperature and food. The nurses were lovely, but not as lovely as those in Ward 24. Anyway... I had to wait till the next day to get my CT scan and then Mr Ali came to see me and said it looked like it was a dermoid cyst and he was going to operate on me, but he had to have this meeting with other surgeons to discuss the case first and he would be in touch the following Wednesday.

Well, for some reason they never got around to discussing me at this meeting so I had to wait yet another week. I wasn't all that worried because my friend Judith had had an ovarian cyst and she was fine. I was just worried about my course and whether I would get to finish it or not. Anyway, eventually they did discuss me and Mr Ali called me to let me know that he wouldn't be operating on me at all, but that a Dr Davis would. At this point, I knew I had cancer. So I let all my family know the result of the meeting, keeping the cancer bit to myself. A couple of days later, Sister Bredin from Ward 24 got in touch to arrange a meeting with me to discuss the surgery. I knew it was going to be a difficult situation because she asked me to bring someone with me. Of course, I wasn't expecting to have to decide whether I wanted a hysterectomy, my eggs to be harvested or the possibility of IVF; cancer was a tough enough thing to deal with! And I had to make up my mind in 4 days because the surgery would be the following Wednesday. Lovely!

At this point it was just a possibility I might have cancer and they weren't sure just how bad it was. Oh my goodness! I remember that Friday so clearly. I didn't know what to do with myself. After calling my closest friends - or trying to call them - my mum and I went to Where The Monkey Sleeps, an arty cafe, and I had an Oreo Speedwagon. Good comfort food for when you have to make difficult decisions. :-) Then my friends Danielle and Julie came into town and kept me company till I felt better. It was nice. I found out more about IVF from Danielle and so had more to think about when I got home. That day I also bought mango lip butter and my outfit for Gaby's wedding. Yup, interesting indeed.

Pfff... That weekend was weird. And hugely difficult. I kept trying to avoid speaking to God about it, but eventually I just couldn't. On the Saturday I totally poured my heart out to him and thought through my options before him. I never realised just how much I wanted to be a mother and how much I'd assumed it would happen one day. I also felt like I was like Abraham in having to sacrifice my 'children' to God. That whole time I was praying, I felt like I was climbing a huge mountain. Oh my goodness, did I cry as well! My heart broke into a million pieces, but I got to the top and there was peace. I'd made my decision. If need be, I would have the hysterectomy and there would be no harvesting of eggs. I decided I would not have IVF because it involved aborting embryos and that would dishonour God. I knew God would give me children, whether out of my womb or through adoption, if that were his will. And then there was peace.

In the end I said to God I would do his will, whatever that was, and I knew I meant it. I knew that this would be a great refining process that would bring me closer to the woman he wanted me to be and I wanted to be used by him. I also wanted this to be an opportunity to bring my family closer to salvation. It would all be worth it even if one of them, or someone, came to God because of it.

I stayed with Danielle the Sunday before the surgery, but I'd already received my comfort and peace from God, so we just had chat about other things. It was nice to have that time with her. Also, the women from my mum's home group came to pray over me before the surgery. My church had done that every Sunday too. It was so lovely to have that support and to have had it throughout. God's hand of blessing has really been on me throughout this whole time.

So that was February...