The last few days have been really bizarre. I can't believe it is already Sunday and tomorrow I'll have to go back to work. I can't believe it was only last weekend that it was Easter...

Currently, a person I know from church is lying in a hospital and slowly dying. It has been a great shock because she is the same age as me and her loss is being felt all throughout the church. Though we were only loosely friends, she did come across as a woman who loved God and had a heart to serve. She was by no means perfect. I am not going to dishonour her memory by making her more than she was, but hearing what her close friends have said about her has been a great humbling experience and a challenge to pursue God further.

Also, it has taught most of us to appreciate the people in our lives and not take them for granted. It has shown us the reality that life really is short and you have no idea how much longer you have on this earth. I think it is a challenge as well to pursue God more wholeheartedly and to seek his will for our lives because we are here for his purpose. It really is an encouraging thing to know that at 29 she had already fulfilled all that God had for her to do.

She touched so many lives because she loved God and sought to be like him. I hope now that I could pursue God so that I could, like her, speak with wisdom, seek to serve and encourage my brothers and sisters in Christ and also be a light as she was. She will be missed by many and greatly missed by those who were close to her. We are all mourning the loss of our sister in Christ, but rejoicing in the fact that we are all assured she is now in the presence of our God.

May we all seek to be salt and light in the world more fervently, so that we can fulfil his purpose for us on this earth and bring his name honour, praise and glory.

Trusting God

I may have already posted something similar a while ago. I'm not sure...

This is one of those things that I guess many people struggle with. I am not sure why since intellectually we all know that God is someone we can trust more than any one in our lives. Still, when there's something we want or need, it is always easier just to worry and try and figure things out by ourselves.

Over the last couple of years, God has really transformed my heart. The grace that he has poured out in my life has really been evident to all those who know me here and I've grown so much in my relationship with him and my knowledge of him, yet every time something difficult comes up, though I know in my head God's got it all sorted and that it's no surprise to him, my tendency is still to worry. I also try to figure all things out myself and see how I can sort it out. If all else fails, I pray.

Surely the thing to do is pray first? But why on earth don't we do it? Is it a form of pride - that somehow we are better than God? Or is it that we don't really believe he loves us as much as the Bible says he does? I suspect it's probably a bit of both...

It's always the same things as well, right? Money worries, a desire for stability and a desire for a spouse. It doesn't matter how many times I come to resolve in my mind that God knows I want and need some of these things, I still end up taking my eyes off him and have to bring it back to him after a period of despair. I still look at the mountain before me instead of looking at my God who is so much bigger than that mountain.

I don't have any words of wisdom here. I just have to keep repeating time and time again:

Trust in the Lord with all your heart,

And lean not on your own understanding;

In all your ways acknowledge him,

And he will make your paths straight.

Proverbs 3:5-6

If you've found yourself to be at that place, I hope this encourages you today.

I want a friend

I guess reading the title you might think that I am really lonely or don't consider the people in my life friends. I'm not lonely and I do consider the people in my life friends, but I want something that my vocabulary seems to lack the word for. I suppose 'companion' comes close...

Um... Before I go any further, I just want to say that this is not an advert and this is by no means something that I expect any of you to respond to!

Well, anyway, I have decided to pray for this 'friend'. I want someone who is at a similar stage in their walk with Jesus and a similar stage in life. I have so many people in my life who are 'teenagers' in their faith or who are really mature Christians, which is great for learning and growing closer to God, but no one who's really where I am. Maybe that's normal, but it doesn't seem like it from where I'm sitting - or the grass is greener?

I want someone I can walk through life with. For a long time I wanted a husband and I still do, but that just seems a little unrealistic at the moment. Maybe I need more faith? I have an amazing woman in my life who is my unofficial mentor and she's seen me grow in the last couple of years and has been a great source of encouragement and support, but she's married with 2 kids and 1 very soon on the way... I'm single. Different stages of life.

I also want someone I can laugh with. I have a friend at the moment who loves me and I'm her person and I'm one of her best friends. I do love her and I do feel called to be in her life to be a support to her, but I know I don't feel for her what she feels for me. I guess I look around and most people have a BFF, but I don't think I've ever had one. Just that one person who gets you and who just 'knows'. It doesn't have to be a man. So, that's why I say, I want a 'friend'.

I know I have Jesus and he's always been my friend. No doubt. He's always been there for me and he gets me because he made me. He knows me better than I know myself. He knows what makes me tick and believe me, I am REALLY looking forward to the day he comes back and I can spend eternity with him, but I would like someone that is equally as excited about it here so we can spur one another along. My friends - most of them - just seem to tolerate me when I get excited about Jesus and I've learned about him. The only ones who seem to feel the same are already married or about to in another country. They have their spouses...

Goodness, that sounds sad. Anyway, I want someone who will be just as excited as I am about Jesus coming back, about what I learn in the Bible, to encourage me when I've sinned or taken my eyes off him, to laugh with and just to walk with on this road, side by side at a similar pace. But I do know that if I'm supposed to have it, I will.

This is just the place I can say things I feel I can't say to people here because they won't understand or they won't take the time to listen. They do always mean well and they do pray, but sometimes, you just need to get it out there, whether it makes sense or not. :)

dizzistef = lilstef

In case there is any confusion... Basically, when I started the blog, there was no gmail and I used my hotmail account. Or there was gmail, but it wasn't as popular as it is today. Anyway, it's annoying to have to sign out of my gmail just to update my blog, so I decided to merge it. I don't really want to lose the info on my lilstef account, so there you have it... Two contributors, but they are both me.

If anyone knows of an easier way, well, let me know. I'm not all that technically minded.

Grateful

So, as I mentioned in my post yesterday, I had to move again. Two weeks ago I moved into this flat near Giesing Bahnhof, Munich. The room is 3 square metres smaller, but it just makes it cosier. I have now completely unpacked and now am waiting to see if I can get a new computer. It all depends on whether I can get a German bank to approve the financing, since I am a freelancer here. Funny, the monthly payments are only €67, but still, they're making a fuss... Well, we'll see.

Last Saturday, I went to Ikea and got some things for my flat - one thing being a desk - and now it's just like I wanted it to be. Yes, it's a little messy, but I would like to think that that makes it look 'lived in'. :)

Well, I have to say that this room is something that I am really grateful for. Also, since the rent here is almost half what I was paying before, this is the first time in four years that my shelf in the fridge is full. I have been able to eat fresh fruit and veg every day since I moved in. It really is great and I really am grateful for it.

Maybe this all seems so simple and basic, but I guess that's what I am. I really think that if you're happy at the simple, basic level, then you can always be content. I am especially content because I know that, though it was a very unpleasant circumstance that brought me here, I can say with Joseph in Gen 50:20 that God meant it for good. And not just my good, but also the good of my flatmate Birgit, who goes to church and believes in God, but isn't really sure about it all. After just two weeks, she is already asking me a lot of questions about what I think, what I believe and why. So, I was meant to be here. It's good all around. :)

So, I've had problems with my computer, then I was away in Malaysia for a month, and then I had to move out of my flat really quickly, so the whole 1 Peter thing I was trying to do kind of failed... sorry. It's not that I didn't want to. I really just couldn't. And I'm not going to continue it.

Why? Well, mainly because there was a time I was listening to like 4 sermons a day, reading my Bible and trying to do like 3 Bible studies (not all in one day) and it was really hard to keep up with. I love the Bible and I love it every time I learn more about it and study it, but trying to study all these books at the same time was just nuts. I realised what should have been obvious all along, I have time to learn. Ok, yes, I don't know how much time I have, but I can use the time I have to concentrate on certain things without necessarily trying to do everything in one breath. So, I've put the 1 Peter thing on hold for now. At the moment, I am concentrating on the book for the women's Bible study and trying to do my best on Philippians. I am slowly - painfully slowly - trying to memorise it.

I would really like to do something with this blog. I don't just want it to be months without nothing and then blasts for a couple of days and then nothing for ages. When this started, I used it as a way to talk about my relationship with God and put devotion stuff or maybe song lyrics on it. I hope to do the same again on a regular basis. The other thing, I guess, is to make it a type of spiritual journal. I don't know. That could work though.

In any case, I don't know if this is still being read and who it's being read by. I do hope though that this will be an encouragement to you and you will learn to love God more. I so want to be a light and in this form it's easier because it's anonymous. Well, I hope I will become more emboldened. I really do love Jesus more now than this time last year and I don't understand how you couldn't love him, but yes, that is something else...

Well, here's the blast from today. I hope it won't be too long till the next one.