I think I finally understand why couples are so introverted and once they've found each other seem to only need each other or be in danger of imploding if they are away from each other for any length of time. It's what we all crave and desire more than anything - someone to love us for all that we are and to need us; also someone to trust and depend on. If I'm honest, that's exactly what I want. More than anything, I want someone to value me and to take care of me. I'm beginning to wonder f other than my mum, there is ever going to be anyone. I love my mum more than I can begin to describe, but I think you know that the kind o thing I really, really want is more than a mother's love. My friends have all moved on and in a day, I'm going to be spending time with a bunch of my friends who have mostly all found their other halves. Where's mine? Am I not good enough to have one? Is it ever going to be my turn?!

Man, I'm so stupid to have thought that Paul could be anything like that. He was so sweet and romantic. How was I to know that it'd all be over as soon as it began? And now he won't even talk to me and why? That, thankfully, is not just something I can't understand, but other folk can't either, so I don't feel entirely stupid. He was so helpful when I was looking for a flat and now nothing. Not even a response to a merry Christmas message, which is downright rude to be honest. It's not like I was bugging him and annoying him. I gave him space and well, now he clearly doesn't even have any desire to even be civil. That hurts a lot. The first guy to have been so lovely and to have taken an interest in me and it lasted about as long as a deep breath. Kinda made me feel like there's no hope.

Ok, so I guess that's not entirely true. Just have to wait and see. I'm just beginning to live the life I've wanted to for so long. It's only a matter of time, right? :S

Out of sight is out of mind

This holiday has really shown me how true this statement is. When  I lived in Glasgow, especially when I was at uni, I had soooooo many friends. I've been back in Glasgow for 2 and a half weeks and the only person who's made an effort to see me is Katherine. Fair enough, most of my friends have left Glasgow now and some of them weren't around because of the time of year, but if I'm honest, other than Pete, Rosie, Kirsty and Katherine, who have I got now in Glasgow? Who have I got anywhere, really? What happened to all my friends?

I know I left the country, but with Facebook, Skype, email, etc. I'm sure I could be contacted, but even people from church that I invested a lot of my heart into haven't even asked how I am or how I'm getting on or anything. It's kinda sad because I thought at the time that I was investing in life long friendships. I see now just how rare they are and how right Kirsty was. I've been so naive!

I just hope that I don't lose any more friends because I'm running low as it is! :(

Christmas 2008

When I think about this time last year, it's hard to remember what I was thinking or feeling. All I remember is that I was so happy and relieved that Ruth had finally left. I'd had a really good class that I loved and I'd made a Slovak friend - Eva. As far as teaching and making friends at work went, the situation wasn't as good as it is now with Munich. I'd finally gotten used to the teaching and I was better and more confident than when I started, but I didn't feel as settled and happy as I do now in my job, but I liked it all the same because I knew that it could only get better after Ruth - and it did. And I also remember how strange it felt being home last year and how I felt much more at home in Bratislava. That is all so weird to me now because now, a year later, as much as I love Munich and my job and flat, home feels like home again. But it did again once I came back from Bratislava, so that makes sense. :)

So much has happened this year already. So many unexpected, lovely and horrible things. In this year, I've been to 4 countries already - Slovakia, Czech Republic, Germany and Austria. Also, I was in England for a month, but that I guess doesn't really count... Or maybe it does... I don't know. I've also had 3 jobs. Thinking about all that has happened since this time last year makes me feel overwhelmed! I'm now relieved that I'm staying on in Munich for 2 years and this time next year, I can only feel more settled in my job, but also, I'll feel more settled in Munich as a whole and I'll feel like I actually live there. It was easier in Bratislava because it's so small, but Munich is HUGE - it doesn't feel like it, but it is! It's lovely though and I'm glad I moved there.

I've met some really nice people and a couple of realistic Christians and that's helped me in the past few weeks. People who really understand what I went through with CU and my church and who I don't feel have judged me and have made me feel that I can go back and fit in again. That's been great. I still don't feel ready to go back to church full time, but I know now that I'm moving in that direction and I feel good about it.

Generally, over the last couple of years, I've started to feel happier about myself. I've always had self-esteem issues, but somehow, the church made it worse. I'm happy with the way I look now and it's such a relief not having to feel guilty about everything and not having to analyse every motive before deciding to do something. I'm happy with who I am as a whole, which is something I was never able to feel as a Christian. It's a relief! But now I feel ready to accept that I still need God, but maybe I just don't Christians in the same way as I did before. And that's a healthier place to be, I think. I've stopped being bitter and angry, so I've moved forward and the only way I think I can go is back to God, who accepts me for exactly all that I am in a way I know from experience a lot of Christians haven't done and aren't able to do. But it makes me love Jesus all the more because He knows exactly how terrible I am and loves me anyway. It's been good to find out that my closest friends are like that and to find 2 more in Munich.

So, next year, there's a lot of good to look forward to. And a lot more lovely, unexpected and horrible things too. I just hope that these last couple of weeks of this year will see me being able to move on from the hurts of this last year so I can look forward to what's coming in the next one. I know now things - in general - can only get better. So here's to that! Bring on the new year! :D

I'm soooo tired!! I actually have a class to teach at 5pm, but it's a Friday!! Who wants to do anything at 5pm on a Friday but go home?! I'm hoping that she will either cancel a lot or will change her time. Goodness! I've been given the responsibility of replenishing some materials, so I was doing that today, which was fine up to apoint and now I've just been planning for my lessons on Monday and I feel completely braindead and definitely in no mood to teach for an hour and a half. :( Ah well... I really hope she moves it to an earlier time - even 4pm on a Friday would be better...

Anyway, nothing new really except that facebook is refusing to work on our work computers for some reason and it has been for a week! But at least I have the internet at home too.

I just can't wait to get home to be able to rest. Tomorrow my wardrobe's arriving so I can finally unpack. It'll be good to feel properly settled. Man, I feel like such an old woman. :(

I haven't written for ages because I've been really busy. There've been loads of extra classes, but the good news is that I might be getting a bonus for the extra hours I've done. Won't get it till my January pay though. :( But still...

Work's been going very well. Just had my observation feedback today and it was positive. Got a few things to work on, but my boss said I showed a lot of potential and she was impressed at my self-awareness. She said in a couple of ways, I was very good for someone who was a new teacher. I really liked my boss's feedback because it wasn't patronising and she was very straightforward, down to earth and helpful.

In other news, I love my students. German students are LOVELY and not at all like the hard-faced business people I was expecting. They have such a great sense of humour and most of them are so motivated to learn English. And I'm starting to really love Munich. It's just a shame that I've been so tired recently that I haven't been able to do more and meet more people. I have, however, got a language exchange partner and she's helping me to practise German.

I'm really glad I came here and so I guess it wasn't such a bad thing meeting Paul though it makes me sad that it never came to anything. Though if I'm really honest, I would never have thought about Munich if it hadn't been for him and also, I've got a lot more out of it than I expected. It still makes me sad thought. But time's a healer and even if it doesn't heal the pain, it gradually fades and eventually all you have is a memory and it can even make you smile.

One day.