I'd never really thought about it. I'm at peace about the cancer, surgery, chemo and also the hair/eyebrow loss. It's all ok. I don't feel brave, I don't feel wronged or sad or bitter. I think I got off pretty lightly. It wasn't terminal, I still have my womb and an ovary, stitches are healing quickly and really well, it was a really early stage of cancer and all I'll lose is my hair and possibly my eyebrows. I mean, I don't even have a weird shaped head, so I can probably pull off being bald! I feel humbled by it all. Other families have to suffer losing a family member. Other women suffer much worse than I ever will have to because it was caught so early. That's why I'm so fine about it. I've been blessed.
No one else with cancer has probably gottten off as lightly as I have. Once chemo is over, that's it! Do you know how overwhelming that is?! It's not enough that Jesus himself died for me, but no, when I suffer I get off lightly. I get the least. Also, I get surrounded by love and prayer. On every possible level I'm blessed and well looked after. Oh, I forgot to mention the fact that I got the best doctor in the field to operate on me (and he cared - I wasn't 'just another patient'), and two of the loveliest nurses I've ever met to care for me when I was feeling at my worst. And it's being taken care of so quickly! Some people have to wait for ages living in fear of it all eating away at their insides. How can I feel anything than good about it?! AND, my mum got a whole month off work so she could care for me. Is God in control or what?!?!
So what do I really feel? Overwhelmed, special, blessed, unworthy, humbled, scared and fed-up. The last because I like to be doing things and I can't just now, but God is just changing me from a Martha to a Mary. And scared because I know this means difficulty up ahead as God has a lot for me to do. But I guess it's because I don't feel ready just yet. No, not yet. But I will be, eh?
Hmmm... So this is how I really am. I really don't think I'm all that brave. I don't know how anyone who knew that God is in absolute control can feel anything but at peace. There's no way I could've coped if I didn't have God. I have GOD on my side people!!! Anything that happens is all his perfect and good will. I suppose I also feel reassured... Hmmm... So, I guess I've finally really answered Marji's question and possibly satisfied your curiosity. I really am ok with all this. It's not the drugs - they finished ages ago. :-D
I'll leave you with a couple of my favourite verses at the moment (from the Message):
12Friends, when life gets really difficult, don't jump to the conclusion that God isn't on the job. 13Instead, be glad that you are in the very thick of what Christ experienced. This is a spiritual refining process... - 1 Peter 4:12,13
Never again will there be any night. No one will need lamplight or sunlight. The shining of God, the Master, is all the light anyone needs. - Rev 22:5
PS: This pic is very representative of me right now. I know all of the above on the inside, but I'm still a sulky little girl on the outside... [giggles]
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