Merry Christmas

Hello! Merry Christmas! As much as I wish as the card the card states, I hope you entrust your hopes, dreams, ambitions, desires and future in general to God's care. I hope you will be blessed as I have been this year, though in a much nicer way than what happened to me of course...

I did something strange today - strange for the 'me' I've become anyway... I wanted to clear my inbox for my hotmail account, but while doing it, I stumbled upon quite a number of amazing emails, a lot of them from this year and about cancer and my gran's death, but a couple from a few years ago that I must have kept when I deleted my emails before. Ok, my point? I finally understood 'natsukashisa' [na-tsu-ka-she-sa], the Japanese term for nostalgia or a 'pleasant-sad feeling' (apparently a very valued emotion to have for a Japanese person). Hmmm... This is going to be hard for me to say quickly...

I don't know who reads my blog anymore, so I'm sorry for being too personal. I think, in fact, my blogs have not been very personal at all for a while so in a way I'm making up for it. Also, when my gran died, my granddad and uncle were left with regret because they never got to say the things they'd always wanted to say to my gran before she died. On that note, I wrote a few Christmas cards to the people I love most - or could honestly say I actually loved - and told them why they mean so much to me and thanked them for all they've done. (Am challenged by the fact I am to love EVERYONE and not the select few I've chosen...) Pfff!

Goodness! I'm just really overwhelmed! I have been so loved this year and I know that that isn't just because of the uniqueness of this year. It's been great to have care and affection demonstrated over the year in a way that couldn't have been possible without all the difficulty that I had to go through. And then to look back over the uni years and see that certain people have just ALWAYS been there! I have been continually blessed by these people in particular and all the people that God has put into my life. I owe a lot of where I am today spiritually and my knowledge of God and the Bible - both intellectually and emotionally - and who I've become to these people. As you already know, I love you and I'm more grateful than I could ever really tell you.

The other side to it is how much I've grown and the woman I have been becoming - since third year especially. Some of those emails had the email I'd sent attached and I was amazed at some of the things I'd said in them - in a good way, I mean. It turns out I wasn't quite as silly as I thought and that humbled me, because obviously it was God in me and not me in myself. I guess now I know why people have such a high opinion of me, though I still can't believe it. :-S

Ok, last of all and most importantly, God is good. There's no better day than today - except maybe Easter - to figure that out! I never knew it more certainly till this year, which is odd you might think since I had cancer and my grandmother died of a heart attack three days after my birthday. You want to know how? Here:
- the cancer was caught early
- I had THE best surgeon possible to operate on me
- he was the loveliest surgeon ever and actually CARED
- I didn't have to have a hysterectomy
- the cancer was completely removed during surgery
- chemo was precautionary
- I lost all my hair, but I actually suited being bald, I had a great wig and now I have an afro! (AMAZING!)
- my friends still bless me even with the memory of all their care over this year
- my gran became a Christian 3 hours before she died - quite possibly God kept her alive just long enough to come to Him
- my one ovary is working perfectly
- I learned so much about God in all the extra time I had this year and saw Him in a completely new way
- I was vulnerable and allowed myself to be so, which does mean I cry a lot more than I used to, but that's good because I'm more feminine and womanly, which I was struggling to let happen
- I love Him more than I did before and I know Him better

Those are the major ones that continue to overwhelm me. I'm so glad to have seen this today because I can thank God genuinely. All this good wouldn't have and couldn't have happened without Jesus coming and I'm glad I can thank Him wholeheartedly and attribute all the blessing I received to Him as He deserves. Praise God for His goodness!

One last thing - sorry for such a long post - I hope you get to know God as I have done over this year. I hope that it doesn;t have to be a critical illness or a death of a very special loved one for that to happen. May God bless you with a deeper knowledge of Him and His will for you! Praise Him for His goodness, mercy and love! AMEN.

God's Refreshment

This is LOVELY! So revealing of God's parental love toward us - toward me! Hoep it encourages you as it did me:

"The journey is too great for thee" (1 King 19:7).

And what did God do with His tired servant? Gave him something good to eat, and put him to sleep. Elijah had done splendid work, and had run alongside of the chariot in his excitement, and it had been too much for his physical strength, and the reaction had come on, and he was depressed. The physical needed to be cared for. What many people want is sleep, and the physical ailment attended to. There are grand men and women who get where Elijah was--under the juniper tree! and it comes very soothingly to such to hear the words of the Master: "The journey is too great for thee, and I am going to refresh you." Let us not confound physical weariness with spiritual weakness.

"I'm too tired to trust and too tired to pray,
Said one, as the over-taxed strength gave way.
The one conscious thought by my mind possessed,
Is, oh, could I just drop it all and rest.

"Will God forgive me, do you suppose,
If I go right to sleep as a baby goes,
Without an asking if I may,
Without ever trying to trust and pray?

"Will God forgive you? why think, dear heart,
When language to you was an unknown art,
Did a mother deny you needed rest,
Or refuse to pillow your head on her breast?

"Did she let you want when you could not ask?
Did she set her child an unequal task?
Or did she cradle you in her arms,
And then guard your slumber against alarms?

"Ah, how quick was her mother love to see,
The unconscious yearnings of infancy.
When you've grown too tired to trust and pray,
When over-wrought nature has quite given way:

"Then just drop it all, and give up to rest,
As you used to do on a mother's breast,
He knows all about it--the dear Lord knows,
So just go to sleep as a baby goes;

"Without even asking if you may,
God knows when His child is too tired to pray.
He judges not solely by uttered prayer,
He knows when the yearnings of love are there.

"He knows you do pray, He knows you do trust,
And He knows, too, the limits' of poor weak dust.
Oh, the wonderful sympathy of Christ,
For His chosen ones in that midnight tryst,

"When He bade them sleep and take their rest,
While on Him the guilt of the whole world pressed--
You've given your life up to Him to keep,
Then don't be afraid to go right to sleep."
- Mrs C E Cowman

Dare to Be Alone

Hmmm... I've never thought about this concept before. What do you think?

"Yet I am not alone, because the Father is with me" (John 16:32).

It need not be said that to carry out conviction into action is a costly sacrifice. It may make necessary renunciations and separations which leave one to feel a strange sense both of deprivation and loneliness. But he who will fly, as an eagle does, into the higher levels where cloudless day abides, and live in the sunshine of God, must be content to live a comparatively lonely life.

No bird is so solitary as the eagle. Eagles never fly in flocks; one, or at most two, ever being seen at once. But the life that is lived unto God, however it forfeits human companionships, knows Divine fellowship.

God seeks eagle-men. No man ever comes into a realization of the best things of God, who does not, upon the Godward side of his life, learn to walk alone with God. We find Abraham alone in Horeb upon the heights, but Lot, dwelling in Sodom. Moses, skilled in all the wisdom of Egypt must go forty years into the desert alone with God. Paul, who was filled with Greek learning and had also sat at the feet of Gamaliel, must go into Arabia and learn the desert life with God. Let God isolate us. I do not mean the isolation of a monastery. In this isolating experience He develops an independence of faith and life so that the soul needs no longer the constant help, prayer, faith or attention of his neighbor. Such assistance and inspiration from the other members are necessary and have their place in the Christian's development, but there comes a time when they act as a direct hindrance to the individual's faith and welfare. God knows how to change the circumstances in order to give us an isolating experience. We yield to God and He takes us through something, and when it is over, those about us, who are no less loved than before, are no longer depended upon. We realize that He has wrought some things in us, and that the wings of our souls have learned to beat the upper air.

We must dare to be alone. Jacob must be left alone if the Angel of God is to whisper in his ear the mystic name of Shiloh; Daniel must be left alone if he is to see celestial visions; John must be banished to Patmos if he is deeply to take and firmly to keep "the print of heaven." - Mrs C E Cowman

Call Back

How true it is that we can encourage each other with our testimonies!

"It shall turn to you for a testimony'' (Luke 21:13).

Life is a steep climb, and it does the heart good to have somebody "call back" and cheerily beckon us on up the high hill. We are all climbers together, and we must help one another. This mountain climbing is serious business, but glorious. It takes strength and steady step to find the summits. The outlook widens with the altitude. If anyone among us has found anything worth while, we ought to "call back."

If you have gone a little way ahead of me, call back--
'Twill cheer my heart and help my feet along the stony track;
And if, perchance, Faith's light is dim, because the oil is low,
Your call will guide my lagging course as wearily I go.

Call back, and tell me that He went with you into the storm;
Call back, and say He kept you when the forest's roots were torn;
That, when the heavens thunder and the earthquake shook the hill,
He bore you up and held you where the very air was still.

Oh, friend, call back, and tell me for I cannot see your face,
They say it glows with triumph, and your feet bound in the race;
But there are mists between us and my spirit eyes are dim,
And I cannot see the glory, though I long for word of Him.

But if you'll say He heard you when your prayer was but a cry,
And if you'll say He saw you through the night's sin-darkened sky
If you have gone a little way ahead, oh, friend, call back--
'Twill cheer my heart and help my feet along the stony track.
--Selected

OK Go are amazing!

Hello, hello! If anyone is in need of mindless entertainment that is more than mildly amusing, please watch Ok Go's videos for A Million Ways and Here It Goes Again. Hee hee hee! :-)

Trust and Rest

What great encouragement!

"Trust also in him" (Ps. 37:3).

The word trust is the heart word of faith. It is the Old Testament word, the word given to the early and infant stage of faith. The word faith expresses more the act of the will, the word belief the act of the mind or intellect, but trust is the language of the heart. The other has reference more to a truth believed or a thing expected.

Trust implies more than this, it sees and feels, and leans upon a person, a great, true, living heart of love. So let us "trust also in him," through all the delays, in spite of all the difficulties, in the face of all the denials, notwithstanding all the seemings, even when we cannot understand the way, and know not the issue; still "trust also in him, and he will bring it to pass." The way will open, the right issue will come, the end will be peace, the cloud will be lifted, and the light of an eternal noonday shall shine at last.

"Trust and rest when all around thee
Puts thy faith to sorest test;
Let no fear or foe confound thee,
Wait for God and trust and rest.

"Trust and rest with heart abiding,
Like a birdling in its nest,
Underneath His feathers hiding,
Fold thy wings and trust and rest."
- Mrs C E Cowman

When We're in the Dark

Here's some encouragement for you:

"I will give thee the treasures of darkness" (Isa. 45:3).

In the famous lace shops of Brussels, there are certain rooms devoted to the spinning of the finest and most delicate patterns. These rooms are altogether darkened, save for a light from one very small window, which falls directly upon the pattern. There is only one spinner in the room, and he sits where the narrow stream of light falls upon the threads of his weaving. "Thus," we are told by the guide, "do we secure our choicest products. Lace is always more delicately and beautifully woven when the worker himself is in the dark and only his pattern is in the light."

May it not be the same with us in our weaving? Sometimes it is very dark. We cannot understand what we are doing. We do not see the web we are weaving. We are not able to discover any beauty, any possible good in our experience. Yet if we are faithful and fail not and faint not, we shall some day know that the most exquisite work of all our life was done in those days when it was so dark.

If you are in the deep shadows because of some strange, mysterious providence, do not be afraid. Simply go on in faith and love, never doubting. God is watching, and He will bring good and beauty out of all your pain and tears. --J. R. Miller

Hello! Here's another good devotion. In suffering we are made into what we're supposed to be in His kingdom. Praise God!

"Perfect through suffering" (Heb. 2:10).

Steel is iron plus fire. Soil is rock, plus heat, or glacier crushing. Linen is flax plus the bath that cleans, the comb that separates, and the flail that pounds, and the shuttle that weaves. Human character must have a plus attached to it. The world does not forget great characters. But great characters are not made of luxuries, they are made by suffering.

I heard of a mother who brought into her home as a companion to her own son, a crippled boy who was also a hunchback. She had warned her boy to be very careful in his relations to him, and not to touch the sensitive part of his life but go right on playing with him as if he were an ordinary boy. She listened to her son as they were playing; and after a few minutes he said to his companion: "Do you know what you have got on your back?" The little hunchback was embarrassed, and he hesitated a moment. The boy said: "It is the box in which your wings are; and some day God is going to cut it open, and then you will fly away and be an angel."

Some day, God is going to reveal the fact to every Christian, that the very principles they now rebel against, have been the instruments which He used in perfecting their characters and moulding them into perfection, polished stones for His great building yonder. --Cortland Myers

Suffering is a wonderful fertilizer to the roots of character. The great object of this life is character. This is the only thing we can carry with us into eternity. . . . To gain the most of it and the best of it is the object of probation. --Austin Phelps

God's Best

Hello! On to more encouraging devotions. Isn't it amazingly horrible that we can actually limit God by our lack of faith?

"Take the arrows. . . . Smite upon the ground. And he smote twice and stayed. And the man of God was wroth with him, and said, Thou shouldest have smitten five or six times"

(2 Kings 13:18, 19).

How striking and eloquent the message of these words! Jehoash thought he had done very well when he duplicated and triplicated what to him was certainly an extraordinary act of faith. But the Lord and the prophet were bitterly disappointed because he had stopped half way.

He got something. He got much. He got exactly what he believed for in the final test, but he did not get all that the prophet meant and the Lord wanted to bestow. He missed much of the meaning of the promise and the fullness of the blessing. He got something better than the human, but he did not get God's best.

Beloved, how solemn is the application! How heartsearching the message of God to us! How important that we should learn to pray through! Shall we claim all the fullness of the promise and all the possibilities of believing prayer? --A. B. Simpson

"Unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think" (Eph. 3:20).

There is no other such piling up of words in Paul's writings as these, "exceeding abundantly above all," and each word is packed with infinite love and power to "do" for His praying saints. There is one limitation, "according to the power that worketh in us." He will do just as much for us as we let Him do in us. The power that saved us, washed us with His own blood, filled us with might by His Spirit, kept us in manifold temptations, will work for us, meeting every emergency, every crisis, every circumstance, and every adversary. --The Alliance

Rock Flowers

Hey! Thought it would be a good time to start sharing my devotions again. Here's a good one:

"Thou hast shewed thy people hard things" (Ps. 60:3).

I have always been glad that the Psalmist said to God that some things were hard. There is no mistake about it; there are hard things in life. Some beautiful pink flowers were given me this summer, and as I took them I said, "What are they?" And the answer came, "They are rock flowers; they grow and bloom only on rocks where you can see no soil." Then I thought of God's flowers growing in hard places; and I feel, somehow, that He may have a peculiar tenderness for His "rock flowers" that He may not have for His lilies and roses. --Margaret Bottome

The tests of life are to make, not break us. Trouble may demolish a man's business but build up his character. The blow at the outward man may be the greatest blessing to the inner man. If God, then, puts or permits anything hard in our lives, be sure that the real peril, the real trouble, is what we shall lose if we flinch or rebel. --Maltbie D. Babcock

"Heroes are forged on anvils hot with pain,
And splendid courage comes but with the test.
Some natures ripen and some natures bloom
Only on blood-wet soil, some souls prove great
Only in moments dark with death or doom."

I lost my mobile

Well, if you've already seen me since I got back from Malaysia, then this isn't news to you... I lost my UK mobile while out in Malaysia. If you got texts from me from out there it's because I was using my uncle's old handset with a Malaysian SIM. So... If you don't mind, please could you send me your mobile number? My number is still the same.

Thank you! :-)

I'm home

Hello! I'm back in Glasgow. I got back on Sunday. My mum is still in Malaysia so it's just my brother and I, which is already testing my patience, but that's nothing out of the ordinary. I lost my phone in in Malaysia and just got a new one, so my brother is slagging me off because I didn't go for a cooler phone like a N91 or N73. Well, I'm happy with it.

Rant over...

Woohoo! I'm going to see Casino Royale tonight! I'm still jet lagged, so I wonder if I'll fall asleep during the film... It might just be too action packed for me to do so... We'll see. :-)

Hair update

Hello! For anyone who's wondering, my hair has grown quite a bit since being in Malaysia. I think it's due to the humidity here... Anyway, it's still quite short - obviously - but I had my first haircut on Monday. It was the shortest haircut I remember, but I used to have short hair when I was younger - though it was longer than it is now - so I'm sure I've had plenty of short haircuts before...

Well, that's really it. Just a wee superficial, non-serious post since the last one was so sad. I'll be back in just over a week. See you then!

My gran

I'm sad to tell you that my gran passed away on Tuesday night. Her time of death was 11pm Malaysian time, so it would have between 4pm UK time. She died of a heart attack.

My gran had her first heart attack on Saturday around 12.30pm, as she was getting things ready for my birthday dinner. We didn’t know what was happening and we thought she had had an asthma attack as she was breathless, so we took her to the clinic (she has asthma and has had attacks before). The clinic was terrible. While I was there I kept thinking of how my medic friends would just be horrified with the staff, service, hygiene (lack of) and how they kept equipment. The receptionists had not conveyed the right symptoms to the doctor and so she couldn’t see him for another hour, even though she kept telling them she was in a lot of pain. They thought she was over-exaggerating and kept her waiting. Eventually, the doctor did and ECG and saw that she had had a heart attack and had to be taken to the hospital immediately.

It was her wish that my birthday was to be celebrated, so we did the best that we could and actually had a good time. The food was great and all my cousins provided our entertainment – they were all so cute. After the party, I got to go see my gran for the first time since she went into hospital. (The visiting hours are not as strict as in the UK.) She looked weak, fragile and very tired. She had had another minor heart attack since being in the hospital. Over the next three days, she began to improve very gradually each day so on Tuesday, the day she left us, she looked the best of all. She had stopped coughing and they had removed her oxygen mask. She was smiling and laughing and giving us orders, so when we left the hospital that evening, we were convinced that she would be out in the next couple of days.

At 10.30pm, my uncle received a call from the hospital saying that my gran was in a critical state and asked us to come to the hospital. By the time we got there, they were already trying to resuscitate her and ten minutes later, the doctor told us she had had another heart attack and could not be resuscitated. It was a shock to us all, as we’d only seen her 4 hours earlier and she was looking better than she had for the last four days. She was smiling and laughing. Appropriately, the last thing she said to me was goodbye, after I’d kissed her goodnight.

The funeral was on Friday. It was a Hindu ceremony and my mum and I had no opportunity to say that we didn’t want to participate because of our belief as Christians. A lot of the ceremony was just rituals that have been passed down from generation to generation. There was no time given to talk about how lovely and wonderful she was. No time for thanksgiving. And the crematorium was awful. It was very basic and nothing at all like the crematoriums in the UK. She was put into a giant, metal incinerator. None of the disappearing into the wall or the floor business you get in the UK.

My family are devastated. It was so shocking and unexpected. They keep looking at the negatives of it all. Yes, it is sad she died, but even at 64 she had lived a full life. She had traveled to India, China, Australia, the UK and France. She had seen her grandchildren grow up. She had touched so many lives and so many loved her. She was blessed and she didn’t suffer. It is especially sad that her birthday is on Sunday and she will not to celebrate. Neither can we because Hindu ritual says we are not to celebrate anything for a year. How sad. My gran would’ve wanted us to celebrate. My consolation is that she had said the sinner’s prayer twice – once on Sunday and once with me there on Monday. I know I’ll see her again one day.

If you’d like to pray for us, pray that my non-Christian family will be consoled. My mum’s Christian friends have shared with my family about Jesus and have been such a great help to my uncle and granddad. Pray also some, if not all, of what they’ve said has sunk in and will make sense one day. Pray also for all the decisions that have to be made about my gran’s things and what to do with my granddad and the house, as my gran and granddad lived there by themselves. Pray also that my mum will be comforted, as she is being brought down by all the negativity around us.

Thanks to all those who already knew and kept us in prayer. It was God’s time for her to go and there was nothing that we could do to stop it. Please continue to pray for us, especially my uncle, aunt, granddad and brother – they keep going over the ‘what ifs’ and we all know that that isn’t helpful. The next few weeks are going to be hard, but I’m glad that my last memory of her was of her smiling and laughing.

MONSTER post

Sorry I haven’t blogged in ages. I thought I would have been able to do it far more than I’ve been able to. It’s been so frustrating not having regular access to email and not being able to blog. I’m sorry I haven’t even let you know how my holiday with my dad went.

Well… First of all we went to Kuala Lumpur, the capital of Malaysia. My dad took me to an old colonial restaurant for a steak dinner on the first night. The food was nice and it was the first restaurant I’d been in where the staff were old men above 35. I’m sure you wouldn’t find that in the UK. The next day, my dad and I went to Bukit Tinggi where there was a Japanese garden and spa. The Botanic Garden was beautiful. I took quite a few pictures. Unfortunately, the rest of it of pretty disappointing. There was also a rabbit farm, but we were a little fed up, so we decided to go back to the apartment. On the way back, we stopped at Batu Caves where there is a Hindu temple in a cave. Beside the huge temple stands the tallest idol of Murugan in the world. Murugan is the head of all the Hindu idols. The temple in Batu Caves is special to Malaysian Hindus because all wishes or requests made to the idols there apparently come true. If that’s true, I find that very disturbing… That night we had dinner at my dad’s aunt’s place.

The next day, we headed up to Cameron Highlands. It is quite far north and was about a four drive from KL. On the way up, we passed through Ipoh where there were tons and tons of pamelos in every shop. Pamelos are like a giant grapefruits, but the fruit is sweet and not bitter. It’s got a very citrusy smell. I like it. Anyway… Cameron Highlands was lovely because all the scenery was beautiful and the weather was so much cooler. There were loads of strawberry farms, fruit orchards, vegetable farms and tea plantations. We got to pick some strawberries, but unfortunately couldn’t visit any of the plantations because one was closed because the CEO had passed away and the other because a machine a broken down. It was a little disappointing, but I still got to see what a tea plantation looked like, so I didn’t mind. Unfortunately for mw, we missed out on the honey farm and the butterfly farm because my dad didn’t know where they were. But if there’s a next time, I’ll know. :-)

The last place we visited was Langkawi Island. It is pretty much at the north most point on Malysia, just before the border with Thailand. There is a legend behind it, but my dad only gave me the vaguest version. If I can find it on the net, I’ll tell you about it. The island itself is beautiful! I didn’t get to do much because the historic sights were a very steep climb and my dad and only brought flip flops… Oops! I didn’t know I’d need proper shoes… I did get to go on the cable car. I had to go by myself because my dad and gran didn’t want to. It wasn’t scary until the cable car jolted a little and I realized just how far above the ground I was. :-) It was totally worth it though because I got to see pretty much the whole island. The sea is such a beautiful mix of blue and green. I also got to go to a lagoon on the north of the island, from which you can sea Thailand. I did a little paddling in the sea, but it was sooooo hot. If I got to go back, I’d like to go on the boat trips and visit the caves and surrounding islands. We were just there for a day, so we couldn’t go.

On the way back to JB (Johor Baru), we stayed at my aunt’s house just outside of KL. I haven’t seen her for 13 years! It was nice to see her again and see my cousins. They were just little kids when I left. We also visited my uncle. I was happiest to see him. I guess he must’ve been my favourite when I was little, I don’t know. I haven’t seen him for 13 years either. And his children have all grown up too. I have yet to see my aunt who lives in Bangkok, but unfortunately, I won’t have the opportuinity to go to Thailand after all. That’s ok. I have had such a hectic schedule already. I can always go there when I’m in Japan – at least, I hope so…

So there you have it – a MONSTER post! I’m sorry I haven’t been able to post any pictures. I probably won’t be able to until I get home. Sorry! I tried to post them on flicker the other day, but it just took so long! Well, see you in a couple of weeks. :-)

Grow in His Strength

I've just come back from holiday with my dad and his mum. The placest we went were lovely and I hope to post pictures of them on flicker by the end of the week. This devotion is good encouragement for me to remember that the difficulty I had with my dad was all part of Gods refining process. I hope it encourages you:

"As an eagle stirreth up her nest, fluttereth over her young, spreadeth abroad her wings, taketh them, beareth them on her wings: so the Lord alone did lead him, and there was no strange God with him" (Deut. 32:11, 12).

Our Almighty Parent delights to conduct the tender nestlings of His care to the very edge of the precipice, and even to thrust them off into the steeps of air, that they may learn their possession of unrealized power of flight, to be forever a luxury; and if, in the attempt, they be exposed to unwonted peril, He is prepared to swoop beneath them, and to bear them upward on His mighty pinions. When God brings any of His children into a position of unparalleled difficulty, they may always count upon Him to deliver them. --The Song of Victory

"When God puts a burden upon you He puts His own arm underneath."

There is a little plant, small and stunted, growing under the shade of a broad-spreading oak; and this little plant values the shade which covers it, and greatly does it esteem the quiet rest which its noble friend affords. But a blessing is designed for this little plant.

Once upon a time there comes along the woodman, and with his sharp axe he fells the oak. The plant weeps and cries, "My shelter is departed; every rough wind will blow upon me, and every storm will seek to uproot me!""No, no," saith the angel of that flower; "now will the sun get at thee; now will the shower fall on thee in more copious abundance than before; now thy stunted form shall spring up into loveliness, and thy flower, which could never have expanded itself to perfection shall now laugh in the sunshine, and men shall say, 'How greatly hath that plant increased! How glorious hath become its beauty, through the removal of that which was its shade and its delight!'

"See you not, then, that God may take away your comforts and your privileges, to make you the better Christians? Why, the Lord always trains His soldiers, not by letting them lie on feather-beds, but by turning them out, and using them to forced marches and hard service. He makes them ford through streams, and swim through rivers, and climb mountains, and walk many a long march with heavy knapsacks of sorrow on their backs. This is the way in which He makes them soldiers--not by dressing them up in fine uniforms, to swagger at the barrack gates, and to be fine gentlemen in the eyes of the loungers in the park. God knows that soldiers are only to be made in battle; they are not to be grown in peaceful times. We may grow the stuff of which soldiers are made; but warriors are really educated by the smell of powder, in the midst of whizzing bullets and roaring cannonades, not in soft and peaceful times. Well, Christian, may not this account for it all? Is not thy Lord bringing out thy graces and making them grow? Is He not developing in you the qualities of the soldier by throwing you into the heat of battle, and should you not use every appliance to come off conqueror? --Spurgeon.

Malaysia

I really should have done this before I did my little food guide and I really should’ve included some pictures, but my dad’s internet connection hasn’t been working properly so it’ll have to wait till Thursday when I’m back here. The internet people said that it’ll be back to normal after tomorrow.

Anyway… Friday was the first time I went into town. It was really bizarre because some of it was familiar, but a lot of it was totally different. Even the post office (there’s only one general post office) has changed. A lot of the city center reminded me of Hungary and looked a lot like some Eastern European city stuck in the 70s. It was really bizarre. So many things here are completely different from the way they were when I was last here 3 years ago, which is only to be expected, but it’s even less like the JB (Johor Baru) I remember. I guess, that’s good in a way because I don’t feel so bad about it not being like home anymore. It isn’t the home I remember as a child.

On Friday night, my dad took me shopping and bought me some sushi, but it gave me really bad food poisoning, so I spent most of time yesterday on the toilet and threw up 3 times. When we went to the 24-hour clinic, the doctor diagnosed it straight away, which was nice. I guess food poisoning is pretty standard, but after all the hoo-hah over the last year, it’s nice to go to a doctor the first time and have it diagnosed and sorted straight away. It’s also nice to have something wrong with me that has nothing to do with cancer. I can feel like an average person now. So after I threw up one last time and went to the toilet a couple more times, my stomach felt settled enough to take my medicine again (I threw up the medicine the first time I took it), and now I feel fine. Phew!

Oh, you know, I forgot to say a couple of weeks ago that I had a CT scan and a check-up before I left and everything was fine. They can see my ovary, which is good because it means it wasn’t destroyed by the chemotherapy and that it may work again one day – Dr Davis said maybe in a few more months. We’ll see. It’ll work when God wants it to. :-)

Food!

So, I decided I would do a little Malaysian food guide. I’ve picked 3 things for this week: Nasi Lemak, Pisang Goreng and Moon Cake.

Nasi Lemak (na-see luh-mak)
Nasi means rice and lemak means cream. It’s not rice pudding though. It’s usually served for breakfast, though you can have it at anytime of the day. It’s rice cooked in coconut milk, with a herb called pandan, served with sambal, cucumbers, fried peanuts and an egg. It’s very strange sounding, which is why I chose to talk about it. You have to mix it all together, except the cucumbers, with the rice before you eat it. The cucumbers are there to cool your mouth after eating the sambal, which is pretty much a sauce made primarily out of chilies in which you can add prawns, anchovies, cockles, cuttlefish, etc.. You can also have beef or mutton rendang (ren (like the end of ‘children’)-dung), which is meat cooked in a curry like sauce with coconut, but it doesn’t have much gravy. Unfortunately, I can’t tell you much about rendang and sambal because I don’t know what the other ingredients are. It isn’t one of my favourite meals, but it is an authentic Malaysian dish that looks a lot more appetizing than it sounds, but only if you like spicy food.

Pisang Goreng (pee-sung go-reng)
Pisang means banana and goreng means fried. It’s basically banana fritters, which are yummy. Here they’re served with soy sauce that has been mixed with chilli. Yup, Malaysians love chilli. Again, this is a lot nicer than it sounds. It’s yummy. We usually have it for afternoon tea. Well, not all the time as the fritters are deep-fried, but that’s the time we usually have it. They also have jack fruit and tapioca fritters, but I think those are best left to the Malaysians because if you’re not used to the taste, you really won’t like them. I like them though, but I am Malaysian…

Moon Cake
This is Chinese. It’s a cake made from lotus seed paste. There are three different colors of paste: red, white and green, each with different level of flavour. The red one is the most common. The Chinese like to have ones with egg yolk in them (as in the yolk of a boiled egg), but I like them plain. The texture of the paste is not one many people from the West would like as there’s really nothing like it there. I love it though and it’s my favourite Chinese sweet/dessert. The paste is covered with a very thin layer of Chinese pastry, which is quite dense. This is yummy and I love it!

That’s it for now!

When We Are Ready

Now here's a big challenge for those of us waiting for the fulfilment of a promise from God:

"Blessed are all they that wait for him" (Isa 30:18).

We hear a great deal about waiting on God. There is, however, another side. When we wait on God, He is waiting till we are ready; when we wait for God, we are waiting till He is ready.

There are some people who say, and many more who believe, that as soon as we meet all the conditions, God will answer our prayers. They say that God lives in an eternal now; with Him there is no past nor future; and that if we could fulfill all that He requires in the way of obedience to His will, immediately our needs would be supplied, our desires fulfilled, our prayers answered.

There is much truth in this belief, and yet it expresses only one side of the truth. While God lives in an eternal now, yet He works out His purposes in time. A petition presented before God is like a seed dropped in the ground. Forces above and beyond our control must work upon it, till the true fruition of the answer is given.--The Still Small Voice

I longed to walk along an easy road,
And leave behind the dull routine of home,
Thinking in other fields to serve my God;
But Jesus said, "My time has not yet come."

I longed to sow the seed in other soil,
To be unfettered in the work, and free,
To join with other laborers in their toil;
But Jesus said, "'Tis not My choice for thee."

I longed to leave the desert, and be led
To work where souls were sunk in sin and shame,
That I might win them; but the Master said,
"I have not called thee, publish here My name."

I longed to fight the battles of my King,
Lift high His standards in the thickest strife;
But my great Captain bade me wait and sing
Songs of His conquests in my quiet life.

I longed to leave the uncongenial sphere,
Where all alone I seemed to stand and wait,
To feel I had some human helper near,
But Jesus bade me guard one lonely gate.

I longed to leave the round of daily toil,
Where no one seemed to understand or care;
But Jesus said, "I choose for thee this soil,
That thou might'st raise for Me some blossoms rare."

And now I have no longing but to do
At home, or else afar, His blessed will,
To work amid the many or the few;
Thus, "choosing not to choose," my heart is still.
--Selected

"And Patience was willing to wait."--Pilgrim's Progress

Walk Without Strain

A little piece of encouragement for you this morning:

"And he saw them toiling in rowing" (Mark 6:48).

Straining, driving effort does not accomplish the work God gives man to do. Only God Himself, who always works without strain, and who never overworks, can do the work that He assigns to His children. When they restfully trust Him to do it, it will be well done and completely done. The way to let Him do His work through us is to partake of Christ so fully, by faith, that He more than fills our life.

A man who had learned this secret once said: "I came to Jesus and I drank, and I do not think that I shall ever be thirsty again. I have taken for my motto, 'Not overwork, but overflow'; and already it has made all the difference in my life."

There is no effort in overflow. It is quietly irresistible. It is the normal life of omnipotent and ceaseless accomplishment into which Christ invites us today and always.--Sunday School Times

Be all at rest, my soul, O blessed secret,
Of the true life that glorifies thy Lord:
Not always doth the busiest soul best serve Him,
But he that resteth on His faithful Word.
Be all at rest, let not your heart be rippled,
For tiny wavelets mar the image fair,
Which the still pool reflects of heaven's glory--
And thus the image He would have thee bear.

Be all at rest, my soul, for rest is service,
To the still heart God doth His secrets tell;
Thus shalt thou learn to wait, and watch, and labor,
Strengthened to bear, since Christ in thee doth dwell.
For what is service but the life of Jesus,
Lived through a vessel of earth's fragile clay,
Loving and giving and poured forth for others,
A living sacrifice from day to day.

Be all at rest, so shalt thou be an answer
To those who question, "Who is God and where?"
For God is rest, and where He dwells is stillness,
And they who dwell in Him, His rest shalt share.
And what shall meet the deep unrest around thee,
But the calm peace of God that filled His breast?
For still a living Voice calls to the weary,
From Him who said, "Come unto Me and rest."
--Freda Hanbury Allen

"In resurrection stillness there is resurrection power."

My new favourite song

So, I was just flicking through the music channels this afternoon and stopped on MTV2 cos there was this video about a whole load of people with headphones on. I stopped and listened and it was the LOVELIEST song I have ever heard!! So, if you want to have 3 minutes of loveliness, please watch this video of Bright Eyes, First Day of My Life. It totally reminded me of Joel and Heather. Lovely, lovely, loveliness!

On another note, if you're not into lovey-dovey songs, and want a little bit of randomness and share in some Steph-giggliness, watch Ok Go's A Million Ways. Hee hee!

The End of our Strength

How much am I looking for proof, when all I should do is look to God and see that He who has promised is faithful. These old devotions are the best!

"Blessed are they that have not seen, and yet have believed" (John 20:29).

How strong is the snare of the things that are seen, and how necessary for God to keep us in the things that axe unseen! If Peter is to walk on the water he must walk; if he is going to swim, he must swim, but he cannot do both. If the bird is going to fly it must keep away from fences and the trees, and trust to its buoyant wings. But if it tries to keep within easy reach of the ground, it will make poor work of flying.

God had to bring Abraham to the end of his own strength, and to let him see that in his own body he could do nothing. He had to consider his own body as good as dead, and then take God for the whole work; and when he looked away from himself, and trusted God alone, then he became fully persuaded that what He had promised, He was able to perform. That is what God is teaching us, and He has to keep away encouraging results until we learn to trust without them, and then He loves to make His Word real in fact as well as faith.--A. B. Simpson

I do not ask that He must prove
His Word is true to me,
And that before I can believe
He first must let me see.
It is enough for me to know
'Tis true because He says 'tis so;
On His unchanging Word I'll stand
And trust till I can understand.
--E. M. Winter

Time heals

You know, I've often wondered why I have been given all this time. I realised this week that only that my body needs to heal, but my heart needs to too. Yes, having had cancer is a traumatic and an emotionally draining experience, but I've had a lot of time to think about past hurts. No, I haven't been dwelling in them, but I have realised that no matter how far away these things are in regard to time, they are still very much close at hand. A lot of these things have remained hidden because, quite frankly, I haven't had the time to deal with them. This stuff happened, then it was my finals, then I had a summer job, then I had a job and Japanese lessons, then I had my course, then, well, I had cancer. And it was a good thing. I don't think I can deal with the hurt I faced during cancer quite yet. It's still too close and I really feel like, "Woah, that happened to me?!" If it weren't for the scars, I don't think I'd believe it.

You know, I've hidden so much of this stuff and God really wants them uncovered. I'm glad. I think going to Japan or anywhere else with these things still holding me down would have hindered my walk with God and my work for God. I was saying to Kirsty that I felt stupid for letting things that happened over a year ago still bug me, and yeah, maybe some of you are thinking, "Get over it!" Well, that's the point God's making too. I have to get over it, but the only way I can do it is to deal with these things I've been suppressing. I prayed about them ages ago, but I never dealt with them. I never really even thought I should, but He's made it very clear that it really is the time for me to forgive, forget and leave these things in the past. They didn't kill me, they just made me stronger.

I really don't know why I hide the truth from God. I even try to find things that are too difficult for God. I fail, of course. :-) Nothing's too hard for Him, except maybe evil. I'm sure He must look at me fondly and say, "You know I made you slow, but not THAT slow". Yup, He knows and it's time I deal with it. Time I just let go and see the truth. I think it's going to be a bumpy road, but man, it is so time to get over it and move on, move forward and leave it at God's feet. I really feel so privileged that God has given me this time to deal with the past. Really blessed. Best put it to use then, eh?

No Solution in Sight

This devotion is a big challenge to me. I know that God's plan and timing are perfect. I know that God always fulfils His promises, but if I can't see how He'll do it, I just assume that I heard wrong. I forget that when God says He'll do something it is as good as done. God says, "Is anything too hard for the Lord?" (Gen 18:14).

"He went out, not knowing whither he went" (Heb. 11:9).

It is faith without sight. When we can see, it is not faith, but reasoning. In crossing the Atlantic we observed this very principle of faith. We saw no path upon the sea, nor sign of the shore. And yet day by day we were marking our path upon the chart as exactly as if there had followed us a great chalk line upon the sea. And when we came within twenty miles of land, we knew where we were as exactly as if we had seen it all three thousand miles ahead.

How had we measured and marked our course? Day by day our captain had taken his instruments and, looking up to the sky, had fixed his course by the sun. He was sailing by the heavenly, not the earthly lights.

So faith looks up and sails on, by God's great Sun, not seeing one shore line or earthly lighthouse or path upon the way. Often its steps seem to lead into utter uncertainty, and even darkness and disaster; but He opens the way, and often makes such midnight hours the very gates of day. Let us go forth this day, not knowing, but trusting.--Days of Heaven upon Earth

"Too many of us want to see our way through before starting new enterprises. If we could and did, from whence would come the development of our Christian graces? Faith, hope and love cannot be plucked from trees, like ripe apples. After the words 'In the beginning' comes the word 'God'! The first step turns the key into God's power-house, and it is not only true that God helps those who help themselves, but He also helps those who cannot help themselves. You can depend upon Him every time."

"Waiting on God brings us to our journey's end quicker than our feet."

The opportunity is often lost by deliberation.

40 lengths = 1km

I discovered today that 40 lengths of the pool I've been swimming in is a kilometre today. I'm excited at the thought that I can swim a kilolmetre! I managed to get to 42 lengths last week, but I think that I'll just stick to 40 since 1km is a good distance. I think it's 60 or 65 lengths that make a mile, but that's a little to adventurous for me. It would take me like an hour and a half! I think I spend far too much time there as it is...

I'm still finding it incredibly difficult to motivate myself to spend time with God. Why is that? I can't quite work it out because it's God! Why is it easier to spend time with friends or family? Goodness, why is it easier to watch TV? Everything in the last few months especially was supposed to bring me closer to Him and yet I can't make myself go sit and be with Him. It's totally ridiculous. Once again I feel like adulterous Gomer from Hosea. Why can't God be enough? Is it because I don't really know Him?

And why was it easier to trust God about cancer, but not about my personal life? Is it because cancer was so big, I just had to hand it over to Him? I totally know that if I had been spending time with God as I should have, I probably wouldn't be anxious or worried about my future. A lot of it is that I just don't have that much to do. You can only iron so long and dishes don't take that long to wash... I can't wait to start my course again. It'll be so great having something to do. I'll probably moan then about not having enough time, but hey... I find being content in the circumstance I'm in difficult. I think my underlying issue is that I just don't trust God and that's because I just don't know Him and I can't get to know Him if i don't spend time with Him, so here we are back to my struggle. Man, I just need to get over myself and spend time with Him!

Hmmm...

Hi! I'm sorry I haven't blogged anything about me or anything recently. Mainly I've been lazy, but also, there's not very much news. I'm fine. My hair is growing back quite quickly and my energy levels are getting better, though I've totally tired myself out this week. Pfff! But I'm still going swimming today. I've managed to get up 42 lengths in 50 mins, which I'm quite proud of though my hips and knees feel like jelly after. My tickets for Malaysia arrived yesterday, so I'm really excited about that. My dad has already planned a week away to the north of Malaysia at the end of September and my gran has already planned my birthday. I don't know what else I have in store except for moon cakes during the moon cake festival and other yummy food that you can only get in Malaysia and Singapore. :-)

As for God and I, I've been able to pray, but I have trouble motivating myself to do a proper Bible study, which is really unlike me because I used to devour the Bible to try and find out everything it was trying to tell me, but I couldn't pray then. Now I can pray, but I can't study the Bible. To be honest, I'm not doing very much to resolve the situation. I need to wake up earlier. That'll be a big help, but most days, I feel like I've got nothing to wake up for, not in a depressed sort of way, just I don't have anything to do that can't be done in the afternoon or the evening. I am helping my mum with housework more, but even then, I only have chores like ironing or washing dishes. But I need to change that, because I'd have tons of time to pray for as long as I'd like and study the Bible. I really need to change this attitude of almost total apathy.

I still can't believe I survived cancer. I know it really wasn't as dramatic as that because I was never at a point where I could've died because of it, but in essence, that's what happened - I survived cancer. By the grace of God, it was at an early stage and the cancer was removed during the surgery. I still can't get my head round that. I'm a worthless sinner like everyone else, so why was He so kind to me? Chemotherapy was horrible and recovering from surgery was annoying, but really, it wasn't all that bad. What did I lose - time, an ovary, my hair? All of that is God given anyway, so none of it was mine. God decided that I had that time to lose, my hair would grow back and now if I ever have chidren, they'll be even more special than to a woman with both ovaries. I am sooo not getting an epidural though because the issues after one are just not worth it!

I'll be glad to get out of Glasgow. I think it'll put everything in perspective, but still, it's too close to see how God and I have grown closer together. I want to say I love Him, but I know a lot of my life doesn't reflect that. I know He's working on it though, and that's enough.

A Simple Prayer

What an encouragement! Take God at His word:

"I believe God, that it shall be even as it was told me" (Acts 27:25).

I went to America some years ago with the captain of a steamer, who was a very devoted Christian. When off the coast of Newfoundland he said to me, "The last time I crossed here, five weeks ago, something happened which revolutionized the whole of my Christian life. We had George Mueller of Bristol on board. I had been on the bridge twenty-four hours and never left it. George Mueller came to me, and said, "Captain I have come to tell you that I must be in Quebec Saturday afternoon." "It is impossible," I said. "Very well, if your ship cannot take me, God will find some other way. I have never broken an engagement for fifty-seven years. Let us go down into the chart-room and pray."

I looked at that man of God, and thought to myself, what lunatic asylum can that man have come from? I never heard of such a thing as this. "Mr. Mueller," I said, "do you know how dense this fog is?" "No," he replied, "my eye is not on the density of the fog, but on the living God, who controls every circumstance of my life."

He knelt down and prayed one of the most simple prayers, and when he had finished I was going to pray; but he put his hand on my shoulder, and told me not to pray. "First, you do not believe He will answer; and second I BELIEVE HE HAS, and there is no need whatever for you to pray about it."

I looked at him, and he said, "Captain, I have known my Lord for fifty-seven years, and there has never been a single day that I have failed to get audience with the King. Get up, Captain and open the door, and you will find the fog gone." I got up, and the fog was indeed gone. On Saturday afternoon, George Mueller was in Quebec for his engagement.--Selected

"If our love were but more simple,
We should take Him at His word;
And our lives would be all sunshine,
In the sweetness of our Lord."

Sunrise is an act of God

Here's a wee devotion to remind us all that God is control of the world at every level. :-) (NB This is my 100th post!!)

Sunrise is an Act of God
By Elisabeth Elliot
Taken From: A Lamp For My Feet

The night sky, when I went to the front window this morning, was a clear dark blue, with a few sharp stars. Now, as it reddens toward dawn, a thick quilt of slate-colored cloud is moving over the whole sky, leaving only a strip of rose gold. But I am sure the sun will rise even though covered with a quilt.

We assume the sun will always rise. It always has. But it rises because God continues to will it so, not because it must in and of itself. I breathe, not because I am a smoothly functioning breathing machine, but because He who holds my breath in his hand wills me to breathe, as He wills the squirrel to breathe in the oak grove beside my house and the crow that perches in the scrub pine.

The will of God is not a given quantity. It is creative, dynamic, flowing action. Jesus participated in that action by submitting to the Will and moving with power along the "appointed way," according to the "appointed time," choosing the Father's will above his own.

The sun does no choosing. God chooses--every morning so far--to make it rise. Yet the Lord of the universe asks me to choose to follow Him--to participate, as Christ did, in the flowing action which is his ill. "Dwell in my love. If you heed my commands, you will dwell in my love, as I have heeded my Father's commands and dwell in His love" (Jn 15:10 NEB).

CELTA

Woohoo! I just found out that I'm definitely starting my course again in January! Yey! I do still have a fee of £700 to pay, so if you could pray it would be provided, that'll be much appreciated. But I know God will provide because He always does and He did last time.

Thanks!

You Can Trust

This is something we all need to reminded of. We can trust God for everything, but we always lose our focus and forget! Hope this encourages you today!

"Surrender your very selves to God as living men who have risen from the dead" (Romans 6:13). (Weymouth)

I went one night to hear an address on consecration. No special message came to me from it, but as the speaker kneeled to pray, he dropped this sentence: "O Lord, Thou knowest we can trust the Man that died for us." And that was my message. I rose and walked down the street to the train; and as I walked, I pondered deeply all that consecration might mean to my life and--I was afraid. And then, above the noise and clatter of the street traffic came to me the message: "You can trust the Man that died for you."

I got into the train to ride homeward; and as I rode, I thought of the changes, the sacrifices, the disappointments which consecration might mean to me and--I was afraid.

I reached home and sought my room, and there upon my knees I saw my past life. I had been a Christian, an officer in the church, a Sunday-school superintendent, but had never definitely yielded my life to God.

Yet as I thought of the darling plans which might be baffled, of the cherished hopes to be surrendered, and the chosen profession which I might be called upon to abandoned--I was afraid.

I did not see the better things God had for me, so my soul was shrinking back; and then for the last time, with a swift rush of convicting power, came to my innermost heart that searching message:

"My child, you can trust the Man that died for you. If you cannot trust Him whom can you trust?"

That settled it for me, for in a flash I saw that the Man who so loved me as to die for me could be absolutely trusted with all the concerns of the life He had saved.

Friend, you can trust the Man that died for you. You can trust Him to baffle no plan which is not best to be foiled, and to carry out every one which is for God's glory and your highest good. You can trust Him to lead you in the path which is the very best in this world for you.--J H. McC

"Just as I am, thy love unknown,
Has broken every barrier down,
Now to be Thine, yea, Thine ALONE,
O Lamb of God, I come!"

Love

Well, I've been pondering it over the last couple of days especially because of all the weddings and new and budding relationships. Christian weddings are so lovely because it's real. The couple mean their vows and know exactly what they're going into. They also have God in the centre of it and it is their love for God that keeps them together. But I haven't just been thinking about romantic love, but love in a lot of senses. Love in its wider sense has been on and off my mind for the last few years at uni, but especially since going to the Thursday night Bible study a couple of weeks ago when Matt was talking about 1 Peter 4:7-11. The verse that stuck in my mind was verse 8, "Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers a multitude of sins." I know from all the married ladies I know that deeply as they love their husbands, sometimes it's hard to put this command into practice, but we're to love everyone! Not just our spouses, friends or families. Goodness!

Anyway... It is a difficult and challenging subject, so I looked at what God says, starting of course with 1 Corinthians 13:4-8a: "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."

Romans 13:8-10: "Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for he who loves his fellow man has fulfilled the law. The commandments, 'Do not commit adultery', 'Do not murder', 'Do not steal', 'Do not covet', and whatever other commandment there may be, are summed up in this one rule: 'Love your neighbour as yourself'. Love does no harm to its neighbour. Therefore love is the fulfilment of the law."

1 John 4:16-21: "And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. In this way, love is made complete among us so that we may have confidence on the day of judgement, because in this world we are like him. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. We love because he first loved us. If anyone says, 'I love God', yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen. And he has given us this command: Whoever loves God must also love his brother."

John 13:35, 36: "A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another."

John 14:15; 21: "If you love me, you will obey what I command.... Whoever has my commands and obeys them, he is the one who loves me. He who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I too will love him and show myself to him."

And, in relation to romantic love, this challenges me most as I seek to trust God about my future: Song of Songs 2:7, "Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you by the gazelles and the does of the field: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires."

Of course, the Bible says TONS more about love, but I haven't looked at all of it and certainly, each passage needs a lot of pondering by itself and would be too much for a blog entry. Goodness! It is all too much! What a gift, but how I abuse it. As the passage in Romans states, it's loving genuinely that enables us to fulfil the law. My conclusion is I should pray and ask God to help me love people because I can't even love those close me the way I'm supposed to. Until then, I have a lot more pondering to do....

Swimming and Old Men

So, as many of you know, I have a new hobby - swimming. I've really enjoyed it and would like to go everyday, but for some reason or other haven't managed more than 3 days a week, which I know is good in itself. Anyway, I couldn't help remarking to myself that I always seem in some way or another to annoy the old men that almost certainly share the slow lane with me. I'm not entirely sure why. Maybe it's because I swim faster than them? Or maybe they can't work out why a young person is in the same lane as them? And as for the Asian old men, I think they're just bewildered by me, a bald, Asian, young woman. I don't think there are many of us, if any - other than me, of course. I am still amused though that everytime I've gone swimming, I've annoyed or bewildered at least one old man. And to be honest, they're sometimes the ones at fault...

As for the old women that end up in that lane, they are no trouble at all. They don't seem to bat an eyelid about me. But then, there are hardly ever women in my lane. I think I remember 3 that stayed there the whole time. Most of them move. Mainly because of the Asian old men; they tend to hog the lane a little and most of time they don't swim, but rather gather at one end or the other - the deep end is their favourite - and talk. I just stay cos I'm stubborn, and it's also easier to swim multiple lengths when it's continuous - for me, at least.

Anyway, if all is well, I shall go tomorrow morning as well. Who knows who I'll annoy tomorrow?

Oh, I had my first check up since chemo yeaterday. Everything was fine. They did a blood test, but I expect that I won't get any results unless it's bad news. I found out that there's an 80% chance that the cancer will re-occur within the first year after chemo, if it is going to re-occur at all. That's why they want to see me every month, so they can catch it early. After the first year, there's an 85% chance that it won't come back at all. Oh, and I think this is just true for the type of tumour I had - the germ cell tumour. So, there you go. Let's see what this year brings. I suppose chemo won't be as long as before this next time, but it'll be so annoying to put off Japan again and have nothing to do. Ah well... You have to do what God wants. Anyway... I'll cross that bridge if I come to it. :-)

God is Not Unobservant

This is something that we all need to remember in times of difficulty:

"I will be still, and I will behold in my dwelling place" (Isa. 18:4, RV).

Assyria was marching against Ethiopia, the people of which are described as tall and smooth. And as the armies advance, God makes no effort to arrest them; it seems as though they will be allowed to work their will. He is still watching them from His dwelling place, the sun still shines on them; but before the harvest, the whole of the proud army of Assyria is smitten as easily as when sprigs are cut off by the pruning hook of the husbandman.

Is not this a marvelous conception of God--being still and watching? His stillness is not acquiescence. His silence is not consent. He is only biding His time, and will arise, in the most opportune moment, and when the designs of the wicked seem on the point of success, to overwhelm them with disaster. As we look out on the evil of the world; as we think of the apparent success of wrong-doing; as we wince beneath the oppression of those that hate us, let us remember these marvelous words about God being still and beholding.

There is another side to this. Jesus beheld His disciples toiling at the oars through the stormy night; and watched though unseen, the successive steps of the anguish of Bethany, when Lazarus slowly passed through the stages of mortal sickness, until he succumbed and was borne to the rocky tomb. But He was only waiting the moment when He could interpose most effectually. Is He still to thee? He is not unobservant; He is beholding all things; He has His finger on thy pulse, keenly sensitive to all its fluctuations. He will come to save thee when the precise moment has arrived. --Daily Devotional Commentary

Whatever His questions or His reticences, we may be absolutely sure of an unperplexed and undismayed Saviour.

"O troubled soul, beneath the rod,
Thy Father speaks, be still, be still;
Learn to be silent unto God,
And let Him mould thee to His will.

"O praying soul, be still, be still,
He cannot break His plighted Word;
Sink down into His blessed will,
And wait in patience on the Lord.

"O waiting soul, be still, be strong,
And though He tarry, trust and wait;
Doubt not, He will not wait too long,
Fear not, He will not come too late."
- Mrs Cowman

April to June

Here endeth the saga:

Ok, I’ve been avoiding writing about chemotherapy because, frankly, I didn’t like it. I didn’t particularly like surgery and recovering from it, but chemotherapy was just awful – especially the first time.

Well, so at the end of March, I went back to Ward 24 to see Dr Davis and Sister Bredin to find out the results from pathology about my tumour/cyst/teratoma. They said it was malignant, but that it was at an early stage just turning into the middle stage and that they were relieved that it hadn’t yet developed brain tissue. This is my favourite part of the whole saga – brain tissue in my teratoma. Beautiful! It is both fascinating and utterly disgusting at the same time. Anyway, Sister Bredin told me which drugs I would have for chemotherapy and said it would just be a day patient at Ward 4C at Gartnavel and I would have 4 treatments spread over 12 weeks. But when I finally met Dr Reed, I found it was not quite the case. Dr Reed said that I’d be going to the Beatson at the Western and be admitted 3-4 days at a time and then have to go to Ward 4C the two following Mondays to get a booster injection of Bleomycin. I was a little disappointed, but when he said that young women around my age "sail through chemotherapy", I was appeased.

So, as you know, chemotherapy started on 10 April and on the 8th, I had shaved my head. It was all ok until the Bleomycin was put in. Yuck! I had really weird diarrhoea. Not nice! And then I had that weird, horrible 24-hour stomach bug the weekend after that made me throw up what smelled like poo. Even better! And then, when I was in Ward 4C, I nearly passed out and threw up again before my injection. Chemotherapy just did not start off very well at all. The second treatment was fine. I don’t really remember much about it. It was the third one that was awful and I won’t talk about it because I’ve already written about it in great detail. I’m very thankful it was my last.

Well, I am amused that throughout my treatment I lived up to the name of Peer, as I filled many a shell of my urine, which they needed to measure to monitor my kidney function, as Cisplatin could have damaged my kidneys. As you may have gathered, my kidneys were absolutely fine. Also, I was amused that nothing at all was private in the ward (not even your bowel function), and once I’d lost my hair, a couple of old ladies mistook me for a man in the ladies’ toilet. Lovely! And, I was amused at my crazy appetite throughout treatment, which gave me the hunger of ten men for three or four days after coming out of the Beatson.

As for God and I, we suffered a bit throughout this time. I always picked up with my Bible study and quiet times by the time I was to be re-admitted into Ward F3, but then it suffered again. Time and again, I’ve heard people tell me not to be too hard on myself since chemotherapy was pretty harsh and tired me out so much. Ok, I accept that and I’m very thankful that people prayed for me when I couldn’t pray for myself. Thank you.

Now, when I look back, I think God was quiet because He wanted me to trust Him. He’d already been so good to me throughout surgery and recovery, but now He was silent and seemed to have drawn away, but as I can see now, He was always there. He just wanted to see if I trusted Him. I think I did most of the time, though sometimes I was moody and grumpy about chemotherapy. The whole thing was a lesson of trust and to show me that when I had Him, I didn’t need to be afraid of anything. Not even cancer! To be honest, I am still learning this lesson as I said a couple of posts ago. It is a difficult one and one I will probably always be learning. But also there are probably a lot of things about these last 6 months that I won’t see till later on as I’m still too close to it all. But like all the difficult times I’ve had, I’ll look back at it and be grateful because it made me a stronger woman and brought me closer to God. So I’ll praise God in advance for bringing me closer to the woman He wants me to be. Amen.

Hair update

Woohoo! I have hair! It's really fine and soft like a baby's and it's not really all that long, but it's there. Yey!

Elijah Watched and Waited

Woo! This is exactly what I was on about a couple of days ago! Well, not 'exactly', but of the same line of thought...

"It came to pass after a while, that the brook dried up, because there had been no rain in the land" (1 Kings 17:7).

Week after week, with unfaltering and steadfast spirit, Elijah watched that dwindling brook; often tempted to stagger through unbelief, but refusing to allow his circumstances to come between himself and God. Unbelief sees God through circumstances, as we sometimes see the sun shorn of his rays through smoky air; but faith puts God between itself and circumstances, and looks at them through Him. And so the dwindling brook became a silver thread; and the silver thread stood presently in pools at the foot of the largest boulders; and the pools shrank. The birds fled; the wild creatures of field and forest came no more to drink; the brook was dry. Only then to his patient and unwavering spirit, "the word of the Lord came, saying, Arise, get thee to Zarephath."

Most of us would have gotten anxious and worn with planning long before that. We should have ceased our songs as soon as the streamlet caroled less musically over its rocky bed; and with harps swinging on the willows, we should have paced to and fro upon the withering grass, lost in pensive thought. And probably, long ere the brook was dry, we should have devised some plan, and asking God's blessing on it, would have started off elsewhere.

God often does extricate us, because His mercy endureth forever; but if we had only waited first to see the unfolding of His plans, we should never have found ourselves landed in such an inextricable labyrinth; and we should never have been compelled to retrace our steps with so many tears of shame. Wait, patiently wait! --F. B. Meyer

Fear, Lack of Trust and Impatience

3 statements that describe me very well just at this moment in time. Actually, to be honest, more like the last few weeks. Yup, it's just like me to be scared now that I'm cured of cancer, but during that whole saga, I was fine. Typical!

I used to get so annoyed at the Israelites for forgetting what God had done for them and going back to their old habits. God's just been so absolutely brilliant to me and cured me of cancer for goodness sake! And I had a surgeon and an oncologist who were at the top of their field to take care of me. God provided the best! And now I'm scared about evangelism, Malaysia, witnessing to my family, Japan, marriage, and losing all my friends. How ridiculous! Am I so stupid and do I know God so little as to presume that that is it? That He is no longer going to be good to me or protect me or watch over me just because he cured me of cancer? "C'mon Steph. You know Him better than that!"

Since the Bible study on Abigail (I did that at the ladies' bible two weeks ago), God has shown me at least one thing I have been either afraid of or anxious about every day. These things are things I haven't given over to God because I must have a part of my brain that forgets that God's plan is perfect and so is His timing. I don't seem to be able to remember 24 hours a day that God is good and He only has the best for me. He really has been asking me to fear only Him, to trust wholly and wholeheartedly in Him alone and to be patient for His timing.

What I don't understand is that it's difficult to trust God and be patient. Intellectually, knowing what I know about God, I know it is best. I should consider all things a loss in comparison to knowing Jesus as Paul says in Philippians, but I don't. It's utterly ridiculous! But I'm praying about it and it's something I will have to give over to God every day. You'd think that leaving something in the Lord's hands would be easy, but somehow I'd rather keep it and work it out for myself. I'd save myself so much heartache if only I'd just trust Him and be patient.

Polish Comes Through Trouble

Something my devotional to encourage you:

"He hath made me a polished shaft" (Isa. 49:2).

There is a very famous "Pebble Beach" at Pescadero, on the California coast. The long line of white surf comes up with its everlasting roar, and rattles and thunders among the stones on the shore. They are caught in the arms of the pitiless waves, and tossed and rolled, and rubbed together, and ground against the sharp-grained cliffs. Day and night forever the ceaseless attrition goes on--never any rest. And the result?

Tourists from all the world flock thither to gather the round and beautiful stones. They are laid up in cabinets; they ornament the parlor mantels. But go yonder, around the point of the cliff that breaks off the force of the sea; and up in that quiet cove, sheltered from the storms, and lying ever in the sun, you shall find abundance of pebbles that have never been chosen by the traveler.

Why are these left all the years through unsought? For the simple reason that they have escaped all the turmoil and attrition of the waves, and the quiet and peace have left them as they found them, rough and angular and devoid of beauty. Polish comes through trouble.

Since God knows what niche we are to fill, let us trust Him to shape us to it. Since He knows what work we are to do, let us trust Him to drill us to the proper preparation.

"O blows that smite! O hurts that pierce
This shrinking heart of mine!
What are ye but the Master's tools
Forming a work Divine?"

"Nearly all God's jewels are crystallized tears."

Some verses

I know, O Lord, that a man's life is not his own; it is not for man to direct his steps. - Jer 10:23

In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps. - Prov 16:9

If you do not stand firm in your faith, you will not stand at all. - Isa 7:9b

For this God is our God for ever and ever; he will be our guide even to the end. - Psa 48:14

Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I shall not be shaken. My salvation and my honour depend on my God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge. Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge. - Psa 62:5-8

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion for ever. - Psa 73:26

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." - Jer 29:11

I am the Lord, the God of all mankind. Is anything too hard for me? - Jer 32:27

For nothing is impossible with God. - Luke 1:37

Blessed is she who has believed that what the Lord has said to her will be accomplished. - Luke 1:45

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. - Roms 8:28

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. - 2 Cor 1:3,4

March

March began with admission into Ward 24 to prepare for surgery. I remember feeling ready for it. The only thing that was a bother that first day was the SHO that was trying to get blood. She stuck so many needles into my arm and didn't seem to get into any veins. Little did I know that she was just preparing me for the 3 months worth of needles being stuck into my body. Though it bothered and annoyed me at the time, it really wasn't all that bad. Also, what's funny is that at the end of my treatment, the nurse at the practice found it difficult to get blood too. :-)

Yup, it all seemed ok in my heart. The only thing that scared me a little was the prospect of the epidural. It sounded really painful, but it was only the local anaesthetic that hurt - obviously! Yeah, so when Dr Davis came and said that from the blood tests it was definitely cancer but he wasn't sure which kind, I was at peace; God had already told me. I kept wondering about the hysterectomy, but to be honest, it hardly bothered me at all. God had filled me with peace. I didn't know what the outcome would be, but I just knew it would all be for good and at that time, it was enough.

So, the next day was the surgery and the first thing I remember thinking after was, "Oh no! The anaesthetic didn't work!" But then I saw the clock and realised I was in the same room I was in when they prepped me for surgery and I also saw that it had been only 2 hours after I'd gone in. (Dr Davis said it would only take 2 hours if they didn't have to do a hysterectomy.) I was like, "No way!" and couldn't believe my 'luck' and so I turned to the nurse beside me and asked her, "Did I have a hysterectomy?" and I think I was as happy as I could be in the state I was in when she said, "No". Praise God! And my mum said Dr Davis was so pleased to tell her that he didn't have to do it; he seemed more pleased about that than the fact that he'd removed the cancer! How lovely!

Well, after that, I did quite well actually. I came out of hospital a day before expected, but I was a bad patient. I just did not know the concept of rest and taking it easy. I am still finding that difficult! I told Dr Burton a couple of weeks later that I looked so well because I refused to be unwell anymore. It was my sheer stubbornness, but thankfully God is bigger than my stubbornness so He has had His way occassionally. :-D Yeah, my wound healed really well and I could walk without much difficulty after a couple of weeks, though it took a while before I could cough and sneeze without it hurting. And it hurt to laugh and giggle, which everyone knows I do nearly all the time, so that was annoying, but I still did it anyway. It was, however, quite difficult to get my head focussed and I think I spent most of the month just watching TV. I also had random bowel issues, It wasn't until the end of the month when I started doing my quiet times again. It has been a struggle throughout because of my lack of routine and feeling unwell, but I guess it always is whether you're ill or not...

March was kinda a blur because I spent most of it sleeping and watching TV. What I remember most is feeling overwhelmingly blessed - because of what had happened, the cancer being so early, the fact I didn't have to have a hysterectomy, and because so many people loved me and were praying for me. That's been the biggest blessing - all the prayers I've been soaked in and being loved.

What I learned after surgery was to let myself feel weak and vulnerable and to learn to rely on other people. I have always been so stubborn and never asked for help until I was nearly overwhelmed by something. I guess I was proud too and tried to be sulf-sufficient and independent, but never managing to because I don't think I'm supposed to be. It has been such a valuable lesson to have the grace to admit that I'm weak and finding things difficult and also being able to receive help and to take people up on their offers of help. Yup, the biggest lesson I learned during March was that it was ok to be weak, vulnerable and need people, and that you could do that without being needy.

I also learned not to be so self-conscious about myself. I used to worry so much about my appearence and about what people think about me, but that really doesn't bother me anymore. I think having to be naked in front of complete strangers and needing them to help me bathe would do that. (Also being at the Beatson and having to be sick, pee in a shell and constantly having to excuse myself to people who visited to go pee or when I had diarrheoa, also losing my hair, not wearing make-up all the time and having to see people when I felt disgusting or sick.) I really learned to get over myself, which is a nice thing. I'm sure I have some other areas in which I have to get over myself, but they'll get dealt with in time...

I think that's all I can remember about March. I'm wondering whether I saw Dr Reed at the end of March or the beginning of April? I can't remember, but I'll cover that when I do April because it signifies the beginning of chemo too.

The Answer is God

Woah! This is some challenging stuff. Something we all need to hear at various points in our life:

"For what if some did not believe? shall their unbelief make the faith of God without effect?" (Rom. 3:3).

I think that I can trace every scrap of sorrow in my life to simple unbelief. How could I be anything but quite happy if I believed always that all the past is forgiven, and all the present furnished with power, and all the future bright with hope because of the same abiding facts which do not change with my mood, do not stumble because I totter and stagger at the promise through unbelief, but stand firm and clear with their peaks of pearl cleaving the air of Eternity, and the bases of their hills rooted unfathomably in the Rock of God. Mont Blanc does not become a phantom or a mist because a climber grows dizzy on its side. --James Smetham

Is it any wonder that, when we stagger at any promise of God through unbelief, we do not receive it? Not that faith merits an answer, or in any way earns it, or works it out; but God has made believing a condition of receiving, and the Giver has a sovereign right to choose His own terms of gift. --Rev. Samuel Hart

Unbelief says, "How can such and such things be?" It is full of "hows"; but faith has one great answer to the ten thousand "hows," and that answer is--GOD! --C. H. M.

No praying man or woman accomplishes so much with so little expenditure of time as when he or she is praying.

If there should arise, it has been said--and the words are surely true to the thought of our Lord Jesus Christ in all His teaching on prayer--if there should arise ONE UTTERLY BELIEVING MAN, the history of the world might be changed.

Will YOU not be that one in the providence and guidance of God our Father? --A. E. McAdam

Prayer without faith degenerates into objectless routine, or soulless hypocrisy. Prayer with faith brings Omnipotence to back our petitions. Better not pray unless and until your whole being responds to the efficacy of your supplication. When the true prayer is breathed, earth and heaven, the past and the future, say Amen. And Christ prayed such prayers. --P. C. M.

"Nothing lies beyond the reach of prayer except that which lies outside the will of God."

Don't Look at th Waves

Good encouragement for today:

"When Peter was come down out of the ship, he walked on the water, to go to Jesus. But when he saw the wind boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink, he cried, saying, Lord, save me" (Matt. 14:29-30).

Peter had a little faith in the midst of his doubts, says Bunyan; and so with crying and coming he was brought to Christ.

But here you see that sight was a hindrance; the waves were none of his business when once he had set out; all Peter had any concern with, was the pathway of light that came gleaming across the darkness from where Christ stood. If it was tenfold Egypt beyond that, Peter had no call to look and see.

When the Lord shall call to you over the waters, "Come," step gladly forth. Look not for a moment away from Him.

Not by measuring the waves can you prevail; not by gauging the wind will you grow strong; to scan the danger may be to fall before it; to pause at the difficulties, is to have them break above your head. Lift up your eyes unto the hills, and go forward--there is no other way. (Author unknown)

Placed for a Purpose

Another encouraging devotion:

"It was noised that he was in the house" (Mark 2:1).

The polyps which construct the coral reefs, work away under water, never dreaming that they are building the foundation of a new island on which, by-and-by, plants and animals will live and children of God be born and fitted for eternal glory as joint-heirs of Christ.

If your place in God's ranks is a hidden and secluded one, beloved, do not murmur, do not complain, do not seek to get out of God's will, if He has placed you there; for without the polyps, the coral reefs would never be built, and God needs some who are willing to be spiritual polyps, and work away out of sight of men, but sustained by the Holy Ghost and in full view of Heaven.

The day will come when Jesus will give the rewards, and He makes no mistakes, although some people may wonder how you came to merit such a reward, as they had never heard of you before. --Selected

Just where you stand in the conflict,
There is your place.
Just where you think you are useless,
Hide not your face.
God placed you there for a purpose,
Whate'er it be;
Think He has chosen you for it;
Work loyally.
Gird on your armor! Be faithful
At toil or rest!
Whate'er it be, never doubting
God's way is best.
Out in the fight or on picket,
Stand firm and true;
This is the work which your Master
Gives you to do.
--Selected

February

As I was later to find out, the urgent ultrasound that my GP requested somehow didn't get processed. A week after it had been requested, I woke up and saw that my belly had swollen to almost twice the size it was already and I was throwing up, so my mum arranged an emergency appointment at the practice. The GP who saw me was shocked because he had assumed I was 8 months pregnant! Lovely! He had a feel of my belly and swiftly sent me off to A&E. Unfortunately, nothing gets done swiftly there, so in the end I was admitted. The ultrasound was inconclusive, though they thought it was probably an ovarian cyst, so they transferred me to the Southern General. This was my favourite hospital, by the way. It had the best decor, room temperature and food. The nurses were lovely, but not as lovely as those in Ward 24. Anyway... I had to wait till the next day to get my CT scan and then Mr Ali came to see me and said it looked like it was a dermoid cyst and he was going to operate on me, but he had to have this meeting with other surgeons to discuss the case first and he would be in touch the following Wednesday.

Well, for some reason they never got around to discussing me at this meeting so I had to wait yet another week. I wasn't all that worried because my friend Judith had had an ovarian cyst and she was fine. I was just worried about my course and whether I would get to finish it or not. Anyway, eventually they did discuss me and Mr Ali called me to let me know that he wouldn't be operating on me at all, but that a Dr Davis would. At this point, I knew I had cancer. So I let all my family know the result of the meeting, keeping the cancer bit to myself. A couple of days later, Sister Bredin from Ward 24 got in touch to arrange a meeting with me to discuss the surgery. I knew it was going to be a difficult situation because she asked me to bring someone with me. Of course, I wasn't expecting to have to decide whether I wanted a hysterectomy, my eggs to be harvested or the possibility of IVF; cancer was a tough enough thing to deal with! And I had to make up my mind in 4 days because the surgery would be the following Wednesday. Lovely!

At this point it was just a possibility I might have cancer and they weren't sure just how bad it was. Oh my goodness! I remember that Friday so clearly. I didn't know what to do with myself. After calling my closest friends - or trying to call them - my mum and I went to Where The Monkey Sleeps, an arty cafe, and I had an Oreo Speedwagon. Good comfort food for when you have to make difficult decisions. :-) Then my friends Danielle and Julie came into town and kept me company till I felt better. It was nice. I found out more about IVF from Danielle and so had more to think about when I got home. That day I also bought mango lip butter and my outfit for Gaby's wedding. Yup, interesting indeed.

Pfff... That weekend was weird. And hugely difficult. I kept trying to avoid speaking to God about it, but eventually I just couldn't. On the Saturday I totally poured my heart out to him and thought through my options before him. I never realised just how much I wanted to be a mother and how much I'd assumed it would happen one day. I also felt like I was like Abraham in having to sacrifice my 'children' to God. That whole time I was praying, I felt like I was climbing a huge mountain. Oh my goodness, did I cry as well! My heart broke into a million pieces, but I got to the top and there was peace. I'd made my decision. If need be, I would have the hysterectomy and there would be no harvesting of eggs. I decided I would not have IVF because it involved aborting embryos and that would dishonour God. I knew God would give me children, whether out of my womb or through adoption, if that were his will. And then there was peace.

In the end I said to God I would do his will, whatever that was, and I knew I meant it. I knew that this would be a great refining process that would bring me closer to the woman he wanted me to be and I wanted to be used by him. I also wanted this to be an opportunity to bring my family closer to salvation. It would all be worth it even if one of them, or someone, came to God because of it.

I stayed with Danielle the Sunday before the surgery, but I'd already received my comfort and peace from God, so we just had chat about other things. It was nice to have that time with her. Also, the women from my mum's home group came to pray over me before the surgery. My church had done that every Sunday too. It was so lovely to have that support and to have had it throughout. God's hand of blessing has really been on me throughout this whole time.

So that was February...