I miss men! When I was at uni, I had HEAPS of male friends. It was great! A whole load of different type of men as well. Constantly being around women ALL THE TIME is driving me nuts! I mean, if I wanted to spend any time outside of work with a guy, it would have to be a date. When did it change? Just because we're not at uni anymore means we can't hang out with guys? Why?!

I miss banter! I miss listening to boys going on and on about some technical rubbish that I really don't understand. I miss my boys from CU! Now I only have 2. :( And they live so far away - ok, so technically I'm the one who moved away. Then Jonathan moved to Southampton and now Pete's in Liverpool. Well, I'm in Munich anyway, so...

I don't want a boyfriend. I just want a bunch of guys to hang out with. It's different than hanging out with girls. I kinda feel like I'm sick and tired of it. I need some men! Any suggestions of how can I have some banter with boys without them thinking I want them to be my boyfriend?! :(

So I finally got a bike today. I still find it difficult to start and stop. Especially when I have to wait at traffic lights and then ride again. Hopefully I'll get used to it, otherwise I might end up in an accident! Feels good to be on a bike though. Also, there's a section on the website I use to find out public transport times that gives you routes to use on the bike. You can choose anything from the shortest route to green routes, where it directs you via parks and avenues so it's pretty. I chose one that took me from my flat to a bike shop that I know and it was really pretty. It said it'd take me 26 minutes, but in reality it was more like 45! But I guess that was all the stopping at traffic lights and checking my directions. It didn't take as long going back. But I needed a bike lock, so I thought it'd be best if I cycled to bike shop instead of leaving my bike somewhere and then coming back with my lock only to have it stolen! :D

Think the weather's going to be nice tomorrow too so I might go for another bike ride. There's a park not too far from my flat - like 2 mins on a bike - so I might just cycle round that. I had to go through it today on the way to the bike shop. It should be a lot less tiring than today! :) Plus, it's nice to have a little exercise and be able to explore the area round my flat at the same time. It's a shame that the weather's going to get worse soon though, but hopefully there'll be the occasional sunny day that isn't too cold. :)

I don't know if this is the same with you, but sometimes I feel things so strongly that I feel like I'm going to burst. Right now, what I feel is really, really happy for Rosie and Dave. I spent about half an hour on facebook chatting to Dave about his ups and downs with Rosie and I felt in me every sympathy pang I could and then I was so happy about the end that I actually nearly burst out crying!! 

Dave is one of the loveliest men I know - unfortunately, I only know a few, but Dave is definitely one of them. I remember Dave when I first met him and he was so quiet and he seemed to not have any confidence at all, but the last couple of years at uni, he really came out of his shell and - I don't know if you can use this term with a man, but he - blossomed. I feel so sad that I missed out on it because I was part of his quiet life. At least, I'd like to think I was... Haha! I remember hearing of the Rosie and Dave saga and feeling so sorry that Rosie didn't seem to feel what she should for him. But then, you can't force these things on people. Hah!

Anyway... It's all good now. And I'm really happy for them. But if I'm really honest, I'm happy for Dave most of all. Not just because Rosie's lovely, but because he got what he deserved. After all that heartache, there was such a blessing for him and it took years and years of it! I'm so happy that he's finally happy and I wish them both a long and happy future. :)

The other thing is somewhat selfish: I'm happy that I'm happy for them. Genuinely so because it moves me to tears that they're together. It means I can start to love again after all. I thought I'd lost the capacity to genuinely care for people other than my mum, brother, Marjo, Mim, Jonathan, Pete and Katherine. But my heart's open to Rosie and Dave too. And I hope it'll open up more and more so that I can be the loving, caring Steph I used to be. That'll be nice.

This whole thing has given me hope - hope that I can get back to the way I was, but also hope that maybe I'll be able to find happiness like Dave did. :) Sometimes years of heartache pay off after all. Here's hoping!!

Munich

I'm really happy here. I mean, it's not like I wake up every morning with a smile on my face and thank God that I lived long enough to live in Munich or anything. And also, it's not like I was seriously unhappy before, though to be honest, I was quite unhappy just before I left for Bratislava, so I'm glad I did go.

I wish I could meet some Germans who aren't my students though, but that's proving difficult. I have met a couple through my friend Emma, but yeah, I just need to give myself time. I think it's just cos I have so many things going well already that I expect all the other things to follow in the same speed - all other things being German friends and friends outside of work. But my job is good and my flat is good and my students are lovely and the money will be good in a couple of months when I get a full month's pay!

I can't believe how good it is here, but then, it's only the beginning. Maybe in a couple of years when my contract is finished, I'll hate it, but I can't see why I would right now cos it's lovely. But yeah, early days and all.

Hmmm... That's really all. I'm happy and content here. Think it's going to be a good 2 years for me personally but also for my career.

So I guess that since I have the internet at home and all, I don't have an excuse not to blog. But also this is an excuse to ramble on to a somewhat captive audience. Get ready for those deep thoughts:

When I was at uni, involved with church and CU, I had TONS of friends. I had people around me all the time and there was always something to do or something to be involved in. I had so many people that I cared about. And I mean, genuinely. I really loved these people and now I see that that was a mistake. I wasn't careful with who I felt what for and now I'm really hurt and I can't face going back into that environment because I don't want to be sucked into that again. I realise now that I shouldn't have opened myself up so completely and I really should have held back. It's just that I thought these other people were genuine and really did love me back, but it might have just been a deep sense of fondness at the time, but nothing that had any roots, which is clear now that only 3 of my closest Christian friends are still in contact with me whether I take the initiative or not.

That really hurt, you know. I've kept it inside of me for so long, but it's made me so bitter and cynical and it's driven me away from the church and especially Christians. I just find it so difficult to understand how a group of people who are supposed to love you and care about you don't. Ok, this is a BIG generalisation, but it's hard to be specific without naming specific people and unfortunately, I have a big long list. 

Also, since being out in the 'world', I've learned just how clueless some Christians really are. They want to reach out to this world, but they don't know anything about it! They just have a vague idea. Almost like my knowledge of Australia, which is mainly from Neighbours and definitely not representative of real life there.

No, this is going totally wrong... I don't want to bad mouth Christians. I just finally want to talk about this. It's taken so long! And I am so put off by this experience that I want to do EVERYTHING but go back to the church and hanging out with Christians. 

I want to be a Christian again. I loved God, I really did. I prayed almost everyday and I loved the Bible and I love studying it and talking about it and I loved learning more about it because it brought me closer to God. I miss it! Now he's a complete stranger to me. Now the Bible is just a long collection of words that mean nothing to me. I have NO idea how to get back to where I was with God. Though I guess, it can't be because I've changed.

Do you know how hard this is? People keep telling me just to pray or just start reading the Bible, but I can't. I really can't! It's like looking at someone you used to love deeply and feeling absolutely nothing. Can you imagine how guilty I feel not being able to love God? I feel like such a hypocrite even touching the Bible. I know how it used to feel and I know what it was like to really be close to God. We really did have a relationship and any attempt to 're-establish' that just feels like play acting. And I can't give myself over to God 100% because I don't want to, so I feel like until I can do that, what's the point?

I've spent so much of my life being a Christian or at least being in a Christian environment. In a very real way, I feel much freer outside of it. I like myself more because I'm less self-righteous, I'm more open to people and I'm less judgmental. Otherwise, I'm pretty much the same me. I don't know. I want to go back to God, but I don't know how. I don't know where to start. I've heard it all before. I need something new and real and not some pre-prepared Christian answer. But until then, don't pressure me. It only makes me feel worse. I know that I need to go back to God, but I just want to be ready because I'm going to have to give him all of me and I really can't right now.

So, that's where I'm at with God and Christianity. I have moved on. I am getting over the hurt my church and CU caused me. Slowly. I'll get there. Eventually.

MUNICH!!!

Ok, so I'm terrible. No one reads this anyway, but I feel obligated. Had a really long day today and I'm tired, so I'll keep it short. I love it here in Munich. I finally moved into my flat on Tuesday and it's great. It's so convenient with everything I need nearby. Also, I have the internet in my flat and free calls to the UK. Amazing!! My flatmate seems pretty nice too. My job is also going well - apart from today, when it was a little difficult, but nothing major. The school I'm working for is really good - helpful and supportive and the other teachers are nice. Made some friends and now need to find some extra things to do after work. There's definitely more choice than in Bratislava!

Anyway... I'm happy here. Might be too early to say it, but I'm happy I signed a 2 year contract. I highly recommend Munich to anyone and everyone!

So, I'm back now from Cranbrook. I had enough of the camp by the end. It was too much hard work, but thankfully, the pay was good. I probably would've made about the same temping, so that's great. I'm still waiting for my tax to come back. I think I might have sent it to the wrong address or something, which is annoying, because I'm due a good £500. That'll be nice for the ol' bank account. :)

I'm glad to be home, though I'm fully aware that it's not for much longer. About 20 days till I head off to Munich. I've been looking for flats, but it's quite difficult since I can't meet the landlords or other people living in the flats. So, I'm living in my boss's old flat for 2 weeks when I get there while I look for a flat. It should be much easier. There're loads of flats in the areas I want. It'll be great to be able to look at them and then decide. This way I hope I can avoid living with another Ruth! :D

Everyone wants me to settle somewhere and I know both my parents hope that by having a 2 year contract, I'll finally decide to settle in Germany at least. Well, I can understand that. It's a cool place and it's safe and it's Western and advanced and all that. I know neither of them would've been happy if I decided to settle in Bratislava. It would've done nothing for me. I'd quite like to travel some more. I need to get it out of my system. It's been my dream for far too long to travel round the Far East and then down to New Zealand and Fiji. I'm hoping that that will be my present to myself on my 30th birthday. I'll hopefully be able to save up enough money in 4 years for that! If not, there's always working in Australia until I can travel some more. It'll be a sad, sad day if I just dream it and never fulfill it. I feel like until I get it out of my system, I'll never be able to be at peace and settle anywhere. I just don't know how to convince my parents of that. I'm only young once. Once I have a proper job, a relationship and even a family, it'll be too late to do anything. I don't want to have any regrets.

Of course, the sad thing about all this travelling is that I've already lost so many friends, but I guess they weren't really friends after all if they can't survive a little distance. But the people who matter most to me I know now will almost certainly be always there and that's the most important thing to me. :)

I hope that with all this travelling I'd like to do, I'll finally find what it is I'm looking for. :)

Hello! Sorry! I really have gotten out of the habit of blogging! It's terrible. But also, I've been really busy since coming to Kent. Only got a week and a half to go and it feels like I've been here for longer than 2 and a half weeks. I'm so glad I haven't been teaching at this summer school. It's been nice to have a break, but I've been more stressed than I ever was as a teacher in Bratislava. I think it's because I'm still having a big hassle with trying to find a flat in Munich. I've signed up to a couple of websites and have already emailed loads of folk about their flats, so I'm waiting to hear back, but also I still have to keep looking.

I don't really know what to say. I'm finding it hard to believe that in a month I have to move countries again. I just can't believe it! I don't know how it's going to be in 2 years time when I have to move again. Of course, I might not move. I don't know? Maybe I'll find a reason to stay? Or maybe I'll finally get to go to Japan? Who knows?

If anyone knows anyone at ALL in Munich who is looking for a flatmate or knows where to look for a flat in Munich, that would be great. I've been stealing time out of work here to look for flats. It's really stressing me out. If worst come to worst, I can always move into that extortionate flat that I was offered by company. It just means that for the first year, I won't be able to save any money... I'm not happy with that prospect. Ah well... What makes it more stressful, other than not having any proper time to do it, is that all the ads are in German, so it's good practice, but also tires me out.

Good news is that I bought a new iPod shuffle. It's a wee purple one, so I hope to get it here in the next couple of days. It'll definitely make the journey home more pleasant. Anyway, I've got to go and make sure these kids are asleep.

It's been a while, sorry! I've gotten out of the habit of blogging. Mainly because before very little happened to me and it was easy to document, but now it seems like everything is coming like a flood! Plus, having been used to not blogging - whether for lack of time or opportunity - I've just gotten out of the habit of it...

Well, I got the job in Munich. I have a 2 year contract and I've got to be there for 8 September when my induction begins. The whole experience was very stressful. On Friday, my plane was delayed in taking off. It was there on time, but for some reason, we didn't even get to board until 9.20am, when the plane was to take off at 9.25am! So, I texted my mother to ask her to ring the school to let her know that I'd be late, but she was on her way to Dundee for a funeral and I didn't realise she hadn't been in touch with the school till I got to Munich. So, I texted all my friends who might've been at a computer and they emailed the school. My friend Chris texted me Candice's number, so I managed to call her and reschedule the interview. So, I checked in to the hostel and made my over.

The interview itself took one hour. Most of the time it was Candice asking me questions about my past experience and about me. The last 20 mins or so was me asking her questions about the school and the students. I think that was what made her decide to give me the job - my questions. Simon from Bratislava told me that that's what he liked about my interview - the fact that my questions showed that I was really interested in the job and that I was serious about it. So, phew!

On Saturday, I checked out of the hostel, left my bag in the luggage room and used their map to walk around Munich's main sights. It took me about 4 and a half hours, but I took my time and took pictures at every stage. My pictures are on Facebook. I think most of you are on it, so you can see them. :) It's very lovely in Munich. I think it snows there. Paul, the jobby from Regensburg, said he had a white Christmas in Munich last year, so fingers crossed for lovely snow! I'd love to see the English Garden in the snow! It's so beautiful already, but I bet it's cool covered in snow.

It's amazing how Munich is. Right in the centre - which is pretty big - it's really, really busy, but you only have to walk about 5 or 10 minutes away from it and it's really quiet and peaceful. It's HUGE of course! Much bigger than Bratislava, which isn't very difficult. :) I think there are loads more things to do. It seems like it. Anyway... It's much more modern and much more cosmopolitan than Bratislava, so I'm happy about that. Also, some teachers are leaving, so I might be able to move straight into their flats. Jason, the director, said he'd email me the flat details so I could have a look and see which one I liked. The only problem is that I'd be living on my own. Well, I guess that's a good thing after the Ruth fiasco, but it'll be a wee bit lonely at first. Who knows? It might be good. I just hope I can have a TV/the internet or both. We'll see...

What else? Well, I'm off down to Cranbrook in Kent tonight for a month organising excursions for a summer school down there. I'm working for the same company I've worked for in previous summers, though I think that this might be the last time since I have a 2 year contract and that might mean I carry on right through next summer as well. I'm so happy about being paid in Euros - the exchange rate is so much better. Also, hopefully my bank account in Germany will make it easier for me to transfer money into my UK account... Who knows? All things I'll have to find out and work through.

Well, I'll be away from Glasgow for a month, having only been here for 2 weeks... And then I'll be back for another mere 2 weeks before I set off again. Ah well... That's the life I've chosen for myself. :) x

So, here it is, the end of my time as a teacher in Bratislava. I've cleaned out my desk and now I just have to hand back my keys on Wed before heading off home. Man! It's been one hell of a year. Soooooo much has happened, but I don't know why I'm so surprised. It's always eben that way since my year in St Andrews, through uni and up to now.

My mum's here this weekend. She's arriving tonight and I'll be trying to show her the delights of Bratislava until Wednesday. I've also been enjoying the football and I'm looking forward to the final on Sunday night. It will definitely be one worth watching. Both Germany and Spain have been playing really well throughout the tournament. I hope my mum will let me watch it on Sunday night!! :)

As much as I'm sad to leave, I'm soooo looking forward to having a good wee rest when I'm back at home. I just feel totally exhausted! A few days of being able to do nothing and just sleeping and watching TV will do me the world of good. Too tired write anything else just now. Sure I'll feel more like writing once I'm home. :)

Well, since my last post I have to tell you that I'm glad that my decision about Munich had become more about location, a better salary and more opportunities and less about Paul because he is now seeing someone in Regensburg. Nothing new yet on the job front in Munich because I still have to go for an interview, but try as I might, I can't help but look forward to a different life in Germany. I've already downloaded a programme onto my computer so that I can refresh my knowledge of German. I'm so ready to leave here.

Don't get me wrong. I've loved it here. It definitely has given me a good grounding in teaching and has helped learn what I can and cannot do in terms of teaching. A lot of the things that have happened here, like everything else, have opened my eyes to who I am and what I am capable of. I'm pretty sure I've become more mature and more assertive as well. I think I've also definitely become more open and approachable - both qualities are expected to be present in a teacher.

On another side, I've lived in a foreign country by myself for 9 months. I've adapted to a new lifestyle, a new language, new food, new people, new surroundings and I've survived. It's strange to think about it. As much as I'm looking forward to going home and being around Glasgow, I haven't missed it all that much. It doesn't seem all that bad that I haven't been home since Christmas. Time has flown and I've grown up and grown used to this weird life.

What I have learned here - other than how to teach and who I am as a teacher (of course there's still much more to learn) - is that I have to make more of an effort to do more. I'll have to join classes and meet people outside of work and outside of my flat. I need to do more. As much as it's been nice here, I've found myself completely bored out of my brains some weekends because my teacher friends are busy or because they're broke or because they're tired. I've also learned to take opportunities when they are presented. Even though I have ended up hurt by Paul, I can honestly say that I don't regret having taken the chance. I will make the effort to travel more and meet more people. Certainly I'm very keen to take a German class when I'm there, so that in itself will give me something outside of work to do.

Though I'm trying not to pin all my hopes on a better life in Germany, I know just from the basics that it will be better. For a start, I'll have more money and I'm sad to say that more money inevitably means more opportunities. But also, the teachers tend to be younger and more outgoing in Germany - though I only know this from Lydia's and Chris's experience, though I doubt that'll change much in the next few months. It certainly has been a very strange mix of people here in Bratislava. It's been to sleepy for me and I'd like to have just that little more fun outside of work.

I don't know. I've been content this year and I don't regret my decision to come here one bit. I'm sure once I get home, all the other things I've learned here will become more apparent, but already I feel like I've learned a lot, improved a lot and grown up a lot. Also, I've learned that it's not all that difficult to live and settle in a new country. It is what you make it and I think that I've made it something good for me. But I am hoping that my interview will go well on 11 July and I will get that job! So pray for me, hope with me and keep your fingers crossed because I am ready to move on to bigger and better things. The world is my oyster and I intend to make the most of it!! :)

Nothing special really...

Well, I can't believe how slowly all the days are going. I've only got 4 and a half weeks left here and I know they are going to drag. It feels like the end of the first term when I couldn't wait for Ruth to leave. It's really strange because only a couple of months ago, I was happy to be staying for another year and now I can't wait to leave. I can't wait to go home and see people I haven't seen for ages. I can't wait to got to Kent and meet new people.I can't wait to go to Munich for my interview. I can't wait to go to Munich full stop.

If I'm really honest, it's starting to have nothing to do with Paul. Maybe if it weren't for Paul, I wouldn't have considered Munich and wouldn't have even had the chance to go there, but now, I'm really looking forward to it. It's so much bigger, the money's going to be better, my flat will be nicer, there'll be more choice of what to eat and where, and more opportunities to travel - not necessarily because of location, but more to do with the money. I know, I shouldn't be materialistic, but after living here and just getting by most of the time, the idea of having some extra cash is very, very appealing. Plus, I'll get to finally use the German I spent 8 years learning.

Anyway, I can't wait to leave here. I'll miss it and the people I've met here, but, it really is the time to leave. I feel it in my gut.

NEWS

Hello! I am so, so, so, sorry that I have been really rubbish at updating my blog. I have been so busy at work, but also, not very much has been happening - except until recently of course.

So, I went to Regensburg and had a really lovely time. Also, managed to fit in a day in Munich, which reminds me a lot of Vienna. I loved it. I've started kinda seeing a guy called Paul, who I went to visit in Regensburg. He's very bad at keeping in touch though, so I'm not sure how that's going to work out. But he's coming to visit me in June, so we'll see. Of course, that isn't 100% certain, but it seems very likely.

Other news: Although I've really enjoyed teaching and living here in Bratislava, I've decided that it's time to move on so I'm looking for jobs in Munich. Already had one phone interview, though they'd still like to meet me in person, but they seem pretty keen on employing me. Have another interview in Munich on 11 July and that will be face-to-face. I've been doing really well here though so that's been an encouraging start to my teaching career. My students have given me very good feedback, so it's very satisfying. This interview in Munich is for a job I really want, so keep your fingers crossed for me that I'll get it. They help with settling in and they also are going to give me a full-time contract - if I get the job, of course.

Anyway, thats all really. Have 5 more weeks here and I hope they don't drag. I will try to be better at blogging, I promise!

I"M SORRY!!

Hi! I'm sorry that I've been absolutely terrible at blogging! I can't believe it's actually been three months! Well, I've been really busy but all is fine. My students love me this term and I'm doing really well and I've totally improved as a teacher. I'm happy here. Can't write more. Just wanted to let you know that I've uploaded more pictures onto flickr and they're in clearly marked sets. Enjoy!

Going to Regensburg and Munich from 8-11 May. Exciting! Potentially more exciting news on that front to come. Will let you know!

Pictures!!

Finally, finally, FINALLY!! Here are some pictures at last on good old flickr.
Hopefully the link works.

Went on a good old walk on Sunday round the Stary Mesto (Old City),
over the Novy Most (new bridge) and
down by the Petrzalka side of the river with my
tourist hat on and took some pictures.  When Jonathan
comes this weekend, we'll be going to Devin castle outside
Bratislava and will take some more pictures to
post next week.

There're some lovely places here amongst all the Communist buidings.
Made particularly lovely of course
by the sunshine and the crisp weather.
Pictures of people - including me - coming soon!

Sorry I haven't really written for ages. Not very much
to report really. Christmas was nice and chilled.
Unfortunately, time passed far too quickly and it was
time for me to come back before I knew it. It was
strange coming back here and feeling more at home here
than I did there.

It's been somewhat difficult since
coming back because I've got two 12-hour shifts a week
and that's really tough. It's really difficult giving
100% at 6.15pm when you've been teaching since 8am.
Also, for a couple of Mondays, I've had to teach 4
classes in a row, which hasn't been the best
experience. I have another Monday like that to look
forward to I've had Fridays though, so that's great.

Jenny, another teacher, left without giving
any notice so we've all had to chip in and cover her
shifts, but we've managed to hire a new teacher to
take her place - Lydia from Belfast.Speaking of teachers,
Alexis, has been great. She's such a welcome addition. She's
already had over two years worth of experience - in
Turkey and Vietnam - and she's sociable, hard-working
and easy to get along with. Because Jenny has left,
she's now living with Lydia.

But it's been great living with Sandra. It's like we've
always lived with each other and living Ruth was just
a really bad dream. It's been nice to have a tidy flat
and not have to spend most of the weekend cleaning up
after Ruth. Everything's much more chilled out and I
feel I can relax more.

The weather here has been really weird. There was talk
of it being a particularly harsh winter, but so far
it's not been colder than -6. That was on the day I
arrived and since term started, it's not been colder
than -2. It apparently got -15 a couple of years ago,
and that's pretty bad. A couple of weeks ago, the
temperature has been rising and it was 13 degrees!!
In January in Central Europe?!?! But I can't
complain. I did say that I would stay here another
year if I survived the winter, and since it's not been
all that cold, it looks I might. Haha! I bet next year
it'll be really, really bad, but I don't have to worry
about that till next year. :-) Of course, it could
turn really bad now... Who knows?

My teaching had been a little stale the past couple of
weeks. Well, only for my adult classes. I think that
I've definitely changed my approach to my teen classes
and they have been much better, also this term I
started teaching 7/8-year-olds and that's a new
challenge, but with my adult classes, I hadn't been
doing anything new. We had a lesson planning seminar
at the staff training last Friday, and it was the
first one I really appreciated because it was good to
have to re-assess my teaching method, especially since
the first 2 weeks had concerned me anyway. Managed to
find some new material that was better than the textbook
and it made a difference. Well, on with a new week!

Those who still read this, please be in touch. It'll
be nice to know I'm still thought of. :-)

New Year?!?!?

Hello! I haven't written for ages, I know. I've been home. Coming home was a big hassle because my flight was delayed from the Bratislava end, so I missed my other flight from London. Got the megabus all the way from London though, which wasn't the most pleasant experience, but I got home in the end. :-)

I think it's been a long year and I can't believe it's finally a new one. Not entirely sure what this year will bring. Well, I've got the Slovakian winter to look forward to and then I'll finish my contract and be back in the summer. I've been offered a job with Project International - the people I've worked at summer schools for - so I'll do that and hopefully temp for the rest of the summer. I've said to a few people already that if I survive the winter in Bratislava, I'll stay for another year. It's a nice wee place and if I continue to save - especially with the rise in salary if I continue - I'll be able to see a fair bit of Central Europe, the prospect of which is quite exciting. So, fingers crossed the winter is not intolerable. At least I know that the place I work and my flat are both well heated and well insulated, so I may just have to stay in a lot. :-D

Too many things have happened this year. There was my CELTA course, my temp post at the Mental Health Tribunal, my 2 weeks in Wolverhampton with Project International, then back to the Mental Health Tribunal and then a new life in a new country. That's just the professional side of things. I don't think I could go into what I've felt and gone through emotionally this year. That definitely was too much. I'm hoping that Sandra as a flatmate won't exhaust me emotionally. I doubt it, but I can't help but feel wary. :-)

Well, I feel that I've started so many 'new lives' this year with 3 different jobs and I'm relieved that I'm continuing with one at least and am able to develop the relationships I've formed over there in Bratislava. I think it'll be tough when Sandra leaves at the end of the school year (she's already decided she's going home) and me starting with a whole new flatmate. But I don't have to worry about that till September...

And who would've thought that I would be writing about being in Slovakia instead of being in Japan?! Hah! That was the biggest disappointment I had this year. But it turned out well. And yes, I'm still planning to go to Japan. I've got 2 more years of check ups and being a cancer patient- which equals 2 more years in Europe - then I'll be in the Far East. With 3 years of teaching experience down my belt, it shouldn't be too hard to get a job with JETS. I'll just have to make sure I meet the application deadlines! Well, there are 2 more years before I have to worry about that. :-)

Ok, I'm going to stop babbling. I never thought I'd end up in a place like Bratislava having dreamed only of Japan and the Far East for the last 4-5 years, but it's not bad. Not bad at all. Never thought that anything that happened this year would've happened, but hey, that's life. It's funny how it turns out. :-D

Howdy! I'm so glad that this week is finally over! It has dragged and DRAGGED, but my last class of the week has finally finished and I can go home for a wee nap. :-) I'm not going to Vienna for the Christmas market tomorrow. I'm just too tired. Too many things have been going on in the last few weeks, let alone this week, that I just want a long lie and time to tidy my room, clean my flat and do some laundry. Speaking of my flat, it turns out I will be living with Sandra after all! Woohoo! So, next term will be a lot easier than this term in the flat. Still haven't got my timetable for next term yet, but I hope that I don't start at 8am on the first Monday back, or any Monday of next term for that matter!

Well, that's it really. One more week and then I'm home. Yey!

Hello! I have some good news finally - I've gotten my ID card! Woo! Had to wait the whole day last Wednesday, but today it was only an hour. Woo! Also, I've heard that the phone line will be installed in January. Well, I don't know when in January, but they have 31 days to do it, so hopefully it will be done in that time. :-)

Also, the new girl has been confirmed. It is Alexis and she's from the posh part of Bristol. From her profile on Facebook, she looks like a bit of a party girl. So I don't know what she's going to be like as a flatmate. I have no idea what to expect. But there's been a wee bit of an issue in another flat, so I might end up living with Sandra instead, which I'd much prefer because we both get on really well. But we'll see what happens. She's going to speak to the Director of Studies today.

Um... Not much other news really. Just finishing up the textbook units in class because of the end of term tests next week. But all the units have finished for teenagers, so I have no idea what to do with them now. Pfff! Oh dear. Maybe I can find a video that they'd like to see... For my intermediate teens, Ruth and I are merging our classes and putting them before a DVD with some questions to answer. That's one class sorted out. Phew!!

Anyway, I'm going to look online for some activities for pre-intermediate teens...

Hello! I'm sorry I haven't blogged for ages. The last time I was on my way to that ice hockey match. Yeah, it was fantastic and I had a really good weekend that time. I'm actually going to the ice hockey again tonight. It'll be lots of fun! The atmosphere was brilliant even though I didn't understand the rules.

Basically I'm fine. Found out that I will be getting a new flat mate after Christmas. Well, I just hope she's not as dirty, smelly or messy as Ruth. That'll be fine. Today we had the Open Day for AV - the school I work for - and it was really hectic and tiring. Wish I hadn't said yes to the ice hockey because I'm so sleepy, but I'm sure I'll wake up.

I'll be back home in 2 weeks. That'll be nice. Totally could do with a wee break, but also have my check up on the Tuesday (18/12). Um... Nothing else to report really. Feeling really settled, except for my annoying flatmate. A little disappointed that people haven't been in touch more, but hey... That's life.

Nothing really...

Hello! I don't really have any news. It's been snowing for the past couple of days, so I'm glad I finally bought myself a proper coat last Saturday. I've not really done much except for work because it's been really busy with the new T-Mobile contract we've got. Everybody has had extra hours - except Ruth. I had 2 extra classes so I had preparation to do. Also, we've had some extra work because of the coming Open Day.

But otherwise, I'm fine. I haven't braved church again yet, mainly because I'm a coward. But we'll see. I've also been really tired because of the extra work. But anyway... It has to happen.

Hmmm... I really haven't done much else. I discovered the cinema and that made me happy so I went a couple of times last weekend. I might venture out to it again this weekend, who knows? It's only 3.50 here, so I'm happy! Oh, I'm also going to a Slovak ice hockey match today. Ice hockey's really big here, so we're going to see what the big deal is tonight. Should be interesting since I don't know what the rules are. Hah!

Well, I need to go and get some breakfast!

Finally, the trip to Hungary. We went to a small place called Gyor - the o should have 2 dots above it. It was a pretty wee place and I'd gone there in 3rd year with George and a few CU folk. It was such a big farce from the beginning. I'd gotten the wrong train information and then we ended up having to wait at the station for over an hour. I just st around listening to my mp3 player and Ruth and Sandra went to the 'internet cafe'. I don't know why it's called that because it wasn't a cafe and there were only 2 computers. Anyway, Ruth ended up breaking a chair by sitting on it and had to pay 300 SK for it. She said the chair was sitting right in the first place, but I suspect it's because she weighs about 20 stone. Maybe not as much as 20, but I'm not exaggerating when I say she's between 15 and 20 stone.

Anyway, we finally got there and it was a farce looking for the money changers. Sandra was rushing about everywhere and walking as if she were late for an important meeting and in the end, we got totally lost. It was a good walk though and good for me having to keep pace with her. Ruth, of course, lagged behind. We were really hungry by the time we got back to the centre and just went to the English pub and had some steak. It was really yummy! We sat there for quite a while and then went home.

The train ride back to Bratislava was eventless until we actually got back to Bratislava. We tried to get off at our stop - Ruth and I - but we couldn't get the doors opened. By the time we tried to go to another set of doors, the train had started moving again. I figured it was going to stop at the Bratislava main station, but Ruth was getting really nervous. Anyway, the conductor confirmed what I already knew, so we just waited in our stall. Then this drunk man with a moustache and a cowboy hat came in and started trying to talk to us. He could only say "Hallo" and "Ticket please". Anyway, he eventually left us alone and when we got to the main station, I lost Ruth for a while, cos she got into trouble for smoking in the train station. But it was alright in the end. We got a tram into the centre and then got our bus home. Finally got back at 9.30ish pretty much exhausted. But it was really funny the whole time and no one got annoyed. It was just one of those experiences you have I guess when you're travelling.

I'm sorry that it's taken me so long to to write about it. It's been a busy week and I've had to spend quite a bit of time at home because we had a few leaks in our bathroom and I had to wait for the repair men. Well, it's sorted out now. I'm still waiting for my ID card. It sucks that I can't have a phoneline even until then. AAAH!! Anyway, that's all for now. :-)

Vienna take 2

Hello! Yep, I went back to Vienna again yesterday. Saw even more beautiful buildings. Simon and I walked around for like FOUR hours and saw beautiful building after beautiful building after beautiful building. The weather was really nice yesterday making everything more picturesque than it already was. I was amazed by it all. I have to go back though becuase I think I've only seen a third of it. There are so many more places I want to visit while I'm here - Prague, Budapest and the rest of Slovakia, but I love Vienna so much already that I think I'll just keep going back there every opportunity I get!! It's so much more beautiful than Paris. Sorry Paris lovers, but you'll have to go there and see just how right I am!

There were no classes yesterday because of the Catholic All Saint's Day holiday. I had to come in today for my 8am class even though my students had already told me that they weren't going to be here. What a big jobby! Anyway, I just sat in my classroom for 45 minutes planning my up and coming lessons for my adult classes. They were quite simple lessons because next week, they'll be sitting a test for 2 lessons and then it's feedback and all I have to do is finish the units that they were on. Next week will be a great week since I'll only have to plan for the teenagers and my 8am Friday class. I suppose I won't be so happy when I have all those test papers to mark, but it'll be nice to go home not be absolutely exhausted as usual. :-)

Tomorrow I'm off to Gyor - it should have 2 dots above the o, but I can't seem to insert it... I was there 3 or 4 years ago for an evangelism conference with George and a few other CU folk. It'll be nice to go back. It's a quaint wee town and if the weather's nice, it'll be pretty. It'll be a big contrast from Vienna though since it's only a wee place. I wonder how much it's changed in the last few years? The last time I was there, everywhere I went looked like a postcard picture. Hope it's still the same.

Oh, they've already started setting up the Christmas markets in the square in the Old Town. Exciting! I can't wait. I saw the pictures of them on-line before I got here and it looked so Christmassy and lovely. Woohoo! It'll be nice looking at and walking round all the stalls while sipping on some mulled wine. :-)

One last but important piece of news: NOVA, the company I was going to go to Japan with, have collapsed financially. 2000 teachers are out of a job, haven't been paid and have no money to get home from Japan!! That could've been me!!! So, I'm glad I'm here. Phew! Even if I do have the flatmate from hell... :-D

Church

So, I finally made it to church on Sunday. Phew! Found it alright. I can't tell you whether it was good or bad because I didn't have the right headphones and so had to sit to through the whole service not understanding one word!! I couldn't leave either because I was sitting in the middle of the row and it was full on each side of me. I was disappointed that nobody even made an effort to talk to me. I was really early and was sitting on my won for ages not really knowing what to do with myself. I guess in that respect churches don't differ from country to country. It's a shame that there aren't more Jennys or Margarets.

This week we have Thursday off and so I'm happy to have a wee extra break. I thought about going away for the whole weekend, but it isn't going to happen. Just going to a small town in Hungary for the afternoon on Saturday. Maybe make it away at some point. Hopefully to Prague. Staying in Vienna for a whole weekend might be a little too expensive, though maybe I should just save up?

Anyway, things are going well, more or less. Really tired all the time, but I guess it just shows I'm working hard. Pay day again on Friday. Woohoo!

Vienna

Hello! I know you're all dying to know about Vienna, so here I am posting about it. Well, I didn't get off to a very good start. I was being a bit of a smart ass and I thought the station was a lot closer than it was to where I lived, so I decided to walk there. Then I got lost and had to take the bus anyway and then I missed the train by one minute. I would've made it as well if I'd known where passport control was... So then I had to wait for an hour till the next train, but it came on time and it was well fancy!

When I got to Vienna, it was absolutely FREEZING and raining. I walked for about 45 minutes heading towards the centre and then started to look at buildings. I did start to take pictures, but soon ralised that I wouldn't be able to get very far if I took pictures of every amazing piece of architecture I saw. It was beautiful and I'm going to go again. Hopefully the weather will be better in a couple of weeks...

I wish I could describe everything, but all I can say was that the buildings were beautiful - spectacular, even! Never seen architecture like it. The layout of the city was similar to Paris. I loved it! It was also brilliant going up to monuments and buildings and reading the inscriptions and being able to understand them. So happy that I could use German still! Also, it was brilliant going into a cafe and being able to understand the waiters and the menu and being able to order in a complete sentence!

Another teacher - Simon - and I were thinking about going by boat to Vienna next time because we could just sail up the Danube, but unfortunately, the boats don't run regularly in the winter and they're quite expensive. Ah well... Might be something to try next year - maybe in the summer... But I think I'm going again in a couple of weeks or so - by train - and this time I'll print off some directions to particular places. It'll be cool.

I definitely recommend going to Vienna, but you need a LOT of time. :-) Come visit and we could go together!!

Um...

Hello! Nothing to say really. Just that I got paid today and I went to the bank to put the money into my Slovak account. I went with my purse and the money - it's just across the road from the school. So, I get there and they ask for my passport. I had my bank card with me and I only wanted to put money in to the account, but I couldn't until I had brought my passport in. Man, I usually have my bag with me and my passport in it! Anyway, I had to traipse all the back to the school and get my blooming passport before I could money in! Ridiculous!

In other news: I am going to go to Vienna for the day. At least I hope so. I'll definitely go if the weather's nice. I'll be going on my own, but that way I'll have some peace from Ruth and an excuse not to go out that night since I'll be far too tired. Heehee! Then I can go to church on Sunday. Woo! And make some friends finally! :-) It'll be weird going to Vienna! I'm so excited! It's only an hour away from where I'm staying. I'll take lots of pictures, but I won't be able to post them until I get the internet in my flat. Which will probably be never. :-( Haha! Just a few more weeks!

Hello!

Hello! I'm so sorry I haven't written for ages. It's mainly because nothing much has happened... I wake up, teach my 8am class, plan for the next day, my teens and my 4.45pm class, then I teach my teens and my 4.45pm and I go home. On the weekends, I sleep in, I clean up after my flatmate Ruth (this is turning me into quite a good housewife actually, but it annoys me how dirty and messy she is!!) and then I read. A couple of Saturdays we've gone out, but I hate it. It's no fun being cramped into a crowded space and having Ruth dance AT you. Nope. I have yet to make it to church on Sunday... Mostly I've been sleeping in, and then planning my lessons, grocery shopping and more reading!! Woo! This is of course broken occasionally when Phil, my director, lends me one of his DVDs, then I really go wild!!

Just a hint of sarcasm there for ya...

Seriously man, I need a life outside of work, outside of the flat and outside of Ruth. As someone to hang out with, Ruth's alright, btu I have to hang out with her ALL THE TIME and work with her also. I need some other friends!!

See, this is why I haven't written for ages. There just hasn't been anything to say... I'm fine though, just a little bored. :-)

Woohoo for the Weekend!!

Hello! Thought I should post again before the weekend. Not really much to say really except that I'm glad another week is over and I don't have to teach again for another 2 days. Phew! Also, that I feel weird about having my birthday with no-one really to celebrate with. Well, sure there are the other teachers, but if I were in Glasgow, at least I could be with my mum and maybe some friends... Ah well. I guess I'm only thinking that because I'm a little homesick. I always miss home more at the weekend than during the week. Probably because I don't really have time to think about anything other than teaching and planning lessons during the week, oh, and sleeping as well. :-)

Em... Yeah, I'm going to go to this church that is near the school on Sunday. I have no idea what to expect, but they do have an English service, so that's something. Yeah, I never thought I would miss Christians, but I do. That's a horrible thing to say, but what I mean is, when I left, mass gatherings of Christians really scared me because well, I was sick of being patronised just because I was struggling with my faith. I guess I haven't really made any firm decisions, but more and more I see that I am more on the Christian side than any other. Certainly the more I hear about other religions, the more I see the Christianity is the way.

Yup, I'm going to go now and buy a copy of Pascal's Pensees. See if Pete keeps his promise to study it with me over the year - via email of course.

Bye!

Activities?!?!

Hello! This is an appeal for ideas. You know the game Mafia? My young teens LOVE it! I'm wondering if any of you might know of a game like Mafia that teenagers might like? I'm sure they'll get sick of it soon enough and I have no idea what to do with them then... Eek! My young teen are adorable, but the older ones are a pain in the ass! Well, only 5 of them, but still...

Teaching is so exhausting! I love my last class of the day and it's a great way to end each day. Plus, planning for them is great because I know them well enough now to know what they like and what they don't like. I think I'm getting there with the morning class too. They intimidate me a little though... I don't know if I'll ever get used to the teenagers... Goodness! I hope I get tot he point where I enjoy teaching here. I did at the end of my course.

I think I'm just having a bad day... :-S

Teenagers?!?!?!

Just a quick post to moan before I go on to teach another class: I did CELTA specifically so that I could teach adults and only adults because not only do teenagers not want to learn, but they definitely do NOT want to learn English!! My teenage classes are my lease favorite classes in the day. I could do without them.

Right, off to teach my class of the day. Lovely Intermediate adults. Phew!

Another week of teaching...

The first week here was exhausting and was full of teaching, planning lessons and teaching again. My flatmate and I both finish at 6.30pm and then when we get home, if we don't have any more planning to do, just collapse in a heap of exhaustion. We both feel like losers because we're too tired to even to go to the cinema or out for a drink! But I've been assured that this isn't the case once you get into the hang of things. Well, I hope that's soon because by the end of last week, I just didn't want to get out of bed since I was sooo tired!

Had a fairly restful weekend though. We did go with some Slovak girls to a Harley Davidson bar in the middle of nowhere. I was expecting rock music at least, but they played cheesy 80s stuff and then in the middle of all that played Rammstein, which was then followed by Thriller!! It was bizarre. Plus the DJ was a creepy old man! Eugh! By about 1 in the morning, the music got a bit better. I really didn't want to be there. When I first went out, I thought we'd just be going for a couple of drinks and home again. I wasn't prepared for not getting home till 3am!! I would've left sooner, but I didn't know where I was and didn't particularly want to wander about Bratislava on my own in the middle of the night, so I stayed. Slept most of Sunday, then went grocery shopping, read for a while and then planned my lesson for Monday.

So glad for the weekend though. It was good just doing things like cleaning my kitchen, laundry and just reading. I really feel better for it and feel prepared for a new week ahead. Though by Wednesday, I'll probably be longing for the weekend again. Speaking of the weekend: It's my birthday on Sunday, so I fully expect that those of you who've got my address should send me a card! :-P I'm allowed to make demands, I think, since I'm going to have to celebrate my birthday all alone in a foreign country. Heehee!

Lastly, those of you who pray for me, please pray I find a church nearby and some good Christian friends soon. That would great! Ok, back to work now!

Teaching

Hello! I can't believe I'm teaching 3 classes a day! My classes first thing and last thing in the day are really nice. I have teenagers in the afternoon and they're CRAZY!! But some of them are cute. I'm sure I'll get to used to them in time. :-) I can't believe how much time it takes to plan all these lessons! I was expecting it, but still... I was so spoilt during my CELTA course because we had so much time to do everything! Anyway, I'm sure I'll get into the swing of things. All the teachers that have been here a while say it gets easier to plan as the terms go on, so hopefully by Christmas it'll be almost second nature.

Someone asked if I could post pictures of where I live and I will. Once I get the internet in the flat sorted and then I'll be able to upload my photos from my laptop. I'll take some pictures of the old town too.

Well, I'm going to go back and do some work now before I have to face the dreadful teens!

Bratislava

Hello! This is the first proper time that I've been able to blog. Been able to check emails, but for some reason blogger was really slow. Anyway... So, I'm in Bratislava. For a capital city, it's pretty small. It's really beautiful though. Had a walk around the old city yesterday and yeah, it's really beautiful. Most people go home at the weekend and do it's pretty quiet here. My flat is nice. very 70s looking and set among a whole load of communist built flats. They would be intimidating if it weren't so green all over the place and peaceful. It's been really hot here the last few days, but today it's a little chilly. Still not freezing or anything though, so that's ok. In a couple of weeks, I'll hopefully be able to have the internet in my flat, so that will make things a lot easier.

I don't really know what else to say really. Just taught my first class. It's a lot less intimidating since I'm not being assessed. I have to start at 8 everyday though, but because the buses are so regular and we don't live that far away from the school, I can leave at 7.30 and get in for plenty of time. My next class isn't till 3.30 though, so I might just do some photocopying and go home for a little while.

Bad news

Oh dear... I just found out that Ruth and I are not going to be living in a nice, lovely flat. We've been moved to a rather horrible sounding one. I'm not sure what's happened or why we've been moved. Ruth didn't even know that we were being moved until Friday. No more balcony and no more living room. I've emailed Simon - my boss - and asked him to clear up the situation. Lovely! At least it's free. I hope the heating works during the winter. My mum's really annoyed about it. What can I do now? I just have to deal with it. All part of the experience, right?

Looks like there will be no room for visitors I'm afraid. :-( I just hope this isn't what the whole year is going to be like...

I'm leaving in a day

Hi! I've not been a really good blogger for ages. Sorry! Not really had much to say since nothing much has happened since getting accepted to Bratislava. So, I leave in a day. I can't quite get my head around it. People keep asking me if I'm ready, but I have no way of actually knowing that. I'm going to miss quite a few people very deeply, but this time of leaving I think will show me who my real friends are. That's quite a blunt statement, isn't it?

I'm going to try my best to blog while I'm away, but as I've said before, I'm not sending round mass emails, though I might just send one letting people know I've arrived safely and things like my address... I'm hoping to get the internet in my flat, but I'm not sure how much of a possibility that really is. I'll know more when I'm there. I got emails from my flatmate pretty much everyday - the girl in Bratislava - so I guess there must be a few places around where I can send and receive emails.

I'm getting to the stage where I just want to get there and get it over and done with - like ripping of a band-aid/plaster. I'll feel better once I know what I'm doing and where everything is. I am just hoping for really good friends. They make such a difference to everything and as many things I can bring from here to there, I can't bring my good friends, so I rerally need to make some new ones. I'm pretty easy to befriend, so I'm sure it won;t be long. :-)

Ok, not really sure what to say now... I'm on facebook and bebo, so if you want to, keep in touch that way. If not, I guess I'll see when I see you. Goodbye!

Leaving Party

Hello! I don't know who reads my blog anymore, but if you do, you're one of my friends and are still in Glasgow, please come to my leaving party on Saturday 8 September at the Primary on Woodlands Road from 7.30pm!

Thanks!

I'm leaving!!!

Woohoo! I'm going to Bratislava on 18 September. Yup, just about 6 weeks!

I know, I know. I was all excited about Poland and the school seemed like a good place and the town sounded nice, but at Bratislava, I don't have to pay rent or bills for a year. Plus, they pick me up from the airport, refund me half my travel costs, I get to teach a wide range of courses - from beginner to exam level, I am only 1-2 hours away from Vienna, Prague, Budapest and Bucharest... It goes on and on. Sounds nice. Plus, if anyone wanted to visit, it's a lot easier to get to than where I would've been in Poland.

So, my tickets are booked. Really cheap. Need to save up some money so that I can pay for the excess weight on my luggage! No idea what to take and what not to take. EEK! Going to start packing bit by bit.

Found out about my flat today too. Thought I would have a flat to myself, but turns out I'll be sharing. Ah well... Hope my flat mate it nice. :-S It's apparently a nice flat - 2 bedrooms, a living room, modern and fully furnished is all I've been told. Presumably it has a bathroom and a kitchen too. By the way, anyone know where I can get an adapter for European plugs? I'll need a couple I think before I go. :-)

It's all happening so quickly, but I like it. There'd be nothing worse than temping forever. Good to finally be doing what I want to, even if it's not the country of my dreams. Ah well... These things happen for a reason, right? I'll get to Japan eventually. I just hope I remember how to plan lessons and teach!!

Wish me luck!

(Oh, I hope to be keeping my blog up to date while I'm away. If not, I'm on facebook. If you want to know how I'm getting on, just ask. I won't be sending round mass emails. See ya!)

Moving on up!

Yo! I have some good news at last. Since coming back from my summer school in Wolverhampton, I've been more determined than ever to get off my backside and get myself an EFL job even if it means no Japan. So, I applied for 7 jobs on Monday and Tuesday and have since had 5 different schools say they're interested!! Out of all 5, the one I most like the sound of is in Poland. Had my phone interview today and I think it went pretty well. Never can tell with these things and even less so on the phone! Lady was really nice though and I kept speaking to her as if I'd already gotten the job. Poor Chris is going to miss me, but hey... I was never going to be around for long. If all goes well, I'll be in Poland for 24 Sept! Exciting! Only have 6 more weeks here and I can finally leave and do what I've been desperate to do for FOUR YEARS!!! Teaching. Bet I'll hate it though once it starts! Haha!

You can't begin to imagine how relieved I am that my life is finally moving forward and going somewhere. I thought I may have been stuck in the Mental Health Tribunal forever and all my work at CELTA was going to go to waste. Not so though. Even if I don't get this job in Poland (I'll hear at the start of next week), there's still an interview for Bratislava tomorrow and one on 17 August for a school in Germany. All of them start at the end of Sept/beginning of Oct. Can you believe that I can finally start living my dream? Oh God, I hope this is not just false hope! It's the first time I've been happy and excited about something in months. Phew!

Fingers crossed. Will let you know when I know more!

Back in sunny Glasgow!

Sorry I haven't written for a while...

Quick update: My faith is not there anymore, I can honestly say. The past two weeks I was in Wolverhampton at a Project International camp and went a bit crazy. Didn't do anything majorly wrong, but definitely wouldn't have done half the things if I'd been here among Christians. In a way, it was good because I got too see who I was without God and got a fair idea of just how bad things could get if I didn't sort myself out. On the other hand though, I had a really good time, but I don't think I would continue to behave int hat way. Essentially, I am still the same Steph, but all the things that were good in me definitely came from God and part of me, though it is getting smaller everyday, still wants it back. I don't know though. It's tough.

I don't know. I think part of me did it to be accepted or something? I do know that over the last couple of years I've become progressively lonelier and lonelier still. And the fact that I have no direction at the moment has thrown me completely. I am lost ina lot of ways. I hope I do find some way back to rationality and reason though, but it'll take time and effort and I hope I will kick myself up my backside and actually do something about it. But with no direction, it's hard to be motivated.

All of this is really affecting the way I look at myself - who am I, what do I look like, am I pretty, how do others perceive me.... All these things are floating around in my head. I don't know what I'm looking for. When I was sure about God, I was sure about who I was and where I stood in the world. Well, not exactly, but I knew I was part of God's plan and I knew it was best. I long for that place, but it'll take such a long time to get back there...

Good to be home though. Looking forward to sleeping in my own bed!

Sayonara Japan

So, I've decided to give up on Japan. The company I applied to - NOVA - were told this week by the Japanese government to suspend recruitment of new students for 6 months because they lied to prospective students about their facilties. I called them when I read the news on the Japan Times on Thursday to ask if this affected my application, but they said no as they are still allowed to renew contracts with existing students. Still, I am quite dubious. It's a pretty serious thing when the government orders you to do something and my guess is that the students won't all rush to renew their contracts. Since Japan is on the other side of the world, I'd like to go there being 100% sure of my company, but I'm not. I don't want to end up stranded on the other side of the world, so I'm not going yet. Plus, I feel like maybe I'm not ever supposed to go. The last time I wanted to go, I had cancer and now the company appears to be suspect. Plus, there was all this hassle about my primary school and how they lied about when I would hear back. It's not never, I suppose, but definitely not for a while.

It's quite difficult to think of what else to do because for the last 4 or 5 years I've wanted to teach English as a foreign language and to teach it in Japan. I guess I really can go anywhere and I should try Europe. Since Thursday I've been thinking that since I need regualr check-ups still that maybe Europe would be best because then I could save money on health insurance as I could just fly back for my appointments. They're now every four months and soon will be every six months, so that should be manageable. Also, the place I'm working at now said that they'd be able to offer me work till maybe Christmas, so that sounds good too.

How do I feel about having to give up Japan yet again? I don't know. I'm not entirely surprised. It seems everytime I want something that it's almost a guarantee that I'm never going to get it. It seems that everyone else gets what they want, but I'm the one who has to be patient and wait. But what exactly am I waiting for? Part of me is frustrated because the last few months would've been different if I'd known I wasn't going. And I hate the fact that everyone is going to feel sorry for me. "Poor little Steph. I hope something works out for her soon."

I think that maybe I should change the picture for my blog too. I'll have to change the title too, eh? No use having a Japanese themed blog when I'm not going to get there for a while... Pfff! I have no idea what to do now and no motivation to find out. I don't want to be one of those people who are always living in the future and so don't appreciate their present. I'm little Steph and there's a big world out there. I just hope one day I get to see it.

Where is my faith?

You know, up until this week, I thought I was just struggling as a Christian and struggling with my relationship wih God, but after speaking to Julie today, I realised that it is deeper than that. I have lost my faith and in doing so have lost my hope. People always ask what difference does knowing God make to anyone's life, well, it gave me hope and now that I haven't got it, life's outlook is hopeless to me. I was kidding myself and perhaps others too, but I was never kidding God. How do you get faith back once you've lost it?

On another note, my interview was alright on Thursday for NOVA. I just answered the questions as best as I could and I'll hear by the end of the week. Or the start of next week. Who knows? It's quite tough knowing how to respond when people say that they think there's no reason why I shouldn't get the job. It's quite tough as well trying to show someone who doesn't know you that you are the right person for the job and that this is something you seriously want to do and it isn't just a pipedream. I don't know. I just have to wait and see...

Somewhere I know that this isn't a surprise to God and in some way he isn't distant. He knows, I guess, that in the long run this will be good for me because it'll have been something I decided for myself and not just something I have been told to believe. With this I just have to wait and see as well, but I still have to keep looking. :-)

150th POST!!

Well, I suppose it's about time I blog again... I've been lazy with it because I've been sooo ridiculously tired. I think I may be anaemic. Not exaggerating or being a hyperchondriac. I have been slightly anaemic since my treatment, so it's not a total jump... I kept fainting the other night and my GP thinks it might have been a moment of low blood pressure. But we won't know for sure I guess... My GP's going to give me a check up next Tuesday, so I'll know then.

As for spiritual health: I can't say I've made any progress. I have no idea whatsoever how I'm supposed to rely on God for strength. I had a problem with that even when I was sure I was a Christian. The only time I got it right was when I had cancer and I'd rather learn how do it when I'm well than just be critically ill just so I can know God better. I think I'm just where I was - I know that I cannot live without God and that I want to be a Christian. But I have no idea whatsoever of how to live with God - how to be a Christian.

My problem is that I have always looked to other Christians as an example. Now the fact that Paul said to follow him as he follows Christ makes so much sense. Even Paul wasn't the 'right' example. Only Jesus. But I have no idea how to do that since the gospel stories are so familiar, they fall on deaf ears. But I also get distracted by Christians, expecially those that make me cringe to be associated with. That also is a 'plank in my eye' problem... Sandyford has been going through Matthew and they've been really well done sermons - very expansive, information and helpful. My problem is in application... I just have to wait and see, I suppose...

I guess I'm never really going to be 'sorted out', but I do want to be at a place where I know that God is definitely there...

Interview and revelations...

First of all, I just want to let you know that I heard from NOVA today and my interview is in Edinburgh on 31 May!!

Next, here is what I've learned about God:

I've recently discovered that EVERYONE is selfish - that is why we sin. The person I love most in my life, no matter what I may think, is me. That's why the law can be summarised with just 2 commands - love the Lord with all your heart, soul and mind and love your neighbour as yourself. There's no room in either of those for just 'ME'. I've also realised that that is all you need for marriage. Us Christians have a tendency to complicate things and complicate rules but we forget what Jesus told us in the Sermon on the Mount. If that is all we need for life, that is all we need for marriage. I've put up with this lie that you have to be somehow spiritually 'superior' to be 'ready' for marriage for too long, but I've since realised that these are both lies. When you approach anything, it's about your heart attitude and you're never 'ready' to do it, just ready to learn from it. That's what God's been teaching me.

All the 'lies' I was talking about, they were very loud at Calvary and I kept thinking there was something wrong with me. There was some other stuff that made me think that maybe I wasn't actually a Christian because I wasn't seeing things like everyone else was. I have since seen that the only thing wrong with me is sin and the only person who can do anything about it is God. Everything really is that simple. And like Chris Hoy told me, all those months ago, all I need to be a Christian is to believe that Jesus is the son of God and that Him dying on the cross freed me from sins and in doing so opened the way up for me to have a relationship with God. Doctrine doesn't matter - of course, we have to obedient to God, but that comes down to what I said above, if we love God and other people more than ourselves, we'll sin less (all with God's help of course).

Since realising all this stuff, I do feel free and I do feel like I finally understand how Jesus' yoke is light. It is. We Christians get in our own way. It's quite absurd. Oh well. Learning to love God and everyone else more than I love myself is going to be tough, but it is a LOT easier than trying to be like all the other Christians. I have to find my own way of relating to God. The Pursuit of God has really helped with that. What an eye opener! I highly recommend it - along with Mere Christianity. They really set out Christianity and relating to God in such a straightforward way. But I also highly recommend the Bible. It's all about grace and God's help. Love the Lord your God with your heart, soul and mind, and love your neighbour as you love yourself. There is true wisdom in both these commands. It is ALL you need.

That's it.

Off to Japan...?

Well, FINALLY I've sent off my application to NOVA. I sent it off yesterday and have been checking my email every five minutes since. Guess it'll take a while before they get back to me, but I'm so excited!! It all seems so surreal. I am kinda worried about it as I had cancer and so that might affect my health insurance, but I hope it'll all work out...

Work was hectic today because most of the staff were on strike. I had to do a lot, but it was fine because before I knew it, it was 4.30 and then once I finished what I had to do, I could go home. Phew!

Also, A Life Less Ordinary arrived in the post today! Woohoo! It's my favourite film in the whole world!! Those who haven't seen it have to. It's hillarious! Heehee!

Had a good weekend with regard to learning things about God, but more about that later. I'm off to watch my DVD. Anyone who wants to borrow it should. I'm going to make you watch it anyway. :P

No life without God

Over the last few days I've been wondering how people cope without having God in their lives. I've been struggling with having a relationship with God over the last few months because I'm not sure exactly what being a Christian means anymore. I have spent far too much time looking to Christians for guidance and it led me to be disillusioned about my faith in general because I was looking to man and not God. For a little while it made me even wonder about whether I was even a Christian. I read some parts of my blog from this time last year and I was amazed at my faith then, but also amazed at how far from it I am now!

I've had to cut some ties with some people I really love recently because I need to be in a place where I don't have any distractions. I have to work this out on my own, obviously with God's help, but that makes this whole walk so lonely. I do feel incredibly empty and alone because I've forgotten what it means to have a relationship with God. I don't know where to start. And for the life of me, I can't understand how people can ignore the gaping whole in them! It's only been a few months and without God my life seemed so empty and pointless. There's just no meaning in anything and no purpose to anything. Everyday began and ended the same - thankless and empty. I knew I had to do something about it - I just couldn't take it anymore.

My lesson learned so far is that if I want to learn how to be a Christian, I should look at Jesus and not other Christians because - this is fairly basic stuff - Jesus is God and people are just people. I read Mere Christianity and I'm reading the Pursuit of God on the train to work. Think I might look at Mark and study Jesus afresh. I've been through enough to know that I don't want a life without God. No thanks. I don't understand why anyone would.

Exploding toilets

I'm sorry I haven't blogged for ages. This new job is not like the other. I have access to the internet, but it dooesn't let me onto blogger. :-( I do want to say more, but instead I'm going to go with a cop out and post a link about exploding toilets instead.

New Job

Hello, hello! I started my new job today and it was soooo busy. How brilliant! It's a stress filled job and is constantly on the go. Brilliant! So great to be working somewhere that gives me work to do. People seem really nice too. Only downside is that I have to leave the house at 7.45 every morning, or it could be earlier... I'll know for sure tomorrow. Ah well... All the travelling means I have more time to read.

Oh dear, I'll have to remember to actually submit my application to NOVA soon otherwise I may never get to Japan... I know some of you would be happy if I didn't go though. Hee hee hee!

No hair? Get a wig!

Just taking a stroll down memory lane. This time last year, Andrea came over with Hugo and shaved my head. And now my hair is lovely and growing nicely. :-)

Also, I started chemo on 10 April last year, but this year, I'll be starting my new job. What a year it's been!

Today I got to do something nice for someone I care about a lot. I'm glad I can make someone happy. :-) Yey!

Rely on God, not Self!

Wow! What a challenge, rebuke, but also an encouragement!

"Behold, all ye that kindle a fire, that compass yourselves about with sparks: walk in the light of your fire, and in the sparks that ye have kindled. This shall ye have of mine hand; ye shall lie down in sorrow" (Isa. 50:11).

What a solemn warning to those who walk in darkness and yet who try to help themselves out into the light. They are represented as kindling a fire, and compassing themselves with sparks. What does this mean?

Why, it means that when we are in darkness the temptation is to find a way without trusting in the Lord and relying upon Him. Instead of letting Him help us out, we try to help ourselves out. We seek the light of nature, and get the advice of our friends. We try the conclusions of our reason, and might almost be tempted to accept a way of deliverance which would not be of God at all.

All these are fires of our own kindling; rushlights that will surely lead us onto the shoals. And God will let us walk in the light of those sparks, but the end will be sorrow.

Beloved, do not try to get out of a dark place, except, in God's time and in God's way. The time of trouble is meant to teach you lessons that you sorely need.

Premature deliverance may frustrate God's work of grace in your life. Just commit the whole situation to Him. Be willing to abide in darkness so long as you have His presence. Remember that it is better to walk in the dark with God than to walk alone in the light. --The Still Small Voice

Cease meddling with God's plans and will. You touch anything of His, and you mar the work. You may move the hands of a clock to suit you, but you do not change the time; so you may hurry the unfolding of God's will, but you harm and do not help the work. You can open a rosebud but you spoil the flower. Leave all to Him. Hands down. Thy will, not mine. --Stephen Merritt

According to Our Faith

This was a help and a challenge all at once:

"According to your faith be it unto you" (Matt. 9:29).

"Praying through" might be defined as praying one's way into full faith, emerging while yet praying into the assurance that one has been accepted and heard, so that one becomes actually aware of receiving, by firmest anticipation and in advance of the event, the thing for which he asks.

Let us remember that no earthly circumstances can hinder the fulfillment of His Word if we look steadfastly at the immutability of that Word and not at the uncertainty of this ever-changing world. God would have us believe His Word without other confirmation, and then He is ready to give us "according to our faith."

"When once His Word is past,
When He hath said , 'I will,' (Heb. 13:5)
The thing shall come at last;
God keeps His promise still." (2 Cor. 1:20)

The prayer of the Pentecostal age was like a cheque to be paid in coin over the counter. --Sir R. Anderson

"And God said…and it was so." (Gen. 1:9.) - Mrs C E Cowman

Can someone please explain to me why earthly circumstances can't affect the fulfilment of His word, but He only gives us according to our faith? Doesn't that mean that we can affect the fulfilment of God's word?

The girl who had cancer and still smiles

This time last year, I was recovering in hospital. The weekend nurses were horrible and they also kept promising that I would be moved to one of the ward rooms instead of being in the ward you went into after an operation - recovery? Anyway, I had had my catheter removed and could walk up and down the ward. I could even bathe myself - amazing! I remember being in such a bad mood though because I felt better and just wanted to go home. I know Drs Davis and Burton were surprised that I was well enough to go home only 4 days after major surgery, but I was stubborn and I was determined to go home. Plus, the food was horrible in Ward 24 and they hardly gave you any vegetables or fruit - not even fruit juice in the morning! I had such a big craving for fruit juice when I got out. :-) The thing that amused me about having my catheter removed was that I forgot what it was like to need a pee. Also, for a couple of days, I couldn't pee without the tap running! Heehee!

I can't believe it was all only a year ago! It feels so strange, but I'm so glad it's over. I really hope it doesn't come back!

This time last year, I was admitted into Ward 24 so I could get ready for my surgery on the Thursday. I was told that I definitely had cancer and by the grace of God I had decided that I would have a hysterectomy if it was needed. Man, I look back and I can see that complete trust and faith I had in my loving Father. I would give anything to be in that complete peace and rest I was then. I realised juist how much I wanted to have children, but I could give it up because I knew my Father in Heaven knew best. I miss that peace and trust and I'm ashamed that it took something as awful as cancer to bring me to a point of rest in His will. I'm ashamed because right now I'm fine and my 'troubles' are nothing; trivial in comparison. But I'm finding it difficult to let go and to trust the Father that I was so sure was loving just a year ago.

Reading the Old Testament, particularly Exodus and Judges, where God showed His faithfulness time and again, and the Israelites still lost their faith and went back to other gods, I can't help but see me. I used to think that they were foolish. How could they who saw first hand the power, might and awesomness, but also the grace, love and mercy of God, turn away from Him? Well, I ask the same of myself. How could I being in the very arms of God just a year ago have walked away from that place? How could I have lost my faith in the Faithful? I have no idea how to get that back. I just hope that I do soon.

Cancer

This time last year, my mum and I went to Ward 24 of the Royal Infirmary - the gynaecological oncology ward. On the Wednesday, I'd been called by Dr Ali, the guy who was so confident it was merely an ovarian cyst, and he told me that I would now be treated by a Dr Davis. My GP has also called me to let me know that this was merely precautionary and ovarian cancer only occurred in women over 45. Ah well... Nevertheless, I knew in my heart I had cancer. There was no way that they would've asked me to bring someone with me if it wasn't going to be bad news. Still, when I heard it and when I was asked to consider a hysterectomy, I really didn't expect it to hurt me as much as it did. It was bad, but actually not as bad as having your heart broken by someone you loved. :-)

Anyway... I called my four best friends - Miriam, Marji, Jonathan and Pete. Poor people! They just didn't know what to do or say. Also, Danielle and Julie came into town to cheer me up and I ended up buying a dress for Gaby's wedding. It was so fake, but nice that they came to be with me at all. (Fake in the sense that we were all laughing and joking, but only to avoid talking about the serious issue.)

The rest of the day was kind of a blur. I think when I got home, I just burst into tears and cried and cried. I didn't know what else to do. But it's all alright. Today, I'm just stressing about my teaching assessment at 2pm. :-)

OOPS! Had no time to blog yesterday as I was in a rush to get all my stuff ready for my teaching assessment. Phew! Glad I passed. :-) Got an easy lesson in comparison for next week. Thank goodness!

Ok, so this time last year, as in Saturday, I'd come home from the Southern and I'd met the surgeon - Mr./Dr. Ali - and he had seen the reuslt of the CT and was mroe than confident that it was only an ovarian cyst and nothing more sinister. He said that they'd have to have this cross-discplinary meeting (??) on the following Wednesday to discuss my case, but also, I think, all other surgical cases. (I think this meeting consists of Radiologists, Oncologists, Surgeons and possibly other specialists.) So, I was alright. It was nice to know the reason I was 'pregnant' and actually I was quite amused by what I thought was only a dermoid cyst. You should read about them, or go to the archives and read through Feb last year. ;-)

Yep, still didn't know I had cancer! So weird...

PS The picture is from an anime movie called My Neighbour Totoro. You should see it. It's sooooo CUTE!!

Hope vs Fear

Oh my goodness! How appropriate is this devotional for me today!

"Lo, I am with you all the appointed days" (Matt. 28:20, Variorum Version).

Do not look forward to the changes and chances of this life in fear. Rather look at them with full hope that, as they arise, God, whose you are, will deliver you out of them. He has kept you hitherto; do you but hold fast to His dear hand, and He will lead you safely through all things; and when you cannot stand, He will bear you in His arms.

Do not look forward to what may happen tomorrow. The same everlasting Father who cares for you today will take care of you tomorrow, and every day. Either He will shield you from suffering, or He will give you unfailing strength to bear it. Be at peace, then, put aside all anxious thoughts and imaginations. --Frances do Sales

"The Lord is my shepherd."

Not was, not may be, nor will be. "The Lord is my shepherd," is on Sunday, is on Monday, and is through every day of the week; is in January, is in December, and every month of the year; is at home, and is in China; is in peace, and, is in war; in abundance, and in penury.
--J. Hudson Taylor

HE will silently plan for thee,
Object thou of omniscient care;
God Himself undertakes to be
Thy Pilot through each subtle snare.

He WILL silently plan for thee,
So certainly, He cannot fail!
Rest on the faithfulness of God,
In Him thou surely shalt prevail.

He will SILENTLY plan for thee
Some wonderful surprise of love.
Eye hath not seen, nor ear hath heard,
But it is kept for thee above.

He will silently PLAN for thee,
His purposes shall all unfold;
The tangled skein shall shine at last,
A masterpiece of skill untold.

He will silently plan FOR THEE,
Happy child of a Father's care,
As though no other claimed His love,
But thou alone to Him wert dear.
--E. Mary Grimes

Whatever our faith says God is, He will be. - Mrs C E Cowman.

This time last year, I woke up in the southern. A JHO had put a cannula on my left arm, just at the nook where my elbow was and I'd snagged it in my sleep, so it was as painful as (insert noun here). So, just before I went for my CT scan, a nurse came to flush the cannula and it was all ok. But when the nurse at the scanner tried later, it was sooooooo sore! So, they had to take it out and put another one on my right arm. Only twice has a needle gone into one of my vein and I didn't feel anything except a scratch - this was the second. (The first was when Sandra, the nurse specialist from Ward 24 at the Royal, took some blood to test to see if I had cancer.) That was my first CT scan - "take a breath in and hold your breath". (That's what they tell you to do.) Em... Yeah, I think that time, I didn't bleed all over the floor. The two CTs since, I did. I also bled profusely when they put the cannula in for the MRI... I have good veins. It's strange when it happens, the needle goes in and you feel warm liquid flowing down your arm, and then you realise, "Oh, that's my blood". I always get up and see the big stain on the floor where the nurses hurriedly wiped away my small puddle of blood. Lovely!

Yeah, this time last year, I still didn't know I had cancer....

By this time on this day last year, I'd had an ultrasound and the doctor said that there was something definitely wrong with my ovary. I think I'd just finished and was about to have my lunch. I remember being asked by the auxiliary nurse whether I would need a halal plate and being surprised initially and then thinking, 'oh yeah, I'm Asian'. By 2pm, the staff nurse would have told me that it looks like gynaecological problem and they're tranferring me to the Southern where they'll do a CT scan. Once I got there, I would find out that they can't do one till tomorrow anyway because hospitals like patients to be patient. I liked the southern though. It was the nicest hospital out of all the others - well, I can't give an opinion on Yorkhill or Stobhill, because I didn't get to go there. Maybe next time...

This time last year

So, on this day last year, I woke up and my already swollen, 'pregnant' belly had swollen up to twice it's size so that I looked like I was 8 months pregnant. I threw up most of the morning, feeling quite sick and disgusting, so my mum took me in for an emergency GP appointment, after which I was sent to the Victoria Infirmary for an emergency ultrasound. But, the Victoria being what it is, I didn't get seen till much later in the day and so had to be admitted to have an ultrasound the next morning. This time, I was in a better ward so all the nurses were actually nice. I didn't have anything to read or do so I had to 'entertain' myself with gossip magazines like Heat or whatever else the other ones are called. :-)

I didn't yet know that I had cancer.

God's best, God's will

What is it - God's best? What is God's perfect will and why is it not clearer? And when people say 'God will reward your faithfulness', will that be on this earth and Heaven or just in Heaven? It would be kind of nice to have some reward on earth. Also, does he just give us what we need when He rewards us? Is it on top of all the other blessings like food, shelter, clothing, or is that it? Don't get me wrong, that's more than enough, but is that all?

Anyway... If you could give me your opinion, that would be good.