Fear, Anxiety, the Works...

Well, now for something real and something you can believe. I'm afraid and worried about going back into hospital and the few days after when I can't remember who I am. Admittedly, those are the days when I appreciate your prayers most because I have no strength in me to do it myself, so thank you.

The last few days have been hard with the anticipation of the hospital admission and the Bleomycin and for the first time, I found myself pretending I was ok when I really wasn't. I don't know how to tell you how I really feel because it's difficult even for me to understand. I know full well that this is a refining process and that God is using this to bring me closer to him because at times I feel him really close. But even if I didn't feel him near, I have known him long enough to know that every bit of suffering makes it easier to trust God and believe in his perfect will and timing. However, knowing that in your head and even in your heart doesn't make it any easier. And ridiculous as it sounds, especially with the tons of folk who are praying for me all over the place, at times this weekend, I've felt really alone.

I know that ultimately I'm not alone because God is with me all the time, but it is a feeling all the same. I also feel frustrated that once again my life is on hold and I can't do very much. In fact, the more chemo I get, the less I'll be able to do. Frustrating though it is, I know God's changing me from a Martha to a Mary and, like Jonathan said to me tonight, discipline is painful but it's beneficial in the long run. I know when I finally get to Japan and look back at this whole experience I'll be thankful because I'm sure this is equipping me for something God wants me to do in the future. But that doesn't make it any easier.

Tonight I was really upset and ended up putting it on something that was superficial and that, when I finally calmed down and thought about it, was a totally ridiculous notion. But really, this stupid notion was just the last straw for the weekend and I was just bottling my fear and anxiety about the coming week. Praise the Lord for Miriam who always manages to make me see sense and remember the truth I already know! I should've just faced it and not let it accumulate so that I wouldn't let something stupid upset me more than it should've. Pfff.

So you see, I'm not really all that brave, strong, amazing, or whatever great adjective you want to add in here. I'm just doing what I have to do because I trust and know it is all for the best and the greater good, but like I've already said, it doesn't make any of this easy. This is, however, the first time I've been upset since I heard I may have cancer and may have to have a hysterectomy. But that can only be a good thing. Now that I've admitted it, I can move on and draw even closer to God. It's one less barrier between me and him. I know this week will be hard, but I also know God will be with me. That's what makes it all bearable.