Church

So, I finally made it to church on Sunday. Phew! Found it alright. I can't tell you whether it was good or bad because I didn't have the right headphones and so had to sit to through the whole service not understanding one word!! I couldn't leave either because I was sitting in the middle of the row and it was full on each side of me. I was disappointed that nobody even made an effort to talk to me. I was really early and was sitting on my won for ages not really knowing what to do with myself. I guess in that respect churches don't differ from country to country. It's a shame that there aren't more Jennys or Margarets.

This week we have Thursday off and so I'm happy to have a wee extra break. I thought about going away for the whole weekend, but it isn't going to happen. Just going to a small town in Hungary for the afternoon on Saturday. Maybe make it away at some point. Hopefully to Prague. Staying in Vienna for a whole weekend might be a little too expensive, though maybe I should just save up?

Anyway, things are going well, more or less. Really tired all the time, but I guess it just shows I'm working hard. Pay day again on Friday. Woohoo!

Vienna

Hello! I know you're all dying to know about Vienna, so here I am posting about it. Well, I didn't get off to a very good start. I was being a bit of a smart ass and I thought the station was a lot closer than it was to where I lived, so I decided to walk there. Then I got lost and had to take the bus anyway and then I missed the train by one minute. I would've made it as well if I'd known where passport control was... So then I had to wait for an hour till the next train, but it came on time and it was well fancy!

When I got to Vienna, it was absolutely FREEZING and raining. I walked for about 45 minutes heading towards the centre and then started to look at buildings. I did start to take pictures, but soon ralised that I wouldn't be able to get very far if I took pictures of every amazing piece of architecture I saw. It was beautiful and I'm going to go again. Hopefully the weather will be better in a couple of weeks...

I wish I could describe everything, but all I can say was that the buildings were beautiful - spectacular, even! Never seen architecture like it. The layout of the city was similar to Paris. I loved it! It was also brilliant going up to monuments and buildings and reading the inscriptions and being able to understand them. So happy that I could use German still! Also, it was brilliant going into a cafe and being able to understand the waiters and the menu and being able to order in a complete sentence!

Another teacher - Simon - and I were thinking about going by boat to Vienna next time because we could just sail up the Danube, but unfortunately, the boats don't run regularly in the winter and they're quite expensive. Ah well... Might be something to try next year - maybe in the summer... But I think I'm going again in a couple of weeks or so - by train - and this time I'll print off some directions to particular places. It'll be cool.

I definitely recommend going to Vienna, but you need a LOT of time. :-) Come visit and we could go together!!

Um...

Hello! Nothing to say really. Just that I got paid today and I went to the bank to put the money into my Slovak account. I went with my purse and the money - it's just across the road from the school. So, I get there and they ask for my passport. I had my bank card with me and I only wanted to put money in to the account, but I couldn't until I had brought my passport in. Man, I usually have my bag with me and my passport in it! Anyway, I had to traipse all the back to the school and get my blooming passport before I could money in! Ridiculous!

In other news: I am going to go to Vienna for the day. At least I hope so. I'll definitely go if the weather's nice. I'll be going on my own, but that way I'll have some peace from Ruth and an excuse not to go out that night since I'll be far too tired. Heehee! Then I can go to church on Sunday. Woo! And make some friends finally! :-) It'll be weird going to Vienna! I'm so excited! It's only an hour away from where I'm staying. I'll take lots of pictures, but I won't be able to post them until I get the internet in my flat. Which will probably be never. :-( Haha! Just a few more weeks!

Hello!

Hello! I'm so sorry I haven't written for ages. It's mainly because nothing much has happened... I wake up, teach my 8am class, plan for the next day, my teens and my 4.45pm class, then I teach my teens and my 4.45pm and I go home. On the weekends, I sleep in, I clean up after my flatmate Ruth (this is turning me into quite a good housewife actually, but it annoys me how dirty and messy she is!!) and then I read. A couple of Saturdays we've gone out, but I hate it. It's no fun being cramped into a crowded space and having Ruth dance AT you. Nope. I have yet to make it to church on Sunday... Mostly I've been sleeping in, and then planning my lessons, grocery shopping and more reading!! Woo! This is of course broken occasionally when Phil, my director, lends me one of his DVDs, then I really go wild!!

Just a hint of sarcasm there for ya...

Seriously man, I need a life outside of work, outside of the flat and outside of Ruth. As someone to hang out with, Ruth's alright, btu I have to hang out with her ALL THE TIME and work with her also. I need some other friends!!

See, this is why I haven't written for ages. There just hasn't been anything to say... I'm fine though, just a little bored. :-)

Woohoo for the Weekend!!

Hello! Thought I should post again before the weekend. Not really much to say really except that I'm glad another week is over and I don't have to teach again for another 2 days. Phew! Also, that I feel weird about having my birthday with no-one really to celebrate with. Well, sure there are the other teachers, but if I were in Glasgow, at least I could be with my mum and maybe some friends... Ah well. I guess I'm only thinking that because I'm a little homesick. I always miss home more at the weekend than during the week. Probably because I don't really have time to think about anything other than teaching and planning lessons during the week, oh, and sleeping as well. :-)

Em... Yeah, I'm going to go to this church that is near the school on Sunday. I have no idea what to expect, but they do have an English service, so that's something. Yeah, I never thought I would miss Christians, but I do. That's a horrible thing to say, but what I mean is, when I left, mass gatherings of Christians really scared me because well, I was sick of being patronised just because I was struggling with my faith. I guess I haven't really made any firm decisions, but more and more I see that I am more on the Christian side than any other. Certainly the more I hear about other religions, the more I see the Christianity is the way.

Yup, I'm going to go now and buy a copy of Pascal's Pensees. See if Pete keeps his promise to study it with me over the year - via email of course.

Bye!

Activities?!?!

Hello! This is an appeal for ideas. You know the game Mafia? My young teens LOVE it! I'm wondering if any of you might know of a game like Mafia that teenagers might like? I'm sure they'll get sick of it soon enough and I have no idea what to do with them then... Eek! My young teen are adorable, but the older ones are a pain in the ass! Well, only 5 of them, but still...

Teaching is so exhausting! I love my last class of the day and it's a great way to end each day. Plus, planning for them is great because I know them well enough now to know what they like and what they don't like. I think I'm getting there with the morning class too. They intimidate me a little though... I don't know if I'll ever get used to the teenagers... Goodness! I hope I get tot he point where I enjoy teaching here. I did at the end of my course.

I think I'm just having a bad day... :-S

Teenagers?!?!?!

Just a quick post to moan before I go on to teach another class: I did CELTA specifically so that I could teach adults and only adults because not only do teenagers not want to learn, but they definitely do NOT want to learn English!! My teenage classes are my lease favorite classes in the day. I could do without them.

Right, off to teach my class of the day. Lovely Intermediate adults. Phew!

Another week of teaching...

The first week here was exhausting and was full of teaching, planning lessons and teaching again. My flatmate and I both finish at 6.30pm and then when we get home, if we don't have any more planning to do, just collapse in a heap of exhaustion. We both feel like losers because we're too tired to even to go to the cinema or out for a drink! But I've been assured that this isn't the case once you get into the hang of things. Well, I hope that's soon because by the end of last week, I just didn't want to get out of bed since I was sooo tired!

Had a fairly restful weekend though. We did go with some Slovak girls to a Harley Davidson bar in the middle of nowhere. I was expecting rock music at least, but they played cheesy 80s stuff and then in the middle of all that played Rammstein, which was then followed by Thriller!! It was bizarre. Plus the DJ was a creepy old man! Eugh! By about 1 in the morning, the music got a bit better. I really didn't want to be there. When I first went out, I thought we'd just be going for a couple of drinks and home again. I wasn't prepared for not getting home till 3am!! I would've left sooner, but I didn't know where I was and didn't particularly want to wander about Bratislava on my own in the middle of the night, so I stayed. Slept most of Sunday, then went grocery shopping, read for a while and then planned my lesson for Monday.

So glad for the weekend though. It was good just doing things like cleaning my kitchen, laundry and just reading. I really feel better for it and feel prepared for a new week ahead. Though by Wednesday, I'll probably be longing for the weekend again. Speaking of the weekend: It's my birthday on Sunday, so I fully expect that those of you who've got my address should send me a card! :-P I'm allowed to make demands, I think, since I'm going to have to celebrate my birthday all alone in a foreign country. Heehee!

Lastly, those of you who pray for me, please pray I find a church nearby and some good Christian friends soon. That would great! Ok, back to work now!

Teaching

Hello! I can't believe I'm teaching 3 classes a day! My classes first thing and last thing in the day are really nice. I have teenagers in the afternoon and they're CRAZY!! But some of them are cute. I'm sure I'll get to used to them in time. :-) I can't believe how much time it takes to plan all these lessons! I was expecting it, but still... I was so spoilt during my CELTA course because we had so much time to do everything! Anyway, I'm sure I'll get into the swing of things. All the teachers that have been here a while say it gets easier to plan as the terms go on, so hopefully by Christmas it'll be almost second nature.

Someone asked if I could post pictures of where I live and I will. Once I get the internet in the flat sorted and then I'll be able to upload my photos from my laptop. I'll take some pictures of the old town too.

Well, I'm going to go back and do some work now before I have to face the dreadful teens!

Bratislava

Hello! This is the first proper time that I've been able to blog. Been able to check emails, but for some reason blogger was really slow. Anyway... So, I'm in Bratislava. For a capital city, it's pretty small. It's really beautiful though. Had a walk around the old city yesterday and yeah, it's really beautiful. Most people go home at the weekend and do it's pretty quiet here. My flat is nice. very 70s looking and set among a whole load of communist built flats. They would be intimidating if it weren't so green all over the place and peaceful. It's been really hot here the last few days, but today it's a little chilly. Still not freezing or anything though, so that's ok. In a couple of weeks, I'll hopefully be able to have the internet in my flat, so that will make things a lot easier.

I don't really know what else to say really. Just taught my first class. It's a lot less intimidating since I'm not being assessed. I have to start at 8 everyday though, but because the buses are so regular and we don't live that far away from the school, I can leave at 7.30 and get in for plenty of time. My next class isn't till 3.30 though, so I might just do some photocopying and go home for a little while.

Bad news

Oh dear... I just found out that Ruth and I are not going to be living in a nice, lovely flat. We've been moved to a rather horrible sounding one. I'm not sure what's happened or why we've been moved. Ruth didn't even know that we were being moved until Friday. No more balcony and no more living room. I've emailed Simon - my boss - and asked him to clear up the situation. Lovely! At least it's free. I hope the heating works during the winter. My mum's really annoyed about it. What can I do now? I just have to deal with it. All part of the experience, right?

Looks like there will be no room for visitors I'm afraid. :-( I just hope this isn't what the whole year is going to be like...

I'm leaving in a day

Hi! I've not been a really good blogger for ages. Sorry! Not really had much to say since nothing much has happened since getting accepted to Bratislava. So, I leave in a day. I can't quite get my head around it. People keep asking me if I'm ready, but I have no way of actually knowing that. I'm going to miss quite a few people very deeply, but this time of leaving I think will show me who my real friends are. That's quite a blunt statement, isn't it?

I'm going to try my best to blog while I'm away, but as I've said before, I'm not sending round mass emails, though I might just send one letting people know I've arrived safely and things like my address... I'm hoping to get the internet in my flat, but I'm not sure how much of a possibility that really is. I'll know more when I'm there. I got emails from my flatmate pretty much everyday - the girl in Bratislava - so I guess there must be a few places around where I can send and receive emails.

I'm getting to the stage where I just want to get there and get it over and done with - like ripping of a band-aid/plaster. I'll feel better once I know what I'm doing and where everything is. I am just hoping for really good friends. They make such a difference to everything and as many things I can bring from here to there, I can't bring my good friends, so I rerally need to make some new ones. I'm pretty easy to befriend, so I'm sure it won;t be long. :-)

Ok, not really sure what to say now... I'm on facebook and bebo, so if you want to, keep in touch that way. If not, I guess I'll see when I see you. Goodbye!

Leaving Party

Hello! I don't know who reads my blog anymore, but if you do, you're one of my friends and are still in Glasgow, please come to my leaving party on Saturday 8 September at the Primary on Woodlands Road from 7.30pm!

Thanks!

I'm leaving!!!

Woohoo! I'm going to Bratislava on 18 September. Yup, just about 6 weeks!

I know, I know. I was all excited about Poland and the school seemed like a good place and the town sounded nice, but at Bratislava, I don't have to pay rent or bills for a year. Plus, they pick me up from the airport, refund me half my travel costs, I get to teach a wide range of courses - from beginner to exam level, I am only 1-2 hours away from Vienna, Prague, Budapest and Bucharest... It goes on and on. Sounds nice. Plus, if anyone wanted to visit, it's a lot easier to get to than where I would've been in Poland.

So, my tickets are booked. Really cheap. Need to save up some money so that I can pay for the excess weight on my luggage! No idea what to take and what not to take. EEK! Going to start packing bit by bit.

Found out about my flat today too. Thought I would have a flat to myself, but turns out I'll be sharing. Ah well... Hope my flat mate it nice. :-S It's apparently a nice flat - 2 bedrooms, a living room, modern and fully furnished is all I've been told. Presumably it has a bathroom and a kitchen too. By the way, anyone know where I can get an adapter for European plugs? I'll need a couple I think before I go. :-)

It's all happening so quickly, but I like it. There'd be nothing worse than temping forever. Good to finally be doing what I want to, even if it's not the country of my dreams. Ah well... These things happen for a reason, right? I'll get to Japan eventually. I just hope I remember how to plan lessons and teach!!

Wish me luck!

(Oh, I hope to be keeping my blog up to date while I'm away. If not, I'm on facebook. If you want to know how I'm getting on, just ask. I won't be sending round mass emails. See ya!)

Moving on up!

Yo! I have some good news at last. Since coming back from my summer school in Wolverhampton, I've been more determined than ever to get off my backside and get myself an EFL job even if it means no Japan. So, I applied for 7 jobs on Monday and Tuesday and have since had 5 different schools say they're interested!! Out of all 5, the one I most like the sound of is in Poland. Had my phone interview today and I think it went pretty well. Never can tell with these things and even less so on the phone! Lady was really nice though and I kept speaking to her as if I'd already gotten the job. Poor Chris is going to miss me, but hey... I was never going to be around for long. If all goes well, I'll be in Poland for 24 Sept! Exciting! Only have 6 more weeks here and I can finally leave and do what I've been desperate to do for FOUR YEARS!!! Teaching. Bet I'll hate it though once it starts! Haha!

You can't begin to imagine how relieved I am that my life is finally moving forward and going somewhere. I thought I may have been stuck in the Mental Health Tribunal forever and all my work at CELTA was going to go to waste. Not so though. Even if I don't get this job in Poland (I'll hear at the start of next week), there's still an interview for Bratislava tomorrow and one on 17 August for a school in Germany. All of them start at the end of Sept/beginning of Oct. Can you believe that I can finally start living my dream? Oh God, I hope this is not just false hope! It's the first time I've been happy and excited about something in months. Phew!

Fingers crossed. Will let you know when I know more!

Back in sunny Glasgow!

Sorry I haven't written for a while...

Quick update: My faith is not there anymore, I can honestly say. The past two weeks I was in Wolverhampton at a Project International camp and went a bit crazy. Didn't do anything majorly wrong, but definitely wouldn't have done half the things if I'd been here among Christians. In a way, it was good because I got too see who I was without God and got a fair idea of just how bad things could get if I didn't sort myself out. On the other hand though, I had a really good time, but I don't think I would continue to behave int hat way. Essentially, I am still the same Steph, but all the things that were good in me definitely came from God and part of me, though it is getting smaller everyday, still wants it back. I don't know though. It's tough.

I don't know. I think part of me did it to be accepted or something? I do know that over the last couple of years I've become progressively lonelier and lonelier still. And the fact that I have no direction at the moment has thrown me completely. I am lost ina lot of ways. I hope I do find some way back to rationality and reason though, but it'll take time and effort and I hope I will kick myself up my backside and actually do something about it. But with no direction, it's hard to be motivated.

All of this is really affecting the way I look at myself - who am I, what do I look like, am I pretty, how do others perceive me.... All these things are floating around in my head. I don't know what I'm looking for. When I was sure about God, I was sure about who I was and where I stood in the world. Well, not exactly, but I knew I was part of God's plan and I knew it was best. I long for that place, but it'll take such a long time to get back there...

Good to be home though. Looking forward to sleeping in my own bed!

Sayonara Japan

So, I've decided to give up on Japan. The company I applied to - NOVA - were told this week by the Japanese government to suspend recruitment of new students for 6 months because they lied to prospective students about their facilties. I called them when I read the news on the Japan Times on Thursday to ask if this affected my application, but they said no as they are still allowed to renew contracts with existing students. Still, I am quite dubious. It's a pretty serious thing when the government orders you to do something and my guess is that the students won't all rush to renew their contracts. Since Japan is on the other side of the world, I'd like to go there being 100% sure of my company, but I'm not. I don't want to end up stranded on the other side of the world, so I'm not going yet. Plus, I feel like maybe I'm not ever supposed to go. The last time I wanted to go, I had cancer and now the company appears to be suspect. Plus, there was all this hassle about my primary school and how they lied about when I would hear back. It's not never, I suppose, but definitely not for a while.

It's quite difficult to think of what else to do because for the last 4 or 5 years I've wanted to teach English as a foreign language and to teach it in Japan. I guess I really can go anywhere and I should try Europe. Since Thursday I've been thinking that since I need regualr check-ups still that maybe Europe would be best because then I could save money on health insurance as I could just fly back for my appointments. They're now every four months and soon will be every six months, so that should be manageable. Also, the place I'm working at now said that they'd be able to offer me work till maybe Christmas, so that sounds good too.

How do I feel about having to give up Japan yet again? I don't know. I'm not entirely surprised. It seems everytime I want something that it's almost a guarantee that I'm never going to get it. It seems that everyone else gets what they want, but I'm the one who has to be patient and wait. But what exactly am I waiting for? Part of me is frustrated because the last few months would've been different if I'd known I wasn't going. And I hate the fact that everyone is going to feel sorry for me. "Poor little Steph. I hope something works out for her soon."

I think that maybe I should change the picture for my blog too. I'll have to change the title too, eh? No use having a Japanese themed blog when I'm not going to get there for a while... Pfff! I have no idea what to do now and no motivation to find out. I don't want to be one of those people who are always living in the future and so don't appreciate their present. I'm little Steph and there's a big world out there. I just hope one day I get to see it.

Where is my faith?

You know, up until this week, I thought I was just struggling as a Christian and struggling with my relationship wih God, but after speaking to Julie today, I realised that it is deeper than that. I have lost my faith and in doing so have lost my hope. People always ask what difference does knowing God make to anyone's life, well, it gave me hope and now that I haven't got it, life's outlook is hopeless to me. I was kidding myself and perhaps others too, but I was never kidding God. How do you get faith back once you've lost it?

On another note, my interview was alright on Thursday for NOVA. I just answered the questions as best as I could and I'll hear by the end of the week. Or the start of next week. Who knows? It's quite tough knowing how to respond when people say that they think there's no reason why I shouldn't get the job. It's quite tough as well trying to show someone who doesn't know you that you are the right person for the job and that this is something you seriously want to do and it isn't just a pipedream. I don't know. I just have to wait and see...

Somewhere I know that this isn't a surprise to God and in some way he isn't distant. He knows, I guess, that in the long run this will be good for me because it'll have been something I decided for myself and not just something I have been told to believe. With this I just have to wait and see as well, but I still have to keep looking. :-)

150th POST!!

Well, I suppose it's about time I blog again... I've been lazy with it because I've been sooo ridiculously tired. I think I may be anaemic. Not exaggerating or being a hyperchondriac. I have been slightly anaemic since my treatment, so it's not a total jump... I kept fainting the other night and my GP thinks it might have been a moment of low blood pressure. But we won't know for sure I guess... My GP's going to give me a check up next Tuesday, so I'll know then.

As for spiritual health: I can't say I've made any progress. I have no idea whatsoever how I'm supposed to rely on God for strength. I had a problem with that even when I was sure I was a Christian. The only time I got it right was when I had cancer and I'd rather learn how do it when I'm well than just be critically ill just so I can know God better. I think I'm just where I was - I know that I cannot live without God and that I want to be a Christian. But I have no idea whatsoever of how to live with God - how to be a Christian.

My problem is that I have always looked to other Christians as an example. Now the fact that Paul said to follow him as he follows Christ makes so much sense. Even Paul wasn't the 'right' example. Only Jesus. But I have no idea how to do that since the gospel stories are so familiar, they fall on deaf ears. But I also get distracted by Christians, expecially those that make me cringe to be associated with. That also is a 'plank in my eye' problem... Sandyford has been going through Matthew and they've been really well done sermons - very expansive, information and helpful. My problem is in application... I just have to wait and see, I suppose...

I guess I'm never really going to be 'sorted out', but I do want to be at a place where I know that God is definitely there...

Interview and revelations...

First of all, I just want to let you know that I heard from NOVA today and my interview is in Edinburgh on 31 May!!

Next, here is what I've learned about God:

I've recently discovered that EVERYONE is selfish - that is why we sin. The person I love most in my life, no matter what I may think, is me. That's why the law can be summarised with just 2 commands - love the Lord with all your heart, soul and mind and love your neighbour as yourself. There's no room in either of those for just 'ME'. I've also realised that that is all you need for marriage. Us Christians have a tendency to complicate things and complicate rules but we forget what Jesus told us in the Sermon on the Mount. If that is all we need for life, that is all we need for marriage. I've put up with this lie that you have to be somehow spiritually 'superior' to be 'ready' for marriage for too long, but I've since realised that these are both lies. When you approach anything, it's about your heart attitude and you're never 'ready' to do it, just ready to learn from it. That's what God's been teaching me.

All the 'lies' I was talking about, they were very loud at Calvary and I kept thinking there was something wrong with me. There was some other stuff that made me think that maybe I wasn't actually a Christian because I wasn't seeing things like everyone else was. I have since seen that the only thing wrong with me is sin and the only person who can do anything about it is God. Everything really is that simple. And like Chris Hoy told me, all those months ago, all I need to be a Christian is to believe that Jesus is the son of God and that Him dying on the cross freed me from sins and in doing so opened the way up for me to have a relationship with God. Doctrine doesn't matter - of course, we have to obedient to God, but that comes down to what I said above, if we love God and other people more than ourselves, we'll sin less (all with God's help of course).

Since realising all this stuff, I do feel free and I do feel like I finally understand how Jesus' yoke is light. It is. We Christians get in our own way. It's quite absurd. Oh well. Learning to love God and everyone else more than I love myself is going to be tough, but it is a LOT easier than trying to be like all the other Christians. I have to find my own way of relating to God. The Pursuit of God has really helped with that. What an eye opener! I highly recommend it - along with Mere Christianity. They really set out Christianity and relating to God in such a straightforward way. But I also highly recommend the Bible. It's all about grace and God's help. Love the Lord your God with your heart, soul and mind, and love your neighbour as you love yourself. There is true wisdom in both these commands. It is ALL you need.

That's it.