February

As I was later to find out, the urgent ultrasound that my GP requested somehow didn't get processed. A week after it had been requested, I woke up and saw that my belly had swollen to almost twice the size it was already and I was throwing up, so my mum arranged an emergency appointment at the practice. The GP who saw me was shocked because he had assumed I was 8 months pregnant! Lovely! He had a feel of my belly and swiftly sent me off to A&E. Unfortunately, nothing gets done swiftly there, so in the end I was admitted. The ultrasound was inconclusive, though they thought it was probably an ovarian cyst, so they transferred me to the Southern General. This was my favourite hospital, by the way. It had the best decor, room temperature and food. The nurses were lovely, but not as lovely as those in Ward 24. Anyway... I had to wait till the next day to get my CT scan and then Mr Ali came to see me and said it looked like it was a dermoid cyst and he was going to operate on me, but he had to have this meeting with other surgeons to discuss the case first and he would be in touch the following Wednesday.

Well, for some reason they never got around to discussing me at this meeting so I had to wait yet another week. I wasn't all that worried because my friend Judith had had an ovarian cyst and she was fine. I was just worried about my course and whether I would get to finish it or not. Anyway, eventually they did discuss me and Mr Ali called me to let me know that he wouldn't be operating on me at all, but that a Dr Davis would. At this point, I knew I had cancer. So I let all my family know the result of the meeting, keeping the cancer bit to myself. A couple of days later, Sister Bredin from Ward 24 got in touch to arrange a meeting with me to discuss the surgery. I knew it was going to be a difficult situation because she asked me to bring someone with me. Of course, I wasn't expecting to have to decide whether I wanted a hysterectomy, my eggs to be harvested or the possibility of IVF; cancer was a tough enough thing to deal with! And I had to make up my mind in 4 days because the surgery would be the following Wednesday. Lovely!

At this point it was just a possibility I might have cancer and they weren't sure just how bad it was. Oh my goodness! I remember that Friday so clearly. I didn't know what to do with myself. After calling my closest friends - or trying to call them - my mum and I went to Where The Monkey Sleeps, an arty cafe, and I had an Oreo Speedwagon. Good comfort food for when you have to make difficult decisions. :-) Then my friends Danielle and Julie came into town and kept me company till I felt better. It was nice. I found out more about IVF from Danielle and so had more to think about when I got home. That day I also bought mango lip butter and my outfit for Gaby's wedding. Yup, interesting indeed.

Pfff... That weekend was weird. And hugely difficult. I kept trying to avoid speaking to God about it, but eventually I just couldn't. On the Saturday I totally poured my heart out to him and thought through my options before him. I never realised just how much I wanted to be a mother and how much I'd assumed it would happen one day. I also felt like I was like Abraham in having to sacrifice my 'children' to God. That whole time I was praying, I felt like I was climbing a huge mountain. Oh my goodness, did I cry as well! My heart broke into a million pieces, but I got to the top and there was peace. I'd made my decision. If need be, I would have the hysterectomy and there would be no harvesting of eggs. I decided I would not have IVF because it involved aborting embryos and that would dishonour God. I knew God would give me children, whether out of my womb or through adoption, if that were his will. And then there was peace.

In the end I said to God I would do his will, whatever that was, and I knew I meant it. I knew that this would be a great refining process that would bring me closer to the woman he wanted me to be and I wanted to be used by him. I also wanted this to be an opportunity to bring my family closer to salvation. It would all be worth it even if one of them, or someone, came to God because of it.

I stayed with Danielle the Sunday before the surgery, but I'd already received my comfort and peace from God, so we just had chat about other things. It was nice to have that time with her. Also, the women from my mum's home group came to pray over me before the surgery. My church had done that every Sunday too. It was so lovely to have that support and to have had it throughout. God's hand of blessing has really been on me throughout this whole time.

So that was February...

Secret Fellowship

What a blessing it was to read these words in my devotion! How much did I need to hear them!

"Thine ears shall hear a word behind thee, saying, This is the way, walk ye in it, when ye turn to the right hand, and when ye turn to the left" (Isa. 30:21).

When we are in doubt or difficulty, when many voices urge this course or the other, when prudence utters one advice and faith another, then let us be still, hushing each intruder, calming ourselves in the sacred hush of God's presence; let us study His Word in the attitude of devout attention; let us lift up our nature into the pure light of His face, eager only to know what God the Lord shall determine--and ere long a very distinct impression will be made, the unmistakable forth-telling of His secret counsel.

It is not wise in the earlier stages of Christian life to depend on this alone, but to wait for the corroboration of circumstances. But those who have had many dealings with God know well the value of secret fellowship with Him, to ascertain His will.

Are you in difficulty about your way? Go to God with your question; get direction from the light of His smile or the cloud of His refusal.

If you will only get alone, where the lights and shadows of earth cannot interfere, where human opinions fail to reach and if you will dare to wait there silent and expectant, though all around you insist on immediate decision or action--the will of God will be made clear; and you will have a new conception of God, a deeper insight into His nature and heart of love, which shall be for yourself alone a rapturous experience, to abide your precious perquisite forever, the rich guerdon of those long waiting hours. --David

January

I thought I would reflect on the last six months and see what God has taught me over this time. A couple of people have asked me already and I've been thinking about it too, so I thought I'd reflect on one month at a time and see what God has been teaching me. I'm just doing this off the top of my head so bear with me. Here goes:

January
Well, I was already looking around 5-6 months pregnant at this point. I was feeling really uncomfortable because my tumour was pressing down on my stomach and other organs much like a growing foetus would, but I didn't realise that was what it was at the time. I thought I was putting on weight and I couldn't figure out why because I was being extra careful with what I was eating and also I was beginning to lose my appetite. Also, the weird thing was that I seemed to be putting on weight only on my belly. I felt really strange and uncomfortable and was beginning to be anxious about what was wrong with me. I could feel two edges on my belly - one on the top left and one on the bottom right. I wanted to know what it was.

I'd just changed GPs and was waiting for my new patient's registration with the nurse, but stuff kept happening to put it off. Fortunately, my GP was one of my mum's friends and she arranged to see me before I was officially registered. I'd gone to another practice before that and the GP there had said I had a urine infection. Oh how wrong he was! Praise the Lord for my mum's friend stepping up and suggesting I moved to her practice!

Oh, before I'd seen the GP, I had gone to Paris - something I'd planned way before it looked like something was wrong with me. So, I'd gone to Paris feeling quite uncomfortable and only able to eat brioche and crepes and then when I got to Clermont-Ferrand, I had weird symptoms, but Rosie was a lovely nurse. By this point, I really wanted some answers.

So, I finally got to see my GP and she felt it too. She couldn't tell where it was coming from so arranged an ultrasound, but the rest of this leads to February, so I'll leave that to another time.

I wasn't at the best place with God. I was in one of my lulls, one of those periods of time when I wasn't doing my quiet times and bible studies regularly. I don't remember being overly anxious, just frustrated and uncomfortable. I was also beginning to think I might have cancer. I know this sounds really strange, but the idea was already sinking in and I already had a feeling that might be it. Of course, I dismissed those ideas and told myself I was being stupid. Truly God had been trying to prepare me for the shock of it all, but I wasn't meeting with him daily, so I didn't recognise his warning as coming from him.

So January was largely a time of anticipation and serious physical discomfort. Of course if God intends for me to have children later on, I will have that discomfort all over again, though this time the prize at the end will be worth it all. :-) (Actually, in saying that, the prize for all this will be worth it all too.) I had also just begun my CELTA course, so my mind was full of that. I'm really thankful for that distraction because otherwise I think I may have freaked out. Though I was never meant to qualify till next year, it was great that God put me on it so that I didn't worry too much about my belly. :-)

It's Raining Blessing

This is something that everyone needs to know or be reminded of. It also blessed me so much and made me look back at times of difficulty and thank God for them. I hope this helps you amidst your difficulty:

"For God hath made me fruitful in the land of my affliction" (Gen. 41:52).

The summer showers are falling. The poet stands by the window watching them. They are beating and buffeting the earth with their fierce downpour. But the poet sees in his imaginings more than the showers which are falling before his eyes. He sees myriads of lovely flowers which shall be soon breaking forth from the watered earth, filling it with matchless beauty and fragrance. And so he sings:

"It isn't raining rain for me, it's raining daffodils;
In every dimpling drop I see wild flowers upon the hills.
A cloud of gray engulfs the day, and overwhelms the town;
It isn't raining rain for me: it's raining roses down."

Perchance some one of God's chastened children is even now saying, "O God, it is raining hard for me tonight.

"Testings are raining upon me which seem beyond my power to endure. Disappointments are raining fast, to the utter defeat of all my chosen plans. Bereavements are raining into my life which are making my shrinking heart quiver in its intensity of suffering. The rain of affliction is surely beating down upon my soul these days."

Withal, friend, you are mistaken. It isn't raining rain for you. It's raining blessing. For, if you will but believe your Father's Word, under that beating rain are springing up spiritual flowers of such fragrance and beauty as never before grew in that stormless, unchastened life of yours.

You indeed see the rain. But do you see also the flowers? You are pained by the testings. But God sees the sweet flower of faith which is upspringing in your life under those very trials.

You shrink from the suffering. But God sees the tender compassion for other sufferers which is finding birth in your soul.

Your heart winces under the sore bereavement. But God sees the deepening and enriching which that sorrow has brought to you.

It isn't raining afflictions for you. It is raining tenderness, love, compassion, patience, and a thousand other flowers and fruits of the blessed Spirit, which are bringing into your life such a spiritual enrichment as all the fullness of worldly prosperity and ease was never able to beget in your innermost soul. --J. M. McC.

Peaceful Rest

I've been struggling with resting and also resting in God, so this devotion was so perfect for me I thought I'd share it:

"My own peace I give to you" (John 14:27, Weymouth).

Two painters each painted a picture to illustrate his conception of rest. The first chose for his scene a still, lone lake among the far-off mountains.

The second threw on his canvas a thundering waterfall, with a fragile birch tree bending over the foam; and at the fork of the branch, almost wet with the cataract's spray, sat a robin on its nest.

The first was only stagnation; the last was rest.

Christ's life outwardly was one of the most troubled lives that ever lived: tempest and tumult, tumult and tempest, the waves breaking over it all the time until the worn body was laid in the grave. But the inner life was a sea of glass. The great calm was always there.

At any moment you might have gone to Him and found rest. And even when the human bloodhounds were dogging Him in the streets of Jerusalem, He turned to His disciples and offered them, as a last legacy, "My peace."

Rest is not a hallowed feeling that comes over us in church; it is the repose of a heart set deep in God. --Drummond

My peace I give in times of deepest grief,
Imparting calm and trust and My relief.

My peace I give when prayer seems lost, unheard;
Know that My promises are ever in My Word.

My peace I give when thou art left alone--
The nightingale at night has sweetest tone.

My peace I give in time of utter loss,
The way of glory leads right to the cross.

My peace I give when enemies will blame,
Thy fellowship is sweet through cruel shame.

My peace I give in agony and sweat,
For mine own brow with bloody drops was wet.

My peace I give when nearest friend betrays
Peace that is merged in love, and for them prays.

My peace I give when there's but death for thee
The gateway is the cross to get to Me.
--L. S. P.

Ninja

It's over!!

Woohoo! No more chemo from now on. Just monthly check-ups for a year and they'll give me a letter to take to Japan so the check-ups can continue on a quarterly basis. They said they won't discharge me for another 5 years. Well, that sounds scary, but really it'll be "How are you? Fine? Good, you still don't have cancer. See you in a few months. Bye."

Oh, and I'm also feeling much better. Thanks for all the prayers. Today was the first morning I woke up without acid in my tummy or my oesophagus. Good stuff!

I'm off to go join the gym. Bye!

Irony

Well, as you know, chemo is pretty much over, but unfortunately, I keep getting more unwell. :-( Well, it's just throwing up, but it hasn't stopped. It started off because of something bad for lunch, and then I was sick again, then I was fine the whole of Tuesday except for a sore stomach, then sick again yesterday morning, then the worst heartburn yet, so bad that I was sick again last night. Lovely!

My GP had prescribed me the lovely tablet they prescribed me in hospital, but even after taking 2, it didn't go away. In fact, it got so bad I had to take more Gaviscon, and that didn''t even help. So, I was sick again. I had to call the GP out to the house and unfortunately, there wasn't much she could do except tell me to keep taking the tablets she'd already prescribed AND a stronger version of the dreaded Gaviscon! Plus, the acid was all stuck in my gullet, which was going into spasms, so I had to sleep sitting up the whole night. Nice!

Well, if that isn't ironic, I really don't know what is - the minute I find out I'm on the road to recovery, my body decides it hasn't quite had enough of being ill...

Bananas

This is some information about bananas that I got from my dad. I thought it was really interesting, so I'm posting it:

Bananas. Containing three natural sugars - sucrose, fructose and glucose combined with fiber, a banana gives an instant, sustained and substantial boost of energy.

Research has proven that just two bananas provide enough energy for a strenuous 90-minute workout. No wonder the banana is the number one fruit with the world's leading athletes.

But energy isn't the only way a banana can help us keep fit. It can also help overcome or prevent a substantial number of illnesses and conditions, making it a must to add to our daily diet.

Depression: According to a recent survey undertaken by MIND amongst people suffering from depression, many felt much better after eating a banana. This is because bananas contain tryptophan, a type of protein that the body converts intoserotonin, known to make you relax, improve your mood and generally make you feel happier. PMS: Forget the pills - eat a banana. The vitamin B6 it contains regulates blood glucose levels, which can affect your mood.

Anemia: High in iron, bananas can stimulate the production of haemoglobin in the blood and so helps in cases of anemia.

Blood Pressure: This unique tropical fruit is extremely high in potassium yet low in salt, making it the perfect to beat blood pressure. So much so, the US Food and Drug Administration has just allowed the banana industry to make official claims for the fruit's ability to reduce the risk of blood pressure and stroke.

Brain Power: 200 students at a Twickenham (Middlesex) school were helped through their exams this year by eating bananas at breakfast, break, and lunch in a bid to boost their brain power. Research has shown that the potassium-packed fruit can assist learning by making pupils more alert.

Constipation: High in fiber, including bananas in the diet can help restore normal bowel action, helping to overcome the problem without resorting to laxatives.

Hangovers: One of the quickest ways of curing a hangover is to make a banana milkshake, sweetened with honey. The banana calms the stomach and, with the help of the honey, builds up depleted blood sugar levels, while the milk
soothes and re-hydrates your system.

Heartburn: Bananas have a natural antacid effect in the body, so if you suffer from heartburn, try eating a banana for soothing relief.

Morning Sickness: Snacking on bananas between meals helps to keep blood sugar levels up and avoid morning sickness.

Mosquito bites: Before reaching for the insect bite cream, try rubbing the affected area with the inside of a banana skin. Many people find it amazingly successful at reducing swelling and irritation.

Nerves: Bananas are high in B vitamins that help calm the nervous system.

Overweight and at work? Studies at the Institute of Psychology in Austria found pressure at work leads to gorging on comfort food like chocolate and crisps. Looking at 5,000 hospital patients, researchers found the most obese were more likely to be in high-pressure jobs. The report concluded that, to avoid panic-induced food cravings, we need to control our blood sugar levels by snacking on high carbohydrate foods every two hours to keep levels steady.

Ulcers: The banana is used as the dietary food against intestinal disorders because of its soft texture and smoothness. It is the only raw fruit that can be eaten without distress in over-chronicler cases. It also neutralizes over-acidity and reduces irritation by coating the lining of the stomach.

Temperature control: Many other cultures see bananas as a "cooling" fruit that can lower both the physical and emotional temperature of expectant mothers. In Thailand, for example, pregnant women eat bananas to ensure their baby is born with a cool temperature.

Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD): Bananas can help SAD sufferers because they contain the natural mood enhancer tryptophan.

Smoking: Bananas can also help people trying to give up smoking. The B6, B12 they contain, as well as the potassium and magnesium found in them, help the body recover from the effects of nicotine withdrawal.

Stress: Potassium is a vital mineral, which helps normalize the heartbeat, sends oxygen to the brain and regulates your body's water balance. When we are stressed, our metabolic rate rises, thereby reducing our potassium levels. These can be rebalanced with the help of a high-potassium banana snack.

Strokes: According to research in "The New England Journal of Medicine, "eating bananas as part of a regular diet can cut the risk of death by strokes by as much as 40%!

Warts: Those keen on natural alternatives swear that if you want to kill off a wart, take a piece of banana skin and place it on the wart, with the yellow side out. Carefully hold the skin in place with a plaster or surgical tape!

So, a banana really is a natural remedy for many ills. When you compare it to an apple, it has four times the protein, twice the carbohydrate, three times the phosphorus, five times the vitamin A and iron, and twice the other vitamins and minerals. It is also rich in potassium and is one of the best value foods around.

So maybe its time to change that well-known phrase so that we say, "A banana a day keeps the doctor away!"

No more chemo!!

Yey!! Dr Reed just told me yesterday that he'd already decided to only give me three cycles yesterday. I didn't even have to ask him about it. I'm so relieved. Just one more injection and that is it! Praise the Lord!

Unfortunately, instead of celebrating yesterday, I was being sick because what I'd had for lunch didn't agree with my stomach. So, I was feeling physically miserable yesterday and spent most of it in bed, but inside I was still happy because there'll be no more nasty chemicals pumping through my veins. Thank goodness!

FINALLY! I'M HOME!!!

Whew! I'm sooo glad to be home! I've had a horrible time of miscommunication amongst doctors. I felt really sorry for the nurses because they could only do what they could do, but blegh! Seriously, you medics better learn how to communicate and level with your patients. I was sooo fuming at the registrars and the SHOs this time. Well, it's over and hopefully I'll never have chemo again after tomorrow...

I had to stay in hospital for 5 whole days this time because the SHO panicked and thought I was going deaf. Not exactly sure how he came to that conclusion because all I said was there had been a few occassions - no more than 6 - where I'd had a brief ringing in my ears - no more that a few seconds. So, since Cisplatin can damage your hearing, he was all like "aaaaah! Stephanie's going to get permanent hearing damage" and prolonged my treatment by reducing the dosage. Ok Pete, you're going to stick up for him here and say he was just being careful, but it wasn't nice. Especially because he didn't make it clear and let me know exactly what he was going to do and how long I was staying in for. I would have appreciated it if he'd treated me like an intelligent human being like Dr Davis did. Also, I think I am well within my right to be annoyed with doctors with poor communication skills...

Anyway... I've learned a lot about communication over the past few days - what to say when, how to be clear, how to be personable, and just how bad men are at it all. God was right, men really do need women! I've been so impressed by nurses over the last few days as well. People seem to look down on them, but really, they are amazing people with incredible amounts of care, kindness, patience, knowledge, communication skills, strength and smiles. Some doctors are just jobbies. I wish every doctor were like Dr Davis, Dr Burton and Chris Hoy. They just tell you it like it is and help you understand instead of just assuming you won't. Please medics, don't treat all people like they're stupid; give them a chance.

Also, I've found out that Dexamethasone, an anti-sickness medication I was prescribed, is actually more horrible than Bleomycin. My body has apparently gotten used to the Bleomycin because it's not making me feel as ill this time. The Dexamethasone, however, gave me really bad heartburn so I just didn't take it while I was in hospital. Yup, I slyly put it in the bin when my meds were given to me. Anyway, the doctor eventually took me off them, so it was ok. Still I got awful heartburn when I was in hospital because they'd given me it in a drip 3 days in a row and the acid burned all the way up into my mouth so I couldn't even swallow or anything. Fortunately, the nurses were on the ball and got the doctor to prescribe me this tablet that my tummy all nice. No more Dexamethasone for me, thanks very much. It's evil and more so than Bleomycin because at least the Bleomycin makes friends with your body instead of remaining mortal enemies with it. Plus, I feel less sick this time and I really think it's down to the fact that I was off the Dexamethasone because that's the only thing that's different. I don't know...

Well, enough of my disjointed moaning. If you read this before 12pm on 29 May, please pray that I know what God's will is regarding further chemo treatment. I know I'd like it to stop, but I find it difficult to know how to distinguish what God wants in all this because it's not very clear cut. If God wants me to go on one more lot of chemo, I really want to do that wholeheartedly. I just need to hear his voice clearly. So, if you have a chance, please pray so that the right outcome is reached with Dr Reed tomorrow. Thanks.

The Da Vinci Code

= blatant blasphemy

Yup! I don't like it. It made me really angry watching these characters on the screen telling me that Jesus was just another man who was married to Mary Magdelene and there was someone in France right now who was the heir to Jesus' throne. Oh yeah, which throne is that precisely? The one where Jesus alone can sit on? The one he'll rule from for a thousand years after the great tribulation? Yeah, please tell me how a human being can be as just, fair and wise as God?

And then right at the end, Tom Hanks' character was all like, 'oh it doesn't matter if Jesus was divine or not because I fell down a well and prayed to Jesus and here I am still alive. So, who knows, maybe he was down there with me?' (my paraphrase). What?! Of course it matters if Jesus was divine or not! And did he think it was just a coincidence that he was still alive after praying that Jesus would save him? Honestly! Who are we serving if not the living God? Where is our hope is Jesus wasn't ressurected from the dead? What's the point of praying in Jesus' name if he were just a man? Eh?

What's worse is that there are people out there who actually believe all this nonsense. How could they? My friend Chelsea from church told me there was this program on a couple of days ago that actually exposed the Da Vinci code as a pack of lies, and it wasn't even a Christian or a Catholic who did the program. It was just a guy who was investgating it to see if it were true or not, so you can't say that the Church made this program to cover up once again the 'truth' of the code.

I'm sorry for being so angry, but I can't help it. They're dishonouring my God and I won't stand for it.

Me

Hi! Just thought today that I haven't really said anything about how I am for a while, and maybe you would want to know that. Well, the latest is that I'm slightly anaemic, my hands and feet are quite discoloured and I've got bruises on my hands, my sides, lower back and right shoulder. But otherwise I'm fine. I've been prescribed iron tablets by my GP and yes, I know iron tablets can cause constipation. It's nothing I can't handle. Em... Yeah, that's it. I'm going to see the Da Vinci Code tomorrow with Jonathan. Apparently it got bad reviews and journalists say that Tom Hanks' hair does all the acting, so that should be quite interesting. Oh, and speking of hair, mine has started to grow back - I think it's at a millimetre, but not all over my head quite yet.

That's all folks!

We Wrestle Not Against Flesh and Blood

More encouragement fot you:

"Fear not, Daniel: for from the first day that thou didst set thine heart to understand, and to chasten thyself before thy God, thy words were heard, and I am come for thy words. But the prince of the kingdom of Persia withstood me one and twenty days" (Dan. 10:12, 13).

We have wonderful teaching here on prayer, and we are shown the direct hindrance from Satan.

Daniel had fasted and prayed twenty-one days, and had a very hard time in prayer. As far as we read the narrative, it was not because Daniel was not a good man, nor because his prayer was not right; but it was because of a special attack of Satan.

The Lord started a messenger to tell Daniel that his prayer was answered the moment Daniel began to pray; but an evil angel met the good angel and wrestled with him, hindering him. There was a conflict in the heavens; and Daniel seemed to go through an agony on earth the same as that which was going on in the heavens.

"We wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers… against wicked spirits in high places" (Eph. 6:12, margin).

Satan delayed the answer three full weeks. Daniel nearly succumbed, and Satan would have been glad to kill him; but God will not suffer anything to come above that we "are able to bear."

Many a Christian's prayer is hindered by Satan; but you need not fear when your prayers and faith pile up; for after a while they will be like a flood, and will not only sweep the answer through, but will also bring some new accompanying blessing. --Sermon

Hell does its worst with the saints. The rarest souls have been tested with high pressures and temperatures, but Heaven will not desert them. --W. L. Watkinson

Season of Waiting

Woo! Here's some encouragement for me. I'm not here for no reason, just being prepared for the next phase. I knew that in my head, but I needed to be reminded. :-)

"And when forty years were expired, there appeared to him in the wilderness…an angel of the Lord...saying....now come, I will send thee into Egypt" (Acts 7:30-34).

Often the Lord calls us aside from our work for a season, and bids us be still and learn ere we go forth again to minister. There is no time lost in such waiting hours.

Fleeing from his enemies, the ancient knight found that his horse needed to be re-shod. Prudence seemed to urge him on without delay, but higher wisdom taught him to halt a few minutes at the blacksmith's forge by the way, to have the shoe replaced; and although he heard the feet of his pursuers galloping hard behind, yet he waited those minutes until his charger was refitted for his flight. And then, leaping into his saddle just as they appeared a hundred yards away, he dashed away from them with the fleetness of the wind, and knew that his halting had hastened his escape.

So often God bids us tarry ere we go, and fully recover ourselves for the next stage of the journey and work. --Days of Heaven upon Earth

Waiting! Yes, patiently waiting!
Till next steps made plain shall be;
To hear, with the inner hearing,
The Voice that will call for me.

Waiting! Yes, hopefully waiting!
With hope that need not grow dim;
The Master is pledged to guide me,
And my eyes are unto Him.

Waiting! Expectantly waiting!
Perhaps it may be today
The Master will quickly open
The gate to my future way.

Waiting! Yes, waiting! still waiting!
I know, though I've waited long,
That, while He withholds His purpose,
His waiting cannot be wrong.

Waiting! Yes, waiting! still waiting!
The Master will not be late:
He knoweth that I am waiting
For Him to unlatch the gate.
--J. D. Smith

Maybe... Just maybe...

Hello! Just to let you know that yesterday Dr Reed's registrar said that this next chemo cycle might be my last! Woohoo! Well, nothing's been confirmed, but she said that they'll seriously consider it.

Man, I'm going to be in such a sulky, bad mood if they say I still have to get four...

Instant Obedience

Here's a scary challenge from my devotions:

"In the selfsame day, as God had said unto him" (Gen. 17:23).

Instant obedience is the only kind of obedience there is; delayed obedience is disobedience. Every time God calls us to any duty, He is offering to make a covenant with us; doing the duty is our part, and He will do His part in special blessing.

The only way we can obey is to obey "in the selfsame day," as Abraham did. To be sure, we often postpone a duty and then later on do it as fully as we can. It is better to do this than not to do it at all. But it is then, at the best, only a crippled, disfigured, half-way sort of duty-doing; and a postponed duty never can bring the full blessing that God intended, and that it would have brought if done at the earliest possible moment.

It is a pity to rob ourselves, along with robbing God and others, by procrastination. "In the selfsame day" is the Genesis way of saying, "Do it now." --Messages for the Morning Watch

Luther says that "a true believer will crucify the question, 'Why?' He will obey without questioning." I will not be one of those who, except they see signs and wonders, will in no wise believe. I will obey without questioning.

"Ours not to make reply,
Ours not to reason why,
Ours but to do and die."

Obedience is the fruit of faith; patience, the bloom on the fruit. --Christina Rossetti

Muse

I love Muse. I love Muse. I love them, I love them, I LOVE them!!! Woohoo! I'm sooooooo happy they're finally releasing a new single. Phew! I can't wait for their new album to come out! It's going to be totally weird and amazing! Yey! They played in Dundee yesterday and I was totally gutted I missed them, but this lovely fansite has put all the songs they played yesterday on it and now I'm listening to them. I can pretend that they're playing just for me. :-D

I don't care what you say, Pete. They're the best band in my world!!

Blueberry Pancakes

Woohoo! I've finally gotten to the stage where my stomach's back to normal! Yey! My nausea lasted a few days longer this time, but that's ok. It's the best out of all side effects. :-) I'm off noodles because the other night they tasted so bad, it made me want to throw up. Blegh! Never EVER eat prawn flavoured instant noodles. Eugh! Anyway... I made some blueberry pancakes for breakfast yesterday. They were lovely. The mix Pete bought me really turned out some beautiful pancakes, which surprisingly tasted great with coffee flavoured ice cream. Go figure! Ok, I didn't have ice cream first thing in the morning. By the time the pancakes were ready, it was nearly noon...

Also, I finally got out the house today. Woohoo! Well, I thought it was going to be another slow day, with just a blood test and the bank to look forward to but I ended getting to have lunch with my mum and spend the afternoon with Marji. :-) It was really good with Marji actually because we basically just reminisced about the last five years and laughed at how silly, young and immature we were. We're probably still quite immature, I suppose, but it was nice looking back and seeing how much we had grown up. I think the nicest thing about it was looking back at the hardest times, especially over the last couple of years, and see that out of them came a lot of growth. And though those times were really difficult and really painful, I can look back now and be really thankful because they woke me up to the real world and made me grow up. It made me really positive about this whole cancer thing. Most of my online devotions over the last couple of weeks have been about how God brings difficulty to shape us into the 'most precious jewels'. Well, it was nice to be reminded of that truth by looking back over the last few years and just see the truth of that. I'm really thankful. Wonder what I'll be saying about the cancer in a year's time? Maybe I'll be too excited because I'll FINALLY be able to go to Japan?! Yey! I'll be so happy to finally get there. Haha!

It's so nice to be at this stage of the chemo cycle when I start to feel well and like me again. Phew! :-D

My tummy

Well, you'll be pleased to know that I didn't touch Gaviscon once today. Woohoo! I severely dislike the stuff and am not looking forward to having it as often the next time around. But that's ok, I guess. It is another two weeks away...

Today I've gone back to being insatiably hungry. I have spent only about two or three hours in total being satisfied and not "famished". I do have to correct myself for using the word "famished" because truly I do not know what famished could possibly mean, but regardless, that is how I felt. I didn't venture to make the pancakes today because I didn't crave them... Maybe I only want what I can't have? I don't know. This time I've really craved noodles and orange juice. I'm having noodles just now, but they're not as nice as the ones I want. You can only get those from Malaysia, so I'll just have to be content and have them in my dreams. I'm going to go buy orange juice tomorrow.

My taste buds have been so bizzare this time because I can't taste bread, water tastes minging and I really need strong tastes before my mouth is satisfied. Hope that doesn't last because it's ridiculous.

Well, I'm going to go and make these noodles more interesting because my mouth doesn't want to receive them just yet. Pfff...

So far so good!

Woohoo! Back to some colours. Black gets a bit boring after a while.

Anyway, I'm still ok. Just wanted to thank you all for continuing to pray for me. This time the worst of it was quite bad heartburn, but the nausea was tolerable. :-) I hope none of you ever get heartburn or have to take Gaviscon on a regular basis. It's not the nicest thing. And I'm not just taking Gaviscon because of the adverts, it's what they give us on the ward.

I'm still waiting for the car to take me to the hospital. I just hope I get there on time to get my blood test and meet Mim. I thought I'd be there by now and could meet her at 12, but nope, the car still isn't here. :-S I hope I'm not too late. Plus, I hope the stupid heartburn goes away so I can actually enjoy my lunch. Anyway, the fantastic thing is that tomorrow my tummy should be back to normal. Phew! I was hoping it'd be today, but I should just be patient I guess. I'm going to venture to make pancakes from the blueberry pancake mix Pete bought me. That'll be lovely. :-)

Car's here now. See you later!

Beginning Without Finishing

Hey! Here's a wee challenge to us all. Apt for me today actually. Nice to get a friendly kick up the backside from God. :-)

"He spoke a parable unto them…that men ought always to pray, and not to faint" (Luke 18:1).

No temptation in the life of intercession is more common than this of failure to persevere. We begin to pray for a certain thing; we put up our petitions for a day, a week, a month; and then, receiving as yet no definite answer, straightway we faint, and cease altogether from prayer concerning it.

This is a deadly fault. It is simply the snare of many beginnings with no completions. It is ruinous in all spheres of life.

The man who forms the habit of beginning without finishing has simply formed the habit of failure. The man who begins to pray about a thing and does not pray it through to a successful issue of answer has formed the same habit in prayer.

To faint is to fail; then defeat begets disheartenment, and unfaith in the reality of prayer, which is fatal to all success.

But someone says, "How long shall we pray? Do we not come to a place where we may cease from our petitions and rest the matter in God's hands?"

There is but one answer. Pray until the thing you pray for has actually been granted, or until you have the assurance in your heart that it will be.

Only at one of these two places dare we stay our importunity, for prayer is not only a calling upon God, but also a conflict with Satan. And inasmuch as God is using our intercession as a mighty factor of victory in that conflict, He alone, and not we, must decide when we dare cease from our petitioning. So we dare not stay our prayer until the answer itself has come, or until we receive the assurance that it will come.

In the first case we stop because we see. In the other, we stop because we believe, and the faith of our heart is just as sure as the sight of our eyes; for it is faith from, yes, the faith of God, within us.

More and more, as we live the prayer life, shall we come to experience and recognize this God-given assurance, and know when to rest quietly in it, or when to continue our petitioning until we receive it. --The Practice of Prayer

The Prayer of Faith

Meant to put this on before I left for the hospital, but didn't have time. Hope it encourages you:

"God that cannot lie promised" (Titus 1:2).

Faith is not working up by will power a sort of certainty that something is coming to pass, but it is seeing as an actual fact that God has said that this thing shall come to pass, and that it is true, and then rejoicing to know that it is true, and just resting because God has said it.

Faith turns the promise into a prophecy. While it is merely a promise it is contingent upon our cooperation. But when faith claims it, it becomes a prophecy, and we go forth feeling that it is something that must be done because God cannot lie.
--Days of Heaven upon Earth

I hear men praying everywhere for more faith, but when I listen to them carefully, and get at the real heart of their prayer, very often it is not more faith at all that they are wanting, but a change from faith to sight.

Faith says not, "I see that it is good for me, so God must have sent it," but, "God sent it, and so it must be good for me."

Faith, walking in the dark with God, only prays Him to clasp its hand more closely.
--Phillips Brooks

"The Shepherd does not ask of thee
Faith in thy faith, but only faith in Him;
And this He meant in saying, 'Come to me.'
In light or darkness seek to do His will,
And leave the. work of faith to Jesus still."

PS: Thanks to all who prayed for me about Thursday and the Bleomycin. It didn't affect me as badly as it did the last time. I just had bad nausea and heartburn, which I probably will have for the next few days, but that's normal. Thanks again!

Fear, Anxiety, the Works...

Well, now for something real and something you can believe. I'm afraid and worried about going back into hospital and the few days after when I can't remember who I am. Admittedly, those are the days when I appreciate your prayers most because I have no strength in me to do it myself, so thank you.

The last few days have been hard with the anticipation of the hospital admission and the Bleomycin and for the first time, I found myself pretending I was ok when I really wasn't. I don't know how to tell you how I really feel because it's difficult even for me to understand. I know full well that this is a refining process and that God is using this to bring me closer to him because at times I feel him really close. But even if I didn't feel him near, I have known him long enough to know that every bit of suffering makes it easier to trust God and believe in his perfect will and timing. However, knowing that in your head and even in your heart doesn't make it any easier. And ridiculous as it sounds, especially with the tons of folk who are praying for me all over the place, at times this weekend, I've felt really alone.

I know that ultimately I'm not alone because God is with me all the time, but it is a feeling all the same. I also feel frustrated that once again my life is on hold and I can't do very much. In fact, the more chemo I get, the less I'll be able to do. Frustrating though it is, I know God's changing me from a Martha to a Mary and, like Jonathan said to me tonight, discipline is painful but it's beneficial in the long run. I know when I finally get to Japan and look back at this whole experience I'll be thankful because I'm sure this is equipping me for something God wants me to do in the future. But that doesn't make it any easier.

Tonight I was really upset and ended up putting it on something that was superficial and that, when I finally calmed down and thought about it, was a totally ridiculous notion. But really, this stupid notion was just the last straw for the weekend and I was just bottling my fear and anxiety about the coming week. Praise the Lord for Miriam who always manages to make me see sense and remember the truth I already know! I should've just faced it and not let it accumulate so that I wouldn't let something stupid upset me more than it should've. Pfff.

So you see, I'm not really all that brave, strong, amazing, or whatever great adjective you want to add in here. I'm just doing what I have to do because I trust and know it is all for the best and the greater good, but like I've already said, it doesn't make any of this easy. This is, however, the first time I've been upset since I heard I may have cancer and may have to have a hysterectomy. But that can only be a good thing. Now that I've admitted it, I can move on and draw even closer to God. It's one less barrier between me and him. I know this week will be hard, but I also know God will be with me. That's what makes it all bearable.

Keep Praying

Woo! Another great devotion today! So good, I had to share it. Hope is encourages you to persevere in prayer:

"Elias was a man subject to like passions as we are" (James 5:17).

Thank God for that! He got under a juniper tree, as you and I have often done; he complained and murmured, as we have often done; was unbelieving, as we have often been. But that was not the case when he really got into touch with God. Though "a man subject to like passions as we are," "he prayed praying." It is sublime in the original--not "earnestly," but "he prayed in prayer." He kept on praying. What is the lesson here? You must keep praying.

Come up on the top of Carmel, and see that remarkable parable of Faith and Sight. It was not the descent of the fire that now was necessary, but the descent of the flood; and the man that can command the fire can command the flood by the same means and methods. We are told that he bowed himself to the ground with his face between his knees; that is, shutting out all sights and sounds. He was putting himself in a position where, beneath his mantle, he could neither see nor hear what was going forward.

He said to his servant, "Go and take an observation." He went and came back, and said--how sublimely brief! one word--"Nothing!"

What do we do under such circumstances?

We say, "It is just as I expected!" and we give up praying. Did Elijah? No, he said, "Go again." His servant again came back and said, "Nothing!" "Go again." "Nothing!"

By and by he came back, and said, "There is a little cloud like a man's hand." A man's hand had been raised in supplication, and presently down came the rain; and Ahab had not time to get back to the gate of Samaria with all his fast steeds. This is a parable of Faith and Sight--faith shutting itself up with God; sight taking observations and seeing nothing; faith going right on, and "praying in prayer," with utterly hopeless reports from sight.

Do you know how to pray that way, how to pray prevailingly? Let sight give as discouraging reports as it may, but pay no attention to these. The living God is still in the heavens and even to delay is part of His goodness.
--Arthur T. Pierson

Each of three boys gave a definition of faith which is an illustration of the tenacity of faith. The first boy said, "It is taking hold of Christ"; the second, "Keeping hold"; and the third, "Not letting go."

Hair loss with a vengeance!!

Hello! I'm sorry I've disappointed so many boys by looking pretty much the same with any hairdo. I can't help it. I did narrow down all the wigs I tried to the one I chose and a red one, but the one I chose was a lot lighter so that it wouldn't irritate my scalp during the summer. I went for practicality, if anyone wants to know. They also didn't have any curly wigs, so I couldn't just find one that was like my old hair. However, when my hair grows back, Andrea, my friend who's a punk, will have free reign over it, so hopefully then I can satisfy your crazy hairdo needs. I'm happy though, and my family's happy, so I think that's all that matters. :-P

Anyway, abosolutely loads of hair has fallen out, but I do have loads of hair left. I got my mum to take these pictures so you could see it:

Wig shopping

So, I've done it! And I tried on a blonde one just so you could see it. And there were no blonde mohicans, so sorry Pete! This is the one I decided on. I'm tired in the photo, so I'm not as happy looking, but I really am happy with the wig. My brother really likes it too. :-)

Hair update

Well, I've been molting all day like a cat and yes, I have been pulling my hair out... Well, it's not really pulling since my hair is all loose anyway... I'm not as traumatised as you'd expect. I'm fine about it actually. Don't know how I'm going to feel when I'm bald, but it's nice knowing it'll grow back.

I may not actually get my wig on Friday as they don't stock a lot of black. Maybe I'll just go with brown? Who knows? I know loads of you want me to go blonde, but come on, who actually expected me to do that?! Ok, I guess Pete did, but he'll just have to be disappointed in me. I will, however, see if I can try one on for fun and take a picture, which I'll post on here. Hope that'll satisfy you.

Hair loss

Woohoo! My hair has now fallen out in a big clump!! I have a wee bald patch on the left side of my head. Now I feel justified in getting a wig. :-)

Injection 2

Phew! Well, it was totally fine yesterday. I didn't even flinch at the sight of the needle and the only side effects were tiredness and aching legs like you get with a virus. I just took some paracetamol and went to bed early. The only bad thing was that I had to wait till half 3 to get it. Ah well. I just went to Henry's inbetween and continued with my Japanese writing. Oh, I decided to learn to read and write Japanese. It's something to do with my time and I need to anyway. I've only learned 10 characters in Hiragana. Just another 36 for Hiragana and 46 for Katakana to go. Eek! Well, like the book says, if Japanese kids can do it, then I don't really have an excuse. :-) In Japan, I'll probably have to the 2000 or so Kanji if I want to read the newspaper or books. Goodness! Maybe I'll just read books for children under 12...

Anyway, I'm fine today. I'll probably go to the ladies bible study tonight. Oh, I forgot to say. I've made an appointment to get a wig on Friday. And my hair has started to fall out, but only random strands. It's annoying. I've totally geared myself up to be bald and it's just not happening yet. Ah well. Maybe more will fall out next time... Only I would complain about not being bald... :-S

Well, I'm going to go make some banana bread...

Sunday

I had a really nice day today. Marji and I had a fancy lunch at Bouzy Rouge cos I decided to treat myself. It was scrumptious and we had a really good chat about stuff. It's nice to have days like that. :-) But the best thing about today was the sermon at church. I swear, the more I learn about God, the more I can't help but love him.

The sermon was on Genesis 5 - we're going through the book of Genesis, you see. It's a genealogy from Adam to Noah, focussing particularly on getting to Noah so tons of folk are missed out. Now you may ask, how can a someone get a sermon from a geneaology? Well, Matt, my pastor, looked at the meanings of the names in the geneaology seeing as in the past, names were given because of what they meant and not just cos they sounded nice. This happens loads in the Old Testament, so you may have already figured out for yourselves.... Anyway, look what the names mean and what it spells out:

Adam - Man
Seth - Appointed
Enosh - Mortal
Kenan - Sorrow
Mehalel - The blessed God
Jared - Shall come down
Enoch - Teaching
Methuselah - His death shall bring
Lamech - The despairing
Noah - Rest and comfort.

It all reads: Man appointed mortal sorrow. The blessed God shall come down teaching his death shall bring the despairing rest and comfort. Coincidence? I think not!! How about that? Even a geneaology points to Jesus! Amazing! You can check the names out for yourselves in Hitchcock's Bible Names dictionary.

There was also a bit about Enoch, Methuselah, the flood and God's mercy, but it's way too complicated for me to write about here. Plus, it would just be too long, but if you want to ask, I'll try and explain, or I could just get a CD of the sermon for you. :-)

I've been so struck by God's mercy, his grace and his long-suffering over the last couple of days anyway. He's so desperate to know us and to save us that he's even going to send angels to evangelise during the great tribulation! (Rev 14.6-16) Even while pouring out his wrath, he still will offer a chance to repent and know him!! Amazing grace indeed! I can't take it in...

God Knows

Hey! Here's another good one. I like the old fashioned ones!

"He knoweth the way that I take" (Job 23:10).

Believer! What a glorious assurance! This way of thine--this, it may be, a crooked, mysterious, tangled way--this way of trial and tears. "He knoweth it." The furnace seven times heated--He lighted it. There is an Almighty Guide knowing and directing our footsteps, whether it be to the bitter Marah pool, or to the joy and refreshment of Elim.

That way, dark to the Egyptians, has its pillar of cloud and fire for His own Israel. The furnace is hot; but not only can we trust the hand that kindles it, but we have the assurance that the fires are lighted not to consume, but to refine; and that when the refining process is completed (no sooner--no later) He brings His people forth as gold.

When they think Him least near, He is often nearest. "When my spirit was overwhelmed, then thou knewest my path."

Do we know of ONE brighter than the brightest radiance of the visible sun, visiting our chamber with the first waking beam of the morning; an eye of infinite tenderness and compassion following us throughout the day, knowing the way that we take?

The world, in its cold vocabulary in the hour of adversity, speaks of "Providence"--"the will of Providence"--"the strokes of Providence." PROVIDENCE! what is that?

Why dethrone a living, directing God from the sovereignty of His own earth? Why substitute an inanimate, death-like abstraction, in place of an acting, controlling, personal Jehovah?

How it would take the sting from many a goading trial, to see what Job saw (in his hour of aggravated woe, when every earthly hope lay prostrate at his feet)--no hand but the Divine. He saw that hand behind the gleaming swords of the Sabeans--he saw it behind the lightning flash--he saw it giving wings to the careening tempest--he saw it in the awful silence of his rifled home.

"The Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord!"

Thus seeing God in everything, his faith reached its climax when this once powerful prince of the desert, seated on his bed of ashes, could say, "Though he slay me, yet will I trust him." --Macduff

Abundantly Able

Here's another extract from my devotions to encourage you. God is AWESOME and POWERFUL and ABUNDANTLY ABLE! Amazing!

"And being absolutely certain that whatever promise He is bound by, He is able to make good" (Rom. 4:20).

We are told that Abraham could look at his own body and consider it as good as dead without being discouraged, because he was not looking at himself but at the Almighty One.

He did not stagger at the promise, but stood straight up unbending beneath his mighty load of blessing; and instead of growing weak he waxed strong in the faith, grew more robust, the more difficulties became apparent, glorifying God through His very sufficiency and being "fully persuaded" (as the Greek expresses it) "that he who had promised was," not merely able, but as it literally means "abundantly able," munificently able, able with an infinite surplus of resources, infinitely able "to perform."

He is the God of boundless resources. The only limit is in us. Our asking, our thinking, our praying are too small; our expectations are too limited. He is trying to lift us up to a higher conception, and lure us on to a mightier expectation and appropriation. Oh, shall we put Him in derision? There is no limit to what we may ask and expect of our glorious El-Shaddai; and there is but one measure here given for His blessing, and that is "according to the power that worketh in us." --A. B. Simpson

Fopp Vouchers

Hey, I've been given £40 worth of Fopp vouchers and I don't know what to buy. Any suggestions? I like music, film and books, so whatever. Though at Fopp I could get LOADS for £40, so please help me decide what to do with my vouchers.

Thanks.

Boys are evil

[Just a wee side note to say this is my 50th post!!!]

Em... I know a little while ago I had a silly little mantra: Boys are biscuits and biscuits are evil. I'm sure a few folk found it quite amusing and were just like, "Aw, Steph! Ain't she a silly wee thing!" But what I've found most amusing is the many people who've said things like, "That's right, Steph. You just keep remembering - boys ARE evil." [much giggling] Seriously! What's with that?!

First of all, I know LOADS of boys. Ok, not in THAT way, c'mon! They're my friends and the only person who's close to being evil is Simpson, but that's evil genius not just plain evil.

Second of all, a couple of my friends have just recently started going out with a couple of my other friends, so my question is how come they haven't stayed away from the evil boys?

Third of all, why do I, Stephanie Peer, have to bear in mind that boys are evil? Granted, I have had a couple of brush ins with a couple of nasty blokes at uni, but they weren't evil. Stupid and insensitive, but nowhere near evil.

My conclusion is that my good friends are worried because I'm a recovering boy-a-holic. Yes, I admit it. Some people have a problem with alcohol, others with drugs, others with stealing. But me, I had a problem with boys. I am confident it's all behind me now. Just ask Marji and Mim. They know better than anyone. Though I can understand the concern that all of you have in encouraging me to remember that, though boys aren't inherently evil, boys can lead to my downfall.

So, I just want to thank you all for your great support of me and my struggle to give up boys. It really has been so painful, especially during this time when it's so easy to go back to your old habits for comfort. But boys and girls, I've been strong and I've kept my dignity and my head held high and I've just said, "No!" And to all you girls out there, I know your struggle - JUST SAY NO! It's as easy as that!

But I bet you can't say no to this one:

It's nearly 6 in the morning...

Hello! Yes, it is nearly six, but I just had to get up half an hour ago and have something to eat otherwise I was going to be sick. Chemo's so weird! It simultaneously makes you nauseated and hungry. Incidentally, after anti-sickness tablets, eating seems to be an effective way of getting rid of nausea. Plus, you get sooooo hungry!! Really CRAZY hungry! In fact, though I've actually just recovered from a stomach bug, all I've been thinking about since I got home was food. And food I wouldn't normally eat all the time like chip butties, double cheeseburgers, blueberry pancakes, pizzas, my friend Danielle's aubergine bake.... Mmmmmmmm.... I've just had some tea and toast, but all that talk about food is making me even more hungry!

Seriously, I had the most horrible weekend with vomiting and diarrheoa and all I could think of inbetween was food! You have no idea how weird that was. I felt sooooo ill but I couldn't take my mind off it. I think part of it was because I've got to be so careful with what I eat now, but still. It was bizarre. In fact, it still is... Oh, fortunately the vomiting and diarrheoa were not the effect of chemotherapy but a stomach bug that only lasted 24 hours. Phew! Ok, so it was really terrible, but at least it won't happen again. I was beginning to wonder what Dr Reed meant by 'breezing through chemo'. But he assured me that you only got one or the other and it only happens within 36 hours of the beginning of treatment, so he's pretty confident it won't happen again. What a relief!

Also, biscuits are not evil at all. Boys still are, but biscuits might just become my new best friends. They also are a very good anti-sickness remedy. Plain digestives, hobnobs and rich teas - possibly ginger snaps - are brilliant! I'm so glad they're in the world. :-)

I think I'm so hungry this morning because I haven't eaten very much all weekend, seeing as how whatever went in very quickly made it's way out again. And I was sick again yesterday just before I got my Bleomycin jag. I have no idea why, but the moment I saw the needle, I felt all dizzy and light-headed. My head was swimming and I got really hot, so I sat down by the window, but instead of getting better, I started to feel worse and had to throw up. It was so strange! I was totally fine a couple of hours earlier when they'd taken blood, but for some reason, this needle made me sick. Anyway, once I'd finally recovered enough, I got my lovely intra-muscular jag, which wasn't all that sore and it was fine. I did, however, feel really faint and horrible so when I came home, I just had some water and went to bed. I couldn't eat very much for tea either and was completely knocked out till 11.30pm when I had a glass of milk and a bit of flapjack. So, all in all, I feel that my overwhelming hunger at 5.30am is perfectly justified.

Hmmm... Well, it's now nearly 6.30am so I'm going to go. I think I might have some cereal... Still got a gap to fill...

Numero Uno

Well, I now understand what the big deal about chemotherapy is. It's actually quite awful. The first couple of drugs were fine. I felt a bit sick, but otheriwse still the same ol' Steph. But from Tuesday night into a lot of Wednesday, I had a horrible drug called Bleomycin, which has left me felling really quite sick, tired and very, very worn out. I'm not very much like Steph at all and my mum's quite worried. Still, I know I'm in there somewhere, I'm just recoiling from the nasty, nasty drugs. Blegh!

I also have really bad heartburn. It doesn't seem to want to go away, but the chemo drugs affect the digestive system, so I guess it's just one of the many side effects. I've spent a lot of the time since I've been home in bed, so I hope it'll do me some good. Not really up to doing much else at the moment.

Oh, I am definitely going to lose my hair, so that's an irrational worry out the way. :-) I start losing it in clumps from next week onwards. Plus, I got a form to get a wig for free while I was in, so once my immune system is on the up again, I might just venture into town and get myself one. It really is quite cold having such short hair, so it'll keep me warm and make me feel less conspicuous.

The good thing is that I only have 3 more to go. A lady in the ward has another 12! Eugh! Well, she has lung cancer and I suppose her regime is totally different, but still. I don't think I could cope with another 12. Oh my goodness! Dr Reed made mine quite intensive cos I'm so young, so I guess I should be thankful cos it'll be over more quickly.

It really is quite horrible, so I hope none of you ever have to go through it. I guess I'm also a little thankful that Dr Reed is putting me through it now so it's over and done with. Phew!

Well, I'm going to go. Will keep you updated on how I'm feeling.

Heehee!

Won't it funny if I get to the hospital tomorrow and they're like, "Em, you know you're not going to lose your hair, right?" [giggles]

Also, note to potential visitors: I'm not allowed to eat junk food of any kind, so please do not bring me cakes, biscuits, sweets or chocolate. It's sad, but it's for the best. :-)

No hair for my hairbrush!

Wow! So I've done it! Heehee!

Before the clippers did their nasty work, Andrea chopped some off my hair off and it was this cool funky hairdo, which I am soooo going to have when my hair grows back. Maybe put a little funky dye in it too. All I can say was that it looked like a Japanese punk hairdo. It was soooo cool! And I looked cool, so that's good of course.

Also, much to Andrea's pleasure, I do NOT have a weird shaped head, so that's good. :-) And my brother thinks I look like a little boy! Heeheehee! And what do I think? I think I just look like Steph with a shaved head. Oh! I got a number 4, so it's not like you can see my scalp or anything. :-) I still look like me. I've been rubbing my head all evening because it's sooo soft!

Last night this lady thought I was famous and when she found out I wasn't said that I looked like someone famous, but she couldn't remember who. Then as she walked away she said I was really pretty. :-) How nice? And Paul Maxfield said I could get as many Paul hugs as I wanted. Amazing!! What a nice day I had yesterday!

Em, so chemo starts on Monday at the Beatson. I don't know which ward I'll be in but the visiting times are 3-4.30 and 6-8.30. I would love to see anyone who comes because being in hospital is boooooooring! Plus, I get to show off my shaved head! The only thing I'm not looking forward to is the IV needle. Blegh! I think they might be my pet peeve or irrational fear... Well, it's not that I'm afriad of them, just that I plain hate, detest and loathe them. [giggles] Just thought I'd exaggerate a little bit... Anyway the point is IV needles = YUCK!! Two off them caused infection and swelling the last time. Eugh!

Ah well... Praise God for my nicely shaped head. :-)

Honour Him in the Trials

Hello! Just to post yet another piece from my online devotions. Thought it would encourage you. :-)

"Glorify ye the Lord in the fires" (Isa. 24:15).

Mark the little word "in"! We are to honor Him in the trial--in that which is an affliction indeed and though there have been cases where God did not let His saints feel the fire, yet, ordinarily, fire hurts.

But just here we are to glorify Him by our perfect faith in His goodness and love that has permitted all this to come upon us.

And more than that, we are to believe that out of this is coming something more for His praise than could have come but for this fiery trial.

We can only go through some fires with a large faith; little faith will fail. We must have the victory in the furnace. --Margaret Bottome

A man has as much religion as he can show in times of trouble. The men who were cast into the fiery furnace came out as they went in--except their bonds.

How often in some furnace of affliction God strikes them off! Their bodies were unhurt--their skin not even blistered. Their hair was unsinged, their garments not scorched, and even the smell of fire had not passed upon them. And that is the way Christians should come out of furnace trials--liberated from their bonds, but untouched by the flames.

"Triumphing over them in it" (Col. 2:15).

That is the real triumph--triumphing over sickness, in it; triumphing over death, dying; triumphing over adverse circumstances, in them. Oh, believe me, there is a power that can make us victors in the strife. There are heights to be reached where we can look down and over the way we have come, and sing our song of triumph on this side of Heaven. We can make others regard us as rich, while we are poor, and make many rich in our poverty. Our triumph is to be in it. Christ's triumph was in His humiliation. Possibly our triumph, also, is to be made manifest in what seems to others humiliation. --Margaret Bottome

Is there not something captivating in the sight of a man or a woman burdened with many tribulations and yet carrying a heart as sound as a bell? Is there not something contagiously valorous in the vision of one who is greatly tempted, but is more than conqueror? Is it not heartening to see some pilgrim who is broken in body, but who retains the splendor of an unbroken patience? What a witness all this offers to the enduement of His grace! --J. H. Jowett

"When each earthly prop gives under,
And life seems a restless sea,
Are you then a God-kept wonder,
Satisfied and calm and free?"

Hi!

I haven't written for ages because there's been no more news on the treatment front. Well, and that's not really very much news about me... I'm trying to use the immense amount of free time to pray and start studying the Bible again, so I made a start this week. Also, I found out that I won't have to undergo the whole apllication and selection process for my teaching course next year so that's brilliant! I'm guaranteed a place for next January's course. What a relief! I couldn't be bothered having to answer all those grammar and essay questions and doing the pre-course task again. Phew!!

I've also started reading The Constant Gardener. Only on chapter 2 just now, but already gripped in the intrigue. Who killed Tessa? I haven't seen the movie, so don't anyone tell me what happens. I heard the movie was good, so I expect the book to be pretty good too.

Yup, other than that, all's well with me. I'm still fine emotionally and physically. We all knew I was never fine mentally, so that's still the same. ;-) Just getting a bit curious about how chemotheraphy is going to be. Sounds nasty and I've developed an aversion to needles since I've had sooo many stuck into me over the past couple of months. Blegh! Ah well...

Thanks to all those who continue to pray for my family and I. It is still very much appreciated and I feel very blessed by it. :-)

Ciao for now!

Chemotheraphy

Hello! Once again I hope that those of you who read this blog will pass on the information to my other friends. Thanks!

Yesterday I found out that my chemotheraphy will start a lot sooner than I expected and will be a lot more intense than I was informed last week. It'll start on 10 April and I'll be admitted into the Beatson Oncology Centre of the Western Infirmary for 3 days to get my first administration of chemotheraphy. Doesn't sound very nice as I was told last week that it'd only be a day treatment at Gartnavel every three weeks. But ah well! I'm not sure if I'll have to be admitted for three days every third week. I assume so though.

I'm still ok about it all, don't worry. I am a bit surprised because Dr Davis and Sister Bredin seemed sure it wouldn't be at the Beatson, so I was expecting to hear what they'd said to be re-iterated by Dr Reed. Well, at least the Beatson will be a lot easier to get to from where I live than Gartnavel. :-)

The only other news is that I'm going to shave my head on 8 April and that Chris Hoy is taking me to see V for Vendetta tonight. I did want to donate my hair to make wigs for kids with cancer, but it's too short. Minumum donation length has to be 8 inches! Ah well...

A little less silly, a little more serious

Today Marji asked me, "So Steph, how do you really feel about all this?" I guess only your closest friend would be brave enough to not only ask that question, but also listen to the answer.

I'd never really thought about it. I'm at peace about the cancer, surgery, chemo and also the hair/eyebrow loss. It's all ok. I don't feel brave, I don't feel wronged or sad or bitter. I think I got off pretty lightly. It wasn't terminal, I still have my womb and an ovary, stitches are healing quickly and really well, it was a really early stage of cancer and all I'll lose is my hair and possibly my eyebrows. I mean, I don't even have a weird shaped head, so I can probably pull off being bald! I feel humbled by it all. Other families have to suffer losing a family member. Other women suffer much worse than I ever will have to because it was caught so early. That's why I'm so fine about it. I've been blessed.

No one else with cancer has probably gottten off as lightly as I have. Once chemo is over, that's it! Do you know how overwhelming that is?! It's not enough that Jesus himself died for me, but no, when I suffer I get off lightly. I get the least. Also, I get surrounded by love and prayer. On every possible level I'm blessed and well looked after. Oh, I forgot to mention the fact that I got the best doctor in the field to operate on me (and he cared - I wasn't 'just another patient'), and two of the loveliest nurses I've ever met to care for me when I was feeling at my worst. And it's being taken care of so quickly! Some people have to wait for ages living in fear of it all eating away at their insides. How can I feel anything than good about it?! AND, my mum got a whole month off work so she could care for me. Is God in control or what?!?!

So what do I really feel? Overwhelmed, special, blessed, unworthy, humbled, scared and fed-up. The last because I like to be doing things and I can't just now, but God is just changing me from a Martha to a Mary. And scared because I know this means difficulty up ahead as God has a lot for me to do. But I guess it's because I don't feel ready just yet. No, not yet. But I will be, eh?

Hmmm... So this is how I really am. I really don't think I'm all that brave. I don't know how anyone who knew that God is in absolute control can feel anything but at peace. There's no way I could've coped if I didn't have God. I have GOD on my side people!!! Anything that happens is all his perfect and good will. I suppose I also feel reassured... Hmmm... So, I guess I've finally really answered Marji's question and possibly satisfied your curiosity. I really am ok with all this. It's not the drugs - they finished ages ago. :-D

I'll leave you with a couple of my favourite verses at the moment (from the Message):

12Friends, when life gets really difficult, don't jump to the conclusion that God isn't on the job. 13Instead, be glad that you are in the very thick of what Christ experienced. This is a spiritual refining process... - 1 Peter 4:12,13

Never again will there be any night. No one will need lamplight or sunlight. The shining of God, the Master, is all the light anyone needs. - Rev 22:5

PS: This pic is very representative of me right now. I know all of the above on the inside, but I'm still a sulky little girl on the outside... [giggles]

Plagiarism

Just to let you know that I didn't write the last two entries! They come from an online devotional called Streams in the Desert. I'm going to cite the reference from now on. I didn't mean to plagiarise!

Patience in the routine

"Be thou there till I bring thee word" (Matt. 2:13).

"I'll stay where You've put me;
I will, dear Lord, Though I wanted so badly to go;
I was eager to march with the 'rank and file,'
Yes, I wanted to lead them, You know.
I planned to keep step to the music loud,
To cheer when the banner unfurled,
To stand in the midst of the fight straight and proud,
But I'll stay where You've put me.

"I'll stay where You've put me; I'll work, dear Lord,
Though the field be narrow and small,
And the ground be fallow, and the stones lie thick,
And there seems to be no life at all.
The field is Thine own, only give me the seed,
I'll sow it with never a fear;
I'll till the dry soil while I wait for the rain,
And rejoice when the green blades appear;
I'll work where You've put me.

"I'll stay where You've put me; I will, dear Lord;
I'll bear the day's burden and heat,
Always trusting Thee fully; when even has come
I'll lay heavy sheaves at Thy feet.
And then, when my earth work is ended and done,
In the light of eternity's glow,
Life's record all closed, I surely shall find
It was better to stay than to go;
I'll stay where You've put me."

Flowers in the Canyon

"For our profit" (Heb. 12:10).

In one of Ralph Connor's books he tells a story of Gwen. Gwen was a wild, wilful lassie and one who had always been accustomed to having her own way. Then one day she met with a terrible accident which crippled her for life. She became very rebellious and in the murmuring state she was visited by the Sky Pilot, as the missionary among the mountaineers was termed.

He told her the parable of the canyon. "At first there were no canyons, but only the broad, open prairie. One day the Master of the Prairie, walking over his great lawns, where were only grasses, asked the Prairie, 'Where are your flowers?' and the Prairie said, 'Master I have no seeds.'

"Then he spoke to the birds, and they carried seeds of every kind of flower and strewed them far and wide, and soon the prairie bloomed with crocuses and roses and buffalo beans and the yellow crowfoot and the wild sunflowers and the red lilies all summer long. Then the Master came and was well pleased; but he missed the flowers he loved best of all, and he said to the Prairie: 'Where are the clematis and the columbine, the sweet violets and wind-flowers, and all the ferns and flowering shrubs?'

"And again he spoke to the birds, and again they carried all the seeds and scattered them far and wide. But, again, when the Master came he could not find the flowers he loved best of all, and he said:

"'Where are those my sweetest flowers?' and the Prairie cried sorrowfully:

"'Oh, Master, I cannot keep the flowers, for the winds sweep fiercely, and the sun beats upon my breast, and they wither up and fly away.'

"Then the Master spoke to the Lightning, and with one swift blow the Lightning cleft the Prairie to the heart. And the Prairie rocked and groaned in agony, and for many a day moaned bitterly over the black, jagged, gaping wound.

"But the river poured its waters through the cleft, and carried down deep black mould, and once more the birds carried seeds and strewed them in the canyon. And after a long time the rough rocks were decked out with soft mosses and trailing vines, and all the nooks were hung with clematis and columbine, and great elms lifted their huge tops high up into the sunlight, and down about their feet clustered the low cedars and balsams, and everywhere the violets and wind-flower and maiden-hair grew and bloomed, till the canyon became the Master's favorite place for rest and peace and joy."

Then the Sky Pilot read to her: "The fruit--I'll read 'flowers'--of the Spirit are love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness--and some of these grow only in the canyon."

"Which are the canyon flowers?" asked Gwen softly, and the Pilot answered: "Gentleness, meekness, longsuffering; but though the others, love, joy, peace, bloom in the open, yet never with so rich a bloom and so sweet a perfume as in the canyon."

For a long time Gwen lay quite still, and then said wistfully, while her lips trembled: "There are no flowers in my canyon, but only ragged rocks."

"Some day they will bloom, Gwen dear; the Master will find them, and we, too, shall see them."

Beloved, when you come to your canyon, remember!

We interrupt your viewing to bring you an urgent news bulletin...

Hello! Well, it's not really urgent, but I couldn't really think of a title so...

First of all, I ask my blog readers, who I know are friends with my other friends, to please pass this on to them because, to be honest, the worst part of having cancer and/or major surgery is answering the same questions over and over and over again. It gets quite annoying and boring actually... Sorry, just telling you the truth, you know.

Second of all, the news. I found out that my tumour is inbetween low and intermediate and so I'm getting three to four courses of chemotheraphy. I will lose my hair, so I'm going to cut my hair short and choose my wig. Woohoo! I also have to buy an eyebrow pencil and false eyelashes. How exciting! Or I could just wear hats and scarves around my head... I don't know. Think I'll just do all three so I get variety... :-)

Anyway... By far the worst thing about all of it is that I can't do very much for the next 4-5 months. No job, nothing. Although I will get to do some sports and stuff, so I might just start climbing while I'm here and continue while I'm in Japan. Woohoo!

Oh, and I'm going to be silly now and tell you that the registrar who operated on me with Dr Davis, Dr Burton, is totally HOT! Phwoar! Don't worry, he's married so I'm still chanting my mantra: Boys are are biscuits and biscuits are evil.

Ok, so, I'm going to go now cos I'm hungry and can't eat my computer. :-)

I am FINE!

Hello y'all! I'm alright, really! I've been bombarded with phonecalls all week and now I'm bored of saying the same things. Ah well... Me and the Rose had a wee chat this afternoon about our respective laparotomies (is that the right spelling, medics?) and had a giggle. Although, since she had her surgery before I did, it's less sore for her to giggle, but that's ok. The day I stop giggling and smiling is the day the world ends, so beware! God has given you a clear signal to look out for! (I hope that isn't blasphemy... :-S)

Anyways... I'm actually really at peace and just kinda happy. Well, and sore, but it's not intolerable. God prepared me by making me a woman - as in it's about as sore as period pain after the painkillers, so it's ok. Put up with that all the time. Hope no-one is embarrassed by that revelation, just a fact of my life right now. Hmmm hmmm hmmm....

I'm glad I get to see people soon. Woohoo! Marjorie comes to my house tonight! Yippee! I'm going to bake a cake, which I just found out today I can't eat, but tis ok. Other people can like Marji, my bro and Pete on tuesday. That's if there's any left, Pete... But it won't be my fault! Mwahahaha!

Well, I guess the painkillers are taking over my brain, so see you later!

Thanks for all the email and text hugs! Hopefully I'll be able to have real hugs soon. Yey!

Oh, and anyone recommend any recovery music? I'm sick of my mp3s and am thinking of purchasing itunes stuff. Suggestions?

Ok, I love you, b-bye!

News

As you may or may not have heard, I've been diagnosed with ovarian cancer. It was a germ cell tumour on my left ovary and at very early stages. Thank you for all those who were praying for me. You have no idea how much my family and I appreciate it. As you might have gathered, I'm home now but I'm in a lot of pain. What's keeping me going is the fact that it won't be as sore tomorrow.

Praise God for a doctor who cared! He treated me as if I was his own daughter. You male doctors: if you're thinking of being surgeons, remember to treat your patients like family. You've no idea how much it means to be treated like an important human being. Female ones: I'm assuming you find it easier to be nice, but try and make the effort all the same. You medics will make a world of difference to people one day. That's why I love people like Neal and Pete who are going to be doctors. I know your patients will be looked after as well as I have been. Praise God for doctors and nurses! And painkillers! :-)

I'm going to lie down now. Thanks again for praying! I find out the full report on my tumour - which by the way was the size of a rugby ball growing on my poor teeny ovary - on wednesday.

See ya pals!

Ta-ta for now!

Hello! Just to let you know that I won't be blogging for absolutely ages cos I have to go in for major surgery on Thursday. I'll be admitted on Wed morning and have to stay for a week. It won't be keyhole surgery, so I don't know how long I'll be in bed for after. I'd really appreciate it if you prayed for my family in Malaysia who are feeling quite helpless right now, my mum and me.

If anyone wants to visit me, I'll be in the Royal Infirmay Surgical Block Ward 24. Visiting hours are 2.30-3.30pm and 7-8pm.

Also, I've had to withdraw from my course and postpone my trip to Japan because of it, so you have me here for much longer!

And the winner is... [drum roll]

Boyd Orr! Woohoo!

(I think the last count was 3 - 1??)

Anyways... Since Adam loves his name so much, I've decided to name my minging child Boyd Adam Orr. :-)

Now I just want to get better...

Something cheery for a change!

Last night I remembered a conversation I had with Mans about moose-shaped cookie cutters and was, well, filled with child-like excitement as I do with most things... So I thought I would share the joy with you! Plus, I think I've had enough of my evil twin/minging baby/cystoid so here's a moose and the cookie cutter. See if you can tell the difference:

Hey...

Hey, has anyone actually looked at the picture yet? Or rather pictures. Are the red lines all over the bag nerves or veins? And how does a cyst have a pulse of it's own? Any of you medics know?
Can you tell I'm curious?

And on a nicer note - and I nearly forgot:

Happy Valentine's Day!

Steph tip: If you need to smile, put on Spitting Games by Snow Patrol. I'm listening to it right now and it's lovely. :-)

Picture

I'm not going to post it cos it's disgusting, but those who haven't recently eaten and have a strong disposition or stomach may click on this link for a picture of a dermoid cist. Be prepared to be grossed out!

And FYI: Boyd Orr 2 Adam Smith 0

PS: Us honorary CU people are very special - I mean, we can grow gross things in our belly. Amazing! [heehee!!]

Yuck! Yuck! Yuck!

Ok, seriously, if you don't find really gross stuff amusing, please DO NOT READ on. However, if like me you laugh even though you're completely grossed out, then read on:

I was looking on the internet for more information on ovarian cysts. First thing I found out was that it's spelled 'cyst' and not 'cist' - sorry medics! And here's info on the type I have:

'Dermoid cysts: The cells in the ovary are able to make hair, teeth, and other growing tissues that become part of a forming ovarian cyst. These cysts can become large and cause pain.'

And from what I can feel, it's got a very distinguishable pulse. Euuuuuuuugh! So let's have it: Boyd Orr or Adam Smith?

Some news

Hello! I thought I should let you know that I will be going in for surgery in a few weeks because I have an ovarian cist. Those who don't know about them should ask their nearest medic, cos it's just too much for a silly blog. I am fit and well other than looking either six months pregnant or fat, whichever you choose to see. ;-) And that is due to the fact that the cist is now the size of a six month old foetus. Lovely! I met the surgeon while I was in the Southern General - oh, I was in hospital for three days, but only for tests and scans and stuff - and he's really lovely. He's got a moustache that's furry and makes him look like a walrus. He's like a big grandad! :-) He told me that the kind of cist I have contains random tissue like hair and other odd stuff that should not be inside. Exciting!

So here's what I want you to do: I'm really amused about the idea of looking like I'm pregnant and I'm going to take full advantage when I can. So my cist is my little baby that is full of mingingness. I've decided to name it, but I can't decide between Boyd Orr or Adam Smith. Which one is more minging?! I don't know how to make a poll, so you'll have to cast your vote through posts I'm afraid.

I'll find out in a couple of weeks about when I'll be going in, so I'll let you know. :-) I'm going to be a mother of mingingness! Amazing! [giggles]

PS

Just to make last post clear:
Everyone is wonderful because everyone has been gifted! Truthfully! God saw you and thought "I'm brilliant for making (insert name here)!" :-)

I think it's great that even a wee hamster in its little cute, furry, Henry-like way is an example of the glory of God.

Just in case you'd forgotten...

I'm smiling...

...because:
- doctors, teachers, nurses, pilots, technicians, and other such driven, talented, technically amazing people are in the world because God decided to gift them in such ways
- my minister gave amazing teaching on creation vs evolution (2 part sermon on CD if anyone wants a listen)
- I got to see friends that I dearly love and haven't seen for months for coffee and around about uni
- despite there being a lot of pain and suffering in the world, there is a lot of love and for that I am most thankful.

And now on to analysing the future tense... :-)