Howdy! I'm so glad that this week is finally over! It has dragged and DRAGGED, but my last class of the week has finally finished and I can go home for a wee nap. :-) I'm not going to Vienna for the Christmas market tomorrow. I'm just too tired. Too many things have been going on in the last few weeks, let alone this week, that I just want a long lie and time to tidy my room, clean my flat and do some laundry. Speaking of my flat, it turns out I will be living with Sandra after all! Woohoo! So, next term will be a lot easier than this term in the flat. Still haven't got my timetable for next term yet, but I hope that I don't start at 8am on the first Monday back, or any Monday of next term for that matter!

Well, that's it really. One more week and then I'm home. Yey!

Hello! I have some good news finally - I've gotten my ID card! Woo! Had to wait the whole day last Wednesday, but today it was only an hour. Woo! Also, I've heard that the phone line will be installed in January. Well, I don't know when in January, but they have 31 days to do it, so hopefully it will be done in that time. :-)

Also, the new girl has been confirmed. It is Alexis and she's from the posh part of Bristol. From her profile on Facebook, she looks like a bit of a party girl. So I don't know what she's going to be like as a flatmate. I have no idea what to expect. But there's been a wee bit of an issue in another flat, so I might end up living with Sandra instead, which I'd much prefer because we both get on really well. But we'll see what happens. She's going to speak to the Director of Studies today.

Um... Not much other news really. Just finishing up the textbook units in class because of the end of term tests next week. But all the units have finished for teenagers, so I have no idea what to do with them now. Pfff! Oh dear. Maybe I can find a video that they'd like to see... For my intermediate teens, Ruth and I are merging our classes and putting them before a DVD with some questions to answer. That's one class sorted out. Phew!!

Anyway, I'm going to look online for some activities for pre-intermediate teens...

Hello! I'm sorry I haven't blogged for ages. The last time I was on my way to that ice hockey match. Yeah, it was fantastic and I had a really good weekend that time. I'm actually going to the ice hockey again tonight. It'll be lots of fun! The atmosphere was brilliant even though I didn't understand the rules.

Basically I'm fine. Found out that I will be getting a new flat mate after Christmas. Well, I just hope she's not as dirty, smelly or messy as Ruth. That'll be fine. Today we had the Open Day for AV - the school I work for - and it was really hectic and tiring. Wish I hadn't said yes to the ice hockey because I'm so sleepy, but I'm sure I'll wake up.

I'll be back home in 2 weeks. That'll be nice. Totally could do with a wee break, but also have my check up on the Tuesday (18/12). Um... Nothing else to report really. Feeling really settled, except for my annoying flatmate. A little disappointed that people haven't been in touch more, but hey... That's life.

Nothing really...

Hello! I don't really have any news. It's been snowing for the past couple of days, so I'm glad I finally bought myself a proper coat last Saturday. I've not really done much except for work because it's been really busy with the new T-Mobile contract we've got. Everybody has had extra hours - except Ruth. I had 2 extra classes so I had preparation to do. Also, we've had some extra work because of the coming Open Day.

But otherwise, I'm fine. I haven't braved church again yet, mainly because I'm a coward. But we'll see. I've also been really tired because of the extra work. But anyway... It has to happen.

Hmmm... I really haven't done much else. I discovered the cinema and that made me happy so I went a couple of times last weekend. I might venture out to it again this weekend, who knows? It's only 3.50 here, so I'm happy! Oh, I'm also going to a Slovak ice hockey match today. Ice hockey's really big here, so we're going to see what the big deal is tonight. Should be interesting since I don't know what the rules are. Hah!

Well, I need to go and get some breakfast!

Finally, the trip to Hungary. We went to a small place called Gyor - the o should have 2 dots above it. It was a pretty wee place and I'd gone there in 3rd year with George and a few CU folk. It was such a big farce from the beginning. I'd gotten the wrong train information and then we ended up having to wait at the station for over an hour. I just st around listening to my mp3 player and Ruth and Sandra went to the 'internet cafe'. I don't know why it's called that because it wasn't a cafe and there were only 2 computers. Anyway, Ruth ended up breaking a chair by sitting on it and had to pay 300 SK for it. She said the chair was sitting right in the first place, but I suspect it's because she weighs about 20 stone. Maybe not as much as 20, but I'm not exaggerating when I say she's between 15 and 20 stone.

Anyway, we finally got there and it was a farce looking for the money changers. Sandra was rushing about everywhere and walking as if she were late for an important meeting and in the end, we got totally lost. It was a good walk though and good for me having to keep pace with her. Ruth, of course, lagged behind. We were really hungry by the time we got back to the centre and just went to the English pub and had some steak. It was really yummy! We sat there for quite a while and then went home.

The train ride back to Bratislava was eventless until we actually got back to Bratislava. We tried to get off at our stop - Ruth and I - but we couldn't get the doors opened. By the time we tried to go to another set of doors, the train had started moving again. I figured it was going to stop at the Bratislava main station, but Ruth was getting really nervous. Anyway, the conductor confirmed what I already knew, so we just waited in our stall. Then this drunk man with a moustache and a cowboy hat came in and started trying to talk to us. He could only say "Hallo" and "Ticket please". Anyway, he eventually left us alone and when we got to the main station, I lost Ruth for a while, cos she got into trouble for smoking in the train station. But it was alright in the end. We got a tram into the centre and then got our bus home. Finally got back at 9.30ish pretty much exhausted. But it was really funny the whole time and no one got annoyed. It was just one of those experiences you have I guess when you're travelling.

I'm sorry that it's taken me so long to to write about it. It's been a busy week and I've had to spend quite a bit of time at home because we had a few leaks in our bathroom and I had to wait for the repair men. Well, it's sorted out now. I'm still waiting for my ID card. It sucks that I can't have a phoneline even until then. AAAH!! Anyway, that's all for now. :-)

Vienna take 2

Hello! Yep, I went back to Vienna again yesterday. Saw even more beautiful buildings. Simon and I walked around for like FOUR hours and saw beautiful building after beautiful building after beautiful building. The weather was really nice yesterday making everything more picturesque than it already was. I was amazed by it all. I have to go back though becuase I think I've only seen a third of it. There are so many more places I want to visit while I'm here - Prague, Budapest and the rest of Slovakia, but I love Vienna so much already that I think I'll just keep going back there every opportunity I get!! It's so much more beautiful than Paris. Sorry Paris lovers, but you'll have to go there and see just how right I am!

There were no classes yesterday because of the Catholic All Saint's Day holiday. I had to come in today for my 8am class even though my students had already told me that they weren't going to be here. What a big jobby! Anyway, I just sat in my classroom for 45 minutes planning my up and coming lessons for my adult classes. They were quite simple lessons because next week, they'll be sitting a test for 2 lessons and then it's feedback and all I have to do is finish the units that they were on. Next week will be a great week since I'll only have to plan for the teenagers and my 8am Friday class. I suppose I won't be so happy when I have all those test papers to mark, but it'll be nice to go home not be absolutely exhausted as usual. :-)

Tomorrow I'm off to Gyor - it should have 2 dots above the o, but I can't seem to insert it... I was there 3 or 4 years ago for an evangelism conference with George and a few other CU folk. It'll be nice to go back. It's a quaint wee town and if the weather's nice, it'll be pretty. It'll be a big contrast from Vienna though since it's only a wee place. I wonder how much it's changed in the last few years? The last time I was there, everywhere I went looked like a postcard picture. Hope it's still the same.

Oh, they've already started setting up the Christmas markets in the square in the Old Town. Exciting! I can't wait. I saw the pictures of them on-line before I got here and it looked so Christmassy and lovely. Woohoo! It'll be nice looking at and walking round all the stalls while sipping on some mulled wine. :-)

One last but important piece of news: NOVA, the company I was going to go to Japan with, have collapsed financially. 2000 teachers are out of a job, haven't been paid and have no money to get home from Japan!! That could've been me!!! So, I'm glad I'm here. Phew! Even if I do have the flatmate from hell... :-D

Church

So, I finally made it to church on Sunday. Phew! Found it alright. I can't tell you whether it was good or bad because I didn't have the right headphones and so had to sit to through the whole service not understanding one word!! I couldn't leave either because I was sitting in the middle of the row and it was full on each side of me. I was disappointed that nobody even made an effort to talk to me. I was really early and was sitting on my won for ages not really knowing what to do with myself. I guess in that respect churches don't differ from country to country. It's a shame that there aren't more Jennys or Margarets.

This week we have Thursday off and so I'm happy to have a wee extra break. I thought about going away for the whole weekend, but it isn't going to happen. Just going to a small town in Hungary for the afternoon on Saturday. Maybe make it away at some point. Hopefully to Prague. Staying in Vienna for a whole weekend might be a little too expensive, though maybe I should just save up?

Anyway, things are going well, more or less. Really tired all the time, but I guess it just shows I'm working hard. Pay day again on Friday. Woohoo!

Vienna

Hello! I know you're all dying to know about Vienna, so here I am posting about it. Well, I didn't get off to a very good start. I was being a bit of a smart ass and I thought the station was a lot closer than it was to where I lived, so I decided to walk there. Then I got lost and had to take the bus anyway and then I missed the train by one minute. I would've made it as well if I'd known where passport control was... So then I had to wait for an hour till the next train, but it came on time and it was well fancy!

When I got to Vienna, it was absolutely FREEZING and raining. I walked for about 45 minutes heading towards the centre and then started to look at buildings. I did start to take pictures, but soon ralised that I wouldn't be able to get very far if I took pictures of every amazing piece of architecture I saw. It was beautiful and I'm going to go again. Hopefully the weather will be better in a couple of weeks...

I wish I could describe everything, but all I can say was that the buildings were beautiful - spectacular, even! Never seen architecture like it. The layout of the city was similar to Paris. I loved it! It was also brilliant going up to monuments and buildings and reading the inscriptions and being able to understand them. So happy that I could use German still! Also, it was brilliant going into a cafe and being able to understand the waiters and the menu and being able to order in a complete sentence!

Another teacher - Simon - and I were thinking about going by boat to Vienna next time because we could just sail up the Danube, but unfortunately, the boats don't run regularly in the winter and they're quite expensive. Ah well... Might be something to try next year - maybe in the summer... But I think I'm going again in a couple of weeks or so - by train - and this time I'll print off some directions to particular places. It'll be cool.

I definitely recommend going to Vienna, but you need a LOT of time. :-) Come visit and we could go together!!

Um...

Hello! Nothing to say really. Just that I got paid today and I went to the bank to put the money into my Slovak account. I went with my purse and the money - it's just across the road from the school. So, I get there and they ask for my passport. I had my bank card with me and I only wanted to put money in to the account, but I couldn't until I had brought my passport in. Man, I usually have my bag with me and my passport in it! Anyway, I had to traipse all the back to the school and get my blooming passport before I could money in! Ridiculous!

In other news: I am going to go to Vienna for the day. At least I hope so. I'll definitely go if the weather's nice. I'll be going on my own, but that way I'll have some peace from Ruth and an excuse not to go out that night since I'll be far too tired. Heehee! Then I can go to church on Sunday. Woo! And make some friends finally! :-) It'll be weird going to Vienna! I'm so excited! It's only an hour away from where I'm staying. I'll take lots of pictures, but I won't be able to post them until I get the internet in my flat. Which will probably be never. :-( Haha! Just a few more weeks!

Hello!

Hello! I'm so sorry I haven't written for ages. It's mainly because nothing much has happened... I wake up, teach my 8am class, plan for the next day, my teens and my 4.45pm class, then I teach my teens and my 4.45pm and I go home. On the weekends, I sleep in, I clean up after my flatmate Ruth (this is turning me into quite a good housewife actually, but it annoys me how dirty and messy she is!!) and then I read. A couple of Saturdays we've gone out, but I hate it. It's no fun being cramped into a crowded space and having Ruth dance AT you. Nope. I have yet to make it to church on Sunday... Mostly I've been sleeping in, and then planning my lessons, grocery shopping and more reading!! Woo! This is of course broken occasionally when Phil, my director, lends me one of his DVDs, then I really go wild!!

Just a hint of sarcasm there for ya...

Seriously man, I need a life outside of work, outside of the flat and outside of Ruth. As someone to hang out with, Ruth's alright, btu I have to hang out with her ALL THE TIME and work with her also. I need some other friends!!

See, this is why I haven't written for ages. There just hasn't been anything to say... I'm fine though, just a little bored. :-)

Woohoo for the Weekend!!

Hello! Thought I should post again before the weekend. Not really much to say really except that I'm glad another week is over and I don't have to teach again for another 2 days. Phew! Also, that I feel weird about having my birthday with no-one really to celebrate with. Well, sure there are the other teachers, but if I were in Glasgow, at least I could be with my mum and maybe some friends... Ah well. I guess I'm only thinking that because I'm a little homesick. I always miss home more at the weekend than during the week. Probably because I don't really have time to think about anything other than teaching and planning lessons during the week, oh, and sleeping as well. :-)

Em... Yeah, I'm going to go to this church that is near the school on Sunday. I have no idea what to expect, but they do have an English service, so that's something. Yeah, I never thought I would miss Christians, but I do. That's a horrible thing to say, but what I mean is, when I left, mass gatherings of Christians really scared me because well, I was sick of being patronised just because I was struggling with my faith. I guess I haven't really made any firm decisions, but more and more I see that I am more on the Christian side than any other. Certainly the more I hear about other religions, the more I see the Christianity is the way.

Yup, I'm going to go now and buy a copy of Pascal's Pensees. See if Pete keeps his promise to study it with me over the year - via email of course.

Bye!

Activities?!?!

Hello! This is an appeal for ideas. You know the game Mafia? My young teens LOVE it! I'm wondering if any of you might know of a game like Mafia that teenagers might like? I'm sure they'll get sick of it soon enough and I have no idea what to do with them then... Eek! My young teen are adorable, but the older ones are a pain in the ass! Well, only 5 of them, but still...

Teaching is so exhausting! I love my last class of the day and it's a great way to end each day. Plus, planning for them is great because I know them well enough now to know what they like and what they don't like. I think I'm getting there with the morning class too. They intimidate me a little though... I don't know if I'll ever get used to the teenagers... Goodness! I hope I get tot he point where I enjoy teaching here. I did at the end of my course.

I think I'm just having a bad day... :-S

Teenagers?!?!?!

Just a quick post to moan before I go on to teach another class: I did CELTA specifically so that I could teach adults and only adults because not only do teenagers not want to learn, but they definitely do NOT want to learn English!! My teenage classes are my lease favorite classes in the day. I could do without them.

Right, off to teach my class of the day. Lovely Intermediate adults. Phew!

Another week of teaching...

The first week here was exhausting and was full of teaching, planning lessons and teaching again. My flatmate and I both finish at 6.30pm and then when we get home, if we don't have any more planning to do, just collapse in a heap of exhaustion. We both feel like losers because we're too tired to even to go to the cinema or out for a drink! But I've been assured that this isn't the case once you get into the hang of things. Well, I hope that's soon because by the end of last week, I just didn't want to get out of bed since I was sooo tired!

Had a fairly restful weekend though. We did go with some Slovak girls to a Harley Davidson bar in the middle of nowhere. I was expecting rock music at least, but they played cheesy 80s stuff and then in the middle of all that played Rammstein, which was then followed by Thriller!! It was bizarre. Plus the DJ was a creepy old man! Eugh! By about 1 in the morning, the music got a bit better. I really didn't want to be there. When I first went out, I thought we'd just be going for a couple of drinks and home again. I wasn't prepared for not getting home till 3am!! I would've left sooner, but I didn't know where I was and didn't particularly want to wander about Bratislava on my own in the middle of the night, so I stayed. Slept most of Sunday, then went grocery shopping, read for a while and then planned my lesson for Monday.

So glad for the weekend though. It was good just doing things like cleaning my kitchen, laundry and just reading. I really feel better for it and feel prepared for a new week ahead. Though by Wednesday, I'll probably be longing for the weekend again. Speaking of the weekend: It's my birthday on Sunday, so I fully expect that those of you who've got my address should send me a card! :-P I'm allowed to make demands, I think, since I'm going to have to celebrate my birthday all alone in a foreign country. Heehee!

Lastly, those of you who pray for me, please pray I find a church nearby and some good Christian friends soon. That would great! Ok, back to work now!

Teaching

Hello! I can't believe I'm teaching 3 classes a day! My classes first thing and last thing in the day are really nice. I have teenagers in the afternoon and they're CRAZY!! But some of them are cute. I'm sure I'll get to used to them in time. :-) I can't believe how much time it takes to plan all these lessons! I was expecting it, but still... I was so spoilt during my CELTA course because we had so much time to do everything! Anyway, I'm sure I'll get into the swing of things. All the teachers that have been here a while say it gets easier to plan as the terms go on, so hopefully by Christmas it'll be almost second nature.

Someone asked if I could post pictures of where I live and I will. Once I get the internet in the flat sorted and then I'll be able to upload my photos from my laptop. I'll take some pictures of the old town too.

Well, I'm going to go back and do some work now before I have to face the dreadful teens!

Bratislava

Hello! This is the first proper time that I've been able to blog. Been able to check emails, but for some reason blogger was really slow. Anyway... So, I'm in Bratislava. For a capital city, it's pretty small. It's really beautiful though. Had a walk around the old city yesterday and yeah, it's really beautiful. Most people go home at the weekend and do it's pretty quiet here. My flat is nice. very 70s looking and set among a whole load of communist built flats. They would be intimidating if it weren't so green all over the place and peaceful. It's been really hot here the last few days, but today it's a little chilly. Still not freezing or anything though, so that's ok. In a couple of weeks, I'll hopefully be able to have the internet in my flat, so that will make things a lot easier.

I don't really know what else to say really. Just taught my first class. It's a lot less intimidating since I'm not being assessed. I have to start at 8 everyday though, but because the buses are so regular and we don't live that far away from the school, I can leave at 7.30 and get in for plenty of time. My next class isn't till 3.30 though, so I might just do some photocopying and go home for a little while.

Bad news

Oh dear... I just found out that Ruth and I are not going to be living in a nice, lovely flat. We've been moved to a rather horrible sounding one. I'm not sure what's happened or why we've been moved. Ruth didn't even know that we were being moved until Friday. No more balcony and no more living room. I've emailed Simon - my boss - and asked him to clear up the situation. Lovely! At least it's free. I hope the heating works during the winter. My mum's really annoyed about it. What can I do now? I just have to deal with it. All part of the experience, right?

Looks like there will be no room for visitors I'm afraid. :-( I just hope this isn't what the whole year is going to be like...

I'm leaving in a day

Hi! I've not been a really good blogger for ages. Sorry! Not really had much to say since nothing much has happened since getting accepted to Bratislava. So, I leave in a day. I can't quite get my head around it. People keep asking me if I'm ready, but I have no way of actually knowing that. I'm going to miss quite a few people very deeply, but this time of leaving I think will show me who my real friends are. That's quite a blunt statement, isn't it?

I'm going to try my best to blog while I'm away, but as I've said before, I'm not sending round mass emails, though I might just send one letting people know I've arrived safely and things like my address... I'm hoping to get the internet in my flat, but I'm not sure how much of a possibility that really is. I'll know more when I'm there. I got emails from my flatmate pretty much everyday - the girl in Bratislava - so I guess there must be a few places around where I can send and receive emails.

I'm getting to the stage where I just want to get there and get it over and done with - like ripping of a band-aid/plaster. I'll feel better once I know what I'm doing and where everything is. I am just hoping for really good friends. They make such a difference to everything and as many things I can bring from here to there, I can't bring my good friends, so I rerally need to make some new ones. I'm pretty easy to befriend, so I'm sure it won;t be long. :-)

Ok, not really sure what to say now... I'm on facebook and bebo, so if you want to, keep in touch that way. If not, I guess I'll see when I see you. Goodbye!

Leaving Party

Hello! I don't know who reads my blog anymore, but if you do, you're one of my friends and are still in Glasgow, please come to my leaving party on Saturday 8 September at the Primary on Woodlands Road from 7.30pm!

Thanks!

I'm leaving!!!

Woohoo! I'm going to Bratislava on 18 September. Yup, just about 6 weeks!

I know, I know. I was all excited about Poland and the school seemed like a good place and the town sounded nice, but at Bratislava, I don't have to pay rent or bills for a year. Plus, they pick me up from the airport, refund me half my travel costs, I get to teach a wide range of courses - from beginner to exam level, I am only 1-2 hours away from Vienna, Prague, Budapest and Bucharest... It goes on and on. Sounds nice. Plus, if anyone wanted to visit, it's a lot easier to get to than where I would've been in Poland.

So, my tickets are booked. Really cheap. Need to save up some money so that I can pay for the excess weight on my luggage! No idea what to take and what not to take. EEK! Going to start packing bit by bit.

Found out about my flat today too. Thought I would have a flat to myself, but turns out I'll be sharing. Ah well... Hope my flat mate it nice. :-S It's apparently a nice flat - 2 bedrooms, a living room, modern and fully furnished is all I've been told. Presumably it has a bathroom and a kitchen too. By the way, anyone know where I can get an adapter for European plugs? I'll need a couple I think before I go. :-)

It's all happening so quickly, but I like it. There'd be nothing worse than temping forever. Good to finally be doing what I want to, even if it's not the country of my dreams. Ah well... These things happen for a reason, right? I'll get to Japan eventually. I just hope I remember how to plan lessons and teach!!

Wish me luck!

(Oh, I hope to be keeping my blog up to date while I'm away. If not, I'm on facebook. If you want to know how I'm getting on, just ask. I won't be sending round mass emails. See ya!)

Moving on up!

Yo! I have some good news at last. Since coming back from my summer school in Wolverhampton, I've been more determined than ever to get off my backside and get myself an EFL job even if it means no Japan. So, I applied for 7 jobs on Monday and Tuesday and have since had 5 different schools say they're interested!! Out of all 5, the one I most like the sound of is in Poland. Had my phone interview today and I think it went pretty well. Never can tell with these things and even less so on the phone! Lady was really nice though and I kept speaking to her as if I'd already gotten the job. Poor Chris is going to miss me, but hey... I was never going to be around for long. If all goes well, I'll be in Poland for 24 Sept! Exciting! Only have 6 more weeks here and I can finally leave and do what I've been desperate to do for FOUR YEARS!!! Teaching. Bet I'll hate it though once it starts! Haha!

You can't begin to imagine how relieved I am that my life is finally moving forward and going somewhere. I thought I may have been stuck in the Mental Health Tribunal forever and all my work at CELTA was going to go to waste. Not so though. Even if I don't get this job in Poland (I'll hear at the start of next week), there's still an interview for Bratislava tomorrow and one on 17 August for a school in Germany. All of them start at the end of Sept/beginning of Oct. Can you believe that I can finally start living my dream? Oh God, I hope this is not just false hope! It's the first time I've been happy and excited about something in months. Phew!

Fingers crossed. Will let you know when I know more!

Back in sunny Glasgow!

Sorry I haven't written for a while...

Quick update: My faith is not there anymore, I can honestly say. The past two weeks I was in Wolverhampton at a Project International camp and went a bit crazy. Didn't do anything majorly wrong, but definitely wouldn't have done half the things if I'd been here among Christians. In a way, it was good because I got too see who I was without God and got a fair idea of just how bad things could get if I didn't sort myself out. On the other hand though, I had a really good time, but I don't think I would continue to behave int hat way. Essentially, I am still the same Steph, but all the things that were good in me definitely came from God and part of me, though it is getting smaller everyday, still wants it back. I don't know though. It's tough.

I don't know. I think part of me did it to be accepted or something? I do know that over the last couple of years I've become progressively lonelier and lonelier still. And the fact that I have no direction at the moment has thrown me completely. I am lost ina lot of ways. I hope I do find some way back to rationality and reason though, but it'll take time and effort and I hope I will kick myself up my backside and actually do something about it. But with no direction, it's hard to be motivated.

All of this is really affecting the way I look at myself - who am I, what do I look like, am I pretty, how do others perceive me.... All these things are floating around in my head. I don't know what I'm looking for. When I was sure about God, I was sure about who I was and where I stood in the world. Well, not exactly, but I knew I was part of God's plan and I knew it was best. I long for that place, but it'll take such a long time to get back there...

Good to be home though. Looking forward to sleeping in my own bed!

Sayonara Japan

So, I've decided to give up on Japan. The company I applied to - NOVA - were told this week by the Japanese government to suspend recruitment of new students for 6 months because they lied to prospective students about their facilties. I called them when I read the news on the Japan Times on Thursday to ask if this affected my application, but they said no as they are still allowed to renew contracts with existing students. Still, I am quite dubious. It's a pretty serious thing when the government orders you to do something and my guess is that the students won't all rush to renew their contracts. Since Japan is on the other side of the world, I'd like to go there being 100% sure of my company, but I'm not. I don't want to end up stranded on the other side of the world, so I'm not going yet. Plus, I feel like maybe I'm not ever supposed to go. The last time I wanted to go, I had cancer and now the company appears to be suspect. Plus, there was all this hassle about my primary school and how they lied about when I would hear back. It's not never, I suppose, but definitely not for a while.

It's quite difficult to think of what else to do because for the last 4 or 5 years I've wanted to teach English as a foreign language and to teach it in Japan. I guess I really can go anywhere and I should try Europe. Since Thursday I've been thinking that since I need regualr check-ups still that maybe Europe would be best because then I could save money on health insurance as I could just fly back for my appointments. They're now every four months and soon will be every six months, so that should be manageable. Also, the place I'm working at now said that they'd be able to offer me work till maybe Christmas, so that sounds good too.

How do I feel about having to give up Japan yet again? I don't know. I'm not entirely surprised. It seems everytime I want something that it's almost a guarantee that I'm never going to get it. It seems that everyone else gets what they want, but I'm the one who has to be patient and wait. But what exactly am I waiting for? Part of me is frustrated because the last few months would've been different if I'd known I wasn't going. And I hate the fact that everyone is going to feel sorry for me. "Poor little Steph. I hope something works out for her soon."

I think that maybe I should change the picture for my blog too. I'll have to change the title too, eh? No use having a Japanese themed blog when I'm not going to get there for a while... Pfff! I have no idea what to do now and no motivation to find out. I don't want to be one of those people who are always living in the future and so don't appreciate their present. I'm little Steph and there's a big world out there. I just hope one day I get to see it.

Where is my faith?

You know, up until this week, I thought I was just struggling as a Christian and struggling with my relationship wih God, but after speaking to Julie today, I realised that it is deeper than that. I have lost my faith and in doing so have lost my hope. People always ask what difference does knowing God make to anyone's life, well, it gave me hope and now that I haven't got it, life's outlook is hopeless to me. I was kidding myself and perhaps others too, but I was never kidding God. How do you get faith back once you've lost it?

On another note, my interview was alright on Thursday for NOVA. I just answered the questions as best as I could and I'll hear by the end of the week. Or the start of next week. Who knows? It's quite tough knowing how to respond when people say that they think there's no reason why I shouldn't get the job. It's quite tough as well trying to show someone who doesn't know you that you are the right person for the job and that this is something you seriously want to do and it isn't just a pipedream. I don't know. I just have to wait and see...

Somewhere I know that this isn't a surprise to God and in some way he isn't distant. He knows, I guess, that in the long run this will be good for me because it'll have been something I decided for myself and not just something I have been told to believe. With this I just have to wait and see as well, but I still have to keep looking. :-)

150th POST!!

Well, I suppose it's about time I blog again... I've been lazy with it because I've been sooo ridiculously tired. I think I may be anaemic. Not exaggerating or being a hyperchondriac. I have been slightly anaemic since my treatment, so it's not a total jump... I kept fainting the other night and my GP thinks it might have been a moment of low blood pressure. But we won't know for sure I guess... My GP's going to give me a check up next Tuesday, so I'll know then.

As for spiritual health: I can't say I've made any progress. I have no idea whatsoever how I'm supposed to rely on God for strength. I had a problem with that even when I was sure I was a Christian. The only time I got it right was when I had cancer and I'd rather learn how do it when I'm well than just be critically ill just so I can know God better. I think I'm just where I was - I know that I cannot live without God and that I want to be a Christian. But I have no idea whatsoever of how to live with God - how to be a Christian.

My problem is that I have always looked to other Christians as an example. Now the fact that Paul said to follow him as he follows Christ makes so much sense. Even Paul wasn't the 'right' example. Only Jesus. But I have no idea how to do that since the gospel stories are so familiar, they fall on deaf ears. But I also get distracted by Christians, expecially those that make me cringe to be associated with. That also is a 'plank in my eye' problem... Sandyford has been going through Matthew and they've been really well done sermons - very expansive, information and helpful. My problem is in application... I just have to wait and see, I suppose...

I guess I'm never really going to be 'sorted out', but I do want to be at a place where I know that God is definitely there...

Interview and revelations...

First of all, I just want to let you know that I heard from NOVA today and my interview is in Edinburgh on 31 May!!

Next, here is what I've learned about God:

I've recently discovered that EVERYONE is selfish - that is why we sin. The person I love most in my life, no matter what I may think, is me. That's why the law can be summarised with just 2 commands - love the Lord with all your heart, soul and mind and love your neighbour as yourself. There's no room in either of those for just 'ME'. I've also realised that that is all you need for marriage. Us Christians have a tendency to complicate things and complicate rules but we forget what Jesus told us in the Sermon on the Mount. If that is all we need for life, that is all we need for marriage. I've put up with this lie that you have to be somehow spiritually 'superior' to be 'ready' for marriage for too long, but I've since realised that these are both lies. When you approach anything, it's about your heart attitude and you're never 'ready' to do it, just ready to learn from it. That's what God's been teaching me.

All the 'lies' I was talking about, they were very loud at Calvary and I kept thinking there was something wrong with me. There was some other stuff that made me think that maybe I wasn't actually a Christian because I wasn't seeing things like everyone else was. I have since seen that the only thing wrong with me is sin and the only person who can do anything about it is God. Everything really is that simple. And like Chris Hoy told me, all those months ago, all I need to be a Christian is to believe that Jesus is the son of God and that Him dying on the cross freed me from sins and in doing so opened the way up for me to have a relationship with God. Doctrine doesn't matter - of course, we have to obedient to God, but that comes down to what I said above, if we love God and other people more than ourselves, we'll sin less (all with God's help of course).

Since realising all this stuff, I do feel free and I do feel like I finally understand how Jesus' yoke is light. It is. We Christians get in our own way. It's quite absurd. Oh well. Learning to love God and everyone else more than I love myself is going to be tough, but it is a LOT easier than trying to be like all the other Christians. I have to find my own way of relating to God. The Pursuit of God has really helped with that. What an eye opener! I highly recommend it - along with Mere Christianity. They really set out Christianity and relating to God in such a straightforward way. But I also highly recommend the Bible. It's all about grace and God's help. Love the Lord your God with your heart, soul and mind, and love your neighbour as you love yourself. There is true wisdom in both these commands. It is ALL you need.

That's it.

Off to Japan...?

Well, FINALLY I've sent off my application to NOVA. I sent it off yesterday and have been checking my email every five minutes since. Guess it'll take a while before they get back to me, but I'm so excited!! It all seems so surreal. I am kinda worried about it as I had cancer and so that might affect my health insurance, but I hope it'll all work out...

Work was hectic today because most of the staff were on strike. I had to do a lot, but it was fine because before I knew it, it was 4.30 and then once I finished what I had to do, I could go home. Phew!

Also, A Life Less Ordinary arrived in the post today! Woohoo! It's my favourite film in the whole world!! Those who haven't seen it have to. It's hillarious! Heehee!

Had a good weekend with regard to learning things about God, but more about that later. I'm off to watch my DVD. Anyone who wants to borrow it should. I'm going to make you watch it anyway. :P

No life without God

Over the last few days I've been wondering how people cope without having God in their lives. I've been struggling with having a relationship with God over the last few months because I'm not sure exactly what being a Christian means anymore. I have spent far too much time looking to Christians for guidance and it led me to be disillusioned about my faith in general because I was looking to man and not God. For a little while it made me even wonder about whether I was even a Christian. I read some parts of my blog from this time last year and I was amazed at my faith then, but also amazed at how far from it I am now!

I've had to cut some ties with some people I really love recently because I need to be in a place where I don't have any distractions. I have to work this out on my own, obviously with God's help, but that makes this whole walk so lonely. I do feel incredibly empty and alone because I've forgotten what it means to have a relationship with God. I don't know where to start. And for the life of me, I can't understand how people can ignore the gaping whole in them! It's only been a few months and without God my life seemed so empty and pointless. There's just no meaning in anything and no purpose to anything. Everyday began and ended the same - thankless and empty. I knew I had to do something about it - I just couldn't take it anymore.

My lesson learned so far is that if I want to learn how to be a Christian, I should look at Jesus and not other Christians because - this is fairly basic stuff - Jesus is God and people are just people. I read Mere Christianity and I'm reading the Pursuit of God on the train to work. Think I might look at Mark and study Jesus afresh. I've been through enough to know that I don't want a life without God. No thanks. I don't understand why anyone would.

Exploding toilets

I'm sorry I haven't blogged for ages. This new job is not like the other. I have access to the internet, but it dooesn't let me onto blogger. :-( I do want to say more, but instead I'm going to go with a cop out and post a link about exploding toilets instead.

New Job

Hello, hello! I started my new job today and it was soooo busy. How brilliant! It's a stress filled job and is constantly on the go. Brilliant! So great to be working somewhere that gives me work to do. People seem really nice too. Only downside is that I have to leave the house at 7.45 every morning, or it could be earlier... I'll know for sure tomorrow. Ah well... All the travelling means I have more time to read.

Oh dear, I'll have to remember to actually submit my application to NOVA soon otherwise I may never get to Japan... I know some of you would be happy if I didn't go though. Hee hee hee!

No hair? Get a wig!

Just taking a stroll down memory lane. This time last year, Andrea came over with Hugo and shaved my head. And now my hair is lovely and growing nicely. :-)

Also, I started chemo on 10 April last year, but this year, I'll be starting my new job. What a year it's been!

Today I got to do something nice for someone I care about a lot. I'm glad I can make someone happy. :-) Yey!

Rely on God, not Self!

Wow! What a challenge, rebuke, but also an encouragement!

"Behold, all ye that kindle a fire, that compass yourselves about with sparks: walk in the light of your fire, and in the sparks that ye have kindled. This shall ye have of mine hand; ye shall lie down in sorrow" (Isa. 50:11).

What a solemn warning to those who walk in darkness and yet who try to help themselves out into the light. They are represented as kindling a fire, and compassing themselves with sparks. What does this mean?

Why, it means that when we are in darkness the temptation is to find a way without trusting in the Lord and relying upon Him. Instead of letting Him help us out, we try to help ourselves out. We seek the light of nature, and get the advice of our friends. We try the conclusions of our reason, and might almost be tempted to accept a way of deliverance which would not be of God at all.

All these are fires of our own kindling; rushlights that will surely lead us onto the shoals. And God will let us walk in the light of those sparks, but the end will be sorrow.

Beloved, do not try to get out of a dark place, except, in God's time and in God's way. The time of trouble is meant to teach you lessons that you sorely need.

Premature deliverance may frustrate God's work of grace in your life. Just commit the whole situation to Him. Be willing to abide in darkness so long as you have His presence. Remember that it is better to walk in the dark with God than to walk alone in the light. --The Still Small Voice

Cease meddling with God's plans and will. You touch anything of His, and you mar the work. You may move the hands of a clock to suit you, but you do not change the time; so you may hurry the unfolding of God's will, but you harm and do not help the work. You can open a rosebud but you spoil the flower. Leave all to Him. Hands down. Thy will, not mine. --Stephen Merritt

According to Our Faith

This was a help and a challenge all at once:

"According to your faith be it unto you" (Matt. 9:29).

"Praying through" might be defined as praying one's way into full faith, emerging while yet praying into the assurance that one has been accepted and heard, so that one becomes actually aware of receiving, by firmest anticipation and in advance of the event, the thing for which he asks.

Let us remember that no earthly circumstances can hinder the fulfillment of His Word if we look steadfastly at the immutability of that Word and not at the uncertainty of this ever-changing world. God would have us believe His Word without other confirmation, and then He is ready to give us "according to our faith."

"When once His Word is past,
When He hath said , 'I will,' (Heb. 13:5)
The thing shall come at last;
God keeps His promise still." (2 Cor. 1:20)

The prayer of the Pentecostal age was like a cheque to be paid in coin over the counter. --Sir R. Anderson

"And God said…and it was so." (Gen. 1:9.) - Mrs C E Cowman

Can someone please explain to me why earthly circumstances can't affect the fulfilment of His word, but He only gives us according to our faith? Doesn't that mean that we can affect the fulfilment of God's word?

The girl who had cancer and still smiles

This time last year, I was recovering in hospital. The weekend nurses were horrible and they also kept promising that I would be moved to one of the ward rooms instead of being in the ward you went into after an operation - recovery? Anyway, I had had my catheter removed and could walk up and down the ward. I could even bathe myself - amazing! I remember being in such a bad mood though because I felt better and just wanted to go home. I know Drs Davis and Burton were surprised that I was well enough to go home only 4 days after major surgery, but I was stubborn and I was determined to go home. Plus, the food was horrible in Ward 24 and they hardly gave you any vegetables or fruit - not even fruit juice in the morning! I had such a big craving for fruit juice when I got out. :-) The thing that amused me about having my catheter removed was that I forgot what it was like to need a pee. Also, for a couple of days, I couldn't pee without the tap running! Heehee!

I can't believe it was all only a year ago! It feels so strange, but I'm so glad it's over. I really hope it doesn't come back!

This time last year, I was admitted into Ward 24 so I could get ready for my surgery on the Thursday. I was told that I definitely had cancer and by the grace of God I had decided that I would have a hysterectomy if it was needed. Man, I look back and I can see that complete trust and faith I had in my loving Father. I would give anything to be in that complete peace and rest I was then. I realised juist how much I wanted to have children, but I could give it up because I knew my Father in Heaven knew best. I miss that peace and trust and I'm ashamed that it took something as awful as cancer to bring me to a point of rest in His will. I'm ashamed because right now I'm fine and my 'troubles' are nothing; trivial in comparison. But I'm finding it difficult to let go and to trust the Father that I was so sure was loving just a year ago.

Reading the Old Testament, particularly Exodus and Judges, where God showed His faithfulness time and again, and the Israelites still lost their faith and went back to other gods, I can't help but see me. I used to think that they were foolish. How could they who saw first hand the power, might and awesomness, but also the grace, love and mercy of God, turn away from Him? Well, I ask the same of myself. How could I being in the very arms of God just a year ago have walked away from that place? How could I have lost my faith in the Faithful? I have no idea how to get that back. I just hope that I do soon.

Cancer

This time last year, my mum and I went to Ward 24 of the Royal Infirmary - the gynaecological oncology ward. On the Wednesday, I'd been called by Dr Ali, the guy who was so confident it was merely an ovarian cyst, and he told me that I would now be treated by a Dr Davis. My GP has also called me to let me know that this was merely precautionary and ovarian cancer only occurred in women over 45. Ah well... Nevertheless, I knew in my heart I had cancer. There was no way that they would've asked me to bring someone with me if it wasn't going to be bad news. Still, when I heard it and when I was asked to consider a hysterectomy, I really didn't expect it to hurt me as much as it did. It was bad, but actually not as bad as having your heart broken by someone you loved. :-)

Anyway... I called my four best friends - Miriam, Marji, Jonathan and Pete. Poor people! They just didn't know what to do or say. Also, Danielle and Julie came into town to cheer me up and I ended up buying a dress for Gaby's wedding. It was so fake, but nice that they came to be with me at all. (Fake in the sense that we were all laughing and joking, but only to avoid talking about the serious issue.)

The rest of the day was kind of a blur. I think when I got home, I just burst into tears and cried and cried. I didn't know what else to do. But it's all alright. Today, I'm just stressing about my teaching assessment at 2pm. :-)

OOPS! Had no time to blog yesterday as I was in a rush to get all my stuff ready for my teaching assessment. Phew! Glad I passed. :-) Got an easy lesson in comparison for next week. Thank goodness!

Ok, so this time last year, as in Saturday, I'd come home from the Southern and I'd met the surgeon - Mr./Dr. Ali - and he had seen the reuslt of the CT and was mroe than confident that it was only an ovarian cyst and nothing more sinister. He said that they'd have to have this cross-discplinary meeting (??) on the following Wednesday to discuss my case, but also, I think, all other surgical cases. (I think this meeting consists of Radiologists, Oncologists, Surgeons and possibly other specialists.) So, I was alright. It was nice to know the reason I was 'pregnant' and actually I was quite amused by what I thought was only a dermoid cyst. You should read about them, or go to the archives and read through Feb last year. ;-)

Yep, still didn't know I had cancer! So weird...

PS The picture is from an anime movie called My Neighbour Totoro. You should see it. It's sooooo CUTE!!

Hope vs Fear

Oh my goodness! How appropriate is this devotional for me today!

"Lo, I am with you all the appointed days" (Matt. 28:20, Variorum Version).

Do not look forward to the changes and chances of this life in fear. Rather look at them with full hope that, as they arise, God, whose you are, will deliver you out of them. He has kept you hitherto; do you but hold fast to His dear hand, and He will lead you safely through all things; and when you cannot stand, He will bear you in His arms.

Do not look forward to what may happen tomorrow. The same everlasting Father who cares for you today will take care of you tomorrow, and every day. Either He will shield you from suffering, or He will give you unfailing strength to bear it. Be at peace, then, put aside all anxious thoughts and imaginations. --Frances do Sales

"The Lord is my shepherd."

Not was, not may be, nor will be. "The Lord is my shepherd," is on Sunday, is on Monday, and is through every day of the week; is in January, is in December, and every month of the year; is at home, and is in China; is in peace, and, is in war; in abundance, and in penury.
--J. Hudson Taylor

HE will silently plan for thee,
Object thou of omniscient care;
God Himself undertakes to be
Thy Pilot through each subtle snare.

He WILL silently plan for thee,
So certainly, He cannot fail!
Rest on the faithfulness of God,
In Him thou surely shalt prevail.

He will SILENTLY plan for thee
Some wonderful surprise of love.
Eye hath not seen, nor ear hath heard,
But it is kept for thee above.

He will silently PLAN for thee,
His purposes shall all unfold;
The tangled skein shall shine at last,
A masterpiece of skill untold.

He will silently plan FOR THEE,
Happy child of a Father's care,
As though no other claimed His love,
But thou alone to Him wert dear.
--E. Mary Grimes

Whatever our faith says God is, He will be. - Mrs C E Cowman.

This time last year, I woke up in the southern. A JHO had put a cannula on my left arm, just at the nook where my elbow was and I'd snagged it in my sleep, so it was as painful as (insert noun here). So, just before I went for my CT scan, a nurse came to flush the cannula and it was all ok. But when the nurse at the scanner tried later, it was sooooooo sore! So, they had to take it out and put another one on my right arm. Only twice has a needle gone into one of my vein and I didn't feel anything except a scratch - this was the second. (The first was when Sandra, the nurse specialist from Ward 24 at the Royal, took some blood to test to see if I had cancer.) That was my first CT scan - "take a breath in and hold your breath". (That's what they tell you to do.) Em... Yeah, I think that time, I didn't bleed all over the floor. The two CTs since, I did. I also bled profusely when they put the cannula in for the MRI... I have good veins. It's strange when it happens, the needle goes in and you feel warm liquid flowing down your arm, and then you realise, "Oh, that's my blood". I always get up and see the big stain on the floor where the nurses hurriedly wiped away my small puddle of blood. Lovely!

Yeah, this time last year, I still didn't know I had cancer....

By this time on this day last year, I'd had an ultrasound and the doctor said that there was something definitely wrong with my ovary. I think I'd just finished and was about to have my lunch. I remember being asked by the auxiliary nurse whether I would need a halal plate and being surprised initially and then thinking, 'oh yeah, I'm Asian'. By 2pm, the staff nurse would have told me that it looks like gynaecological problem and they're tranferring me to the Southern where they'll do a CT scan. Once I got there, I would find out that they can't do one till tomorrow anyway because hospitals like patients to be patient. I liked the southern though. It was the nicest hospital out of all the others - well, I can't give an opinion on Yorkhill or Stobhill, because I didn't get to go there. Maybe next time...

This time last year

So, on this day last year, I woke up and my already swollen, 'pregnant' belly had swollen up to twice it's size so that I looked like I was 8 months pregnant. I threw up most of the morning, feeling quite sick and disgusting, so my mum took me in for an emergency GP appointment, after which I was sent to the Victoria Infirmary for an emergency ultrasound. But, the Victoria being what it is, I didn't get seen till much later in the day and so had to be admitted to have an ultrasound the next morning. This time, I was in a better ward so all the nurses were actually nice. I didn't have anything to read or do so I had to 'entertain' myself with gossip magazines like Heat or whatever else the other ones are called. :-)

I didn't yet know that I had cancer.

God's best, God's will

What is it - God's best? What is God's perfect will and why is it not clearer? And when people say 'God will reward your faithfulness', will that be on this earth and Heaven or just in Heaven? It would be kind of nice to have some reward on earth. Also, does he just give us what we need when He rewards us? Is it on top of all the other blessings like food, shelter, clothing, or is that it? Don't get me wrong, that's more than enough, but is that all?

Anyway... If you could give me your opinion, that would be good.

Thy Road and Thy Staff

Woo! What a great reminder that when we are in difficulty, God has already prepared us for it and He is right there with us! Praise be to the Lord!

"Thy rod and thy staff they comfort me" (Ps. 23:4).

At my father's house in the country there is a little closet in the chimney corner where are kept the canes and walking-sticks of several generations of our family. In my visits to the old house, when my father and I are going out for a walk, we often go to the cane closet, and pick out our sticks to suit the fancy of the occasion. In this I have frequently been reminded that the Word of God is a staff.

During the war, when the season of discouragement and impending danger was upon us, the verse, "He shall not be afraid of evil tidings; his heart is fixed, trusting in the Lord," was a staff to walk with many dark days.

When death took away our child and left us almost heartbroken, I found another staff in the promise that "weeping may endure for the night, but joy cometh in the morning."

When in impaired health, I was exiled for a year, not knowing whether I should be permitted to return to my home and work again, I took with me this staff which never failed, "He knoweth the thoughts that he thinketh toward me, thoughts of peace and not of evil."

In times of special danger or doubt, when human judgment has seemed to be set at naught, I have found it easy to go forward with this staff, "In quietness and confidence shall be your strength." And in emergencies, when there has seemed to be no adequate time for deliberation or for action, I have never found that this staff has failed me, "He that believeth shall not make haste." --Benjamin Vaughan Abbott, in The Outlook

"I had never known," said Martin Luther's wife, "what such and such things meant, in such and such psalms, such complaints and workings of spirit; I had never understood the practice of Christian duties, had not God brought me under some affliction." It is very true that God's rod is as the schoolmaster's pointer to the child, pointing out the letter, that he may the better take notice of it; thus He pointeth out to us many good lessons which we should never otherwise have learned. --Selected

"Thy shoes shall be iron and brass; and as thy days, so shall thy strength be" (Deut.33:25).

Each of us may be sure that if God sends us on stony paths He will provide us with strong shoes, and He will not send us out on any journey for which He does not equip us well. --Maclaren

Marji's goofy foot

So, since Marji and I were bored tonight and she's going snowboarding at Braehead with Michaela, I spent about 5 or 10 minutes pushing her in the kitchen just so she could figure out whether she was 'regular' or 'goofy footed'. I didn;t know left was 'regular'. She doesn't like being goofy. Ah well...

Also, I think it's about time that Marji and I make a public declaration: we are indeed a couple. After 5 and a half years of denial, the last 2 weeks of living together has made it a little too difficult to hide the feelings we have had for each other. Unfortunately, I don't think it comes as big surprise to you since you probably saw it coming. So to prospective suitors for us both: we're taken. Just thought you should know.

Music and the Rest

A good reminder when things aren't going according to 'the plan'. God's in charge of it all.

"Into a desert place apart" (Matt. 14:13).

"There is no music in a rest, but there is the making of music in it." In our whole life-melody the music is broken off here and there by "rests," and we foolishly think we have come to the end of the tune. God sends a time of forced leisure, sickness, disappointed plans, frustrated efforts, and makes a sudden pause in the choral hymn of our lives; and we lament that our voices must be silent, and our part missing in the music which ever goes up to the ear of the Creator. How does the musician read the "rest"? See him beat the time with unvarying count, and catch up the next note true and steady, as if no breaking place had come between.

Not without design does God write the music of our lives. Be it ours to learn the tune, and not be dismayed at the "rests." They are not to be slurred over, not to be omitted, not to destroy the melody, not to change the keynote. If we look up, God Himself will beat the time for us. With the eye on Him, we shall strike the next note full and clear. If we sadly say to ourselves, "There is no music in a 'rest,'" let us not forget "there is the making of music in it." The making of music is often a slow and painful process in this life. How patiently God works to teach us! How long He waits for us to learn the lesson! --Ruskin

Faith

Hello! Once again you'll be getting a real post as opposed to just devotions. I've been thinking a lot about faith recently and how it encompasses every aspect of life. I always thought it had to do only with God, but I've realised that I need it to even believe that my mum loves me, that when I go to bed I'll wake up, that my friends are indeed who I think they are, and so on, and so on. It is quite worrying to realise that once you stop believing in one thing, it's not long before to stop believing anything. I guess that's why it's so unsettling for people with mental illnesses. I don't know though, just thinking as I type.

I've also been annoyed and frustrated at myself because I haven't given up a very trivial part of my life over to God. You'd think that after what happened over the last year, it'd be easier to give my life up to Him and just trust Him with the minutest detail. Here again I see how similar I am to the nation of old testament Israel. The cancer being caught early and not having to have a hystrectomy was my parting of the Red Sea and the strength through chemo was my manna from heaven. Yet after all these miracles, I still doubt that God really cares for me. How can that be so?

I love God and I love the Bible, but I can't discipline myself to spend time with God or studying the Bible. Why is that? I love a lot of my friends and I have no problem spending time with them at all. Why is it so hard with God? Is it because I take Him for granted? Marji's been staying with me at my minister's flat while they're away, but it seems that we don't always make an effort to see each other because we assume we will at some point. Is that the same with God and I?

I was speaking to Paul the other day and he showed me the example of how Christianity is like a wheel; Christ is the centre, with the four spokes being studying the Bible, prayer, fellowship and witnessing, all surrounded by obedience, which is the tyre. Not one part can be removed if the wheel is to be used effectively. How much time do I spend witnessing? I can honestly say next to none. I've been so caught up with worrying that I haven't spent time with God and in the Bible. And my fellowship sucks because Christ isn't the centre.

I don't know why I'm typing this. I just feel that this state of being can't continue anymore because I am starting to feel like I'm suffocating. Maybe that's what 'quenching the Spirit' feels like? I don't know. I guess now that I've realised where I'm at, I have to do something about it. This is just my way of starting to deal with it. Ah well.

Hardship Makes Character

Sorry, not been all that great at blogging... Here's a good devotion for you:

"In all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us" (Romans 8:37).

This is more than victory. This is a triumph so complete that we have not only escaped defeat and destruction, but we have destroyed our enemies and won a spoil so rich and valuable that we can thank God that the battle ever came. How can we be "more than conquerors"? We can get out of the conflict a spiritual discipline that will greatly strengthen our faith and establish our spiritual character. Temptation is necessary to settle and confirm us in the spiritual life. It is like the fire which burns in the colors of mineral painting, or like winds that cause the mighty cedars of the mountain to strike more deeply into the soil. Our spiritual conflicts are among our choicest blessings, and our great adversary is used to train us for his ultimate defeat. The ancient Phrygians had a legend that every time they conquered an enemy the victor absorbed the physical strength of his victim and added so much more to his own strength and valor. So temptation victoriously met doubles our spiritual strength and equipment. It is possible thus not only to defeat our enemy, but to capture him and make him fight in our ranks. The prophet Isaiah speaks of flying on the shoulders of the Philistines (Isa. 11:14). These Philistines were their deadly foes, but the figure suggested that they would be enabled not only to conquer the Philistines, but to use them to carry the victors on their shoulders for further triumphs. Just as the wise sailor can use a head wind to carry him forward by tacking and taking advantage of its impelling force; so it is possible for us in our spiritual life through the victorious grace of God to turn to account the things that seem most unfriendly and unfavorable, and to be able to say continually, "The things that were against me have happened to the furtherance of the Gospel." --Life More Abundantly

A noted scientist observing that "early voyagers fancied that the coral-building animals instinctively built up the great circles of the Atoll Islands to afford themselves protection in the inner parts," has disproved this fancy by showing that the insect builders can only live and thrive fronting the open ocean, and in the highly aerated foam of its resistless billows. So it has been commonly thought that protected ease is the most favorable condition of life, whereas all the noblest and strongest lives prove on the contrary that the endurance of hardship is the making of the men, and the factor that distinguishes between existence and vigorous vitality. Hardship makes character. --Selected

"Now thanks be unto God Who always leads us forth to triumph with the Anointed One, and Who diffuses by us the fragrance of the knowledge of Him in every place" (2 Cor. 2:14, literal translation).