So I guess that since I have the internet at home and all, I don't have an excuse not to blog. But also this is an excuse to ramble on to a somewhat captive audience. Get ready for those deep thoughts:

When I was at uni, involved with church and CU, I had TONS of friends. I had people around me all the time and there was always something to do or something to be involved in. I had so many people that I cared about. And I mean, genuinely. I really loved these people and now I see that that was a mistake. I wasn't careful with who I felt what for and now I'm really hurt and I can't face going back into that environment because I don't want to be sucked into that again. I realise now that I shouldn't have opened myself up so completely and I really should have held back. It's just that I thought these other people were genuine and really did love me back, but it might have just been a deep sense of fondness at the time, but nothing that had any roots, which is clear now that only 3 of my closest Christian friends are still in contact with me whether I take the initiative or not.

That really hurt, you know. I've kept it inside of me for so long, but it's made me so bitter and cynical and it's driven me away from the church and especially Christians. I just find it so difficult to understand how a group of people who are supposed to love you and care about you don't. Ok, this is a BIG generalisation, but it's hard to be specific without naming specific people and unfortunately, I have a big long list. 

Also, since being out in the 'world', I've learned just how clueless some Christians really are. They want to reach out to this world, but they don't know anything about it! They just have a vague idea. Almost like my knowledge of Australia, which is mainly from Neighbours and definitely not representative of real life there.

No, this is going totally wrong... I don't want to bad mouth Christians. I just finally want to talk about this. It's taken so long! And I am so put off by this experience that I want to do EVERYTHING but go back to the church and hanging out with Christians. 

I want to be a Christian again. I loved God, I really did. I prayed almost everyday and I loved the Bible and I love studying it and talking about it and I loved learning more about it because it brought me closer to God. I miss it! Now he's a complete stranger to me. Now the Bible is just a long collection of words that mean nothing to me. I have NO idea how to get back to where I was with God. Though I guess, it can't be because I've changed.

Do you know how hard this is? People keep telling me just to pray or just start reading the Bible, but I can't. I really can't! It's like looking at someone you used to love deeply and feeling absolutely nothing. Can you imagine how guilty I feel not being able to love God? I feel like such a hypocrite even touching the Bible. I know how it used to feel and I know what it was like to really be close to God. We really did have a relationship and any attempt to 're-establish' that just feels like play acting. And I can't give myself over to God 100% because I don't want to, so I feel like until I can do that, what's the point?

I've spent so much of my life being a Christian or at least being in a Christian environment. In a very real way, I feel much freer outside of it. I like myself more because I'm less self-righteous, I'm more open to people and I'm less judgmental. Otherwise, I'm pretty much the same me. I don't know. I want to go back to God, but I don't know how. I don't know where to start. I've heard it all before. I need something new and real and not some pre-prepared Christian answer. But until then, don't pressure me. It only makes me feel worse. I know that I need to go back to God, but I just want to be ready because I'm going to have to give him all of me and I really can't right now.

So, that's where I'm at with God and Christianity. I have moved on. I am getting over the hurt my church and CU caused me. Slowly. I'll get there. Eventually.