I haven't written for ages because there's been no more news on the treatment front. Well, and that's not really very much news about me... I'm trying to use the immense amount of free time to pray and start studying the Bible again, so I made a start this week. Also, I found out that I won't have to undergo the whole apllication and selection process for my teaching course next year so that's brilliant! I'm guaranteed a place for next January's course. What a relief! I couldn't be bothered having to answer all those grammar and essay questions and doing the pre-course task again. Phew!!
I've also started reading The Constant Gardener. Only on chapter 2 just now, but already gripped in the intrigue. Who killed Tessa? I haven't seen the movie, so don't anyone tell me what happens. I heard the movie was good, so I expect the book to be pretty good too.
Yup, other than that, all's well with me. I'm still fine emotionally and physically. We all knew I was never fine mentally, so that's still the same. ;-) Just getting a bit curious about how chemotheraphy is going to be. Sounds nasty and I've developed an aversion to needles since I've had sooo many stuck into me over the past couple of months. Blegh! Ah well...
Thanks to all those who continue to pray for my family and I. It is still very much appreciated and I feel very blessed by it. :-)
Ciao for now!
March 31, 2006
March 22, 2006
Chemotheraphy
Hello! Once again I hope that those of you who read this blog will pass on the information to my other friends. Thanks!
Yesterday I found out that my chemotheraphy will start a lot sooner than I expected and will be a lot more intense than I was informed last week. It'll start on 10 April and I'll be admitted into the Beatson Oncology Centre of the Western Infirmary for 3 days to get my first administration of chemotheraphy. Doesn't sound very nice as I was told last week that it'd only be a day treatment at Gartnavel every three weeks. But ah well! I'm not sure if I'll have to be admitted for three days every third week. I assume so though.
I'm still ok about it all, don't worry. I am a bit surprised because Dr Davis and Sister Bredin seemed sure it wouldn't be at the Beatson, so I was expecting to hear what they'd said to be re-iterated by Dr Reed. Well, at least the Beatson will be a lot easier to get to from where I live than Gartnavel. :-)
The only other news is that I'm going to shave my head on 8 April and that Chris Hoy is taking me to see V for Vendetta tonight. I did want to donate my hair to make wigs for kids with cancer, but it's too short. Minumum donation length has to be 8 inches! Ah well...
Yesterday I found out that my chemotheraphy will start a lot sooner than I expected and will be a lot more intense than I was informed last week. It'll start on 10 April and I'll be admitted into the Beatson Oncology Centre of the Western Infirmary for 3 days to get my first administration of chemotheraphy. Doesn't sound very nice as I was told last week that it'd only be a day treatment at Gartnavel every three weeks. But ah well! I'm not sure if I'll have to be admitted for three days every third week. I assume so though.
I'm still ok about it all, don't worry. I am a bit surprised because Dr Davis and Sister Bredin seemed sure it wouldn't be at the Beatson, so I was expecting to hear what they'd said to be re-iterated by Dr Reed. Well, at least the Beatson will be a lot easier to get to from where I live than Gartnavel. :-)
The only other news is that I'm going to shave my head on 8 April and that Chris Hoy is taking me to see V for Vendetta tonight. I did want to donate my hair to make wigs for kids with cancer, but it's too short. Minumum donation length has to be 8 inches! Ah well...
March 20, 2006
A little less silly, a little more serious
Today Marji asked me, "So Steph, how do you really feel about all this?" I guess only your closest friend would be brave enough to not only ask that question, but also listen to the answer.
I'd never really thought about it. I'm at peace about the cancer, surgery, chemo and also the hair/eyebrow loss. It's all ok. I don't feel brave, I don't feel wronged or sad or bitter. I think I got off pretty lightly. It wasn't terminal, I still have my womb and an ovary, stitches are healing quickly and really well, it was a really early stage of cancer and all I'll lose is my hair and possibly my eyebrows. I mean, I don't even have a weird shaped head, so I can probably pull off being bald! I feel humbled by it all. Other families have to suffer losing a family member. Other women suffer much worse than I ever will have to because it was caught so early. That's why I'm so fine about it. I've been blessed.
No one else with cancer has probably gottten off as lightly as I have. Once chemo is over, that's it! Do you know how overwhelming that is?! It's not enough that Jesus himself died for me, but no, when I suffer I get off lightly. I get the least. Also, I get surrounded by love and prayer. On every possible level I'm blessed and well looked after. Oh, I forgot to mention the fact that I got the best doctor in the field to operate on me (and he cared - I wasn't 'just another patient'), and two of the loveliest nurses I've ever met to care for me when I was feeling at my worst. And it's being taken care of so quickly! Some people have to wait for ages living in fear of it all eating away at their insides. How can I feel anything than good about it?! AND, my mum got a whole month off work so she could care for me. Is God in control or what?!?!
So what do I really feel? Overwhelmed, special, blessed, unworthy, humbled, scared and fed-up. The last because I like to be doing things and I can't just now, but God is just changing me from a Martha to a Mary. And scared because I know this means difficulty up ahead as God has a lot for me to do. But I guess it's because I don't feel ready just yet. No, not yet. But I will be, eh?
Hmmm... So this is how I really am. I really don't think I'm all that brave. I don't know how anyone who knew that God is in absolute control can feel anything but at peace. There's no way I could've coped if I didn't have God. I have GOD on my side people!!! Anything that happens is all his perfect and good will. I suppose I also feel reassured... Hmmm... So, I guess I've finally really answered Marji's question and possibly satisfied your curiosity. I really am ok with all this. It's not the drugs - they finished ages ago. :-D
I'll leave you with a couple of my favourite verses at the moment (from the Message):
12Friends, when life gets really difficult, don't jump to the conclusion that God isn't on the job. 13Instead, be glad that you are in the very thick of what Christ experienced. This is a spiritual refining process... - 1 Peter 4:12,13
Never again will there be any night. No one will need lamplight or sunlight. The shining of God, the Master, is all the light anyone needs. - Rev 22:5
PS: This pic is very representative of me right now. I know all of the above on the inside, but I'm still a sulky little girl on the outside... [giggles]
I'd never really thought about it. I'm at peace about the cancer, surgery, chemo and also the hair/eyebrow loss. It's all ok. I don't feel brave, I don't feel wronged or sad or bitter. I think I got off pretty lightly. It wasn't terminal, I still have my womb and an ovary, stitches are healing quickly and really well, it was a really early stage of cancer and all I'll lose is my hair and possibly my eyebrows. I mean, I don't even have a weird shaped head, so I can probably pull off being bald! I feel humbled by it all. Other families have to suffer losing a family member. Other women suffer much worse than I ever will have to because it was caught so early. That's why I'm so fine about it. I've been blessed.
No one else with cancer has probably gottten off as lightly as I have. Once chemo is over, that's it! Do you know how overwhelming that is?! It's not enough that Jesus himself died for me, but no, when I suffer I get off lightly. I get the least. Also, I get surrounded by love and prayer. On every possible level I'm blessed and well looked after. Oh, I forgot to mention the fact that I got the best doctor in the field to operate on me (and he cared - I wasn't 'just another patient'), and two of the loveliest nurses I've ever met to care for me when I was feeling at my worst. And it's being taken care of so quickly! Some people have to wait for ages living in fear of it all eating away at their insides. How can I feel anything than good about it?! AND, my mum got a whole month off work so she could care for me. Is God in control or what?!?!
So what do I really feel? Overwhelmed, special, blessed, unworthy, humbled, scared and fed-up. The last because I like to be doing things and I can't just now, but God is just changing me from a Martha to a Mary. And scared because I know this means difficulty up ahead as God has a lot for me to do. But I guess it's because I don't feel ready just yet. No, not yet. But I will be, eh?
Hmmm... So this is how I really am. I really don't think I'm all that brave. I don't know how anyone who knew that God is in absolute control can feel anything but at peace. There's no way I could've coped if I didn't have God. I have GOD on my side people!!! Anything that happens is all his perfect and good will. I suppose I also feel reassured... Hmmm... So, I guess I've finally really answered Marji's question and possibly satisfied your curiosity. I really am ok with all this. It's not the drugs - they finished ages ago. :-D
I'll leave you with a couple of my favourite verses at the moment (from the Message):
12Friends, when life gets really difficult, don't jump to the conclusion that God isn't on the job. 13Instead, be glad that you are in the very thick of what Christ experienced. This is a spiritual refining process... - 1 Peter 4:12,13
Never again will there be any night. No one will need lamplight or sunlight. The shining of God, the Master, is all the light anyone needs. - Rev 22:5
PS: This pic is very representative of me right now. I know all of the above on the inside, but I'm still a sulky little girl on the outside... [giggles]
March 19, 2006
Plagiarism
Just to let you know that I didn't write the last two entries! They come from an online devotional called Streams in the Desert. I'm going to cite the reference from now on. I didn't mean to plagiarise!
March 18, 2006
Patience in the routine
"Be thou there till I bring thee word" (Matt. 2:13)."I'll stay where You've put me;
I will, dear Lord, Though I wanted so badly to go;
I was eager to march with the 'rank and file,'
Yes, I wanted to lead them, You know.
I planned to keep step to the music loud,
To cheer when the banner unfurled,
To stand in the midst of the fight straight and proud,
But I'll stay where You've put me.
"I'll stay where You've put me; I'll work, dear Lord,
Though the field be narrow and small,
And the ground be fallow, and the stones lie thick,
And there seems to be no life at all.
The field is Thine own, only give me the seed,
I'll sow it with never a fear;
I'll till the dry soil while I wait for the rain,
And rejoice when the green blades appear;
I'll work where You've put me.
"I'll stay where You've put me; I will, dear Lord;
I'll bear the day's burden and heat,
Always trusting Thee fully; when even has come
I'll lay heavy sheaves at Thy feet.
And then, when my earth work is ended and done,
In the light of eternity's glow,
Life's record all closed, I surely shall find
It was better to stay than to go;
I'll stay where You've put me."
March 17, 2006
Flowers in the Canyon
"For our profit" (Heb. 12:10).
In one of Ralph Connor's books he tells a story of Gwen. Gwen was a wild, wilful lassie and one who had always been accustomed to having her own way. Then one day she met with a terrible accident which crippled her for life. She became very rebellious and in the murmuring state she was visited by the Sky Pilot, as the missionary among the mountaineers was termed.
He told her the parable of the canyon. "At first there were no canyons, but only the broad, open prairie. One day the Master of the Prairie, walking over his great lawns, where were only grasses, asked the Prairie, 'Where are your flowers?' and the Prairie said, 'Master I have no seeds.'
"Then he spoke to the birds, and they carried seeds of every kind of flower and strewed them far and wide, and soon the prairie bloomed with crocuses and roses and buffalo beans and the yellow crowfoot and the wild sunflowers and the red lilies all summer long. Then the Master came and was well pleased; but he missed the flowers he loved best of all, and he said to the Prairie: 'Where are the clematis and the columbine, the sweet violets and wind-flowers, and all the ferns and flowering shrubs?'
"And again he spoke to the birds, and again they carried all the seeds and scattered them far and wide. But, again, when the Master came he could not find the flowers he loved best of all, and he said:
"'Where are those my sweetest flowers?' and the Prairie cried sorrowfully:
"'Oh, Master, I cannot keep the flowers, for the winds sweep fiercely, and the sun beats upon my breast, and they wither up and fly away.'
"Then the Master spoke to the Lightning, and with one swift blow the Lightning cleft the Prairie to the heart. And the Prairie rocked and groaned in agony, and for many a day moaned bitterly over the black, jagged, gaping wound.
"But the river poured its waters through the cleft, and carried down deep black mould, and once more the birds carried seeds and strewed them in the canyon. And after a long time the rough rocks were decked out with soft mosses and trailing vines, and all the nooks were hung with clematis and columbine, and great elms lifted their huge tops high up into the sunlight, and down about their feet clustered the low cedars and balsams, and everywhere the violets and wind-flower and maiden-hair grew and bloomed, till the canyon became the Master's favorite place for rest and peace and joy."
Then the Sky Pilot read to her: "The fruit--I'll read 'flowers'--of the Spirit are love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness--and some of these grow only in the canyon."
"Which are the canyon flowers?" asked Gwen softly, and the Pilot answered: "Gentleness, meekness, longsuffering; but though the others, love, joy, peace, bloom in the open, yet never with so rich a bloom and so sweet a perfume as in the canyon."
For a long time Gwen lay quite still, and then said wistfully, while her lips trembled: "There are no flowers in my canyon, but only ragged rocks."
"Some day they will bloom, Gwen dear; the Master will find them, and we, too, shall see them."
Beloved, when you come to your canyon, remember!
In one of Ralph Connor's books he tells a story of Gwen. Gwen was a wild, wilful lassie and one who had always been accustomed to having her own way. Then one day she met with a terrible accident which crippled her for life. She became very rebellious and in the murmuring state she was visited by the Sky Pilot, as the missionary among the mountaineers was termed.
He told her the parable of the canyon. "At first there were no canyons, but only the broad, open prairie. One day the Master of the Prairie, walking over his great lawns, where were only grasses, asked the Prairie, 'Where are your flowers?' and the Prairie said, 'Master I have no seeds.'
"Then he spoke to the birds, and they carried seeds of every kind of flower and strewed them far and wide, and soon the prairie bloomed with crocuses and roses and buffalo beans and the yellow crowfoot and the wild sunflowers and the red lilies all summer long. Then the Master came and was well pleased; but he missed the flowers he loved best of all, and he said to the Prairie: 'Where are the clematis and the columbine, the sweet violets and wind-flowers, and all the ferns and flowering shrubs?'
"And again he spoke to the birds, and again they carried all the seeds and scattered them far and wide. But, again, when the Master came he could not find the flowers he loved best of all, and he said:
"'Where are those my sweetest flowers?' and the Prairie cried sorrowfully:
"'Oh, Master, I cannot keep the flowers, for the winds sweep fiercely, and the sun beats upon my breast, and they wither up and fly away.'
"Then the Master spoke to the Lightning, and with one swift blow the Lightning cleft the Prairie to the heart. And the Prairie rocked and groaned in agony, and for many a day moaned bitterly over the black, jagged, gaping wound.
"But the river poured its waters through the cleft, and carried down deep black mould, and once more the birds carried seeds and strewed them in the canyon. And after a long time the rough rocks were decked out with soft mosses and trailing vines, and all the nooks were hung with clematis and columbine, and great elms lifted their huge tops high up into the sunlight, and down about their feet clustered the low cedars and balsams, and everywhere the violets and wind-flower and maiden-hair grew and bloomed, till the canyon became the Master's favorite place for rest and peace and joy."
Then the Sky Pilot read to her: "The fruit--I'll read 'flowers'--of the Spirit are love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness--and some of these grow only in the canyon."
"Which are the canyon flowers?" asked Gwen softly, and the Pilot answered: "Gentleness, meekness, longsuffering; but though the others, love, joy, peace, bloom in the open, yet never with so rich a bloom and so sweet a perfume as in the canyon."
For a long time Gwen lay quite still, and then said wistfully, while her lips trembled: "There are no flowers in my canyon, but only ragged rocks."
"Some day they will bloom, Gwen dear; the Master will find them, and we, too, shall see them."
Beloved, when you come to your canyon, remember!
March 15, 2006
We interrupt your viewing to bring you an urgent news bulletin...
Hello! Well, it's not really urgent, but I couldn't really think of a title so...First of all, I ask my blog readers, who I know are friends with my other friends, to please pass this on to them because, to be honest, the worst part of having cancer and/or major surgery is answering the same questions over and over and over again. It gets quite annoying and boring actually... Sorry, just telling you the truth, you know.
Second of all, the news. I found out that my tumour is inbetween low and intermediate and so I'm getting three to four courses of chemotheraphy. I will lose my hair, so I'm going to cut my hair short and choose my wig. Woohoo! I also have to buy an eyebrow pencil and false eyelashes. How exciting! Or I could just wear hats and scarves around my head... I don't know. Think I'll just do all three so I get variety... :-)
Anyway... By far the worst thing about all of it is that I can't do very much for the next 4-5 months. No job, nothing. Although I will get to do some sports and stuff, so I might just start climbing while I'm here and continue while I'm in Japan. Woohoo!
Oh, and I'm going to be silly now and tell you that the registrar who operated on me with Dr Davis, Dr Burton, is totally HOT! Phwoar! Don't worry, he's married so I'm still chanting my mantra: Boys are are biscuits and biscuits are evil.
Ok, so, I'm going to go now cos I'm hungry and can't eat my computer. :-)
March 11, 2006
I am FINE!
Hello y'all! I'm alright, really! I've been bombarded with phonecalls all week and now I'm bored of saying the same things. Ah well... Me and the Rose had a wee chat this afternoon about our respective laparotomies (is that the right spelling, medics?) and had a giggle. Although, since she had her surgery before I did, it's less sore for her to giggle, but that's ok. The day I stop giggling and smiling is the day the world ends, so beware! God has given you a clear signal to look out for! (I hope that isn't blasphemy... :-S)Anyways... I'm actually really at peace and just kinda happy. Well, and sore, but it's not intolerable. God prepared me by making me a woman - as in it's about as sore as period pain after the painkillers, so it's ok. Put up with that all the time. Hope no-one is embarrassed by that revelation, just a fact of my life right now. Hmmm hmmm hmmm....
I'm glad I get to see people soon. Woohoo! Marjorie comes to my house tonight! Yippee! I'm going to bake a cake, which I just found out today I can't eat, but tis ok. Other people can like Marji, my bro and Pete on tuesday. That's if there's any left, Pete... But it won't be my fault! Mwahahaha!
Well, I guess the painkillers are taking over my brain, so see you later!
Thanks for all the email and text hugs! Hopefully I'll be able to have real hugs soon. Yey!
Oh, and anyone recommend any recovery music? I'm sick of my mp3s and am thinking of purchasing itunes stuff. Suggestions?
Ok, I love you, b-bye!
March 06, 2006
News
As you may or may not have heard, I've been diagnosed with ovarian cancer. It was a germ cell tumour on my left ovary and at very early stages. Thank you for all those who were praying for me. You have no idea how much my family and I appreciate it. As you might have gathered, I'm home now but I'm in a lot of pain. What's keeping me going is the fact that it won't be as sore tomorrow.
Praise God for a doctor who cared! He treated me as if I was his own daughter. You male doctors: if you're thinking of being surgeons, remember to treat your patients like family. You've no idea how much it means to be treated like an important human being. Female ones: I'm assuming you find it easier to be nice, but try and make the effort all the same. You medics will make a world of difference to people one day. That's why I love people like Neal and Pete who are going to be doctors. I know your patients will be looked after as well as I have been. Praise God for doctors and nurses! And painkillers! :-)
I'm going to lie down now. Thanks again for praying! I find out the full report on my tumour - which by the way was the size of a rugby ball growing on my poor teeny ovary - on wednesday.
See ya pals!
Praise God for a doctor who cared! He treated me as if I was his own daughter. You male doctors: if you're thinking of being surgeons, remember to treat your patients like family. You've no idea how much it means to be treated like an important human being. Female ones: I'm assuming you find it easier to be nice, but try and make the effort all the same. You medics will make a world of difference to people one day. That's why I love people like Neal and Pete who are going to be doctors. I know your patients will be looked after as well as I have been. Praise God for doctors and nurses! And painkillers! :-)
I'm going to lie down now. Thanks again for praying! I find out the full report on my tumour - which by the way was the size of a rugby ball growing on my poor teeny ovary - on wednesday.
See ya pals!
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